I had an affair with my boyfriends best friend...Now what?

[NewStart8]

Hi. I'm not sure how to go about this, so I'll just dive in.

I was dating my boyfriend Scott for about 3.5 years when the affair started. We had been dating since I was 19, him 28. We had a great relationship, but we had our issues. He never once met any of my friends, we never spent holidays with the others family, and I didn't have anything more that a toothbrush and phone charger at his place. But I didn't care, I loved him and wanted to be with him more than anything.

In January, we flew out to San Fransisco for New Year's with some of his friends, best friend included. I had no feeling towards the friend at that point, but little did I know, the best friend had been trying to get with me since we met. 2 weeks after the vacation, the best 2 weeks of our relationship, Scott picked a fight with me because I never completed my bachelors degree, and didn't get into a certain program for school. He didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. One night, I went out with friends for a going away party, and one of his friends that was on the trip saw me. I didn't say hi because I wanted to leave the bar and go home. Scott called me and accused me of cheating on him with my friends. We didn't see each other for a week.

When we did finally meet up, he said that he wanted to work on things, but the damage had been done, I had been greatly hurt. Valentine's Day weekend rolls around and his best friend invites me over for a party. I go. He feeds me drinks and we end up at a bar. After a shot, I head to the bathroom, where he follows me and kisses me. We ended up hooking up 3 times over the month, included the night of Scotts birthday. His best friend, I didn't have real feelings for, it was more of a way to escape. I would get ready to go over and my palms would sweat because I was nervous. But once I got there, and drank, it would go away until I would get into my car. Then the guilt set in, and the only way to overcome it was to get my "fix". Scott and I continued to talk and hang out while this was going on, but we never had sex. I couldn't while I was sleeping with his best friend.

He found out from a mutual friend who saw us kissing; a kiss I never wanted to have because the guilt was too much and it was in public.

Scott and I went through a month of shock. He wanted to be with me, but was hurt. Then we jumped back into the relationship, talked about marriage. I thought it was going great until he searched my phone and saw a message from years ago from an ex where I was being a little flirty. He flipped out. Things have deteriorated since. We had about a month of good after the affair. Since then all he calls me is a worthless whore, a dumb cunt, nothing but a warm hole. He spits at me, refuses to see me, goes on dates with other women. But then we spend weekends together, and things are great. Then midnight rolls around on Sunday night and it all goes away. I finally told him that if having sex with someone else would make him get over it faster, if it would get us to a good place. He said he would take a screenshot of the convo, and that was the last I heard from him.

I don't know what to do. I'm doing literally everything I can to be with him. I don't see my friends, I'm spending every dime I make on him, cleaning his entire condo every time I go over. Ive plead with him, gotten on my knees and begged. I want him back desperately because I have seen the good. I have seen what it's like to get past this, if we could only get passed it. I need help.

[Maddieandtae]

You do need help and not with getting Scott back. You need to go complete no contact with both these men and seek help for your self esteem. You should not beg someone to be with you. It's painful I know to go through relationship issues, love should not be about begging and accepting such horrid name calling. The spitting on you should be a HUGE red flag.

[Jersey born raised]

I can get giving spmeone a little latitude verbal in this situation but not splitting on you or non stop verbal abuse,

 

Last poster was right, end it with Scott.

 

Also his BF. What did he do about him.

[Eagle's-bargain]

As other people have said, end it with Scott and everyone else.

You probably should be avoiding sex and other - including nonsexual - intimacy until you work out who you are first.

[Bufo]

No amount of condo cleaning is going to erase the dirt of the double betrayal. How do you expect him to trust you? Without trust there is no good relAtionship. It's that simple. You yourself are probably a trigger for him.

[Clay]

You did the worse thing in the world you can do to someone. You not only betrayed him by cheating on him you did it with his best friend. Your cheating your ability to do it with his best friend is on you. I understand not wanting to be called names but it sounds like you put yourself in that position to be labeled those things.

 

The best thing you can do now is walk away. Let him go find someone else. He is never ever going to be able to trust you again around anyone. I have had this pain and its not easy to get over.

 

Get into counseling and try to find out how you could do such a horrible thing to someone you loved and cared about. Try to figure how to prevent this happening in the future.

 

I would also suggest one more thing but I doubt you will follow through with it. Don't ever see his best friend again. Don't take a call from him or anything.

 

Good luck. Your going to need it.

 

C

[smackie9]

Dear NewStart8, I just want to give you a little insight, (without interruption or a certain poster):

 

Let me begin with that I totally understand how you felt throughout this whole ordeal. I'm assuming Scott was your first real BF? You seem inexperienced and emotionally vulnerable. At 19, I know we overlook things to get what we want not realizing the consequences what happens when we put someone ahead of our own needs.

 

Scott really wasn't treating you the way a loving caring BF should have. He didn't have any interest in making you a part of his life or share your lives together. It must have been heart breaking for you to no to be able to spend time together with both families. For me that would be intolerable. And for you to not even be welcome to have some your belonging at his place or even move in together. It makes me wonder if there was motive behind that.

 

He starts two fights with you, and goes no contact for three weeks in total....My personal suspicions are he was hookin up with someone during that time.

 

Unfortunately his friend may have known about it and saw opportunity to get with you, knowing your emotionally weakened state. Now I'm not condoning what you did was justifiable, but I can understand when one is vulnerable, weakened by sadness and uncertainty, then add some alcohol and a smooth talkin guy, it was a perfect storm.

 

Your BF is an abusive a sshole. Even tho you may have been with your BF, it doesn't justify him continually punishing you. Sorry to say this but he has no intention of getting back with you. He is taking much pleasure in watching you beg, give him sex, clean his condo and all those things....eventually he's going to get bored of you and toss you to the curb with the trash.

 

You need to be strong and say NO MORE! You walk away from this prick of a BF, and get some counseling to get your head straight. Darling, it's been long over....he doesn't want you back.

Edited October 19, 2015 by smackie9