Otter2569 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 How do I tell my friend he has unrealistic expectations of getting a much younger woman? My friend and i went for drinks with some girls we met through work. It was purely a social thing. We are in 50+ (although we both look much younger) they are in their mid 20s & later 30's. He is unhappily married, has kids, a dog a house etc but for some reason thinks he has a chance with this young, pretty 27 y/o woman. Granted they got along well, laughed and had a lot in common. He is acting like a school boy and has planned another happy hour to which she said yes. I am single and he wants me to be his wingman. I cant believe this is actually happening. What should i say to this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 I'd opt out of being his wing man since you work in some manner with these ladies and he is married. I would tell him, Go for it, man, but I'm not getting involved, because you're married and I work with these women. Don't be further part of the drama. Tell him he's on his own and disavow all knowledge of his behavior from now on with the ladies at work. If they start talking about it, tell them you didn't expect him to pursue anyone since he's married and make the awkward face but let them know you are no longer part of it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
loverboy69 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 There is nothing you really can do. In fact I'd stay out of it if I were you. He's definitely in a sad place and is acting pitiful. I have a work colleague like that. He's in his early 40's. He has crooked/jagged teeth, big man tits and a big gut, awful hair, drives a car generally reserved for 18 year old girls yet he is uber confident. He likes young white women who unfortunately never like him back. He is undeterred however and thinks that one of them will eventually succumb to his spell. He's very arrogant with me too and sometimes we bump heads. Girls usually give him the creeped out look. I laugh inside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 (edited) I've known this guy for years. Hes nice looking and very friendly but not exactly a ladys man. When we check out women he is always going for the young super hotties. They are pretty I cant take that away but I prefer the more age appropriate women. Just a style / taste thing...plus it seems unrealistic to me. He is unhappily married and has been that way for years but will do nothing about it. I just find it odd how one social evening and hes all excited to date this women like he doesn't have a care in the world. Its silly to me but I dont want to burst his bubble. Its like a dog chasing a car....you wouldnt know what to do with it if you caught it! Edited October 16, 2015 by Otter2569 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 well... people will use all sort of ways to gain moments of happiness. To the rest of us, it's ridiculous, to him... it may be one great great evening in a very long time. The problem is he cannot be banking on these evenings forever and at some moment, they will get to his head and he will mistake that for reality. Weak people who hate facing reality and certainly don't have the guts to try to fix what it is that us mortals call... the real life. Otter... looks like your friend is about to **** up his life, because he is out of touch with reality and with what it is that he has to bring to the table. Best case scenario - his wife and children find out and he makes a fool of himself in front of them. Worst case scenario - they don't find out, he goes on, falls inlove, leaves his wife and family only to be ridiculed. Or falls inlove and is ridiculed by the young woman... who tries to get his $$$ Soooo many things can go wrong when a man is out of touch with reality. Soooo many things. And... sorry to say this, but if you encourage his behaviour (where as you correctly point out, he is losing control) or even if you accompany him in his activities... you are sort of responsible for the outcome, as well. And as he is totally out of contact with reality, it can only be... bad. Life doesn't do weak people any favors, mate. Either have "the talk" with him or simply step away. This type of story never ends well. You don't want to be around when that happens, that's for sure ! Man, that dude needs a reality check ! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Well some older men are good at attracting younger women and they are very successful at it. His age isn't really the issue here, the bigger problem is that he's married and has kids. If he truly likes this 27 yr old doesn't he think she deserves more than an illicit affair with some old married dude? Why does want to f@ck up her life by leading her down this road to nowhere? If he wants to chase young hotties then first of all he needs to divorce. Don't be his wingman. If he has an affair and gets caught and you are linked to it somehow, people will judge you to be the same as him. Does the 27yr old know that he's married? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Mate, loads of men live in "unhappy" marriages and choose the easy way out - living their life without putting any effort in those marriages - either by trying to fix them or by deciding to end them. Too much effort. Much easier to chase skirts around. Question: what do you want and are you willing to be associated with such a man - who also may be a great guy - shows no morals, ethics or verticality through his behavior? Women do judge, you know. Imagine your mate manages to talk to a bunch of chicks and one of them digs you. HE sleeps / gets together with the foxiest one who later finds out about his "baggage" and she tells all of her friends... well, if your potential future gf is amongst them, you can kiss her good bye, 'cause the only thing those girls are gonna be thinking is "whatta arse " and won't pay the time to differentiate between you and him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Don't be his wingman, as that only encourages and perhaps enables his cheating. Why would you want to be part of that? Anyway, unless he is unattractive, he may have a chance with a younger woman. There are plenty who simply like older men without having some psychological issue or gold-digging intentions. I've dated women as much as 27 years younger, one was a FWB for over 4 years. But, he is still married and any pursuit will be cheating if his wife wouldn't approve of it, so any of the young women interested in him aren't making smart choices. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 How do I tell my friend he has unrealistic expectations of getting a much younger woman? IMO you don't. It's not your job to make those calls for him, and why not just let him have his fun anyway? You don't have to be his wingman but you can leave your protest at that. (It's not like he's about to step off a cliff here like he's experimenting with crystal meth or sth lol. ) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 IMO you don't. It's not your job to make those calls for him, and why not just let him have his fun anyway? You don't have to be his wingman but you can leave your protest at that. (It's not like he's about to step off a cliff here like he's experimenting with crystal meth or sth lol. ) Well I think you only have to read the infidelity board and the OW/OM board to see that real people with real feelings get really hurt by affairs. You make it sound like screwing around is all a bunch of harmless fun but read a bit on the other boards to see the devastation caused to AP's and Betrayed spouses by cheaters. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Well I think you only have to read the infidelity board and the OW/OM board to see that real people with real feelings get really hurt by affairs. You make it sound like screwing around is all a bunch of harmless fun but read a bit on the other boards to see the devastation caused to AP's and Betrayed spouses by cheaters. I wasn't addressing the marriage thing, just the young women thing. But since you mention it, it's not really Otter's job to be his friend's marriage adviser either. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 Now hes trying to line up a happy hour with these women. He wants me to go and be his wingman but I have been non committal. 1) He is married 2) He is not going to get this young woman (its like a dog chasing a car) 3) I dont agree with what he is doing (you wont stand up to your wife or go to a strip club but youll go after a woman half your age?) 4) I am in a relationship. I would have to lie about where I am and what i am doing and that's not right. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 4) I am in a relationship. I would have to lie about where I am and what i am doing and that's not right. Asides from the whole married thing (which, ugh, what an ******* ) IMO even this reason alone is enough to say no. If he was just an older guy going after young women, I don't see any point in intervening as long as he's being respectful and not doing anything stupid, as they can just say no themselves. But married, and asking you to help him? No way. Enabling an affair is pretty darn unethical. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Maybe it's just a fantasy for him? A couple of nights out to see if he's "still got it?" Does me mention looking for a divorce? All I'm ever with since my divorce is much younger women. Even the ex wife was a decade younger. Sone of us are just drawn to super hot, young women. I get tons of them, so it's not impossible. But him being married is the real elephant in the room here. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Now hes trying to line up a happy hour with these women. He wants me to go and be his wingman but I have been non committal. 1) He is married 2) He is not going to get this young woman (its like a dog chasing a car) 3) I dont agree with what he is doing (you wont stand up to your wife or go to a strip club but youll go after a woman half your age?) 4) I am in a relationship. I would have to lie about where I am and what i am doing and that's not right. While I can understand your discomfort with the fact that he's married & hitting on other women (1& 3), I don't get why you are so adamant about his inability to succeed (2) or why you're so concerned about his marriage. (Honestly, it sounds to me as though there could be some underlying jealousy or projection on your part). As for #4, why would it be necessary to lie? Did you lie about having drinks with the girlS the first time? As others have said, if you don't want to be his wingman, don't. The choice is yours. He didn't, however, ask you your opinion or advice about his marriage so keep it to yourself. It's none of your business. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 While I can understand your discomfort with the fact that he's married & hitting on other women (1& 3), I don't get why you are so adamant about his inability to succeed (2) or why you're so concerned about his marriage. (Honestly, it sounds to me as though there could be some underlying jealousy or projection on your part). As for #4, why would it be necessary to lie? Did you lie about having drinks with the girlS the first time? As others have said, if you don't want to be his wingman, don't. The choice is yours. He didn't, however, ask you your opinion or advice about his marriage so keep it to yourself. It's none of your business. I second this. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that people will do what they want to do. You can express your concerns and fears and disapproval by spouting off morality but it won't make a lick of difference in 99% of cases. I'm going to agree that this sounds more like jealousy than anything else. As for the rest of it, mind your own business and that includes participating as his wingman. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 When older men insist on dating younger women, in order to get one, they have to go way down in woman quality. They may look good, and that's all the man cares about, but, especially in this case where the man is married, the woman has to have no morals to go out with him, plus in most cases, she is also going to take him for all he's worth financially, because most women that will go out with old guys have a sex worker mentality. These are not women you'd want to spend a lifetime with. They're women you'd want to basically pay to have sex with. And that's a little game they play with themselves to grasp their long-gone youth. In some cases, they're young women who are very confused and vulnerable, and that's the real tragedy. I know something about this subject because in my dad's old age, he deluded himself into thinking a handful of local meal ho's were genuinely interested in him and I'm the one who had to report the bank for letting them steal his checks, make them out to themselves, and cash them when it was clearly not his signature (this was in a very small town, so the bank had to know). This is the road your friend is going down. My dad fancied himself charming and handsome too, because by that time, he had brain degeneration from old age. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 Good points all. His marriage sucks and he has complained to me for years about it. He has done little or nothing to step up and try to change things at home. I think an affair would embolden him to move forward with his life but what do I know. Maybe he will land this woman and I say way to go if he does. It just seems like a real long shot. I have no problem giving my advice and support but to double date seems awkward to me. I did it originally thinking it would be one and done. Being directly involved feels awkward. ps - I hope he succeeds. His with is a real f'ing bitch Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Asides from the whole married thing (which, ugh, what an ******* ) IMO even this reason alone is enough to say no. If he was just an older guy going after young women, I don't see any point in intervening as long as he's being respectful and not doing anything stupid, as they can just say no themselves. But married, and asking you to help him? No way. Enabling an affair is pretty darn unethical. What she said. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 Good points all. His marriage sucks and he has complained to me for years about it. He has done little or nothing to step up and try to change things at home. I think an affair would embolden him to move forward with his life but what do I know. Maybe he will land this woman and I say way to go if he does. It just seems like a real long shot. I have no problem giving my advice and support but to double date seems awkward to me. I did it originally thinking it would be one and done. Being directly involved feels awkward. ps - I hope he succeeds. His with is a real f'ing bitch Dude, that's not an excuse for cheating. If he's with a 'real ****ing bitch' then he can very well divorce her before approaching other women. He's trying to be a cake-eater and honestly I think it's pretty lowly for you to wish him success or support him in cheating on his wife. If you're just not intervening then that's okay, but this is a different issue entirely. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted December 12, 2015 Author Share Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) I am not condoning cheating, simply providing some background info and my / his perspective. I told him that he is cheating (physically and emotionally) and that he needs to address his issues at home and recognize the serious consequenses his actions would have. That he really needs to think about the path he is about to go down. Its an awkward place to be: he is one of my best friends and seems to be going through some sort of a mid life crisis. Edited December 12, 2015 by Otter2569 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 My guess is he's simply repeating behavior he's always had and if he ended up with a "real ****ing bitch" for a wife, then that's because back when he met her, he wasn't a good enough person with good enough standards to marry a woman with some quality and ethics but probably went for looks or youth alone and got whatever would take him from that category. Link to post Share on other sites
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