Desperate for

[Confusedbymen]

My husband and I have been married for 13 years. After about 7 years hestarted going out with his friends all the time, 3 to 4 times a week. He never cheated or even thought about it, he was just out with old friends trying to act 19 again. He had been a single parent raising a child by himself. She was 11 when we married. We also have a 16 and 12 year old still living with us at the time. Both the kids and I tried to tell him he was going out too much, but it continued for about 4 years. I withdrew and made a life for me and the kids. My husband was sleeping in the other bedroom for the last year. My husband said he realized he messed up, and was trying to do things with me and the kids, but I was angry and the kids were angry. I thought now that he wants us around we are all supposed to fall at his feet and rejoice?? He moved out and I was happy, and kids were as well. For 5 months he was trying everything to get back in the house, but I was barely speaking to him. I filed for a divorce after 5 months. All the time on my own had me thinking, and I realize I played a part in this too. He sounded like he really changed and wanted to make the kids and I happy so I decided to fight for our relationship like he had been. When I wanted to try he had just started seeing his ex girlfriend from 20 years ago. He cried for 2 hours telling me he was so scared of me, and shared he was so depressed those 5 months that he seriously thought about ending his life. I was so heartbroken that after 13 years I was replaceable in 5 months. He went on a vacation with her and her kids, he was spending almost every night with her. For her birthday he took her to the same special resteraunt he took me to for 13 years and bought her the same bracelet from Tiffany's he bought me on my first birthday together. They were together for 6 weeks, and he was telling her he loved her and promised her he would never come back to me. I finally was getting strong and was getting to where I thought I could be OK with us divorced. He told the kids he had a girlfriend and neither child would speak to him, 16 year old daughter and 11 year old son. After 6 weeks, he broke it off with her. I mean woke up at her place, and called her and said he was going to try to work it out with me for the kids. He said he took the easy way out with her, that he missed me so much and she wasn't me. We have been back together for a year, and I know now he has been the perfect husband. My question that is killing me is why say he loved her, why the birthday at our special place and the same bracelet that meant so much to me. She has a son the same age as ours and lives in the same town. I have to see her all the time at my son's sports games. Her son was even pitching to my son (he got a triple and won the game) I know people will tell me to get over it, but seeing her brings back all the memories of him sleeping with her. Did he really love her? Did he love her at the time? Did he come back for the kids like he told her and not me? Why ruin our special b day place and my bracelet then blow her off 5 days later? What was really going on those 6 weeks, and how am I suppose to feel when I have to be around her?? I need to understand what happened so I can continue to move forward. We were seperated but never divorced. I am having a very hard time knowing while we were legally married he was sleeping with another and telling her he loved her. I feel like our vows were all broken. I don't want to be with someone just for the kids, I want to be with someone that loves me. I don't want to wear my bracelet anymore, it means nothing. I wanted to move a year ago, but our kids love their schools. Seeing her each week brings up all the emotions, and I don't want to go through it until my youngest graduates. I have seen counsellors, I am beginning to feel it is not in my DNA to completely forget about those 6 weeks, and that scares me because I do love my husband. Please help me!!