I think my Wife is cheating on me?

[Realist3]

I would just tell her not to bother coming home and go no contact. I think its clear you already know what she is doing. Start 180 and talk to a lawyer. Take some time out for yourself. Don't let her just sway your decision over this kind of a betrayal.

 

Sorry this is happening to you but if you don't put up serious consequences then your going to just continue to deal with this kind of behavior.

 

Good luck

 

C

 

Whatever you do, do not do this. This a very(to put it kindly) extreme over-reaction.

 

You don't even have sufficient evidence to convince yourself. Don't go all crazy issuing ultimatums and contacting lawyers.

[Chi townD]

I don't think that the phone bill is going to show anything. Especially if the person she might be cheating with is there with her. This "hook up" could have been a random thing that just happened on this trip.

 

 

Hard one to give advice on. Personally, if it were me, I would fly out there and surprise her. Book a room in the same hotel. Then, while you're in the same hotel, call her as you normally do, the when the call is finished and she thinks that you're done talking for the night, wait an hour or two then go up to her room and knock. Making sure that you have a dozen roses with you (therefore, it looks like your visit is strictly romantic rather than suspicious) and make sure you cover the peephole. If she calls out just say "management".

 

 

Her eyes and facial expression should tell you everything you need to know. If she is happy and surprised to see you and jumps in your arms, there might not be anything going on. If her eyes bulge out of her head and looks really nervous and fidgety, you might have a problem. OR if there's a guy in her room......well, you can fill in the blanks. If she's asking what you're doing there, just say that you were really missing her and you had to see her, so you decided to surprise her.

 

 

If she acts surprised and happy, cool. But, watch her. She might start texting like crazy. And watch her co-workers. Look for them to feel a bit uncomfortable with you there and especially any guys that give you a VERY WIDE berth. If and when you get the opportunity to get at her phone (say like, if she's in the shower) see who she has been scrambling to text.

[Clay]

Whatever you do, do not do this. This a very(to put it kindly) extreme over-reaction.

 

You don't even have sufficient evidence to convince yourself. Don't go all crazy issuing ultimatums and contacting lawyers.

 

Contacting a lawyer is not stupid. Its always good to get advice. What is foolish is to act like nothing is seriously going on here. People don't just hide there facebook accounts and do things to conceal what is going on while there away just for the fun of it. She clearly is doing something and regardless of what it is it might be best for him to back away and start looking at options on protection himself.

 

The other part on cutting contact with her would wake her up if her marriage really meant anything to her and put it back in the spotlight.

 

People lack the backbone these days to just say NO I will not tolerate the behavior you are showing me. I do not deserve this and if it continues I will end this.

 

Communication is everything but if you never really say the important things then what is the sense in talking at all.

 

C

[Realist3]

Contacting a lawyer is not stupid. Its always good to get advice. What is foolish is to act like nothing is seriously going on here. People don't just hide there facebook accounts and do things to conceal what is going on while there away just for the fun of it. She clearly is doing something and regardless of what it is it might be best for him to back away and start looking at options on protection himself.

 

The other part on cutting contact with her would wake her up if her marriage really meant anything to her and put it back in the spotlight.

 

People lack the backbone these days to just say NO I will not tolerate the behavior you are showing me. I do not deserve this and if it continues I will end this.

 

Communication is everything but if you never really say the important things then what is the sense in talking at all.

 

C

 

Everything you just stated is blind conjecture. There no need to scare the guy half to death into making rash decisions, especially issuing very harsh ultimatums when there is no evidence. There is no need to prompt him into, at this point, unsubstantiated conclusions. No one here knows if there is anything going on.

[Realist3]

The only thing that would raise a red flag is a person that made their friends list to private, instead of just friends.

[ShatteredLady]

I only shared rooms when I was first starting out in my career in ENGLAND & was doing things like Management Training & Team Building courses. Some were suites with a few bedrooms & bathrooms. I've stayed (alone) in USA in suites that could accommodate 4-6 adults.

 

I know!! I was just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. It's far fetched but possible? Maybe?

