Should my husband really be going to this party after his accident?

[Mapper71]

My husband was in a bad accident about 4 1/2 weeks ago with broken ribs, cracked sternum and collapsed lung which required a chest tube in for 5 days. He is still taking pain meds (oxycodone and morphine) although he has backed off quite a bit on the dosage. He is still in quite a bit of pain, but his biggest issue is the lung. He gets tired pretty easily and still has issues getting a deep breath and I find him napping on and off all the time. He still has fluid in his lung, but xrays show that it is slowly being reabsorbed.

 

So there's this Halloween party that he says he still wants to go to next weekend (10 days from now). I am very leery about going to this. He has been housebound the entire time with the exception of doctor's appts and a trip to Best Buy, so basically staying within a 5 mile radius of home and these trips themselves have worn him out. He ran some cable and cooked dinner over the weekend and he was toast after that. This party is an hour away and doesn't start until 8PM. I just can't see him (us) going to this. The drive itself will wear him out, even if he's the passenger, and he shouldn't be drinking any alcohol while he's on his meds and there will be a ton of it there that I'm sure will tempt him. I don't think he can handle much more than a beer or two anyways since he's barely had anything to drink in over a month. He says he'll just drink Gatorade. Right! He can't stand for long periods and gets tired way easily.

 

Yes it's still 10 days away and I'm sure he'll improve a bit, but I don't think his first big outing should be to a Halloween party with alcohol that goes til all hours of the morning. What do you think? And I don't want to buy costumes and drive to a party an hour away where he's going to be tired in 2 hours.

[MightyPen]

My husband was in a bad accident about 4 1/2 weeks ago with broken ribs, cracked sternum and collapsed lung which required a chest tube in for 5 days. He is still taking pain meds (oxycodone and morphine) although he has backed off quite a bit on the dosage. He is still in quite a bit of pain, but his biggest issue is the lung. He gets tired pretty easily and still has issues getting a deep breath and I find him napping on and off all the time. He still has fluid in his lung, but xrays show that it is slowly being reabsorbed.

 

So there's this Halloween party that he says he still wants to go to next weekend (10 days from now). I am very leery about going to this. He has been housebound the entire time with the exception of doctor's appts and a trip to Best Buy, so basically staying within a 5 mile radius of home and these trips themselves have worn him out. He ran some cable and cooked dinner over the weekend and he was toast after that. This party is an hour away and doesn't start until 8PM. I just can't see him (us) going to this. The drive itself will wear him out, even if he's the passenger, and he shouldn't be drinking any alcohol while he's on his meds and there will be a ton of it there that I'm sure will tempt him. I don't think he can handle much more than a beer or two anyways since he's barely had anything to drink in over a month. He says he'll just drink Gatorade. Right! He can't stand for long periods and gets tired way easily.

 

Yes it's still 10 days away and I'm sure he'll improve a bit, but I don't think his first big outing should be to a Halloween party with alcohol that goes til all hours of the morning. What do you think? And I don't want to buy costumes and drive to a party an hour away where he's going to be tired in 2 hours.

 

 

Well, he's an adult and so obviously he can make his own social arrangements, so you can't really 'stop' him, unless it's unsafe for him to drive and you refuse to drive him.

 

I would suggest taking him. He's probably bored and lonely. I'm guessing he has accompanied you to a social gathering where he wasn't thrilled to go but went because of you.

[CarrieT]

Since he had always fine whatever he wants - regardless of repercussions - I don't see this as being any different.

 

He is going to do what he wants. You can either assist to make it easier for him or not.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't see the issue at all. You should offer to drive, because you want it to be as little stress for him as possible. You go, stay a while, have some fun, and then drive home. If he gets tired and needs to leave early, you drive him home. He can snooze on the back seat.

 

Poor guy is probably bored senseless being in the home all the time. I kinda could understand what you're saying in the sense that you don't want to do a two hour total drive for an hour at a party, but given the circumstances... surely you can handle that bit of a driving to let your husband enjoy himself after so much recuperation? I'd be pleased I could do something to help him get back out there and see friends!

[Mapper71]

Yeah I understand. If this was going to be a calm party I'd be much more apt to go to it, but these people are balls-to-the-wall "Let's get drunk and smoke some pot and get silly stupid" kind of people. I'm personally not a fan of the group. He's not going to know a lot of people there either. We went there for the first time for a 4th of July party he had and I just felt so uncomfortable once it got to be later and everyone was acting like they were teenagers rather than 30 and 40 somethings. I KNOW he will not just drink Gatorade too as he says. These people will coerce him to do shots and bring him drinks and he will drink them...just like the 4th of July. He got sloppy drunk and then got upset with me because it was 1AM and I was tired and wanted to go home and he wanted to stay and play beer pong! When he gets in that state I kind of disappear to him and he's just focused on having a good time and gets mad that I'm not having a good time.

[Got it]

So don't go then. You issue seems to be more these people than his stage of recovery so don't drive him.

 

Why don't you talk to him about it. We can all give our opinion but at the end of the day it is between you two and what you two decide to do. Whether or not we think he should or shouldn't won't really impact it.

 

You could always call his doctor and have his doctor talk to him.

[MidwestUSA]

Wow, your husband sure is accident prone.

 

Wasn't he on leave from his last job when he had one earlier this year? And didn't he just start a new job? And is now out of commission?

 

Might want to give some thought as to why he is so reckless. Perhaps his choice of friends has something to do with it?

[ShatteredLady]

PLEASE, Please remember that narcotics & alcohol are respiratory suppressants. Many die in their sleep by mixing the two!!! Morphine & Oxycodone are VERY strong. This is SERIOUS & could be FATAL.

 

Men can take these things lightly particularly if he's been getting cabin fever!

 

Be very careful.

 

Quote - "These people will coerce him to do shots and bring him drinks and he will drink them..." AND HE WILL DIE!!

Edited October 15, 2015 by ShatteredLady

[futureglory263]

sorry to hear about your husband's accident. i'm glad that he's doing a lot better =)

at this point, i agree with you that he should stay home next weekend..it sounds like rest is what he needs to continue his road to recovery. however, he seems adamant about going, so perhaps you can try and compromise? understandably, he probably has some degree of cabin fever and would like to get out of the house.

perhaps that you can agree to compromise on certain issues (we'll leave after 1 or 2 hours, or no alcohol- especially if he needs to take his pain meds that day, or you can both agree not to buy or wear costumes since you will be staying only briefly). it seems like last time he got carried away because he was drinking excessively. if he stays sober, it sounds like he might be more understanding and willing to leave earlier.

he definitely should not be mixing narcotics with alcohol..as a previous poster has mentioned, this mixture can cause severe respiratory/central nervous system depression.

as you have mentioned, it will be 10 days, and he will probably feel better. and again, while i totally agree with you, i also think that a compromise would ultimately work best. stay safe!

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't think your husband should go to this party regardless of his physical condition.....but having said that

 

You cannot make the decision for him...but you can sure tell him what you think.

 

You should drive him there...no question about that....and he should not drink if he is taking medication...period.

 

If he is hurting....he will not be swinging from the chandeliers....and even if he does...he most likely is healed enough it wont cause further damage. The party will be 6 weeks out from his accident.....most bones are pretty well healed in 6 weeks. I definitely would ask the doctor.

 

Your husband is doing things around the house so he is not bed ridden. Fatigue may be caused by the meds...not the injuries themselves.

 

And quite honestly...i would hope after 2 hours he is ready to go home....

[Mapper71]

Wow, your husband sure is accident prone.

 

Wasn't he on leave from his last job when he had one earlier this year? And didn't he just start a new job? And is now out of commission?

 

Might want to give some thought as to why he is so reckless. Perhaps his choice of friends has something to do with it?

 

Yup, never had an accident before and then had 2 requiring hospitalization within 4 months of each other.

[Mapper71]

I don't think your husband should go to this party regardless of his physical condition.....but having said that

 

You cannot make the decision for him...but you can sure tell him what you think.

 

You should drive him there...no question about that....and he should not drink if he is taking medication...period.

 

If he is hurting....he will not be swinging from the chandeliers....and even if he does...he most likely is healed enough it wont cause further damage. The party will be 6 weeks out from his accident.....most bones are pretty well healed in 6 weeks. I definitely would ask the doctor.

 

Your husband is doing things around the house so he is not bed ridden. Fatigue may be caused by the meds...not the injuries themselves.

 

And quite honestly...i would hope after 2 hours he is ready to go home....

 

It's not so much the bones as it is his lung. He doesn't have the stamina to do much because it's hard for him to take deep breaths, which is why it's not going ot be much fun for him while everyone is running around being idiots and he has to sit on the couch because he gets worn out easily.

[Mapper71]

I look at the opportunities H has had to hang out with people in the past few weeks and he turns them down. The day after he got out of the hospital he was gung ho that the following weekend we were going to go visit this one guy who he became fast friends with a few weeks prior and I had never met. He lives on an island which meant either a ferry ride and drive, which would be an hour, or a 2 hour long drive around the island. I knew that wasn't going to happen a week after getting out of the hospital and it didn't. Then 2 weeks later the guy texted him saying he was in the area and wanted to stop by. Well H had been doing stuff that morning and was tired and told him he wasn't up for visitors. Then last weekend the guy texted him and asked how he was feeling. H responded with "I'm still pretty sore and not up for travelling but maybe you guys could come by for a visit next weekend. No response from the guy. So basically telling the guy that this coming weekend he isn't going to be up for travelling but next weekend he's going to feel like attending a Halloween party an hour away??? Then another guy had said a few weeks ago when he stopped by that he wanted to take H out for a beer one afternoon. H was all amped for it and the guy never called. H texted him last week "When are we having that beer?" and the guy said "How about Thursday?" H responded that was good. Well he had forgotten about it and didn't have his phone on him all day because he was sitting on the couch doing nothing so totally missed the guy's call. He apologized and the guy said how about next Tuesday and H said that was fine. Yet they never went out. And this buddy of his with the free Bowflex has been on H about when he's going to come and pick it up. H told him we'd either do it last Sat or Sun. Well we never went and H told the guy he was feeling pretty bad. No he wasn't, he was just sitting in front of the tv and didn't want to leave the house! The guy said he'd even deliver it for him and H never responded.

 

So with all these opportunities that he keeps passing up I find it really hard to believe that he WANTS to get out of the house! If he's telling a guy he's too sore to travel then what makes him think he's up for a Halloween party an hour away?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well maybe you should ask him what you just asked us......only he can give you the correct answer. We would all be speculating.

[Mapper71]

Well maybe you should ask him what you just asked us......only he can give you the correct answer. We would all be speculating.

 

He's kind of known for that though. Gets all excited about doing something, gets tickets months ahead of time and then the day comes and he doesn't want to go for some reason. No different when talking about how we should go and do such and such sometime and then when the day comes he shows no interest in doing it whatsoever.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Well, he's an adult. You can warn him about the dangers of mixing his painkillers with alcohol, but as a grown man only he can make that decision to drink or not. I'm sure his doctor has warned him, but if he doesn't seem to have taken it on board ask him to read some material online about overdose risks before going. Then whatever he chooses to do, he's in full knowledge of the risk.

 

Sounds like you guys have problems beyond this one party, you don't like his friends, and you don't feel that he's able to stop drinking when you're out, respect you and leave as a couple when you're ready, instead he gets blind drunk. Only you can make the choice about driving him there or not, as it seems he probably won't be able to go if you don't.

 

It's weird, everyone has different boundaries about what's normal and not with alcohol. My brother got BLIND drunk at his wedding reception, put himself and his groom party in the chocolate fountain, vomited all over the honeymoon suite and then passed out wasted. His bride barely saw him most of the night. I thought that was normal and people do get hammered at their reception but my Dad said no, it's not normal, the evening is meant to be about celebrating the wedding with your new wife, showing her family she made a good decision in marrying you, and that he had embarrassed her and himself. I'm not really a drinker but it is interesting different perspectives.

[Mapper71]

Well, he's an adult. You can warn him about the dangers of mixing his painkillers with alcohol, but as a grown man only he can make that decision to drink or not. I'm sure his doctor has warned him, but if he doesn't seem to have taken it on board ask him to read some material online about overdose risks before going. Then whatever he chooses to do, he's in full knowledge of the risk.

 

Sounds like you guys have problems beyond this one party, you don't like his friends, and you don't feel that he's able to stop drinking when you're out, respect you and leave as a couple when you're ready, instead he gets blind drunk. Only you can make the choice about driving him there or not, as it seems he probably won't be able to go if you don't.

 

It's weird, everyone has different boundaries about what's normal and not with alcohol. My brother got BLIND drunk at his wedding reception, put himself and his groom party in the chocolate fountain, vomited all over the honeymoon suite and then passed out wasted. His bride barely saw him most of the night. I thought that was normal and people do get hammered at their reception but my Dad said no, it's not normal, the evening is meant to be about celebrating the wedding with your new wife, showing her family she made a good decision in marrying you, and that he had embarrassed her and himself. I'm not really a drinker but it is interesting different perspectives.

 

Well these people aren't really his "friends" per se, they are more acquaintances who he never hangs out with except when there's a Facebook invite to a bunch of people for a party. In all honesty, he may know 4 or 5 people going to this party and the rest he has no idea. In fact, neither of us really have true friends around here. We have people we see every once in a while but nobody we ever call to hang out with.

 

And I don't think he would drink if we go. He may have a beer or two but would stop after that simply because he'd get too tired.

[acrosstheuniverse]

And I don't think he would drink if we go. He may have a beer or two but would stop after that simply because he'd get too tired.

 

But you just said...

 

I KNOW he will not just drink Gatorade too as he says. These people will coerce him to do shots and bring him drinks and he will drink them...just like the 4th of July. He got sloppy drunk and then got upset with me because it was 1AM and I was tired and wanted to go home and he wanted to stay and play beer pong!

 

So which is it? If you're confident he will control his drinking to a beer or two then it's all good isn't it? Go, have some fun, go home again. Put his need to go see people and get out of the house and have fun above your desire not to go on this occasion, he's the one who's been through the wars after all. He might not even feel like it nearer the time.

[Mapper71]

But you just said...

 

 

 

So which is it? If you're confident he will control his drinking to a beer or two then it's all good isn't it? Go, have some fun, go home again. Put his need to go see people and get out of the house and have fun above your desire not to go on this occasion, he's the one who's been through the wars after all. He might not even feel like it nearer the time.

 

I mean if he is still on his pain meds he won't drink alcohol (maybe a beer or two) but if he is off his pain meds then I can see him drinking quite a bit more even though I know he won't be able to handle it because he hasn't drank in a while and he'll be worn out on top of it.

[Maddieandtae]

Will he be going back to work soon? He should focus on recovering so that he can get back to work and than be able to interact with people again!

[donnabella8]

I mean if he is still on his pain meds he won't drink alcohol (maybe a beer or two) but if he is off his pain meds then I can see him drinking quite a bit more even though I know he won't be able to handle it because he hasn't drank in a while and he'll be worn out on top of it.

 

Since when is beer NOT alcohol?

[Lois_Griffin]

Will he be going back to work soon? He should focus on recovering so that he can get back to work and than be able to interact with people again!

From the OP's past posts, work isn't really a priority for this guy. Nor is being a responsible adult (obviously). He left a well paying job with NOTHING ELSE lined up job-wise, and the OP had to FIND a job offering for him to which he applied - then blew off when they showed interest. You know, because what they were offering wasn't exciting enough for him. Besides, he was sure his old company probably wanted him back as a painter - but they weren't interested. So, after being unemployed for a few months, he suddenly realized - he needs a job! Seeing that a bunch of prospective employers were NOT lining up at his door offering him a 6-figure salary as the COO of a huge corporation, he decided to eat crow and sent a bunch of pizzas to the prospective employer he'd blown off because their job offering wasn't 'exciting' enough - and he asked them when they wanted him to start?

 

Well here's a big surprise - they don't. I don't even think they thanked him for the pizzas.

 

Honestly OP, it has to suck being married to a man-child who still hasn't decided what he wants to be when he grows up. It's even more hopeless when you have to police how much he drinks because he lacks the necessary emotional maturity to know when enough is enough.

 

Methinks his new profession is getting into accidents and applying for Disability. The unfortunate downside to that 'career path' is that he can't party like a frat boy anymore.

 

OP, you don't have a marriage with this guy. You have a mother/son relationship with him. When you have to job hunt FOR him and have to ask a bunch of strangers if he should be going to a party where he'll act like an irresponsible dumbass 17 year old kid who doesn't know any better, you've got some serious issues you need to deal with.

 

So what are you going to do - 'allow' him to go to this party and then sit there and police each drink he takes, like his mother might do? Is that your plan? Smh.

[Mapper71]

Since when is beer NOT alcohol?

 

I didn't say it wasn't! I said that if he's on his pain meds he'll probably have one or two, which is tolerable, but if he's off them he'll have quite a bit more and get carried away.

[Mapper71]

From the OP's past posts, work isn't really a priority for this guy. Nor is being a responsible adult (obviously). He left a well paying job with NOTHING ELSE lined up job-wise, and the OP had to FIND a job offering for him to which he applied - then blew off when they showed interest. You know, because what they were offering wasn't exciting enough for him. Besides, he was sure his old company probably wanted him back as a painter - but they weren't interested. So, after being unemployed for a few months, he suddenly realized - he needs a job! Seeing that a bunch of prospective employers were NOT lining up at his door offering him a 6-figure salary as the COO of a huge corporation, he decided to eat crow and sent a bunch of pizzas to the prospective employer he'd blown off because their job offering wasn't 'exciting' enough - and he asked them when they wanted him to start?

 

Well here's a big surprise - they don't. I don't even think they thanked him for the pizzas.

 

Ummm...sorry to break it to you, but did you read my posts shortly there after saying that the guy got back to him and apologized for not getting back to him sooner and wanted to hire him right away?? He was hired on over a month ago. Guess you missed that!

[Mapper71]

 

So what are you going to do - 'allow' him to go to this party and then sit there and police each drink he takes, like his mother might do? Is that your plan? Smh.

 

I really don't give a crap if he drinks. He shouldn't if he's on painkillers, but it's his body and his life. At this point Cest le vie!