Making Sense of it All

[UnderWater77]

This is going to be a long read, but I need to vent and need advice.

 

After 13 years of what I would consider good, but bumpy marriage, my wife decided she wanted out. I returned from a business trip around a week and a half ago, and she had a letter for me and it was settled. She would not listen to anything else. I was completely floored. Her complaints, and rightly so, are that i have been vacant for so long; checked out for her and for our son. She claims it has always been this way, which really hurts because I have such fond memories of our relationship.

 

Fortunately (or unfortunately) we had a cruise scheduled, and it left the following morning. We decided that, in the best interest of our 7 year old son, we would keep it together, go on the cruise, and break the news to him there so he can have a week to process it without having to worry about school and normal routine. It was hard, the week was hard, she gave me the cold shoulder most of the week, acknowledging me, but barely. She would only talk to me about arrangements after the divorce.

 

When we returned home, we dropped my son off to stay at her sisters, and we returned home where she wanted me to pack my things and leave. I tried to reason with her again, but it just made things worse so i obliged. I spent Saturday afternoon and night in a fog at my friends apartment. Sunday I woke up and got a call from her that she wants us to sell the house (originally she wanted to try and keep it). We talked about that briefly, and what that meant. I spent Sunday looking at apartments with my friend, and basically just feeling panicked. I tried one more time via text to get her to listen to reason and reconsider. She got angry and started to shut me off, so i told myself that's it. I started reconciling that it wasn't going to work, and the only thing that mattered was my relationship with my son. I told her the arrangements I thought were fair, she disagreed with some of them, but overall was ok. I told her that I would keep it business from here on out. We agreed to do it as amicably as possible.

 

Later that evening I got a call from her, and she was crying. She said she had thought about it more, and didn't want to ruin our sons life. She said if I was still willing to go to counseling with her and myself, she would be willing to try and make it work. She restated that she is really hurt by me, etc. That was that, she asked me to come home that night and I did. We lay in bed and talked, laughed (a little), and it felt good. We talked about getting back to some semblance of normal and going out to dinner Monday with our mutual friend (the one I was going to move in with).

 

Monday she woke around 5am and then was out of the house before I was even ready for work. She went to meet her mom and our son for breakfast somewhere. She wasn't necessarily cold, but definitely seemed colder than where we left it Sunday night. I went to work, ordered her flowers to be delivered. Got a counseling appointment setup for myself and some referrals for marital counseling. I went and bought some marriage books on my way to counseling. After counseling I picked her and my son up and we headed to dinner. She was pretty shut off from me, and at dinner, basically all she did was talk to my friend. I was basically just there.

 

That night we came home and I tried to engage her again, asking her if everything was OK. She got immediately defensive and told me that "this will not just be fixed because I want it to be, she meant what she said, and this may never be fixed" "It will take time!" I said I understood that, I was simply concerned about her, but she can take all the time she needs. After that she started to lighten up. We started talking about ourselves, our issues, things we could do better, etc. I apologized for some specific things. We brought up our sex life and both agreed that it hadn't been great for a while. It basically ended with me telling her she needs to get some sleep to feel better. I offered to give her a massage if she wanted, to help ease some tension and help her sleep, she agreed. I didn't make it sexual or anything...shirt on, just rubbing her back for about 10 minutes. Ended in a 5 to 10 minute embrace. She asked me then to close the door and she wanted sex...I Was a little thrown off, but totally willing. As things got started she told me that we need to make a pact that no matter what, for the next 30 days we have sex every day. That was awesome to hear, but a little strange considering the situation. I thought maybe she was finally giving in and letting me back in.

 

The next morning we woke up and she was completely ice cold again to me. I had to work from home that day, and she would barely speak to me the majority of the day. I offered to pick my son up from school, so went to do that. He got home and she was outside on the phone. I got him his snack, helped him with homework, etc. She came in and sat a minute and talked, mostly to him. He and I decided to go outside and throw a football, she was working (she works from home daily).

 

We went out side for a while, and he was having fun. He wanted to show his mom how good he was doing. We came inside and she was back to super happy again. It felt like family, like things really were better. We agreed to go to dinner at our local place here and the whole evening was great.

