Mrs. John Adams Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 She stopped by yesterday morning and asked about contacting the ow. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 She's got so much to think about. Can you imagine this soooo soon after marriage, after convincing your parents that it's time to get married. Ugh! It's brutal. I know infidelity always is but there's something so sad about not being able to control himself so very soon after the wedding day. Poor lady 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 People on here have asked me why I advise leaving after someone cheats on you. Next time they do I can just link this topic. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 People on here have asked me why I advise leaving after someone cheats on you. Next time they do I can just link this topic. I certainly agree when cheating happens so early in the marriage. With no kids and when either party is still young to start over....I'd advise them to leave. Not that it should be tolerated by anyone else. The problem is too many WSs are confident their spouse will not divorce if they get caught and I think that notion should end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I think it doesn't matter when cheating happens in the marriage. Could be day 1, could be day 10,000. Since your vows you took were the same on day 1 as they would be on day 10,000 or in fact any day. Or even if you cheat on day 1 and your spouse doesn't find out until 40 years later..it is still grounds to be divorced. I remember a story of a guy in his 90's who had been married for 40-50 years found out his wife cheated many decades early and promptly left her ass. Kids just make it worse, because you cheat on the kids just as much as you do your spouse. Some people will say "nooo it has nothing to do with the kids" but nah, this crap impacts the ENTIRE family. Yes, even the damn dog. When there is a family involved you cheat on and betray the entire family. Link to post Share on other sites
yodelwithyu Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Dear Sandy92, I am so so sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to lend you a perspective contacting the OW. I understand not all are the same, so my interaction with the W not be the norm. I didn't know I was the OW. I thought he was single. Not even the separated crap. My "DDay" was a few weeks before hers. I already loved this guy, and I was super screwed up and flustered over this. I broke it off with him after seeing him one more time, which I still cringe about. Then in the space between, I had a pregnancy scare which turned out to be a missed miscarriage. This put us back in contact, but I didn't see him again. I had no intention to carry on as an affair, but I was having a hard time not talking to him at all at that time as no one else knew what I was going through. I know, it was stupid and I am dealing with the consequences. Then within a week/week and a half of that his W found out. I assumed it was a matter of time that she contacted me, and I told exMM I would not lie for him. So she texted one night, and I answered all her questions truthfully and provided her with screen grabs when she wanted proof. We actually got along pretty well, and commiserated together for 2/3 days about how this man had duped us both. Anyway, I was going to be done with it, and try and move on. I was shattered. Then he told his wife that he would not break it off with me (I thought it was over already...?) when she gave him an ultimatum, and instead asked for an open marriage. That is a whole different stupid story of how I actually became the OW, or secondary or whatever. But to be honest, even if I knew that is how things were going to play out, I still would have told her the truth and provided her with whatever she needed. Having said that, even if OW is honest with you, you might not want to hear all of it. There are things you cannot unhear or unsee. I know that the W was hurt by things I had to say, and I was definitely hurt by some of her versions of stories. I hope you can find your way to some peace, Sandy92. Take comfort in your friends and family. There are also a lot of good people here with great advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 First I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation, when you should still be giddy as a new bride. Reconciliation takes time and don’t be too hard on yourself that you have good days and bad days, that is just how it goes. If you have not told both sets of parents, make him do so under your supervision. People need to know so they can help you in this process, no matter which way you go. If you are ready for intimacy and he is not, there is a problem that he needs to address. Start by seeing a physician and then counseling, also marriage counseling would be a good idea as well. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I think it doesn't matter when cheating happens in the marriage. Could be day 1, could be day 10,000. Since your vows you took were the same on day 1 as they would be on day 10,000 or in fact any day. Or even if you cheat on day 1 and your spouse doesn't find out until 40 years later..it is still grounds to be divorced. I remember a story of a guy in his 90's who had been married for 40-50 years found out his wife cheated many decades early and promptly left her ass. Kids just make it worse, because you cheat on the kids just as much as you do your spouse. Some people will say "nooo it has nothing to do with the kids" but nah, this crap impacts the ENTIRE family. Yes, even the damn dog. When there is a family involved you cheat on and betray the entire family. I agree that it's bad whenever it happens and is certainly grounds for divorce, but depending on how much history and what you have to loose - it MIGHT be worth trying to reconcile IF you have a remorseful spouse. With a new marriage my thoughts are more that if one cheats in the early days, then you have no hope for the future. On the 90 year old man who left his wife.......well its entirely his right to divorce. I'd probably be thinking I haven't got much longer to live so there's no point in divorcing at 90. As you say kids make it worse and I fully agree that the whole family gets betrayed. That's something a lot of cheaters just don't seem to understand. It's not just the family at home, but also parents in laws, brothers/sisters in law etc. It affects everyone, if they all have a close relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 People on here have asked me why I advise leaving after someone cheats on you. Next time they do I can just link this topic. Not every situation is the same. So I don't think that is an answer for everyone. It all depends on what the BS is willing to forgive and work with and also it makes a difference if the WS is remorseful and willing to work on the M. I do not believe that the OP and her WH should stay together. He did way too much and for way too long. Getting someone pregnant is a deal breaker, whether she had it or not. After she forgave him and stayed he still did not want to sleep with her and there was no mention on MC or anything else that would help repair the M. I think this is important especially if you want to rebuild trust and communication. Also when you have younger people who don't have much experience you run the risks as well. Sandy, I hope that everything you read here helps you to see things clearly. What happened is not your fault and you are not worthless. You deserve a man who will treat you better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Sandy92 Check in if you can. It's a horrible amount to deal with at any age. At your wonderful age and with your hope? Unimaginable. Let us know how you're doing. LH Link to post Share on other sites
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