Advice from old couple and an old priest

[williewill]

I deal with the eldery often in my business.

Since I got engaged over a year ago, I often ask eldery couples about the secrets to their long lasting marriage.

 

One couple had been married over 60 years and they were just the cutest old people I ever saw, still obviously in love and affectionate.

 

The man was about 80 and very sharp, intelligent, one of those old guys you could tell still had his wits about him.

 

His wife was talking about loving each other, being nice to each other, etc etc.

 

And he only had one comment as I was leaving his home.

 

He told me, "You have to learn to live with each other's faults."

 

The whole ride home I'm wondering why a man married over 60 years and seemingly happily married only have those words of encouragement.

 

I think I've come to realize its because it is the most true and basic thing about marriage that we all forget.

 

As the priest told us last week *as we met to discuss marriage preparations* "When you marry each other you aren't marrying just the good parts of each other. You are marrying all of each other. So communicate with each other and don't say things that you'll regret."

 

I'm not claiming to have all the answers as you can see from my other post we're working on things with each other... but I thought this was worth passing along.

[quankanne]

his words of wisdom may sound simplistic, but they hit the nail right on the head: after the honeymoon is over, people begin to see a whole new side to their mate. Not meant in a bad or scary way, just ... new. And you've got to move or look past those annoying things about your spouse to really "see" all of him/her.

 

I think the old man's words also relate to knowing that everyday you stay in your marriage, you are affirming to yourself "this is the person I choose." Some days are harder than others because you're disappointed, hurt, disillusioned by your partner, but other days you've been given something so precious when you discover something about that person that you never really thought about: compassion, humor, kindness, etc.

 

there are times I just want to pinch DH's head off because he's being such a redneck that his attitude annoys me, but those cannot begin to compare to discovering those wonderful qualities he possesses.

 

welcome to the forum WW, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage

 

quank

[moimeme]

I have also asked longtime couples what kept them together. In all cases, when describing their partners to me, it was evident that they truly believed in the goodness of their beloved ones. And John Gottman says that it's being kind to one another always that makes a relationship last.

 

JG: What I call "the masters of marriage" are individuals who are being kind to one another. They may raise difficult issues but they also soften them in a very considerate way. They frequently express appreciation. They communicate respect and love every day in numerous small ways. There are so many more positive exchanges in these relationships than those that are heading for divorce. These individuals show more affection for each other and they communicate greater interest in one another and use more humor. They scan their environment, looking for opportunities to say "thank you" rather than searching for mistakes the other person has made. They look at their partner through a different filter. It is a much more positive one. That turns out to have very powerful implications.

http://www.erickson-foundation.org/news/Archives/21(3)/interview%20-%20John%20Gottman.htm

[Thinkalot]

looking for things to praise, instead of looking for things to pick on, is one which hits home with me.

I havein the past, been accused of being too critical, and focussing more on the bad than the good. realising the truth in that, I have started trying to change my ways. Choosing to see and focus the good, and simply accept, rather than focus on the bad, does make a big difference.