flat_lander Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 I am in my late twenties and have been in a relationship with a guy for 3 1/2 years - we've just bought a house together. I don't have any real plans to get married down the road or have kids anytime soon, committment scares the hell outta me, I'm still in shock that I bought a house with my bf. At my company, most of our customers are in their early to mid-twenties and I think I've developed a crush on one. He's very attractive and keeps dropping by my office to flirt with me and ask me out. He knows I have a bf, but he will invite both the bf and I out for a night of partying, which I keep declining. I know if I go anywhere outside of the company with him alone, I probably won't be able to stop myself from hitting on him, or even worse, cheating on my bf! Every time I see him, I keep thinking about what I'd like to do to him alone. I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about him and blush when I see him. Aargggh, what's a girl to do? "The crush" stops by about every two weeks or so and sends me the occasional email. He's a nice guy and I don't mind meeting him for lunch at my work, but he always wants to meet at night away from my work, and drinks are usually involved. But I know that every time I see "the crush" I get super strong lustful feelings for about a week, and this could really mess up my current relationship. I've cheated on boyfriends in the past, but that's only been in long-distance relationships, never while living with someone. Help, please give me advice. Has anyone else been in this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 Quit seeing him. You don't need a long essay. You know exactly why what you're doing is wrong. It'll only lead to trouble. If you can't remain faithful ever, then never have a bf. OTOH, if you actually plan to try to keep this bf, then you can't go flirting with and spending alone time with other men. That's just the way it works. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 The answer to this depends on what the nature of your r/s with your bf is. If you have decided that he is your lifetime partner, and he has decided the same, then yes, you must avoid any temptations to this r/s, and you must avoid the cute "young" guy. However, I'm not sure if you're really that committed. If you're not, then you would need to break up your current r/s and take a leap in the dark, to explore this new guy. (Sorry, cheating, even lite cheating, is not OK.) Owning a house together definitely makes this harder. Is there any chance you bought a house together as a way to "ease into" the feeling of commitment imposed by a mortgage, in the absence of any other effective mechanism to bind your r/s together? As to whether anyone has been in the situation of being in one r/s while considering or being offered another, I'll say yes, 99.987% of human beings over the age of 16 have been in that situation. Most people will look at their existing r/s and their level of commitment to it, and decide to go for it, or give it a pass. A minority will waffle and attempt to have and eat their cake AND pie simultaneously. Those people are responsible for 73% of the posts on LoveShack. No one does this anymore, but my best advice is to play the field as long and as hard as you can, while you're still young, so when you settle down, it will be with a sense of relief, not of being trapped. Dr. Harley of "marriage builders" (Google it) recommends that you date at least 30 people in your youth, so you have a statistical near-certainty of finding two or three who are your potential soulmates. If only this could be made a legal requirement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flat_lander Posted May 21, 2005 Author Share Posted May 21, 2005 It's so easy to say either dump the bf and go dating around, or to not acknowledge the crush guy. Due to my current situation I cannot afford to just get up and leave my bf. I bought a house with him because neither one of us wanted to put money towards rent and not get anything back in the long-term. As for the crush, I cannot ignore him because he is a customer of my work and will continue to be for at least another 2 years. Hooking up with him would not be professional, and I know it would mess up my relationship with my bf. I have not actually met him outside of work, I keep coming up with excuses, but it's beginning to get hard (obviously, he's not getting the message). I'm just looking for the best way to handle myself when I see him, what should I be telling him if he does stop by my work? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 The honest truth that you have a bf and are not looking for a replacement. Simple as that. Your excuses are in his eyes valid reasons, and will remain valid reasons until you tell him the truth. Ask him to stop his emails, politely. If he does not, simply do not respond to them. I bought a house with him because neither one of us wanted to put money towards rent and not get anything back in the long-term. That is a wrong reason to buy a house. With penalties, and / or mortgage payments you have put yourself in a worldfamous trap, from which you can't entangle yourself easily, when you are in your 20's. You are possibly staying with your bf for the wrong reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 Originally posted by flat_lander I am in my late twenties and have been in a relationship with a guy for 3 1/2 years - we've just bought a house together. I don't have any real plans to get married down the road or have kids anytime soon, committment scares the hell outta me, I'm still in shock that I bought a house with my bf. At my company, most of our customers are in their early to mid-twenties and I think I've developed a crush on one. He's very attractive and keeps dropping by my office to flirt with me and ask me out. He knows I have a bf, but he will invite both the bf and I out for a night of partying, which I keep declining. I know if I go anywhere outside of the company with him alone, I probably won't be able to stop myself from hitting on him, or even worse, cheating on my bf! Every time I see him, I keep thinking about what I'd like to do to him alone. I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about him and blush when I see him. Aargggh, what's a girl to do? "The crush" stops by about every two weeks or so and sends me the occasional email. He's a nice guy and I don't mind meeting him for lunch at my work, but he always wants to meet at night away from my work, and drinks are usually involved. But I know that every time I see "the crush" I get super strong lustful feelings for about a week, and this could really mess up my current relationship. I've cheated on boyfriends in the past, but that's only been in long-distance relationships, never while living with someone. Help, please give me advice. Has anyone else been in this situation? The truth is you will probably cheat on your boyfriend, if not with this guy another. You seem to lack self control. You act as though you can't control how you react to this guy and you're a victim. If you cared about your boyfriend you'd stop this crap with the crush now, no emails, no lunches, no drinks, tell him to back off. He will. The problem is you don't want him to back off completely. You like the attention. If you can't do any of that leave your boyfriend. He deserves a woman who loves him and who doesn't fall for every cute face that flirts with her. You're only 3 years into the relationship and you're not even married and you're having problems. You may as well leave him now. This is why its hard to feel sorry for those who cheat, they always have chances to stop it before it happens and they decide not to. Link to post Share on other sites
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