[Chi townD]

It all depends on how cheap her work company is. They might be having them double up to save money. But, if her company worked out a group rate, then they may have their own rooms because they've agreed to a discounted rate. Like if they sent 10 people and booked for 5 rooms to save money, but they discovered that they get a better rate if they book 10 rooms or more, then they might have gone that route. We just don't know.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Many if not most pharmaceutical companies in the US have their sales reps share hotel rooms during training sessions. As they progress in the company there comes a point where they get a private room. Point being sharing rooms is not unheard of, if these companies operate this way, others may, too.

[qubist]

I work for one of the biggest government contractor and they sent us twice for training where I had to share a room with on other guy. It wasn't a bid deal for me

[Mrs. John Adams]

The only thing that would raise a red flag is a person that made their friends list to private, instead of just friends.

 

My friend list is private because it is no ones business who my friends are....however...my husband has all of my passwords to all of my accounts.

 

So let's not assume her friend list is private to keep secrets from her husband.

 

Personally...i am having trouble with the whole story.....

[qubist]

My friend list is private because it is no ones business who my friends are....however...my husband has all of my passwords to all of my accounts.

 

So let's not assume her friend list is private to keep secrets from her husband.

 

Personally...i am having trouble with the whole story.....

what's fishy is not the fact that she made her friend list private, but the timing of it. it happened the same day he couldn't facetime her

[Mrs. John Adams]

I change my settings on my facebook account...I change my profile on here...all the time.

 

One thing does not necessarily have anything to do with the other. Does he really even know when she made her friend list private? or does he think he knows?

 

I am not defending her...do not misunderstand my post. I think he needs to get his facts straight. He is making a whole lot of assumptions in his story that just don't wash to me.

[Realist3]

My friend list is private because it is no ones business who my friends are....however...my husband has all of my passwords to all of my accounts.

 

So let's not assume her friend list is private to keep secrets from her husband.

 

Personally...i am having trouble with the whole story.....

 

This I can agree with, but we do not know if in fact she did make her friends list private. And we do not know if he has her passwords.

 

I was just saying that making her FB friends only instead of public is not alarming.

[Realist3]

what's fishy is not the fact that she made her friend list private, but the timing of it. it happened the same day he couldn't facetime her

 

He never said she made her friends list private. He said she made her FB page private/friends only. Big difference.

[Mrs. John Adams]

He never said she made her friends list private. He said she made her FB page private/friends only. Big difference.

 

My face book page is only visible to friends only.....the only way to make your face book page private to anyone is to BLOCK them. Your profile is public otherwise.

 

If her face book page is no longer visible to her husband...she had to BLOCK him.

 

I am not really understanding the points here.....not disagreeing with anyone...i am just not getting it.

[Chi townD]

My face book page is only visible to friends only.....the only way to make your face book page private to anyone is to BLOCK them. Your profile is public otherwise.

 

If her face book page is no longer visible to her husband...she had to BLOCK him.

 

I am not really understanding the points here.....not disagreeing with anyone...i am just not getting it.

 

 

Unless he's not facebook friends with his wife, then he can't see the status updates. And more importantly, sometimes you get some status updates from friends of hers that might be on her friends list and might end up on the timeline if she's tagged. Like if she was tagged in a photo that she doesn't want her husband to see. Therefore, that's what makes it very fishy.

[Realist3]

My face book page is only visible to friends only.....the only way to make your face book page private to anyone is to BLOCK them. Your profile is public otherwise.

 

If her face book page is no longer visible to her husband...she had to BLOCK him.

 

I am not really understanding the points here.....not disagreeing with anyone...i am just not getting it.

 

There are so many settings to customize.

 

To me what he was saying is that she may have made her page 'friends only' instead of public. Your profile pic, you can make 'friends only' as well; most of them are public. Mine is public. Everything else friends only.

[m.snow]

lastly you should have called her room that night 8:30 pm.

instead of calling the cell phone, use land-line to check if she was at the room.

my money is she wasn't even in her room.

8:30 pm and no socket to plug in the phone?

 

when spouse is on a business trip get her room number. use landline instead of cellular to call.