 

Got home, put him to bed, etc. She continued to work until later. When she got off, I asked her if she would like to talk more, or just relax a bit tonight and let it go. We talked briefly, but agreed to let it go. She did say, as we were talking, that it had been a long time since she has loved me like that, and i have to understand, it is going to take time, if it happens at all, for her to feel comfortable around me again. Ouch...that really hurts, and I told her, but I get it.

 

We watched a bit of baseball together, and she wanted to go for our massage session again. Love making ensued. We cuddled for around 45 minutes afterward just watching TV and me stroking her hair and forehead. We then went to sleep.

 

Today...back to ice cold again. We had a counseling appointment today, she admitted in counseling that she wasn't even sure she was committed to working this out. Once again...hurts.

 

She barely spoke to me today. My friend jay called but wanted to talk to her about some hobbies we are all doing outside of work. she took the phone outside and spent an hour on the phone with him. I am trying not to feel insecure about it, but its hard. She barely talks to me, but seems to love to talk to everyone else.

 

I don't know what this means. Are my attempts to make this work futile? She told me that she wouldn't have me here if she didn't want to try. I believe that. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to pressure her, i just want to know that she is committed to making this work. She cant tell me that. She said that I need to be patient, this isnt on my time schedule...

 

Meanwhile I Feel like im drowning. I want nothing more than to fix this and make it go away. I dont want to lose my family. I miss my partner too.

 

Help!

[purplesorrow]

Has she ever said anything to you about being unhappy before? Is this an ongoing issue? Lastly, why does she need privacy to talk to your friend? That part is off to me. Can you check phone records to see how often they talk?

[UnderWater77]

She has mentioned being up happy before, but I always attributed it to the box of the argument we were in, in the moment. I never really understood that it was an ongoing thing for her.

 

She tells me I have been checked out. I agree. I have been over the past 6 to 12 months. I don't like it either, and I'm working on that. She has made it seem like I have always been that way. I have always been grumpy or in a bad mood and sap her happiness away.

 

That sucks. I don't want to be that guy. I am determined to fix that, not just for her, but for myself. If we do end up divorced after all of this, I dont want to be that guy for anyone, much less someone I love and adore, and I do love and adore her, i just haven't shown her in a while.

 

About the friend. She has never been that type of girl. I have a real hard time believing she would cheat on me. I have asked her straight up through all of this, if there was anyone else, and she denies it pretty convincingly. I trust her, and believe her. I also trust my friend and have no reason to think he would ever do anything like this. He has always been more of an extension of our family than anything else. I think she go's outside to talk to him simply because they are likely talking about me in that conversation as well. He told me that they have had talks about this mess, and he is trying to nudge her back toward me. While my insecurities tell me that I should be jealous and suspect infidelity, im trying to keep that at bay, because it isn't realistic, I don't think.

[purplesorrow]

She has mentioned being up happy before, but I always attributed it to the box of the argument we were in, in the moment. I never really understood that it was an ongoing thing for her.

 

She tells me I have been checked out. I agree. I have been over the past 6 to 12 months. I don't like it either, and I'm working on that. She has made it seem like I have always been that way. I have always been grumpy or in a bad mood and sap her happiness away.

 

That sucks. I don't want to be that guy. I am determined to fix that, not just for her, but for myself. If we do end up divorced after all of this, I dont want to be that guy for anyone, much less someone I love and adore, and I do love and adore her, i just haven't shown her in a while.

 

About the friend. She has never been that type of girl. I have a real hard time believing she would cheat on me. I have asked her straight up through all of this, if there was anyone else, and she denies it pretty convincingly. I trust her, and believe her. I also trust my friend and have no reason to think he would ever do anything like this. He has always been more of an extension of our family than anything else. I think she go's outside to talk to him simply because they are likely talking about me in that conversation as well. He told me that they have had talks about this mess, and he is trying to nudge her back toward me. While my insecurities tell me that I should be jealous and suspect infidelity, im trying to keep that at bay, because it isn't realistic, I don't think.

 

Maybe it isn't your insecurities, maybe it is your inner voice. Sadly, it is realistic. Anything is possible. Normally I wouldn't suggest it but your story has red flags that I ignored. One is the sudden cold behavior and secondly the privacy thing. She shouldn't be talking about you to your friend. Why have you been checked out?

[UnderWater77]

I'm not sure why. I guess part depression, part life, part my father's traits.

 

I need to change it though.

[purplesorrow]

I'm not sure why. I guess part depression, part life, part my father's traits.

 

I need to change it though.

 

All you can do at this point is work on you. Go see the dr if you feel you're depressed. Work out and do things that you enjoy. Sorry you're going through this.

[Mr. Lucky]

Since she seems detached from you outside the bedroom, what does she say she's trying to accomplish with the daily sex appointment?

 

Mr. Lucky

[UnderWater77]

Since she seems detached from you outside the bedroom, what does she say she's trying to accomplish with the daily sex appointment?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She doesn't say, and I guess I'm affraid to ask. I crave the closeness at this point. We had discussed earlier that first night that we let our sex life slide, and It needed to improve. That night is when she instigated sex and made the pact for once a day. Before It was a lack of communication thing. We both felt like the other one wasn't into it.

[Popsicle]

You admit to being checked out and grumpy. Why were you checked out?

[Mr. Lucky]

She doesn't say, and I guess I'm affraid to ask. I crave the closeness at this point. We had discussed earlier that first night that we let our sex life slide, and It needed to improve. That night is when she instigated sex and made the pact for once a day. Before It was a lack of communication thing. We both felt like the other one wasn't into it.

 

Feels like you're treating the marital equivalent of a brain tumor with aspirin - might mask some of the symptoms but doesn't address the disease.

 

How long before you start MC?

 

Mr. Lucky

[UnderWater77]

Feels like you're treating the marital equivalent of a brain tumor with aspirin - might mask some of the symptoms but doesn't address the disease.

 

How long before you start MC?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I started individual counseling on Monday. We had our first MC session yesterday. She has her first individual session today.

 

I don't know what to make of it all. After a couple of good days, it feels like everything has regressed. She hardly acknowledges me, she does, but it's very superficial. She won't engage ubless I push. I don't want to be overly pushy, so it's like a balancing act. I'm not sure what to think. I want to believe there is hope.

[UnderWater77]

Her moodiness isn't fair to you.

 

 

Stop being so nice when she's being such a jerk to you.

 

She either goes all in everyday or it ends.

 

 

Why are you allowing her moods to determine your future?

 

 

Start checking - she may be cheating. Her indecisiveness may be due to what her OM may or may not be saying.

 

 

Either way - stop allowing her to yank your chain.

 

 

 

I guess I feel like I deserve it for making her so unhappy for so long. I feel like this is probably how she felt when I didn't engage with her or make her feel special or wanted.

 

 

I don't know how much more of it I can take though, I'm literally sick at work today from the roller coaster. I'm trying so hard to keep a positive attitude and just ignore it and keep on being nice and work through it. It is really really hard. I don't know what else to do.

 

 

I actually came to the office today, I felt like it may be better to have that separation for the day so Im not constantly obsessing about it.

[salparadise]

I guess I feel like I deserve it for making her so unhappy for so long. I feel like this is probably how she felt when I didn't engage with her or make her feel special or wanted.

 

 

I realize we're only hearing one side of the story here, but something I've seen in several posts are references to you being responsible for her happiness/unhappiness. When did you sign the contract that made it your responsibility rather than hers?

 

She really has you on the ropes, and I think you need to fix that aspect asap. Probably best to address it in couples counseling, although you still need to be dancing around the ring when you're not in front of the counselor...

 

This crap about you being on your best behavior and taking as much disrespect as she can dish out while she dictates terms and threatens to leave is just not acceptable. If she's not willing to treat you with the same respect as she expects you to treat her, and for the two of you to be equal partners in the reconciliation then, well... those should be your terms.

 

I am also questioning why this came about so suddenly. I know that you think she's not the kind to cheat, but pretty much every man thinks that until he see the evidence or a change in behavior tips him off that something's up. There is no point in speculating here, but I think you should not close your mind to that possibility.

