Solana Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 Hi everyone, I need some blunt advice here.... After about three and a half months in an LDR with someone I met online about a year before, I moved halfway across the country to be with the guy. Just after I arrived, I felt like things changed from the amazing chemistry we had on our visits back and forth. During the first month in particular, my bf had very little sexual interest in me, and rebuffed me several times, which he had never done before I moved here. About two weeks after my arrival we had a big discussion, during which he admitted feeling like things were moving too fast and that he wanted things to be more casual. Because of this, I stopped "putting myself out there," afraid that I was going to be rebuffed again. I started to withdraw, convincing myself that if I gave him space he would come out of his shell a bit. We started to see each other less. When I first arrived we saw each other most days the first two weeks, until our discussion. Then I scaled things back and we mostly saw each other on the weekends, ie. Friday/Sat/Sunday. One week we saw each other Thurs thru Sunday (I spent the days doing other things, and we spent the nights together) and by Sunday I felt like he was climbing the walls to get away from me. I would have evenings where I thought he could have cared less if I was around (with sex that felt similar). The last few weeks, the sex changed and became more like it was before I moved here; passionate, intimate, I felt like he was really into it, etc. But he called me even less and it got to the point where I wasn't even seeing him on Friday, sometimes we weren't returning each other's calls (or, I suspect, answering them). I love this guy completely, but I was hurt and confused by what was going on, so I broke up with him last weekend. He seemed pretty non-chalant about it, didn't get excited, and other than saying, "Well, I'm disappointed," didn't express much that made me think he was really disappointed. On Tuesday we had a falling out because I posted on a support board we're both on about our breakup, and made some comments that, while true, were a little bit harsh towards him. Tuesday night we talked and I told him how agonized I was over the breakup. I told him I didn't feel like he was putting himself out there for this, and he expressed the same (WTF? I moved 2000 miles to be with him!!!). I was (and still am) a mess. I asked him to just tell me that he wasn't into me, and didn't want a relationship, so that I could just move on. He didn't. He wouldn't tell me that he wanted me, and he wouldn't tell me that he didn't want me. He would only say that "Of course he was disappointed, but he didn't have any magic answers." He also told me that we would talk next week when we are both less mad at each other. I'm so confused by this guy. I love him, I want him, but I don't want to put myself out there and get hurt by him again. Your thoughts? S. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 The more you give, the less interested he will be in you. You moved 2000 miles to be with him and are always available. In return, he wants to see you less and less. When you act like he doesn't mean much, like the harsh words you posted that he read, all of a sudden he's communicating more. Try to be tough and even suggest that you're moving back and if he wants you, HE should follow you and see how he reacts. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 Don't make a game of this. Simply put you should try to muster the courage to think, that he has had his chance and he blew it. He blew it, and personally I should take his behavior as so many personal insults. I know it is difficult to do so, but you don't need to be mentally drained, because of his behavior. Playing the hot/cold game, will affect you negatively, as it will make it harder on you, to read him and his intentions, which would only worsen your state of mind. Stop giving, and stop receiving. Move on, and learn from this experience. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Don't make a game of this. Simply put you should try to muster the courage to think, that he has had his chance and he blew it. He blew it, and personally I should take his behavior as so many personal insults. I know it is difficult to do so, but you don't need to be mentally drained, because of his behavior. Playing the hot/cold game, will affect you negatively, as it will make it harder on you, to read him and his intentions, which would only worsen your state of mind. Stop giving, and stop receiving. Move on, and learn from this experience. I absolutely agree with that. To be honest, this moving thousands of miles to be with someone thing is very romantic in theory - but it often seems to work out quite badly in practice. You moved to his territory, and therefore placed yourself at something of a disadvantage. Did you know anyone in that area other than him? If not, then you will have been entirely available to - and, in his eyes, dependent on - him in a way that you weren't before. I don't think the way this man reacted to you reflects on you personally. I think it's more to do with the situation you placed yourself in by moving all that way to be with him. You may well love him madly and want to work out a way of remedying this situation, but you've already made him feel like he's centre of your world by moving over to be with him. Don't make things one hundred times worse by spending all your energy on trying to sort out a relationship that he's reacting so indifferently to just now. I can pretty much guarantee you that he won't appreciate the effort. How has your move worked out in other ways? Are you making friends, working etc? Would returning back home be an option? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Solana Posted May 21, 2005 Author Share Posted May 21, 2005 Moving home is an option, I suppose, but I really don't want to. I have a terrific job here, and I like the people I'm working with. I'm making some good friends through my job, one of which I'm having dinner with tonight. I'll be honest- I didn't develop much of a social life outside of him here because I've been so incredibly busy with work. Now that I'm not with him I actually have some time and I'm doing some other things with it. I think you guys (and everyone else who has given me advice) are hitting on some similar points. At his urging, I put forth a really huge effort to be with him. He has put forth very little effort. If he's not even willing to put out enough effort to spend a few days per week with me and make me feel like that limited time is appreciated and enjoyed, then clearly this relationship isn't what he wants. It's a sad truth to realize. It hurts when someone doesn't want you. At some point, though, I do need to face the facts and move on. Thanks again, Solana. Link to post Share on other sites
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