brokem Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I cheated on my husband and got pregnant by another man. My marriage had been over long before this and we had separated a few times before. There is a small change the baby is my husband's. Around a month ago I separated from my husband and Moved in with family. I thought I was in love with the OM. He told me he'd be there for me and the baby (if she's his). Things were great between us, but a month ago he withdrew pretty much. He doesn't make an effort to see me, hasn't been to an appointment with me, hasn't offered any help with anything. He says he's too tired or busy with work, yet he has time to frequent dating sites. I'm angry and hurt. He won't talk to me about anything and I'm basically a secret. I feel so bad for my baby girl. I already have two kids and I'm struggling so bad. Am I just crazy for thinking he will come around and things will be like they were before? He was just a guy I hooked up with a few times before I got pregnant. I'm so depressed. I don't even know him really and the way he's acting is making me worried for him to be a part of her life. I want to call him out on, but I know that's crazy. Any advice would be amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 It’s expensive but there is a DNA test that can be done before the baby is born. It just uses asmall amount of your blood and the man’s so there is no chance to harm the baby. That way you can plan your actions better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Wow.. I am thinking this is not going to end well. I don't know what you want advice on.... I have a feeling you are going to come out with no man and three kids to support. You cannot force either man to step up since you obviously screwed around on both of them. I would seek advice from a lawyer on how to proceed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Why do so many women dream that a guy will fall in love with them, if she gets preggo by them? Isn't there enough examples in modern society that proves the opposite is possible? Wouldn't it be better to be in love & really know the person, before getting preggo? Seems like a more logical plan to me. After 2 kids, you'd think you'd know how the whole conception thing works. I'd advise you to forgot dating for awhile & focus on being the best mom you can to your kids. Don't let any of your baby daddies off the child support hook. Doing so is disrespectful to both you & your kids. Learn to become fully independent before you look for a new guy. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Why do so many women dream that a guy will fall in love with them, if she gets preggo by them? Isn't there enough examples in modern society that proves the opposite is possible? It's not that the women realistically think they man will "fall in love with her", it's a trap. I mean, the guy throws up his arms and says "why not" and sticks around to raise his kids (unless he's a deadbeat). In other words, cheaper to stick around and raise the kid. The guy gets "defeated" and figures he'll just get used to being around her instead of alienated from his child. The guy sorta "settles". Works like a charm every time...That's why women keep on doing it I guess. Even on Jerry Springer today. Dude was cheating on gf, she pulled an "oops" pregnancy and right then and there he broke it off with the OW cuz "now he's a dad" and "has" to stay with gf he cannot stand . So, to the OP, based on what you're saying - he's not interested and won't "come around". I mean, think about it - he was just getting with you for fun, last thing on his mind was becoming a husband/father. Shoot, not sure what the laws are in your area, but if you are still technically married, maybe he's planning to let the baby become your husband's problem if the law forces the husband to take on a kid the wife has with another man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokem Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 It's not that the women realistically think they man will "fall in love with her", it's a trap. I mean, the guy throws up his arms and says "why not" and sticks around to raise his kids (unless he's a deadbeat). In other words, cheaper to stick around and raise the kid. The guy gets "defeated" and figures he'll just get used to being around her instead of alienated from his child. The guy sorta "settles". Works like a charm every time...That's why women keep on doing it I guess. Even on Jerry Springer today. Dude was cheating on gf, she pulled an "oops" pregnancy and right then and there he broke it off with the OW cuz "now he's a dad" and "has" to stay with gf he cannot stand . So, to the OP, based on what you're saying - he's not interested and won't "come around". I mean, think about it - he was just getting with you for fun, last thing on his mind was becoming a husband/father. Shoot, not sure what the laws are in your area, but if you are still technically married, maybe he's planning to let the baby become your husband's problem if the law forces the husband to take on a kid the wife has with another man. I understand women try to trap a man, however, I'd never dream of doing that. If he would have just told me that he doesn't see us being together then I'd deal with that and let it go. I wouldn't alienate a man from his child unless he was a danger to the child. I grew up not knowing my father, so I see it from the kid's side as well. He doesn't ever ask about the baby or anything. I understand if he doesn't want to be her father but he hasn't said anything like that. He just says he'll be a father if she's his. I've asked him what that means to him and he just ignores me. Also, no I'd never force my husband to support her. He wanted me to stay with him and he said he'd raise her as his own. I don't know if that's the right thing to do though. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Also, no I'd never force my husband to support her. He wanted me to stay with him and he said he'd raise her as his own. I don't know if that's the right thing to do though. Why would it not be the right thing to do? It's no longer about you anymore, it's about the child. Is your husband abusive, a cheater and/or abuses drugs/alcohol? If none of those, then maybe you can just put aside whatever and stay in the marriage for the sake of your children. Big gesture from your husband to overlook the cheating (but you did it while separated, right?) and being willing to accept you back along a child that isn't even his. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I understand women try to trap a man, however, I'd never dream of doing that. If he would have just told me that he doesn't see us being together then I'd deal with that and let it go. I wouldn't alienate a man from his child unless he was a danger to the child. I grew up not knowing my father, so I see it from the kid's side as well. He doesn't ever ask about the baby or anything. I understand if he doesn't want to be her father but he hasn't said anything like that. He just says he'll be a father if she's his. I've asked him what that means to him and he just ignores me. Also, no I'd never force my husband to support her. He wanted me to stay with him and he said he'd raise her as his own. I don't know if that's the right thing to do though. So you left a man willing to raise another man's child as his own for one who doesnt want to be there for his own child? What's wrong with this picture? 12 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 You got pregnant by a virtual stranger. You are acting crazy to expect him in your life, in my opinion, yes. The best I would hope for is automatic draft child support payments if DNA proves he's the father. By the by, you are still married. I'm sure that has not escaped your fantasy lover boy's attention one bit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I do think you NEED to get a paternity test...and then pursue the true father for support. I also think you need to give up both men...I cannot imagine either one wanting you and your child....I could be wrong...and when you can prove paternity maybe one man will step up and support you emotionally....but this is one of those cases where I don't have much hope for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 water over the damn to ask about birth control. wait til the birth to get dna testing. otherwise a court order is required to get the mates. Last i recall it involved the amniotic fluids... and at this stage of pregnancy its unlikely that a judge would sign off unless the unborn was in jeopardy. Its quite the pickle to be in. Clean up your values and raise your kids with love, thats the best That can be asked under these circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Your husband offering to raise the OM's kid was likely the catalyst for whatever little desire/respect you had left for him completely dissipating. While the OM putting you on the pay no mind list has caused you to only want him more. Do you have any kind of desire to dig deep and figure out why that might be? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Don't go back to your husband just because he's offering to raise your baby. If you don't love him then you will just cheat on him again and put everyone, including your child, through hell. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Poor baby. She doesn't deserve the hand she's been dealt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Lots of mixed advice and it's obvious you're in emotional turmoil. For now concentrate on being as healthy in all aspects esp physically and emotionally for the well being of your baby and yourself and ofcourse the 2 children you already have. It is a mess but you can sort things out over time. Take the pressures and burdens off yourself to make immediate decisions since you have a place to live. Just try your very best to calm down and prepare to bring a new being into the world. It's an incredibly generous and loving gesture from your BH. I'm not sure it's a good idea but do let him know you appreciate his offer and kindness. For now it's a pickle you and OM (or BH if that's the case) got in to. Do everything as you can cope. Not before. Best wishes and whoever the father is, you can make sure you're a good mother to this baby girl. Congratulations on the baby. X Lion Heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Am I just crazy for thinking he will come around and things will be like they were before? He was just a guy I hooked up with a few times before I got pregnant. Don't be hard on yourself. I won't say you're crazy, but given the totality of your experience with this man, does it seen likely he will come around? From what you wrote, I'd say "no," but you need clarity. If I were a betting man, I wouldn't wager on him coming around and being responsible and stable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Does your husband know about the pregnancy? And if not, how do you plan on telling him? I mean, you said there MIGHT be a chance it's his. Or is that just wishful thinking due to the situation you're in now? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Does your husband know about the pregnancy? And if not, how do you plan on telling him? I mean, you said there MIGHT be a chance it's his. Or is that just wishful thinking due to the situation you're in now? She has stated that her husband would be glad to raise the baby as his own. Which is....wow, magnanimous of him. I definitely think that you should have a DNA test, OP, whenever it is safe for the baby. IF it does happen to be your husband's then since he wants to stay with you, and since the A was while you two were separated, it might actually be okay. I do NOT see this other man stepping up to be a dad, however. He has pretty much made that plain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Let's set the obvious first, your guy doesn't care about you he wanted sex and got it now he wants out he hopes the girl isn't his so you wouldn't ask for child support. in the other hand your betrayed husband is willing ti forgive you and raise that child as his regardless. let me ask you a question, is your husband that bad? really bad that even a sacrifice from him isn't enough. if he came here asking for advice we would all tell him to run away from you as fast as he can. just tell us please what's so wrong with him that you wouldn't consider going back to him. or maybe the question is what's wrong with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 (edited) Also, no I'd never force my husband to support her. He wanted me to stay with him and he said he'd raise her as his own. I don't know if that's the right thing to do though. You did one of the worst things a human can possibly do - cheat on your spouse and get pregnant by another man - and when your husband offers to overlook that and you don't know what to do?! Get on your knees and thank whatever deity you pray to for this second chance. Line up a therapist and start attending every single week until you figure out what in your childhood has driven you to destructive actions. Attend marriage counseling with your husband to get a professional to help you two work out the issues. STOP CHEATING and start having some respect for yourself so your kids will have a better role model. btw, once you have kids, you don't get to be selfish. You have an obligation to put your kids first. Seek happiness, yes, but never at the expense of those kids. Edited October 13, 2015 by turnera 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 May I ask you what made you decide to keep it? 1) you got pregnant from a guy you hardly know 2) you already have 2 children to take care of, probably as a single parent, and you're living with family, not having your own place What were your motives? Maybe by looking at the motives that drove your decision to actually have a third (!!) child, you can find your answers. Will you be able to financially support and properly raise three children by yourself? Yes, there will be CS, but we all know how far that usually takes you... You signed up for a lot of responsibility. Why? There haven't been any signs, or not many, that would indicate that this would end in a happy patchwork-family situation. Or am I missing something? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Do a prenatal paternity test with your husband. If it's not his, you know it's the OMs. Then let him know. While you are still married, your husband's name would automatically go on the birth certificate, so you might want to think about how to deal with that. Is the OM married? If you weren't pregnant would you even get back with your H? Was it you who wanted to seperate? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Get on your knees and thank whatever deity you pray to for this second chance. Line up a therapist and start attending every single week until you figure out what in your childhood has driven you to destructive actions. Attend marriage counseling with your husband to get a professional to help you two work out the issues. STOP CHEATING and start having some respect for yourself so your kids will have a better role model. Have to agree. And while this outcome may not be every girl's princess fantasy, in real terms in allows the OP to provide a home for her 3 kids. When it's just you, you can navel gaze to you heart's content. You now need to think of others - 3 people specifically - first... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Your husband says he will raise the child as his own. He is free to change his mind as yo changed yours about a vow to forsake all others. Get the DNA test as you need certainty. There are mail away kits that will let you know if it's your husbands. Not admissible in court but way cheaper than a paternity suitor you aren't sure who the father is. And you have one candidate who will voluntarily give a DNA sample. If OM is the only other candidate And H isn't the father see a family law attorney to get paternity and support obligation established. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 yes, all of the above, PLUS get your tubes tied. You seem to be confused about how birth control works. if I were you, I would get on my knees and beg my husband to take me back. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts