I got the 180- I'm terrified

[Speirling]

Hi all,

 

I discovered this place after 3 days of NC following a lengthy search engine binge to try to sooth my desperation. I've been reading and have been so reassured by people's posts and responses. I've felt so alone in how affected I am and this site has become somewhere I don't feel completely isolated in my pain. So thank you.

 

And now a question:

 

How long does the obsessing last? Does anyone who had to deal with LC have any advice when you know for certain you'll have to engage again?

 

Background:

 

Broke up 2 months ago but were sharing a room. He loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. I moved out despite having to lose my rent when I finally understood that what was happening between us was not signs of hope and possible reconciliation from his side. I would prefer to be full NC, but we have 2 months left on the lease and are jointly responsible for the place so need to sort cleaning etc.. We work for the same company and may also occasionally run into one another there. I've done 5 days NC (he's really against it and wanted to be friends but has respected it so far).

 

Thanks,

S

[mtnbiker3000]

Try making an "obsess appointment". Set a time to obsess all you want for maybe 5 or 10 minutes. Then, every time during the day you start to obsess, tell yourself you will wait until that appointment. When it arrives, let 'er rip!!! Maybe once a day if you need it, but once a week would be better...

[Yummm]

5 days NC is really short, it will get easier.

 

You'll have ups and downs, it's like an addiction you need to break.

 

Absolutely right that he should respect you when you go NC, being friends with him when you want more than friendship will not work and will make you suffer.

 

You need to learn to emotionally detach from this person and that is through NC, keep it up girl!

 

Regarding engaging with them again, i'm in the same boat myself. I see my ex almost daily as we work 2 minutes from eachother. Next month I will be going to a networking event where she goes to. You just have to deal with it, it will be a punch to the stomach when you first see him, but it will get easier, you can't hide forever.

[Speirling]

Thanks for responding.

 

I like the idea of the "obsess appointment" but I'm a bit far off packing it into a few minutes just yet! I'm struggling to be self-disciplined at the moment, but if I can start using the principle then hopefully I can condense the time down to the amount of time it takes to brush my teeth one day! (at the moment it feels like that's the amount of time I'm not thinking of him!)

 

Yummm- thanks for the words of encouragement. I think I feel I should be further along since the dumping was a while ago, but due to denial on my part and extreme mixed messages on his, I truly only got the memo recently and moved out as soon as possible.

 

I've got a meeting at head office regarding my next promotion tomorrow. I have to go because I just can't miss out on this because of the failure of our relationship. He works there every Friday; I'm rarely ever there. I'm really frustrated that it could look as if I'm deliberately throwing myself into his path. I'm also just scared- the last 5 days have been a really hard battle and I really don't want to go back to 0 and have to do it again!

 

Any tips on how to deal with the incoming punch in the stomach? I plan to avoid if humanly possible and be polite and as brief as I can if it is forced (while simultaneously being breezy, unaffected and looking amazing of course... ). But any words of wisdom on how to not dissolve into a puddle would be great

Edited July 9, 2015 by Speirling
Put an inappropriate smiley in the title by mistake!

[Speirling]

I woke up this morning feeling strangely ok. I doubt it will last but I'm trying to enjoy it.

 

I appear to also have a fairy godmother- my manager rescheduled our meeting. I'm glad because I'm not resilient enough to deal with it just 1 week after starting NC.

 

Ironically, the biggest indicator of this is that I'm disappointed I won't see him. Partly I just wanted to get the first run in out of the way. But I've unpicked ita little bit and I think it's because I don't want him to forget me and I want him to see me and remember he misses me. Which is illogical really, because I don't want a man who could forget and not miss me after everything we went through, and if I believe the only way that will happen is if he sees me then I don't want him!

 

More importantly, I'm doing this for myself, not him. I don't know what yet, but I'm going to do something nice and fun for myself today. I'll have to face him soon, but I'm going to enjoy my reprieve.

[Speirling]

So I'm updating for myself more than for a response- but the title still stands- I couldn't have done this without you.

 

I've had 2 batches of messages from him- I haven't replied. Today I got:

 

Heya, if it was you, thank you x

 

I've got a work meal tonight so will stay with ant and Sarah, in case you wanted to go to the flat x

 

Hope all is well with you x

 

(Whatever it was he's referring to, it wasn't me...)

 

So day 12 Of NC, got messages on day 8 detailed in another thread I think. And now this. I'm so proud I didn't reply. The charitable side of me thinks someone did something nice for him and he was being polite. The cynical side thinks that he was baiting the hook in the most ridiculous way. He forced me to couch surf, it's unrealistic to make that offer (I need to get the rest of my stuff) at such short notice again (same trick last time) as if I somehow don't need to plan where I'm staying since I'm at the mercy of the kindness and patience of my friends.

 

I listened to timshel by Mumford and sons tonight and these words made me think of this community:

 

Cold is the water

It freezes your already cold mind

Already cold, cold mind

And death is at your doorstep

And it will steal your innocence

But it will not steal your substance

 

But you are not alone in this

And you are not alone in this

As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand

Hold your hand

 

It made me think of you all. I have realised that as much as I love this place I'm using it as a crutch. It was suggested (wisely) that I allow myself an obsess appointment, and I have restricted myself to one hour per day here reading and writing for the last few days. It's helped. I was too impacted by people's hope of reconciliation and the slant on NC and GIGS as ending up with the parties finding the truth and being happily ever after in the end...

Don't get me wrong, I can't kill my hope (yet), but increasing my hope that doing what I'm doing will "get us back together" is stopping me from working on myself. Regardless of what he does or decides in the end, I will surmount this. I have never actively participated in a forum before (though I have lurked in several, none so related to real life as this) I have found the writing therapeutic. So...I bought a pad and a nice set of pens. I've filled at least 20 pages of a5 so far. I keep it with me, and I get it out when it becomes overwhelming. The closest thing I can compare it to is throwing up when you have food poisoning- you know that there's likely going to be more, but the cathartic and momentary relief of getting it out is helpful. And it definitely stops you thinking "omg, I'm going to throw up, I'm going to throw up im going to throw up, throw up, puke, omg, I'm going to be sick....etc"

 

So, again, I thank you all for sharing this awful thing of mine with me, and sharing your horrors so openly with me,

 

Keep going,

 

Sx

[aloneinaz]

It sounds like you're coping fine. Stay on this course and you'll continue to feel better and better.

 

 

Keep reading here as well. There are so many posts about people who "tried one more time" and it failed miserably. I've had over 5 relationships that included a break up and reconciliation. NONE of them worked out. After the reconciliation, all the same problems, issues were there to cause yet another break up. There's several people (including me) that don't believe a relationship should continue after a break up. My experiences and most others are a great example why.

[Speirling]

Hi all,

 

I shared a flat with my ex and 3 others, moved out 2 months post bu when I realised that he was just keeping me as a back up, full NC for over 6 weeks now (my choice). Our landlord wants us all to attend the checkout appointment at the start of September. I dropped my keys off when I collected the last of my things, I have been covering my rent and bills despite not living there, and I really don't want to go back.

 

I don't want him/them to know I am still so affected that I can't be in our old flat together for an hour or so. I also don't want to have to deal with the fallout if I say I can't make it on that date. Nor do I want to have to deal with having to see him again.

 

I could say I'm going to be out of the country that week, and get told off for not being available, I could get stuck at the last minute (on the day) and just not turn up, or I could just go and get it over with.

 

We work together so a run in is inevitable eventually.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Sxxx

[d0nnivain]

I don't know where you are from but where I live your only obligations to your landlord are to pay the rent in full on time, not wreck the place and not bug the other tenants. You are not required to go to some check out appointment. However, at that appointment they will probably discuss your collective entitlement to the security deposit back. How much do you care about that?

 

 

FWIW, imo addressing legal issues -- security deposits etc. -- is a valid reason to break NC

[Speirling]

I think that's the basis of the request- that we will need to reach a consensus on how to split the deposit back up. The money is important to me- I'm very angry that he wouldn't reach an agreement about splitting the rent or bills. But my progress is important too. I'm not sure what would be better for me at this point- actually standing up for myself and getting what I deserve back from the deposit, or letting it go.

[d0nnivain]

Only you can decipher that.

 

 

Think it through. Envision the best case scenarios & the worst. Which will enable you to hold your head high & be proud of yourself a year from now? Do that.

[Speirling]

Apologies mods if you want to combine my threads....

 

180, it happened, it's what I barely dreamed to wish for, but I'm just so scared. I know I should be happy, but this was the worst pain I ever felt for a boy. I worked my backside off to get here, and uni think I have further to go. I've had all this ridiculous feeling about being unable to let go of hope.i have been unable to let go of this "magical" feeling that it was somehow meant to be. I trust this site, you've been my friends, told me the hard truths from reading. I have trusted and truly believe in NC. I've worked so hard, it's been agony, I know I need to keep my cool. But how do i explain what I've had to go through and why it's not as simple as "feeling right" anymore? I love him.

 

This is far from a success story- I have now what I "wanted", and I just feel sick. I don't want to do that pain again. I don't want to give up a chance for what I believe is right.

 

Sense, anyone?