[Lion Heart]

So my wife has been on a business trip for several weeks staying with her colleagues from work in a nice hotel. Every night we usually talk on Skype, but the past few weeks she has been coming up with excuses to not talk on skype some nights. Usually we skype later at night, because I get off from work late most nights. Well, I recently caught her a lie about why she couldn't skype with me.

 

I came home from work one night and asked if she wanted to skype. It was about 8:30, I got no response for like 45 minutes. Then she says that her phone is low on battery and can't Skype because skype "drains too much battery" and that all the rooms that have power outlets are occupied and she doesn't want to "disturb her coworkers in the living room" and that her coworker that is staying in her room is asleep so she can't skype me in her room either.

 

She said she really wanted to see my face but couldn't so she offers to talk on the phone instead, but she says she has to go in the bathroom first for us to talk to get not disturb her coworkers (which she forgot, most bathrooms have power outlets, so she could have skyped me from the bathroom if she really wanted to see me). I called her immediately after she sent the text message to me so I know she'd see me calling, but she never answered. So I called her again and she picked up after like 20 seconds of ringing. She picked up and sounded nervous. And we talked for a bit but she was almost dead silent so I had to do all the talking. Well that was 2 nights ago.

 

Tonight, we skyped like normal, but in the background of the video call on Skype, all of her coworkers were there just talking and stuff and they saw me and waved at me, and I asked her why she couldn't skype me the night before because she didn't want to "disturb her coworkers." and she looked like she got caught in a lie. And made up some excuse that they were trying to sleep, but when we skyped tonight and her coworkers were wide awake in the background of the skype call, it was 10pm.

 

I don't know any grown adults who go to sleep at 8:30, and coincidentally, all of them were trying to go to sleep at 8:30 that night? Another reason I think she might be cheating on me is because she just recently made her facebook account private to anyone except mutual friends so that people can't search her or add her. And her facebook profile picture has always been us holding hands at our wedding, she has never changed it for several years. Maybe she is trying to hide the fact that she is married in case the guy she is cheating on me with decides to search her on facebook? Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but she just seems distant lately and I've caught her in lies about where she has been at night when I get off work at night more than once since she's been on this trip.

 

Hi MarkR

 

If YOU feel concerned. That's all that matters here.

What's wrong with waiting till she gets home and when everything's quiet, she seems relaxed, ask "So what's up with you?" Ask what's going on.

 

Do all the snooping you want before and after that conversation.

 

Some, albeit few I think, come straight out with it. Or part. Or reduce the relationship to "just friends" etc.

 

Seriously I've bluffed information out of my WH.

You could ask, "So tell me who else you're sleeping with". Watch. Take notice of her reaction. It's telling.

 

If she asked YOU who you were seeing (and if you've been faithful) how would you react? I'd laugh! Pfft. Ridiculous.

 

But a cheater? Very differently. With the exception of the well practised serial cheaters among us. Nervous. Highly reactive. Blame shifting. Then the 1 tell all IMHO "I'm not happy in our M". Gotcha. From my personal experience only.

 

Whenever you're ready, DO download phone bills. Tell her you have them and you'd rather hear it from her....FIRST.

 

Sure they may take the A underground. But make her a promise if she's having an A you WILL find out. It all comes out in the end.

 

I'd jump whilst she's making ridiculous excuses for silly things. No power point? Really? REALLY. Come on. She wasn't in the wilderness!

 

GNOs and many of them. Long periods away from you. Weird behaviours. Ripe for it. Sorry if I offend the faithful ones doing that.

 

Back later.

Lion Heart.

[Mrin]

OP:

 

Ok dude, I have been on ALL sides of this situation. I travel for a living so I know what I speak of. Okay, here's the straight scoop:

 

1. Nothing you have said here is a red flag

2. Could they be indicative of a bigger problem? Sure. Could they be innocent? Sure.

3. Workplace/road trip romances and hookups happen all the time

4. And there isn't thing 1 you can do about it. Especially not right now. In fact, you can only increase the chance of them happening (see below)

5. It is not unusual for a company to put 2 to a room especially for things like conferences, training, annual meetings. Etc... Any time you have a lot of employees traveling, some cost cutter is going to come up with the bright idea of bunkmates.