 

Another thing... her saying it's over with no further discussion, no emotion, then suddenly she calls you up crying and wanting to reconcile... and then the agreement to have sex every day. Most women would refuse sex under those circumstances, not insist on it. And her being cold as ice during the day and wanting sex at night is weird too.

 

I think you should be checking to see if there is a data/paper trail of suspicious activity before you say it isn't possible. It most certainly is possible, and her behavior is to say the least, unusual.

[oldshirt]

even if she is not having sex with your friend, it is inappropriate for her to be discussing your relationship issues with him.

 

 

The only people she should discuss anything relationship-oriented with at all is you, the counselor(s) and one close, trusted female relative such as her mother or sister or something.

 

 

As a condition of reconciliation you need to put the kabbosh on her discussing personal issues with both her and him.

 

 

Even if she hasn't had sex with him yet, this is exactly how affairs with "friends" develop and they happen All. The. Time.

 

 

Get the book "Not Just Friends" if you don't believe me.

 

 

Meet with your friend in person, look him straight in the eye and with as serious tone in your voice and look on your face tell him in no uncertain terms to stop seeing and/or talking to your wife privately and to not discuss personal topics with her.

 

 

 

 

Do not accusing him of trying to bang her if you have no evidence of that, but make clear that discussions of your relationship are to between you, her and your counselor and no other parties.

 

 

Then have that discussion with her.

 

 

Then start checking her phone records, emails, facebook etc etc and see if there is any evidence of this going beyond phone chats.

 

 

This is a huuuuuge red flag!!

 

 

If there has been no physical contact between them yet, there will be if this is allowed to continue.

 

 

And even if it doesn't, this is still highly inappropriate and deleterious to the reconciliation process. Put a stop to that this very moment.

[oldshirt]

the daily sex exercise is sometimes recommended by MC's for couples that are fundamentally healthy and committed to the marriage but have lost some of their closeness and connection due to bills, chasing kids, hectic work schedules etc etc For that it is a valid therapy.

 

 

However I am concerned that one day out of the blue she wants a divorce and then suddenly has taken it upon herself for daily sex with a man she had just asked to move out and put the house on the market.

 

 

Serious question - has she been surgically sterilized???????

 

 

 

 

If not there is a very realistic possibility that she has had unprotected sex with another man and is trying to cover her tracks in case she is pregnant by the OM.

 

 

This is a well documented tactic in WWs who are or think they may be pregnant by the other man.

 

 

This scenario also answers a few other questions.

 

 

If she has become sexually active with OM that would explain her seemingly out of the blue wish to separate and having her mind made up without discussion or attempt at working things out.

 

 

If she discovered or suspected she might be pregnant, she likely went to the OM to see if he was serious about a relationship with her and would take her and the baby on full time.

 

 

If he appeared to balk at that idea, that would explain her sudden turnaround in wanting to reconcile and seek MC.

 

 

It would also explain the sudden idea of daily sex. This is to cover her tracks and make everyone think that the paternity of the child is her husband's.

 

 

This is all highly suspect. My advice is seek legal counsel IMMEDIATLY and be proactive and start working on a plan in case she is knee deep in an affair and could possibly be pregnant with another man's offspring.

 

 

If she turns up pregnant, an immediate injunction determining biological paternity would be in order.

[oldshirt]

Here is some serious suggestions for immediate action -

 

 

- get an attorney ASAP and start circling your wagons in case this turns into a legal issue of biblical proportions. You don't have to actually file for divorce yet but at least start working on getting your legal and financial affairs in order in case this takes a really ugly turn in the very near future.

 

 

- Put the kabbosh on your wife and friends extracurricular discussions. Do not even mention the cheating angle until you have strong evidence of that.

 

 

- start making an honest effort into investigating the possibility of another man. look through phone records, txt records, emails, facebook etc etc. Get a few voice activated recorders and place in her car and any other area where she may be having private conversations. Put a GPS tracker in her car. The stakes are high enough here and the probable cause is high enough to even warrant hiring a PI to really dig into it.

 

 

- Do this in secret!! do not tip your hand and show your cards until you have solid evidence. If you tip them off to your suspicion, they will cover their tracks, come up with cover stories and go deeper underground where it will be harder to discover.

 

 

- Continue with the MC and keep seeing your IC. If your IC is a completely different IC than who she is using, you can discuss these concerns with him/her as your individual counselor is obligated to advocate for you and not disclose any information to her.

 

 

Do all of this immediately. Everything else hinges on if there is evidence of an affair and if she is pregnant or not.

 

 

If those things can be completely ruled out, then you can start addressing the marital issues and work in earnest on reconciliation.

[oldshirt]

 

 

Do all of this immediately. Everything else hinges on if there is evidence of an affair and if she is pregnant or not.

 

 

If those things can be completely ruled out, then you can start addressing the marital issues and work in earnest on reconciliation.

 

 

 

You must keep this in mind. The first step here is to protect yourself legally and financially in the event she is pregnant with another man's child. You must start working on that immediately. Think of that like an insurance policy to protect what you have.

 

 

Then you must determine if there is another man or not. If she is under the influence of another man, then all the MC and all the therapy and all the king's horses and all the king's men will not have an effect.

 

 

An affair must be discovered and broken before a couple can truly reconcile.

 

 

There are a lot of strange, unanswered questions about your wife's conduct and behavior lately.

 

 

An affair with an actual or a suspected pregnancy answers them all.

you must not keep your head in the sand any longer.

[UnderWater77]

There is no chance I could make her pregnant, so if that's the case, that's on her, and good luck to her with that.

 

 

I decided to kind of calm down this morning and I wrote her a long email about giving her some space, working on easing the tension in the house, making our son feel comfortable again, and letting her deal with things in her own way. I told her, I wasn't giving up on our "pact" but I would kind of slowing down and focusing on 1 or 2 things at a time to get things back in order.

 

 

Her response was "we are in two drastically different places right now. About the "pact" while great on the surface, I think its unrealistic to expect that right now given the circumstances...You need to do what is right for you, and I will do the same."

 

 

so...wtf is going on here.

 

 

Why go through the trouble of calling me back to the house to reconcile, and then do this. What nightmare have I been spawned into here. This is absolute insanity.

[Be_Strong]

It's not insanity. It's actually pretty simple really. Your wife is struggling with choosing between two unpleasant options. Assuming there's no affair (and I agree with others that said its a possibility), your wife is stuck having to pick whether to stay in a miserable marriage where she does not love her husband, or to get divorced and split up her family. Divorce is a scary thing with lots of drawbacks. Probably most pressing to your wife is your son's well-being and not wanting him to be harmed by the divorce. But she's also concerned I'm sure with financial issues, her reputation, not being able to see your son as much (because of shared custody), loneliness, fears of whether she'll find another suitable partner, etc.

 

On the other hand, she's convinced herself that she absolutely cannot stay married to you either and that the marriage is a lost cause. So, faced with two equally horrible choices, she naturally is going to sway back and forth between the two. As she starts to go down one path, the negatives associated with that path come into clear view, and so she'll snap back towards the opposite path. This limbo is natural, but very unhealthy.

 

You should really be thinking about doing the 180 unless and until your wife makes a 100% decision and effort to stay in the marriage and reconcile. Your efforts to "win her back" are having the exact opposite effect on her. Think about how your feelings for your wife changed once she said she wanted to divorce and you thought you were going to lose her. Up to that point you were checked out and paid her no attention. It's scarcity that gives an object value. When we think we are going to lose a person, that's when we want the person the most. When you throw yourself at your wife and allow her to disrespect you, you're only diminishing your value in her eyes and decreasing her attraction towards you.

 

She also will be very skeptical of your improved efforts to be a better husband. She'll believe that these actions are only temporary, and as soon as she decides not to get divorced you'll just settle back into the old routine again. There needs to be a balance in these reconciliation efforts between spouses. It can't just be one spouse 100% wanting to be married and begging the other spouse to stay, while the other spouse hems and haws about whether to stay married. That shifts the balance in the relationship completely to one partner. You're in full on desperation damage control mode, but after some time passes you'll be able to start seeing things clearer. When you get to the point where you are having serious thoughts about whether you should be married to your wife, you'll be in a better position to actually reconcile.

