Was emotional affair also physical

[mattwr]

My wife has confessed to an emotional affair after I read some compromising emails. She admits that she cheated on me and admits that at times she wanted to leave me for this other man. And while she admits that she wanted very much to sleep with him at many times, she insists that there was nothing physical between them and that the sexual emails between them were nothing more. I want to believe her, but have a hard time. The one email I keep going back to is between her and a very close friend discussing her plans to try to have "extracurricular activities" that night. In the email she says that it is outside her personality to be the "bad girl" and do "something like this" which tells me she hadn't slept with him yet. But then she talks about that she can't believe she's in "this situation again" which she says is referring to the very strong feelings she had for him. In that email she also says she realizes that she isn't thinking through "all the possible outcomes" which also tells me she hasn't slept with him yet at that point, but then again maybe she is thinking through other issues.

 

I've also seen texts such as one where she asked if he wanted to have a "personal intimate" get together one night instead of going to a work function and I know from seeing texts with her friend on that day in question that she did not. But does that mean that she never had? Or just didn't on that night?

 

Another text with her friend where she is talking about this guy blowing her off and she says "he's a jerk. Lesson learned, good sex isn't enough." Which I take to mean that the good sex she is having with him isn't enough... when I asked about that she claimed that she was talking about the good sex she hoped to have. I can ask her all the times I want and keep getting the same answers.

 

How do I know?? I'm still under the impression that she did sleep with him and am trying to move ahead with her as such, but obviously want there to be honesty moving forward.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Does it really matter? Emotional affairs are just as real and destructive as physical ones.

[mattwr]

Absolutely and that aspect has been completely devastating to me. But now it comes down to honesty - is she being truthful and honest with me. She also had a one night stand and when I first uncovered evidence pointing towards that she pretended it was nothing - a "quick kiss at a bar" and later when the truth came out said she wasn't totally honest about that to protect herself and to protect me. How can I be sure she isn't doing the same with her emotional long term affair?

[perol]

There's no way to know if she's being completely honest with you. Since affairs are deceptive by nature, and because she did not come clean with you first, you must assume she's a dishonest person and you cannot believe anything she tells you unless you can verify it as fact.

 

Can you really live this way?

[RightThere]

How can I be sure she isn't doing the same with her emotional long term affair?

 

It's fair to say that she's lied to you about this in the past, and is continuing to lie as well.

 

For some reason you feel like to need to see the smoking gun before you know what to do. But in your head you already know what she's done, but you're hoping it isn't true.

 

Just let it all go because the odds of things working out as a pure coincidence are slim to none.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Absolutely and that aspect has been completely devastating to me. But now it comes down to honesty - is she being truthful and honest with me. She also had a one night stand and when I first uncovered evidence pointing towards that she pretended it was nothing - a "quick kiss at a bar" and later when the truth came out said she wasn't totally honest about that to protect herself and to protect me. How can I be sure she isn't doing the same with her emotional long term affair?

 

OP, can you hear yourself??

 

There is NO HONESTY here. She's a LIAR who got CAUGHT therefore the likelihood of her giving you full access to every thought and action is slim to none.

 

If anything, she will tell you exactly what you want to hear. Will that be good enough?

 

Does she want to save the marriage as much as you do?

[carhill]

Short of video of sex acts or DNA results naming another man as father of a delivered child, there's no way to know for sure, verifiably sure anyway.

 

FWIW, EA's are IME a pretty common MW tool, for the one's not interested in moving on, rather getting some attention or intimacy they perceive they're not getting with their spouse. Most guys push for sex so it either goes there or becomes serial, meaning engaging different men at the EA level until the non-sexual options run out and they move on.

 

From the standpoint of marriage, it's up to you OP what you want to do. IMO, accept that your spouse engaged another man, at whatever level, deceived you as to that interaction, and then decide whether you want to reconcile or not. If reconcile, part of that is accepting that whatever happened, happened, and building boundaries and interactions which guard against it happening again. If not reconcile, divorce. Don't waffle on that. If you stay in analysis and data gathering mode too long, it'll poison the M and it'll be done anyway.

[William]

Folks, moderation merged three threads on a similar topic and moved that topic to our Infidelity forum. Please continue the discussion here. There may be some duplication of content. Thanks!

[autumnnight]

I agree that this is somewhat backwards.

 

A woman who has cheated and is remorseful is not going to ask you to stop snooping. In fact, a woman who has cheated will be GLAD when a husband snoops and finds nothing because it is rebuilding trust.

[TX-SC]

She cheated multiple time. Screw her privacy. Read it in front her and have her explain every damn thing you read. First, see an attorney and consider your options. You will NOT like what you find so it's best to be prepared.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

This is a bad situation, I am sorry you are in it.

