Is it appropriated for me to be intrigued by another woman?

[GuessWho36]

I am married and I seem to not be able to stop thinking about and noticing this young woman... She motivates me.. Not sure I'll be able to forget her.. Sometimes we don't talk for weeks and it feels so long... I am married in my 40s.. The young woman is in her 20s.. We have flirted in the past but I decided it wasn't right so I tried to minimize it yet we stay in contact.. Is going no contact and.ignoring her the best thing to overcome this fantasy/EA?

[GuessWho36]

I am married and I seem to not be able to stop thinking about and noticing this young woman... She motivates me.. Not sure I'll be able to forget her.. Sometimes we don't talk for weeks and it feels so long... I am married in my 40s.. The young woman is in her 20s.. We have flirted in the past but I decided it wasn't right so I tried to minimize it yet we stay in contact.. Is going no contact and.ignoring her the best thing to overcome this fantasy/EA?

 

I love my wife and I am happy.. But this other woman just does something to me.. Pure intriguement..

[almond]

What would you want your wife to do if she found herself in this kind of position with a younger man?

 

Do that.

[Grumpybutfun]

What are you lacking in your life and character? Figure that out and then try to reconnect with your wife...she deserves you to put that energy into her...she married you. When trust is gone...it is gone. Even if she never found out about your crush, it lessens your integrity and your value to her.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Lois_Griffin]

People get innocent crushes all the time - married or single.

 

This one borders on the creepy however, since she's a young girl in her 20's and the OP seems a bit 'overly' infatuated with her.

 

Keep willingly dancing around the pit, OP; sooner or later, you'll fall in. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Is this woman someone you know in real life or just through online?

 

Regardless, it's an EA and it's wrong if you're married and keeping it a secret from your wife. I would strongly suggest taking Grumpy up on his advice in order to affair-proof your marriage. At the very least NC is about the only immediate remedy.

 

Good luck.

[smackie9]

It's better to stop with emotional affairs. I understand a marriage can get stagnant, and one of the reason people stray is boredom. We get so busy with life, we forget to be a couple and do date nights. So it's no wonder these little crushes drive us crazy and sometimes makes us make poor choices.

 

So yes no contact would be the most appropriate things to do. Then discuss with you wife that you both should come up with ideas to spice things up, like being more spontaneous, go out on adventures, have mini vacations, try something new like scuba diving, or salsa dance lessons....by doing things together out of your comfort zone will make you connect with each other better.

[candie13]

OP... lemme just ask you: do you like your house? your car? going on nice holidays? raising your kids in your own house? Because you're about to wave all of those good bye for a 20 year old who may or may not be into you.

 

Most men don't think beyond "she's so cool and enigmatic"... and generally pursue the object of their admiration. Older, smarter and more powerful men have lost control over their EA, there is a real danger out there.

 

I understand the attraction and promise of youth, though. Careful, mate, you risk to pay it through your teeth!

[maturityassets]

Stop all contact. You can't always prevent butterflies for someone else other than your SO, but you can always suffocate those butterflies. The more contact that you would consider as flirty, the longer it will take to phase out the feeling. I know if its some one I had 1 or 2 interactions with, a good week of avoiding contact will get rid of it. And if that person makes the contact, just don't be too open to talking. Keep it short and make it clear in proving to yourself that you are not interested. Good Luck!

[Nikki Sahagin]

I'd say cut all contact with her. In time, she will become a distant memory. The more you talk with her the more you are fanning the flames for a potential affair. You say you are happy with your wife. Perhaps you have become content and a bit bored and the other girl represents excitement? Try to connect with your wife in an adventurous/spontaneous way.

 

Definately cut out the other woman.

 

Anything that is a threat to your relationship should be cut out.

[MightyPen]

OP, I've been in your exact same shoes for the past year. I know what you're probably feeling.

 

Yes, it's flattering that a younger woman gives you attention and seems to be "into" you. I totally get it. If she's also witty and charming and energetic, well yeah that's a tough combination to resist because you've probably told yourself you're "past that stage" of being around women like that.

 

I do agree with the others to tread lightly. Sometimes these things can creep up on you. It starts with harmless banter, and then you get more infatuated, and you start thinking about certain things, and before you know it, you're spending a huge percentage of your emotional energy on her.

 

None of this makes you a bad person. It makes you human. But think about what you really want...do you want your life as it is, or do you want to be free to test the waters with her? If it's the second, you're going to have to make some HUGE life changes. Is it worth it?

[kendahke]

I am married and I seem to not be able to stop thinking about and noticing this young woman... She motivates me.. Not sure I'll be able to forget her.. Sometimes we don't talk for weeks and it feels so long... I am married in my 40s.. The young woman is in her 20s.. We have flirted in the past but I decided it wasn't right so I tried to minimize it yet we stay in contact.. Is going no contact and.ignoring her the best thing to overcome this fantasy/EA?

 

Yes that and making the decision to stop flirting or trying to stay in contact.

 

A lot of this is you not staying in your own lane.

[CarrieT]

Yes, married people - all people - experience crushes throughout their life.

 

The best thing you could do is to tell you wife; bring it out in the open and it will get diffused immediately. Make light of it and realize your wife has probably had her share of crushes as well.

[smackie9]

I disagree.....exposing your crush with a coworker to your wife will just open up another can of worms. It would really hurt the wife's feelings, and plant an unwanted seed of paranoia. Not everyone is THAT open minded to talk openly about people you would like to boink or that make you walk on air. Learn to diffuse it yourself.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I disagree.....exposing your crush with a coworker to your wife will just open up another can of worms. It would really hurt the wife's feelings, and plant an unwanted seed of paranoia. Not everyone is THAT open minded to talk openly about people you would like to boink or that make you walk on air. Learn to diffuse it yourself.

 

I agree. If my bf told me he had a crush on a work colleague I'd probably dread every day he went to work or feel sick to my stomach. I guess I'm not open minded enough in that way. I suppose others would argue it's then a secret and a lie. Perhaps there's a middle ground.