[oldshirt]

There is no chance I could make her pregnant, so if that's the case, that's on her, and good luck to her with that.

 

What nightmare have I been spawned into here. This is absolute insanity.

 

 

 

If she is pregnant or had a pregnancy scare, do not expect her to be acting in a sane, rational manner. She could be capable of all sorts of craziness.

 

 

We can shift gears a little bit here but don't rule anything completely out though. An affair still answers more questions than anything else at this point.

[Mr. Lucky]

You should really be thinking about doing the 180 unless and until your wife makes a 100% decision and effort to stay in the marriage and reconcile. Your efforts to "win her back" are having the exact opposite effect on her. Think about how your feelings for your wife changed once she said she wanted to divorce and you thought you were going to lose her. Up to that point you were checked out and paid her no attention. It's scarcity that gives an object value. When we think we are going to lose a person, that's when we want the person the most. When you throw yourself at your wife and allow her to disrespect you, you're only diminishing your value in her eyes and decreasing her attraction towards you.

 

She also will be very skeptical of your improved efforts to be a better husband. She'll believe that these actions are only temporary, and as soon as she decides not to get divorced you'll just settle back into the old routine again. There needs to be a balance in these reconciliation efforts between spouses. It can't just be one spouse 100% wanting to be married and begging the other spouse to stay, while the other spouse hems and haws about whether to stay married. That shifts the balance in the relationship completely to one partner. You're in full on desperation damage control mode, but after some time passes you'll be able to start seeing things clearer. When you get to the point where you are having serious thoughts about whether you should be married to your wife, you'll be in a better position to actually reconcile.

 

Agree with this well-written analysis of your situation. Right now you want to be married to her but, unless things change, you'll have to decide if you need to be married to her. It takes the non-cooperation of both partners to get the point you're at as a couple, don't pile all the blame on your shoulders. Similarly, it will take a concerted joint effort to get back to a healthy state, you can neither do that alone nor cajole her into participating.

 

Like you, she has some decisions to make. I'd guess the first several MC sessions will provide some clarity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

It's not insanity. It's actually pretty simple really. Your wife is struggling with choosing between two unpleasant options. Assuming there's no affair (and I agree with others that said its a possibility), your wife is stuck having to pick whether to stay in a miserable marriage where she does not love her husband, or to get divorced and split up her family. Divorce is a scary thing with lots of drawbacks. Probably most pressing to your wife is your son's well-being and not wanting him to be harmed by the divorce. But she's also concerned I'm sure with financial issues, her reputation, not being able to see your son as much (because of shared custody), loneliness, fears of whether she'll find another suitable partner, etc.

 

On the other hand, she's convinced herself that she absolutely cannot stay married to you either and that the marriage is a lost cause. So, faced with two equally horrible choices, she naturally is going to sway back and forth between the two. As she starts to go down one path, the negatives associated with that path come into clear view, and so she'll snap back towards the opposite path. This limbo is natural, but very unhealthy.

 

You should really be thinking about doing the 180 unless and until your wife makes a 100% decision and effort to stay in the marriage and reconcile. Your efforts to "win her back" are having the exact opposite effect on her. Think about how your feelings for your wife changed once she said she wanted to divorce and you thought you were going to lose her. Up to that point you were checked out and paid her no attention. It's scarcity that gives an object value. When we think we are going to lose a person, that's when we want the person the most. When you throw yourself at your wife and allow her to disrespect you, you're only diminishing your value in her eyes and decreasing her attraction towards you.

 

She also will be very skeptical of your improved efforts to be a better husband. She'll believe that these actions are only temporary, and as soon as she decides not to get divorced you'll just settle back into the old routine again. There needs to be a balance in these reconciliation efforts between spouses. It can't just be one spouse 100% wanting to be married and begging the other spouse to stay, while the other spouse hems and haws about whether to stay married. That shifts the balance in the relationship completely to one partner. You're in full on desperation damage control mode, but after some time passes you'll be able to start seeing things clearer. When you get to the point where you are having serious thoughts about whether you should be married to your wife, you'll be in a better position to actually reconcile.

 

 

 

I agree with pretty much all of this.

 

 

Remember, you have had a week and a half to process this and you are still pretty much still in the shock and disbelief stage.

 

 

You are in a stage where you think a boquet of flowers and a footrub are going to smooth things over and put out the fire.

 

 

However she has been stewing over this and plotting and planning this for probably literally years. You are behind the eight ball and are trying to play catch-up in a race that that started years ago that you didn't even know you were in.

 

 

I'm going to go back to what I said in my earlier post - first order of business here is assume she means business, assume she is going to be coming for your throat. lawyer up. Start working with an attorney to circle your wagons and protect your assets, your property, your resources and your relationship with you son.

 

 

There will be a little voice inside your head that tells you not to do anything divorce related because that might set her off. IGNORE THAT VOICE! protect yourself and be ready for any possible contingency.

 

 

She has the upper hand here and she is the one that holds all the cards and gets to choose what happens. You need to get caught up so that you can defend yourself and move forward with whatever angle she chooses to play.

 

 

Stop playing the "Pick Me! Dance". Start taking some control of your own future so you do not have to depend on her mercy or be subjected to her whims.

 

 

If your preference is to reconcile and stay together, state that clearly and work with the counselors and her in earnest. But be fully prepared to go to war and do battle if she chooses to D.

 

 

If you decide it ain't worth it and your best option is to pull the ejection handle, then take charge of that and do it on your terms and your schedules.

 

 

In both options, you need to lawyer up and be prepared to protect your interests.

 

 

It may seem counterintuitive but as Be Strong said, if you show any weakness she will lose respect and lose desire to remain with you and will feel free to walk on you at will. The stronger you are and more capable you are of going through a divorce and coming out on top, the less likely she is to go that route.

[UnderWater77]

Thank you for all of the advice by the way, I agree with the statement that she is stuck between two bad choices, in her eyes.

 

 

I have come to terms today with the fact that I cannot control what she does or when she does it. My intention is to focus on myself, my son, and my house. I will be available, should she want to talk, but I won't go out of my way to instigate it. My goal is to settle myself and my son down and get back to some sort of normal life. It isn't fair to him that this is happening, and he is probably the one most affected by it.

 

 

I really don't think there is any infidelity. She doesn't know anyone, she literally doesn't have any friends except mine. I spoke with my friend in detail today and let him know that I am concerned that even if it hasn't happened yet, and even if she isn't intending anything, that something may happen there, given time. He kind of was shocked, as I guess he never saw it that way. I told him I didn't want him to not be a friend to her, she needs friends, but please try and keep a guard up for that, because that would destroy not only my marriage, but one of my closest friendships ever.

Edited October 15, 2015 by UnderWater77

[UnderWater77]

Regarding getting a lawyer and all of that.

 

 

We said during the initial talk that we would not lawyer up. If this was going to happen, we had to keep the best interests of our son in mind, and we would work through a mediator to do this amicably.

 

 

I don't think that has changed, nor do I think it will.

[Be_Strong]

I would not consider a consultation with a lawyer to be "lawyering up." It is utterly foolish to go into a divorce completely blind. At the very least, one appointment with a local attorney will educate you on the basic laws in your jurisdiction regarding divorce, custody, alimony, and property distribution. Even if the persons getting divorced are 100% amicable, basic legal knowledge is a huge benefit.

 

Schedule a consultation appointment with the lawyer, advise him/her about your current situation and ask about what you should or shouldn't be doing to protect your interests. You can always choose to ignore any advice you receive, but at least you'll come out of that meeting with more knowledge than when you went into it.

 

Edited to add: And if you absolutely refuse to still see a lawyer, at a minimum research as much as you can on your own about the divorce laws of your jurisdiction. There's a lot of resources out on the Internet for people to read.

Edited October 15, 2015 by Be_Strong
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