 

Odds are, her year and a half long emotional relationship with some guy went physical at some point. It's difficult to believe that it didn't.

 

I don't see the point of your choice. I think either accept that she had a physical relationship with both these men and work towards rebuilding your marriage (if that's what you both want), or just end things now if you can't scale that mountain.

 

I think you have to proceed from the position that she was physical with not one, but both of these men. The choice is yours. Wondering about a phone is just a waste of time and energy.

[turnera]

Absolutely and that aspect has been completely devastating to me. But now it comes down to honesty - is she being truthful and honest with me. She also had a one night stand and when I first uncovered evidence pointing towards that she pretended it was nothing - a "quick kiss at a bar" and later when the truth came out said she wasn't totally honest about that to protect herself and to protect me. How can I be sure she isn't doing the same with her emotional long term affair?

By telling her that, from this point on, there is one way only that you will stay married to her:

• She hands over her electronics whenever you ask to see them, without complain, until she regains your trust.
  
• She installs a GPS tracker on her phone that you have access to.
  
• She writes a No Contact letter to this loverboy that YOU will approve and send yourself.
  
• If she works with him, she quits that job and gets a new one.
  
• She attends MC with you regularly.
  
• She passes a polygraph.
  

If she refuses to do these things, you need to know NOW so that you can walk away from someone who keeps you around for convenience.

 

btw, the reason you're back here after two months, asking the same stuff, stuck in the same place, is that you tried to NICE your wife back to you. Women despise weak mean. They literally lust after strong men. Those men who came on to your wife? They were STRONG - they took what they wanted. What did you do? Probably apologize, absolutely ask permission to check up on her, and likely a whole lot worse things you aren't sharing here.

 

If you want her to want YOU more than THEM, educate yourself on what a strong man looks like. Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Read Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. Go to therapy to figure out how to get your self esteem back so you stop accepting table scraps.

Edited October 13, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MadJackBird]

I have little to add from what everyone else said.

 

Except that Physical Adultery usually starts as Emotional Adultery. Why are you okay with either?

[spanz1]

two ONS's and an ea...sounds like a divorce, or accept an open marriage, at this point. Not sure if it is possible to reconcile from that mess.

[GunslingerRoland]

Clearly she isn't being fully honest... how can you guys start to fix things until she can be honest?

 

Tell her what you've found, what you've found, what you assume to be true and make her tell you the whole truth. How many men there have been, which ones she has had physical affairs with, etc.

[TX-SC]

By telling her that, from this point on, there is one way only that you will stay married to her:

• She hands over her electronics whenever you ask to see them, without complain, until she regains your trust.
  
• She installs a GPS tracker on her phone that you have access to.
  
• She writes a No Contact letter to this loverboy that YOU will approve and send yourself.
  
• If she works with him, she quits that job and gets a new one.
  
• She attends MC with you regularly.
  
• She passes a polygraph.
  

If she refuses to do these things, you need to know NOW so that you can walk away from someone who keeps you around for convenience.

 

btw, the reason you're back here after two months, asking the same stuff, stuck in the same place, is that you tried to NICE your wife back to you. Women despise weak mean. They literally lust after strong men. Those men who came on to your wife? POS or not, they were STRONG - they took what they wanted. What did you do? Probably apologize, absolutely ask permission to check up on her, and likely a whole lot worse things you aren't sharing here.

 

If you want her to want YOU more than THEM, educate yourself on what a strong man looks like. Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Read Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. Go to therapy to figure out how to get your self esteem back so you stop accepting table scraps.

 

Exactly this. Read it twice, then read it again. Your wife sees you as weak for basically giving her a free ride with two instances of cheating. Demand full accountability, including all electronics and media. Don't be the "nice and understanding husband" anymore. She wanted to leave you for him. Tell her to get the F out and enjoy her life.

[BetrayedH]

Let's see if we can fill in the blanks...

 

She cheated and lied before. And now she's cheated and ____ again.

 

You gave her a second chance. She's blown it. Don't give her a third chance or you can consider yourself a volunteer instead of a victim. She's shown you that she can cheat and lie. Why would you believe anything differently the second time?

 

Besides, it's not your job to prove her innocence. The burden is on her.

[Marc878]

There should be no secrets in a marriage.

 

Are you nuts??????

 

The truth always matters. C'mon man.

 

You are giving her the green light to do what she wants.

 

That sort of doormat, weak behavior will get you gone. If it hasn't already.

[road]

Time for a polygraph test.

[bubbaganoosh]

Time for a polygraph test.

 

I agree. If you feel she's lying to you then tell her that if SHE really wants the marriage to work then she'll take a polygraph test and if she's truthful then all will be fine.

 

If she gets pissed then let her know that SHE'S the one that cheated and your not happy with her answers and she has the choice to either take the test or she can go live with Mister Wonderful and be done with it.

 

You got this whole thing ass backwards. Your trying to show honesty to a cheating woman that your faithful when she the one that should be showing you hes honest. meanwhile she's laughing her ass off at you for agreeing to it. Wise up and take the bull by the horns before you get laughed right out of the house.

[strugglinghubby]

I'll agree with what everyone else here is telling you. I was in a very similar situation to you just recently (my thread is still up here), and still working on R.

 

You sound just like me, caught in a state of not being able to piece everything together. I likened it to trying to fix a jigsaw with only half the pieces, and I get the need to know the detail.

 

One quick question, when you checked the phone did you just look at what was on there and not deleted? If so there is a big chance you missed anything juicy, it would've been deleted. I'd 100% suggest downloading a free phone recovery tool and recovering everything on that phone. For me that was what broke my WW's affair wide open. Up to that point it was lots and lots of trickle truth, and just like you I was getting the admitting to an EA but nothing physical. It wasn't until I recovered everything that the truth started to come out. Our stories are different though, as my WW's affair lasted about 2 months from when the messages started showing feelings to each other to when I uncovered everything. The week I uncovered it was the week the PA had started, so in total my WW's affair took about 6-7 weeks to turn physical. I'd say that an EA lasting for as long as your WW's did has 100% progressed to a PA.

 

Lastly, the best piece of advice you've been given here is from turnera. The only way I've been able to move to a place where we both can work on R is because I stopped asking for permission to check (yes I did that at the start as well), I took my balls back and stopped letting her treat me like a doormat. Your WW is treating you like a doormat. The thing that changed my view was one morning I was looking at myself in the mirror thinking what a weak piece of sh*t I'd become, and that the younger version of me would laugh at me and cal me a chump. Time to man up, take back control of the situation and take control of your life.

 

But I've said to my WW, there's absolutely no coming back from anything remotely close to this again even if we do make it through this. She's in no uncertain terms on very very thin ice, if she had multiple affairs there would be no R.

 

Edited to add: There was one important thing I forgot to add, that in order to successfully implement yourself taking back control you have to be prepared to walk away from you marriage. You can't act all tough and cave when push comes to shove. You absolutely MUST be in a place where if she doesn't do as you ask (as long as it's reasonable and still respectful to her, i.e. I'd never advocate degrading anyone etc) you're prepared to walk away. In the same light, you need to be absolutely prepared for her to walk away. If you can't get to that place just stay as a doormat.

Edited October 14, 2015 by strugglinghubby

[aliveagain]

Just how much cheating is enough? She's had physical and emotional affairs, since when is any affair acceptable? Emotional or physical, cheating is cheating regardless of the degree, she broke your trust. Any friend that knew about her cheating but didn't tell you should be out of your life because they are no friend of your marriage. She cheated, the onus is on her to prove to your satisfaction that it wasn't physical including taking a polygraph. I would trust very little coming out of her cheating mouth because she has a history of lying to your face. Have you exposed the other men to their significant others or their families? Are you sure you want to stay married to someone that will cheat on you if they think they can get away with it?

[sandylee1]

What would be your dealbreaker? Because if she admits this was a PA and you stay what's the point in knowing?

 

Ask yourself why it WASN'T a PA. Unless rivers and oceans seperated them, assume it was a PA.

 

Tell her you don't believe her. The comment about good sex not being enough is bulls***. She's probably thinking you're very gullible to believe it.

Tell her she needs to prove she DIDN'T SLEEP with the guy. If she asks how tell her to join an online forum..suggest surviving infidelity and ask her question in the wayward forum. Everyone will tell her a poly ....see what her response is.

 

Until then you need to detach and work on yourself.

[Bryanp]

If you had a one night physical affair and put your wife at risk for STD's would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you. What were her consequences to her physical affair?

 

She has shown repeatedly that she has no respect for you or your marriage.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[Try]

Another text with her friend where she is talking about this guy blowing her off and she says "he's a jerk. Lesson learned, good sex isn't enough."

Other then having a video of them actually in the act of doing it, proof of her cheating does not get much stronger than this email. That being said, do not expect her to ever admit to it. The cheaters script demand that you ignore all logic, and believe any lie that she can come up with no matter how absurd. A major study showed that, even when confronted with evidence, in only 7% of the time did a cheater admit to cheating. When you realize that in this study 3% of the cheaters were in fact caught in the act, the 7% is even more striking. Studies also show that the lying associated with the affair, takes longer for the betrayed to get over than the sex itself.

 

Bottom line, go with what you know to be true. Trust logic and common sense over her lies. Tell her that you do not need her permission to believe that truth based on the facts of what you know, and that you know that she had sex with the OM. Also tell her that you will base your actions going forward on this fact, and how truthful she is.