oldshirt Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Regarding getting a lawyer and all of that. We said during the initial talk that we would not lawyer up. If this was going to happen, we had to keep the best interests of our son in mind, and we would work through a mediator to do this amicably. I don't think that has changed, nor do I think it will. Do you know how the court system determines child support and spousal support? Do you know how they determine the value of household items and personal items? Do you know how they determine who pays credit card balances and how it is determined who is responsible for year to date taxes on the house when it is sold? Do you know how conflicts regarding home and property values are settled if there is a disagreement on the value of the house and property? Do you know how child custody and childcare arrangements are determined? Do you know how custody disputes are settled if one party disagrees on how custody will be determined? Do you know how the court will determine suitability of custodial arrangements if one party tries to state the other parent is unsuitable for unsupervised custody? Do you know how retirement accounts and IRAs and any individually owned stocks or mutual funds will be divided? Do you know how it will be determined who maintains the health insurance on the child? Do you know how they will determine who gets what car and who will maintain payments and insurance and registration on which vehicles? Do you know if any inheritances or gifts received from one of your families will judged as marital property or personal property? Do you know how child custody will be determined if one of you remarries and wants to move out of state? If she is pregnant with OM's baby did you know that in many states since you are the legal husband, that you can be held liable for that child's care and upbringing? Do you know how to contest that ruling if you are in one of those areas? Do you know how to obtain a court mandated paternity test? Do you know what legal recourse you will have if she accuses you of child abuse and tries to bar access to your child? Do you know how your jurisdiction handles requests for permanent spousal support if your spouse has never worked outside the home or how it is determined if you will or will not need to provide spousal support for a period of time following the divorce. Would you like me to keep going or do you get my point? It's fine to try to go through a mediator as much as you can but all it takes is one disagreement on what to do with your Great Aunt Beulah's wedding ring and you need someone in your corner that has all those answers and knows what to do about it. Everyone talks a good game of niceties until it starts to get real and then the gloves come off. You are already 2 to 4 years behind her in divorce planning. you can't afford any more time with your head in the sand. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Everyone talks a good game of niceties until it starts to get real and then the gloves come off. I can tell you from experience this is true. My ex wife and I had agreed on an amicable divorce, mediator, best interests of our son, etc. We then had (what I thought was) one small disagreement over how to handle holidays with extended families, etc. That night, I then came home to a house devoid of furniture, furnishings and child including most of my own clothing and everything I'd brought into the marriage. I spent the next week on an extended scavenger hunt and found my wife had taken our son on a "vacation" to Hawaii with no firm return date. Hope for the best, plan for the worst... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Underwater77, you situation looks too familiar....I would suggest you read this thread as it may shed some light on whether your perception is reality or not. I don't want to influence you other than to be objective here. Something is definitely going on with your wife.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/548495-am-i-being-unreasonable Any chance she could be going through the change or do you really think she is just fed up? I agree with the previous posts, your being the nice guy is typically a turn off for many wives and GF's in this same situation. One doesn't need to be rude but stand up for yourself and don't take blame unless you "clearly" see that this is your fault. If she's not willing to work on this, you can't do 95% and her do 5%, that doesn't work. The other thing to consider, what kind of example are you setting for your son....just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnderWater77 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 Well, it is official, she is done. She had her first IC session yesterday evening. I left work early to come home and take care of our son and make dinner while she went. She left the house barely speaking to me, she came home happy and vibrant...I knew it was over. After we put our son to bed she told me. She wants us to stay in the house, but in separate rooms until the house is sold. We are working through things together, to try and avoid the cost of an attorney for now. I plan on at least going for a consultation with someone as soon as possible, but I would like to try and keep a litigated divorce out of this as long as we can. I think we can work through this together. I am simply lost. She puts 95% of the blame on me, and when I look back there were certainly issues that I could have been better with, but I can't see how I was majority blame. She said my general attitude over the course of the marriage is what drove her away. I was always unhappy, or grumpy. I struggled with weight, over 320lbs, for most of our marriage. That of course is enough to make anyone feel a general sense of depression and low self esteem. She was also heavy. We both went and had gastric bypass surgery earlier this year and we have both lost considerable weight. Ive lost close to 100lbs, and I believe she has too. We are both starting to feel more confident and alive. I guess for her, that means she is done with me. For me, I finally feel like I am back to myself again, now I lose my wife... Im not even sure where to go now, what to do...I just feel lost and empty. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 I struggled with weight, over 320lbs, for most of our marriage. That of course is enough to make anyone feel a general sense of depression and low self esteem. She was also heavy. We both went and had gastric bypass surgery earlier this year and we have both lost considerable weight. Ive lost close to 100lbs, and I believe she has too. We are both starting to feel more confident and alive. I guess for her, that means she is done with me. For me, I finally feel like I am back to myself again, now I lose my wife... Based on above, lots of things at work here besides normal marital problems. From Health Central: The simple fact remains that the divorce rate following bariatric surgery is high. However, if the person was overweight or obese when the relationship or marriage began, the chances of that relationship or marriage ending within two years after the surgery is 80 to 85 percent. Last but not least, promiscuity can be a problem for the spouse that underwent weight-loss surgery, especially if s/he was overweight when younger. Have the weight-loss issues been discussed in IC or MC? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Based on above, lots of things at work here besides normal marital problems. From Health Central: The simple fact remains that the divorce rate following bariatric surgery is high. However, if the person was overweight or obese when the relationship or marriage began, the chances of that relationship or marriage ending within two years after the surgery is 80 to 85 percent. Last but not least, promiscuity can be a problem for the spouse that underwent weight-loss surgery, especially if s/he was overweight when younger. Have the weight-loss issues been discussed in IC or MC? Mr. Lucky The bypass statement caught my eye as well. Divorce following gastric bypass surgery is quite common. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnderWater77 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 (edited) Just an update...the divorce is proceeding through. We have remained amicable, as much as possible, and managed to get everything split, the house sold in 2 days for full ask, cash offer...now we are just trying to move. This has all been a whirlwind for me. I have such a drastic range of emotions, its hard to even describe unless you have been through it before. She has went from being ice cold to me, and only talking to me when it related to something about the divorce, to last night I went over to meet someone that was buying our bedroom furniture and she had made me dinner and started talking to me about things. For a little while, she started sounding like, and even asked if we could hold off the divorce and go to counseling for a while, live apart and try and work through things...then the guy showed up to buy the bedroom stuff, I helped him out, she went outside and talked on the phone to her mother, came back in and was shut down again. She said I was trying to steamroll her into changing her mind, and that is what I always do. She was going through with this, and I couldn't stop it. I sent her some links this morning about the walk away wife thing, telling her that there is hope, she just has to want it. she told me to please respect her decision, and work on being friends with her and a father for my son. So that's that...She refuses to give in, even though I know if she said yes and dropped her walls, things would be better than they have ever been. It is really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that for so long, my world revolved around her. I loved her more than anything on earth. She was my only true friend. She apparently didn't see the things I did as loving, and that is just tragic. She mentioned last night that all I ever wanted to do was change her, I wasn't ever happy with who she was and what she did. That came out of left field for me. She took my attempts to help give her confidence to ask for promotions or seek more challenging or higher paying work as being unhappy with her. The ONLY reason I ever did that was because she was in a very dead end job, working from home alone all day, and she complained about it constantly. I tried hard to give her the confidence to believe in herself and go out and do something different. I encouraged her to go back to school if she wanted to. I looked for things for her in my company, almost landing her a great job here. And all of that she took as negative, when all I wanted to do was make her happy and comfortable...How frickin tragic is that... Im trying to let go, but good lord its so hard. I spent 1/3 of my life with her, I made a child with her, I lived my life for her, she gave me courage and strength to do things that I never would have done...how can I do that with anyone else ever...how can I just walk away from that? Edited October 27, 2015 by UnderWater77 Link to post Share on other sites
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