[Oregon_Dude]

I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to convey.

 

Speak in specifics. What HAPPENED?

[singme2sleep]

He wants you back?

[Mortana]

If I understand correctly, he wants you back but you're still hurt from the break up? If that's the case, I'm not sure you're the one who's ready to get back together. Besides, if you want to actually make it work the second time, you can't just return to the old relationship (remember, that's the one that failed), you have to build a new one. Being in a relationship because 'it just feels right' is a bit naive and young, being with someone is always work which you do because you feel that you are better together than apart...

[Speirling]

Sorry guys, was in a bit of a tizzy!

 

Oregon Dude - I got an email, he made a mistake, he loves me, he wants work through it together if I'm willing to try... etc. etc. etc. Literally the perfect definition of a 180 - you could use it as a case study. Couldn't believe what I was reading.

 

Mortana - absolutely right. I put "it feels right" in quotes for that exact reason, I am fully aware of how much work it takes to maintain a successful relationship! I am definitely still healing - I've done very well, but I am not what I would call "fully recovered" and he has been clear that he is not either. He has been very understanding about how I feel, and honest about where he is too.

 

I actually said exactly that to him about not wanting to fall back into the old relationship - I have absolutely no desire to go backwards whatsoever. With that said, I also don't want to blow a chance at reconciliation in the future. Part of me thinks that given I feel so strongly and have the beliefs I do about us as a couple - why wait?!

 

I'm feeling really conflicted. I don't want to miss a chance to be with the person I love. I don't want to rush into something I'm not ready for. I do believe that it could work, but I also believe that our best chance would be if we had fully healed and could approach a new relationship fresh and without baggage. I also don't want to be in a situation where we end up waiting for each other.

 

I guess I need to sit with it for a little while and be really honest with myself.

 

Still in disbelief.

 

Sxxx

[singme2sleep]

Good luck girl, make the best decision for you. Meanwhile I'm jealous! I'd give anything for my ex to have a change of heart.

[Speirling]

Update for you on this guys.

 

Not much has changed really, he wants to meet up to talk but is giving me some time to think. He thinks he's still in love with me. The same conflict remains for me, I can't really know how he's feeling, but I definitely know I'm not healed from the breakup. I also know if we have a real chance then we would need to start again, with no baggage.

 

I'm very suspicious of his turnaround (which I feel is completely natural) but he feels hurt by my scepticism. I can appreciate that it would be unpleasant to be disbelieved about your feelings like this.

 

I'm taking my time, but I really can't see a good way forward. I don't want to miss my chance, and I can't expect him to regain my trust if I don't give him one. I don't want to degenerate into our old relationship.

 

A friend (not close) was talking about exes coming back with regard to another friend a couple of nights ago. She says she always sets a date 6 months in the future to meet for coffee at a set place. If she wants to go, she does, if not she doesn't. I can see the sense in it, and it would help me to know if he was serious, but there's something contrived about it that makes me uncomfortable. And how can you let go and move on properly if you know you have a deadline?

 

Not going to respond to him for a while, I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

Hope everyone is doing ok, thoughts welcome.

 

Sxxx

[justtrying]

Update for you on this guys.

 

Not much has changed really, he wants to meet up to talk but is giving me some time to think. He thinks he's still in love with me. The same conflict remains for me, I can't really know how he's feeling, but I definitely know I'm not healed from the breakup. I also know if we have a real chance then we would need to start again, with no baggage.

 

I'm very suspicious of his turnaround (which I feel is completely natural) but he feels hurt by my scepticism. I can appreciate that it would be unpleasant to be disbelieved about your feelings like this.

 

I'm taking my time, but I really can't see a good way forward. I don't want to miss my chance, and I can't expect him to regain my trust if I don't give him one. I don't want to degenerate into our old relationship.

 

A friend (not close) was talking about exes coming back with regard to another friend a couple of nights ago. She says she always sets a date 6 months in the future to meet for coffee at a set place. If she wants to go, she does, if not she doesn't. I can see the sense in it, and it would help me to know if he was serious, but there's something contrived about it that makes me uncomfortable. And how can you let go and move on properly if you know you have a deadline?

 

Not going to respond to him for a while, I just don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

Hope everyone is doing ok, thoughts welcome.

 

Sxxx

 

Has he outright told you he thinks there's a very high chance he wants to be in a relationship with you again?

[Speirling]

snippet below...

 

I don't want to pressure you or rush you, and I certainly don't want to try to get you to do something if you know you don't and won't want to - so speaking for myself, I want to give this a chance, I think it's worth trying for, I feel because of the way I know we would go about it, what we have to lose at this stage is minimal, especially compared to what we might gain. That's how I feel about this and that isn't going to change. I appreciate it isn't simple and it isn't clear for you right now. I'm not going anywhere so can I ask you to please take some time and think about it? I'll be as patient as it takes.

