Confusedbymen Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 My husband and I have been married for 13 years. After about 7 years hestarted going out with his friends all the time, 3 to 4 times a week. He never cheated or even thought about it, he was just out with old friends trying to act 19 again. He had been a single parent raising a child by himself. She was 11 when we married. We also have a 16 and 12 year old still living with us at the time. Both the kids and I tried to tell him he was going out too much, but it continued for about 4 years. I withdrew and made a life for me and the kids. My husband was sleeping in the other bedroom for the last year. My husband said he realized he messed up, and was trying to do things with me and the kids, but I was angry and the kids were angry. I thought now that he wants us around we are all supposed to fall at his feet and rejoice?? He moved out and I was happy, and kids were as well. For 5 months he was trying everything to get back in the house, but I was barely speaking to him. I filed for a divorce after 5 months. All the time on my own had me thinking, and I realize I played a part in this too. He sounded like he really changed and wanted to make the kids and I happy so I decided to fight for our relationship like he had been. When I wanted to try he had just started seeing his ex girlfriend from 20 years ago. He cried for 2 hours telling me he was so scared of me, and shared he was so depressed those 5 months that he seriously thought about ending his life. I was so heartbroken that after 13 years I was replaceable in 5 months. He went on a vacation with her and her kids, he was spending almost every night with her. For her birthday he took her to the same special resteraunt he took me to for 13 years and bought her the same bracelet from Tiffany's he bought me on my first birthday together. They were together for 6 weeks, and he was telling her he loved her and promised her he would never come back to me. I finally was getting strong and was getting to where I thought I could be OK with us divorced. He told the kids he had a girlfriend and neither child would speak to him, 16 year old daughter and 11 year old son. After 6 weeks, he broke it off with her. I mean woke up at her place, and called her and said he was going to try to work it out with me for the kids. He said he took the easy way out with her, that he missed me so much and she wasn't me. We have been back together for a year, and I know now he has been the perfect husband. My question that is killing me is why say he loved her, why the birthday at our special place and the same bracelet that meant so much to me. She has a son the same age as ours and lives in the same town. I have to see her all the time at my son's sports games. Her son was even pitching to my son (he got a triple and won the game) I know people will tell me to get over it, but seeing her brings back all the memories of him sleeping with her. Did he really love her? Did he love her at the time? Did he come back for the kids like he told her and not me? Why ruin our special b day place and my bracelet then blow her off 5 days later? What was really going on those 6 weeks, and how am I suppose to feel when I have to be around her?? I need to understand what happened so I can continue to move forward. We were seperated but never divorced. I am having a very hard time knowing while we were legally married he was sleeping with another and telling her he loved her. I feel like our vows were all broken. I don't want to be with someone just for the kids, I want to be with someone that loves me. I don't want to wear my bracelet anymore, it means nothing. I wanted to move a year ago, but our kids love their schools. Seeing her each week brings up all the emotions, and I don't want to go through it until my youngest graduates. I have seen counsellors, I am beginning to feel it is not in my DNA to completely forget about those 6 weeks, and that scares me because I do love my husband. Please help me!! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Why don't you ask him all those questions? You deserve answers if you intend to stay married. Why did you take him back without that info from him? Some men don't like being without a woman. Yours may be one of them. He's not creative. He couldn't even think of another place to take her? He couldn't think to buy a different piece of jewelry? Pffft. Sell the bracelet and buy yourself something else you want. If not, give it to someone who would like it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 This is all very sad :-( I think it's kind of like he said, he was trying to replace you and recreate the memories and good times that he had with you, but she wasn't you. He eventually realized it couldn't be done. You can't replace a person or a relationship with another person. There are no substitutions. You can only hit the reset button and create a new relationship from scratch with someone else. He had the opportunity to do that but opted out. Not to be harsh or point fingers but I think you both have dropped the ball in your own ways, but I think if both of you are willing to work at it, this may be able to be turned around. It will take a lot of work and professional guidance though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 well just remember the word "love" has different forms and meanings. maybe he loved the void she filled when he wasn't with you? maybe he loved not being alone? I mean if a person really feels depressed like maybe he was sometimes the attention that person wants from someone that's not there (you) can easily feel like its replaced by someone else(her). One persons meaning of "love" may not be the same as anothers, for example I love pizza, I love lamp, I love to wake up early...etc. If you love this man try to forgive and forget, because the important thing is that he is with you, thru all the turmoil that both of you caused he is with you and hopefully his love for you is real. I personally feel a person can change, can actually be reborn in a sense and have a completely differnet outlook on life. Hopefully he did, and hopefully you guys can work it all out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 You two need to go to marriage counseling. Give it your best shot! Each of you should also do individual counseling but use the same person. He caused you a lot of pain, trying to start a new life with someone else..Sounds like he was a fantasy bubble and it popped, he had a reality check. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 He caused you a lot of pain, trying to start a new life with someone else..Sounds like he was a fantasy bubble and it popped, he had a reality check. I think a better way to word it is he was trying to relive an old life with a stand-in and his fantasy bubble burst. I actually have a different view on this than some of the others. I can understand the OP' s hurt and anger over what he did. However I think it would've been more damming if he was completely starting anew and doing things completely different with the OM. it may be sick and twisted and psycho in a way, but I think he was trying to recreate the life and times he had had with the OP. I think that means that somewhere inside him he still loves the OP and still wants that life again. Now him basically abandoning the family to go out and drink and party was wrong and maladaptive and would need to be thoroughly addressed nd corrected, but I think the things he did was a psycho attempt to hold on to the life he had with the OP. There is a possibility he is an alcoholic and alcoholics brains just simply do not work right and they become developmentally stunted and do not experience the personal growth and adaptation that a healthy person would. This doesn't mean that I think the OP should automatically take him back. She has just cause to walk away and not look and I wouldn't second guess her for a second for doing exactly that. However what I am saying is that he still has love for the OP and still has a yearning for the life that they had. He obviously has a tremendous amount of work and personal growth to do before he would be capable of being a valid partner to her, and it would be up to her if she is willing to wait for him to accomplish that work and growth or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 My gut says that this OW was just a rebound. The guy lost his wife and found a stand-in. He left her for you. That must've been tough for him to do. I think he ended up with the woman he really wanted, regardless of what he might have said to the OW. Staying in the marriage or not is your call. But I don't think you should feel threatened by his "feelings" for the OW. You won him. Whether or not he's a prize is for you to decide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Staying in the marriage or not is your call. But I don't think you should feel threatened by his "feelings" for the OW. You won him. Whether or not he's a prize is for you to decide. that's a good way to put it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts