Love Must Be Tough!

[Merin]

Originally posted by moimeme

You seem intent on blaming yourself for this. How is she not blameworthy? And I've got news for you - you can follow this new recipe of yours perfectly with the next girl and she may dump you just the same. There is more than one brain involved in any relationship and there's no accounting for what goes on in the other person's brain.

In the end, you can be perfection personified, but if the person you've picked has her own issues, you will still be hooped.

 

Word.

[johan]

Being "hooped" is bad, right?

 

I agree with the girls, Confused, and the longer you continue to think the way you do, the longer you'll remain Confused. I recommend you try to realize that you didn't do anything "right" or "wrong" in your relationship. You were just yourself, and if she couldn't, then you'll find someone else who will appreciate you as you are. The more lists of rules you post the more you show you are rejecting yourself and holding yourself at fault.

 

You'll be dealing with this for a long time, I'm afraid. I'll know you're on the right track when you start posting lists of reasons why she wasn't the one, instead of reasons why you weren't.

[tanbark813]

I don't get #5. Wouldn't you have to think that before you marry them?

 

As for #7, I think that's a bit misleading. I mean, technically it's correct, but it sort of implies that the couple will be getting back together, which is not always the case. I also have a couple friends who've been in relationships for the past 2 or 3 years and have never broken up. Probability dictates that they most likely will in the future, but who knows if it's the right thing or not? My longwinded point being, I don't think #7 contains any useful information.

 

The other ones I can pretty much agree with. The main problem with this list, however, is that you can do each one of these things perfectly and still get f*cked over in the end. While giving your partner a lot of space can be a good thing in an ideal world, it also makes it harder to know if your SO is betraying you.

 

By and large, though, the one thing that I've found that is most important to maintaining a successful relationship is wearing shirts that accentuate your nipples.

[moimeme]

By and large, though, the one thing that I've found that is most important to maintaining a successful relationship is wearing shirts that accentuate your nipples.

 

Please post a half-body avatar of yourself so that we can examine the evidence for ourselves

[Fun2BMe]

Originally posted by tanbark813

By and large, though, the one thing that I've found that is most important to maintaining a successful relationship is wearing shirts that accentuate your nipples.

That's disgusting for a male to do.

[johan]

Originally posted by tanbark813

By and large, though, the one thing that I've found that is most important to maintaining a successful relationship is wearing shirts that accentuate your nipples.

 

Goes without saying. A good thick sock in the right place at the right time can also make a big difference.

[moimeme]

Fun2BMe

 

Is it really? Hard to imagine.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by johan

Being "hooped" is bad, right?

 

I agree with the girls, Confused, and the longer you continue to think the way you do, the longer you'll remain Confused. I recommend you try to realize that you didn't do anything "right" or "wrong" in your relationship. You were just yourself, and if she couldn't, then you'll find someone else who will appreciate you as you are. The more lists of rules you post the more you show you are rejecting yourself and holding yourself at fault.

 

I understand what you're saying but I still have to hold myself accountable for my faults and actions. She is in no way innocent through all this, that I know.

 

What I am saying is the things I did wrong were indeed the catalyst for what happened. It's not that I am trying to shoulder all the blame, I am merely accepting what I did wrong and making the necessary improvements. I've NEVER had a relationship get past the casual dating phase because I go into the same mode when I love someone. I pursue too much and in the end, I chase them away.

 

This is what I have learned and this is the main aspect I will change with the next person I date, if I feel she is the right one.

 

You'll be dealing with this for a long time, I'm afraid. I'll know you're on the right track when you start posting lists of reasons why she wasn't the one, instead of reasons why you weren't.

 

There are many reasons why she wasn't the one. I could go on and on. The thing is, if you add her faults to my over-pursuing you can easily see what happened. Honestly, I should have been giving her teaspoons instead of bagfulls of sugar in her coffee and we'd be happy right now.

 

I know you'll disagree. But as someone who went through the whole experience and has had the time to sit back and analyze it with friends who saw the relationship first hand, I'm right on target.

 

It's easy to dismiss a relationship and say "She's not the one for me, she was all wrong..." and in the process ignore the faults you need to improve. And that's really what I am focusing on right now. Not what was wrong with her, I already know that.

 

I need to work on what MY faults were and make ME a better person.

[Mary3]

I agree you have some great points there with the book you have been reading and I know it has helped you tremendously...( I am going to copy some of the points )

 

* But * I think you are all *consumed* with this learning consumption.

 

I think you are like a young sapling tree and you need to bend and not stand so hard and rigid in the wind thus someone hurts you again . You wont prevent that from happening and there is no magical book because when you are with someone they are not in the book. Yes, yes, of course you need to read and learn but these are tips and hints and the next girl may not follow all that you have learned..

 

With your diligence you are not looking at anything but * her * and the world you lost... Your break up sounds fresh and you are in some kinda pain right now and I think you hope you get back together and if you are doing all the right things for her then maybe she will come back.

 

It seems you are the * giver * not just in * this relationship * but many of your relationships. Givers are wonderful and give to takers who arent wonderful . who take and take and then they are out of your life. You need to learn how to take ....and slow down the wonderful giving because you are attracting users....Your radar should be on....But you should live your life in moments...of happiness. Not a whole day of happiness but maybe in hours , minutes. because you need to Live in the Moment. Your moment can be taken away, in a heartbeat, just like all of us here.

 

So instead of reading and being so strongly knowledgable...you need to go outside and take a breath of fresh air and find ways to make YOU happy. Thats right YOU ! Now you should work on what makes you happy...NOT what makes them happy because they can be gone in an instant...as you have found out...

 

Its valuable to know all that you have read. I think you should put down the books that have become your lifeline and go out there and live your life now. A life without her. I know you want her back but take a good hard look at everything you have written in these posts.

[moimeme]

Don't call too often on the phone or give the other person an opportunity to get tired of you.

 

Huh? I'd say if someone gets tired of you, then you two are definitely meant for each other and you might as well find out sooner than later. If you can get tired of each other that easily when you don't live together then living together will be hell on wheels.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Mary3

I agree you have some great points there with the book you have been reading and I know it has helped you tremendously...( I am going to copy some of the points )

 

* But * I think you are all *consumed* with this learning consumption.

 

I think you are like a young sapling tree and you need to bend and not stand so hard and rigid in the wind thus someone hurts you again . You wont prevent that from happening and there is no magical book because when you are with someone they are not in the book. Yes, yes, of course you need to read and learn but these are tips and hints and the next girl may not follow all that you have learned..

 

With your diligence you are not looking at anything but * her * and the world you lost... Your break up sounds fresh and you are in some kinda pain right now and I think you hope you get back together and if you are doing all the right things for her then maybe she will come back.

 

It seems you are the * giver * not just in * this relationship * but many of your relationships. Givers are wonderful and give to takers who arent wonderful . who take and take and then they are out of your life. You need to learn how to take ....and slow down the wonderful giving because you are attracting users....Your radar should be on....But you should live your life in moments...of happiness. Not a whole day of happiness but maybe in hours , minutes. because you need to Live in the Moment. Your moment can be taken away, in a heartbeat, just like all of us here.

 

So instead of reading and being so strongly knowledgable...you need to go outside and take a breath of fresh air and find ways to make YOU happy. Thats right YOU ! Now you should work on what makes you happy...NOT what makes them happy because they can be gone in an instant...as you have found out...

 

Its valuable to know all that you have read. I think you should put down the books that have become your lifeline and go out there and live your life now. A life without her. I know you want her back but take a good hard look at everything you have written in these posts.

 

I agree. I am "enlightened" as to what I did wrong. Now I need to focus on just making myself happy. I am also implementing changes where I need them. That's not to say I am changing myself completely or I am changing for her. I am NOT changing for her. The mistakes I made were based on my personality and they will effect me in future relationships and THAT is where my focus is.

 

I'll always be a giver, but now I am going to remember I need to take too....

[alphamale]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

I'll always be a giver, but now I am going to remember I need to take too....

females tend to be givers and men tend to be takers. the best for both sexes is to be 50/50. give sometimes and take sometimes but that is quite hard to do cause our personalites tend to dominate on one side or the other.

[Mz. Pixie]

COC-

 

I too would like to note you're looking pretty hot in your new picture

 

Love Must be Tough is a great book, I've read it and it has alot of good ideas.

 

In reality, if my exh would have tried a couple of those techniques on me I would have perhaps given him another chance........instead he did everything in the book it said NOT to do!

[dgiirl]

Damn it, if what mz pixie says is true, I'm going to go out and buy this book (or atleast skim through it) hehehe

 

/me prays for a miracle

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

COC-

 

I too would like to note you're looking pretty hot in your new picture

 

Merci beuacoup, Madam

 

Love Must be Tough is a great book, I've read it and it has alot of good ideas.

 

In reality, if my exh would have tried a couple of those techniques on me I would have perhaps given him another chance........instead he did everything in the book it said NOT to do!

 

....as did I.....

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by dgiirl

Damn it, if what mz pixie says is true, I'm going to go out and buy this book (or atleast skim through it) hehehe

 

/me prays for a miracle

 

I can't say it enough: GET THE BOOK!!!

 

It's no guarantee but like the book says, if you do nothing, your relationship will fail. But if you have the intestinal fortitude to implement the "Tough Love", you're chances of success go up dramatically.

[Mz. Pixie]

Dg-

 

Ironically I read it after the breakup of my marriage. My BF had bought it when he was separated from his now ex wife. That along with Relationship Rescue, etc. He also bought "Hope for the Separated"

 

Anyway, one night over there I decided to read it, and it was textbook!