 

Any opinions welcome!

 

Sxxx

[justtrying]

snippet below...

 

I don't want to pressure you or rush you, and I certainly don't want to try to get you to do something if you know you don't and won't want to - so speaking for myself, I want to give this a chance, I think it's worth trying for, I feel because of the way I know we would go about it, what we have to lose at this stage is minimal, especially compared to what we might gain. That's how I feel about this and that isn't going to change. I appreciate it isn't simple and it isn't clear for you right now. I'm not going anywhere so can I ask you to please take some time and think about it? I'll be as patient as it takes.

 

Any opinions welcome!

 

Sxxx

 

First off, if you are truly in love with him and he's never done anything really terrible to you, I'm so so happy for you, that you get another chance at what you want.

 

I'm maybe not in the best shape to be giving advice to others given my current situation, but it makes me feel like I should.

 

Although they're different situations, the one aspect is very similar - waiting. I knew there were issues arising in my relationship and instead of acting on that and communicating I did nothing, things got worse and worse and now it very much looks like I've lost the girl I love more than anything. Waiting (when there's a clear and fast action you can take) can be dangerous, of course you know yourself and your situation better than I do, but waiting to start up again with the guy you love could be something you really regret. Damage could be done that is very hard to repair.

 

I'm not trying to throw you off and I apologise if this upsets you, I have just learnt a lot of damage can be done by not taking a clear action to help something you want that is right in front of you.

[Speirling]

Unfortunately justtrying it wasn't that straightforward.

 

He had some mental health issues and treated me pretty badly. I stayed way too long because I loved him and believe in second chances. I've had my own issues, before him, so I know that people really can change and I'm so grateful for the second chances I was lucky enough to get from people in my life.

 

I love him, I have no doubt on that, and I always will. Whether we should be together is a different question. I'm not sure enough time has passed for him to have truly worked through his issues and sorted himself out - this stuff takes a lot of time, and a lot of hard, hard work to truly change.

 

I know I must seem ungrateful to those on here who have a fresh break up, and I can't quite believe my reaction myself after wishing for it for so long and so desperately. But I nearly didn't survive this, and my own recovery is important to me now. I also know I can't fix him. Tried that, failed miserably.

 

Sxxx

[justtrying]

Unfortunately justtrying it wasn't that straightforward.

 

He had some mental health issues and treated me pretty badly. I stayed way too long because I loved him and believe in second chances. I've had my own issues, before him, so I know that people really can change and I'm so grateful for the second chances I was lucky enough to get from people in my life.

 

I love him, I have no doubt on that, and I always will. Whether we should be together is a different question. I'm not sure enough time has passed for him to have truly worked through his issues and sorted himself out - this stuff takes a lot of time, and a lot of hard, hard work to truly change.

 

I know I must seem ungrateful to those on here who have a fresh break up, and I can't quite believe my reaction myself after wishing for it for so long and so desperately. But I nearly didn't survive this, and my own recovery is important to me now. I also know I can't fix him. Tried that, failed miserably.

 

Sxxx

 

Clearly there are issues involved that you know far more about than I do so I won't touch on those.

 

I don't think you seem ungrateful, every situation is different and only you can decide what is a positive and negative impact on your life. I guess a halfway choice would be to start back up again with caution and distance - leaving yourself a route out if it goes sour (and letting him know that this is very much a possibility. If you don't even want that, and your main concern is feeling better and seeing if he is still there if you do want him further down the line, maybe that's what you should do.

 

Honestly, from where you were, it's fantastic how well you're coping and you should be very proud of yourself.

[singme2sleep]

Clearly there are issues involved that you know far more about than I do so I won't touch on those.

 

I don't think you seem ungrateful, every situation is different and only you can decide what is a positive and negative impact on your life. I guess a halfway choice would be to start back up again with caution and distance - leaving yourself a route out if it goes sour (and letting him know that this is very much a possibility. If you don't even want that, and your main concern is feeling better and seeing if he is still there if you do want him further down the line, maybe that's what you should do.

 

Honestly, from where you were, it's fantastic how well you're coping and you should be very proud of yourself.

 

I feel like our situations are more similar than I thought, only you've had more time and now you've got the outcome I want. Sure everyone is going to jump on me if they haven't already because I'm not "supposed" to want my ex back but I do. I hope you make the right choice for you and your heart, I understand it's not easy. You don't want him to hurt you again, I can sympathize. Whatever is meant to be will be.