6. Truth: when you're on the road away from your SO or spouse, you have the opportunity to play.

7. Truth: it is also a time of escapism. No spouse. No kids. No responsibilities. It is sort of like summer camp for adults (especially if the adults aren't road warriors)

8. Her nights are filled with socializing and probably drinking

9. Truth: the last thing you want to be perceived as is the untrusting, whiny, smothering husband. "Where we you?". "Why can't you talk now?". "Who are you with?" does you zero good. I mean ZERO. Anything that makes her cringe or pull away is B-A-D. Like really bad. The last thing you want to be is "Hellen's stick in the mud, ball and chain, husband".

10. Truth: The best way to catch a wayward spouse on a business trip is to call the room phone not the cell phone. But in today's world nothing says "nagging spouse" like a call to the room phone out of the blue.

11. Road trips with bunkmates are actually FAR better at discouraging extracurricular activities than trips where everyone has their own room. Believe me when I say this.

 

In the end, she's out having fun, doing adult things with her adult coworkers. The best thing you can do right now is make her miss you. Not resent you. Check in once a day with a call or a Skype and be mindful of her "road life". Her not wanting to skype with you the other night is concerning but she might have been socializing, or smoking, or a million other things that don't involve banging that guy from accounting.

 

All that being said, listen to your gut but for God's sake, be stealthy about it. You need to accept that if she wants to have an affair on the road there isn't a single thing you can do to prevent it. The only thing you can control is her desire to have it more because you're a nagging spouse.

 

If you still suspect, keep up with the sleuthing. If she does stray, there will be a trail. Not while she is there but afterwards. We humans are really bad at just shagging and forgetting it ever happened.

 

If your wife is going to start to travel a lot for business you're just going to have to get used to this. And trust. The best way to trust is to make sure your relationship is freaking rock solid strong.

[HereNorThere]

Nah, you know when your spouse is hiding something from you. People generally are not good liars, especially face to face. When she comes home, watch for the extended eye contact. People always say they can tell when someone is lying by their eyes and it's true. Liars generally do not want to look you in the eye but they know that's a dead give away and over compensate.

 

You know when something isn't right. I traveled extensively for work and so do my friends. I've never had to share but my friends and who have were never asked to do so much with the opposite gender.

 

Besides, any good wife sharing a room with other males is going to tell you and constantly keep you up to date with what's going on.

 

You already know she's lying but the great part is that she isn't a good liar. As long as you really want to know the truth, you'll find it. Just don't show her your cards until you have all evidence.

 

P.S. - if she has an iPhone, chances are you won't get much from the phone bill. iMessages and other data based text messengers do leave the trail traditional SMS messages do. To get that, you need her iTunes user account and access to the email associated with the ID and her iPhone and iPad. You can log into another device with her password, but it will send her alerts. You need the devices to dismiss or delete them before she sees. Does she sync sync with iTunes at home? If so, the iMessages are backed up to your computer. Also, if there is a home computer, you need to forensically examine that hard drive NOW!

Edited October 16, 2015 by HereNorThere

[HereNorThere]

He never said she made her friends list private. He said she made her FB page private/friends only. Big difference.

 

It could very well be that she is hiding her Facebook from her business trip hookup so he doesn't know she's married or what her personal life looks like.

 

The timing is just way too off to not assume something fishy.

[Mrin]

Wait - did i miss something. She has a MALE bunkmate? No company would ever do that. Not in the same room. Ever. No HR person would ever sign off on that lunacy.

[Mr. Lucky]

Wait - did i miss something. She has a MALE bunkmate? No company would ever do that. Not in the same room. Ever. No HR person would ever sign off on that lunacy.

 

The OP only has 2 posts, I didn't see that info in either one.

 

Lots of extrapolation going on here. I get that this is an Infidelity forum, but not every inattentive spouse is cheating...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrin]

The FB thing isn't concerning. The FB profile pic is usually still visible. And it is just a wise move. She probably was hanging out with a bunch of their coworkers talking about FB privacy settings and she realized she was on public and changed it.