 

The ideas are really simple- try it!

[dgiirl]

I read Relationship rescue after he left, and skimmed through "Hope for the seperated" The last one was a little too religous for my taste. I really envy most of you divorce guys because there was a time period where you both stayed in the house. Mine came home one night, and left the next. Although he offered to stay for a few days to "help" me cook for myself and stuff, but I told him if he wanted to leave, then go, and so he did. For some reason, he thought the house and I would self destruct if it wasnt for him.

 

Everything I've read is to let them make their own decisions and not judge them for it. I think I've been very good with this, even from the very beginning, although I did have my emotional moments. I told him I was always proud to be his wife, I appreciated everything he did for me, I know there were things we could work on with intimacy, and I'm willing to do anything to work on it. But if he truely wasnt happy, then he should leave. All I wanted was him to be happy. I never once judged him and his ow. In fact, I told him I understood how it could happen. Now I've implemented NC because there was nothing more to say.

 

I'm definitely going to look at this other book.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

Dg-

 

Ironically I read it after the breakup of my marriage. My BF had bought it when he was separated from his now ex wife. That along with Relationship Rescue, etc. He also bought "Hope for the Separated"

 

Anyway, one night over there I decided to read it, and it was textbook!

 

The ideas are really simple- try it!

 

Exactly! This book should be read by anyone with marriage troubles. However, I will say the techniques are most effective at the first signs of trouble. The longer you wait, the more the odds begin to be stacked against you.

[Mz. Pixie]

There is also another good one I saw at the bookstore- it's by Chapman I think. I believe the title is called "Winning back your wife" and is aimed at men whose wives are unhappy and thinking of leaving them.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

1. Love must be TOUGH (Anything that's easy to have it not valued)

2. Love must be CONFIDENT (Self respect, mutual respect)

3. Love must be FREE (Don't suffocate them, give them space)

4. You can not demand love in return (Just because you love them doesn't mean you can pressure them to love you)

5. Anyone you meet that you think "That's my future wife or future husband" you will most certainly never marry them.

6. Don't ever put someone in a "box." (confine them).

7. Every relationship that lasts one year or more will have at least one breakup. How you handle the crises will determine whether your relationship succeeds or fails. Remaining cool, calm and collected is the key. (uhh, it's called NO CONTACT!)

8. Do not expect them to meet every one of your emotional needs.

9. Guard against selfishness. Don't let one person do all the giving.

10. Beware blindness to obvious warning signs. Do not be blind to their faults.

11. Don't underestimate the power of your words. Do not marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can not live without.

12. Be careful to defend your "line of respect."

13. Do not equate human worth with flawless physical perfection because they will do the same to you. Don't compare yourself to others.

14. If genuine love has escaped you so far, never believe no one will love you. That's a self-defeating attitude. There is always someone out there who will love you, you just need to find them.

15. Check your assumptions before you move to marriage. Make sure you both understand and agree in your future plans (ie: Children, work or stay at home, etc.)

 

1. Love is tough, but it shouldn't be unpleasant most of the time. We cannot love our partners unconditionally. We should treat love as a fragile treasure. When there are too many painful issues, a quiet rage burns inside of us and we can only explode or cherish it. Communication is good for minor things, the big things will always stand in between like mountains between rivers. You won't be able to make them go away. But it will make the love go away. Love should not be tough.

2. Very true and essential.

3. Also true; each partner should have their own life apart from the relationship.

4. They supposedly love you already!

5. So unimportant. It sounds like superstition.

6.=3. In any case a couple should be two bodies - one soul. It's not enough to tolerate each other.

7. Not necessarily. NC is ridiculous in a long-term relationship.

8, 9, and 10 - very true.

11. This one I've heard before and I absolutely disagree. We all marry the ones we (believe we) can't live without, it's way more important to marry the one we can live with. Divorces happen because we cannot live with our spouses and not because we can live without them.

12 and 13 - true.

14. This has to do with the choices we make, it implies that we shouldn't settle for less. We are not all the same and we should seek the ones that suit us best, not the ones we like best. Not everyone can wait for a gorgeous, young, smart, educated, and successful person the whole his or her life cuz they won't settle for less than that.

15. People don't know themselves so well. You think you will be able to like or tolerate something and then it turns out you were wrong. I thought I could live with my ex-husband's daughter and everyone kept telling me "you knew he had a daughter!" But I didn't know I would hate living with her. My ex-BF ignored my kids and promised to love them when we get married. Luckily I have experience in that field so I dumped him. My fiance has proven that he gets along very well with my kids. Oral agreement is not sufficient. Actions should prove who we are and you still don't know what you can expect further down the road. But if you choose the right person for yourself, you can assume their actions to a certain extent.