Stuck and can't breathe

[Ms. Faust]

So did he read the thread?

[bathtub-row]

If he's telling you that they're talking about divorce then it's possible that he's telling you the truth. But you still need to remain cautious. As far as him telling his wife about the affair, I think you should reconsider that. There is absolutely no point in that. It's hurtful and accomplishes nothing.

[Rigby]

I have gone NC as of today for reasons that are all to familiar on this thread. To sum up - his actions contradict his words, repeatedly. And although his words purport to put me and us first, his actions do not. Oftentimes he conceals those actions, supposedly to save me from being hurt. After 8 years the cycle has to end. I am in survival mode, have no one to talk to, and now I don't even have the support of this forum because I was stupid enough to tell MM about it (so anything I post in here is technically "contact"). Lesson for future posters in this forum - don't give your mm access because this may be the only support system available to you.

 

I feel horrible, idiotic, and worthless. I know many of you will say that I deserve it all, and I undoubtedly do. Need to focus on surviving and being a mom, and will draw strength from others in this forum who are going through the same thing. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I know permanent NC is the best thing, and I have to maintain it. The challenge is that he works right down the hall from me, so I also need to figure out career options. Wish me luck, although I will understand if you do not think that I deserve it.

Edited November 14, 2015 by Rigby
Addendum

[NewLeaf512]

I wouldn't let anything take the forum away from me. I would write to the mods and ask if you can change your user name or what the rules are.

[WakingUp]

I have gone NC as of today for reasons that are all to familiar on this thread. To sum up - his actions contradict his words, repeatedly. And although his words purport to put me and us first, his actions do not. Oftentimes he conceals those actions, supposedly to save me from being hurt. After 8 years the cycle has to end. I am in survival mode, have no one to talk to, and now I don't even have the support of this forum because I was stupid enough to tell MM about it (so anything I post in here is technically "contact"). Lesson for future posters in this forum - don't give your mm access because this may be the only support system available to you.

 

I feel horrible, idiotic, and worthless. I know many of you will say that I deserve it all, and I undoubtedly do. Need to focus on surviving and being a mom, and will draw strength from others in this forum who are going through the same thing. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I know permanent NC is the best thing, and I have to maintain it. The challenge is that he works right down the hall from me, so I also need to figure out career options. Wish me luck, although I will understand if you do not think that I deserve it.

 

Rigby, you have options. If you reach 50 posts, you will have PM priveleges. That way you can discuss things and receive support from others without it being public.

 

Why not post on other threads, nothing too personal and just supporting others until you reach that 50 mark?

 

Or, you could ask the mods to delete your posts... they will probably do it as you have valid reason...

 

Best wishes to you and a big hug. I have been in a somewhat similar situation, and after the most recent NC I am finally coming out the other side. Its been quite a process but today is a good day for me, and tomorrow will be better.

 

I would love to be able to share with you the things I have learned. Dont give up on LS! And dont give up on NC!

[Rigby]

Rigby, you have options. If you reach 50 posts, you will have PM priveleges. That way you can discuss things and receive support from others without it being public.

 

Why not post on other threads, nothing too personal and just supporting others until you reach that 50 mark?

 

Or, you could ask the mods to delete your posts... they will probably do it as you have valid reason...

 

Best wishes to you and a big hug. I have been in a somewhat similar situation, and after the most recent NC I am finally coming out the other side. Its been quite a process but today is a good day for me, and tomorrow will be better.

 

I would love to be able to share with you the things I have learned. Dont give up on LS! And dont give up on NC!

 

That is good to know - I wasn't aware I could have private message privileges after 50 messages. Knowing him I doubt he will come on here, but if he does and he tries, he will figure out who I am even of I change my user name. I just can't give him that access or power over me. I also don't want to be self-editing posts knowing he might read it. I like Waking Up's idea of commenting on other threads until I reach 50 and then maybe going PM with people, but I don't have many options right now. Just need to keep it together for my kid. I'm not sure how.

[privategal]

Rigby, you have options. If you reach 50 posts, you will have PM priveleges. That way you can discuss things and receive support from others without it being public.

 

Why not post on other threads, nothing too personal and just supporting others until you reach that 50 mark?

 

Or, you could ask the mods to delete your posts... they will probably do it as you have valid reason...

 

Best wishes to you and a big hug. I have been in a somewhat similar situation, and after the most recent NC I am finally coming out the other side. Its been quite a process but today is a good day for me, and tomorrow will be better.

 

I would love to be able to share with you the things I have learned. Dont give up on LS! And dont give up on NC!

 

Wishing you strength in NC. Im sorry its had to end and hope you can heal in time.

[Rigby]

I am so angry with what he has recently done, so hurt, and so demolished and disgusted with myself form letting this happen to me and believing in him, in his words, and us for 8 years, that I go back and forth between an intense rage and desire for revenge (in the form of telling his wife everything via email that I have already drafted) to feeling like I don't have much worth in this world at all, and have no one to blame but myself. Realistically, I know (and he knows) that I will never tell his wife - I love him too much and I don't want to cause that destruction in his family. I deserve to be hurt and destroyed, not his wife and family. And the problem is that even this post is potentially viewable by him, and he doesn't deserve to know what he's done to me or what is in my head. I need to find out from the moderator if I can restrict my posts to established members.

[Marc878]

The AP almost never leaves the family.

 

You've invested 7 yrs

 

They have a horrible marriage, never ever have sex�� Hmmmmm all on MM's word.

 

He's a cheater! Cheaters lie, hide, deceive.

 

Now you can make your life what you want it to be. You can do this just don't waste any more of your time/life on MM

 

 

Sorry for you

Edited November 15, 2015 by Marc878

[WestEndGirl]

They have a horrible marriage, never ever have sex�� Hmmmmm all on MM's word.

 

He's a cheater! Cheaters lie, hide, deceive.

 

Oh, I think most of them have sex all right. It might be bad sex, and it might be infrequent sex (a friend of mine that's divorcing got it maybe once a year, as a "treat" from his W), but they still have it.

[Rigby]

In a very short email I asked xmm as a favor to me to not read my posts or access this site. Given how Day 1 went, the healing is going to be brutal and I need an outlet, and 50 posts is going to take a while to get to. I am going to operate under the assumption that he won't come on here - I'm not sure he has a lot of interest in being a voyeur in all of this in any event. Thanks to all who have posted.

[NewLeaf512]

Did you email him today? If so let's start day 1 again. You can do this!

[Popsicle]

In a very short email I asked xmm as a favor to me to not read my posts or access this site. Given how Day 1 went, the healing is going to be brutal and I need an outlet, and 50 posts is going to take a while to get to. I am going to operate under the assumption that he won't come on here - I'm not sure he has a lot of interest in being a voyeur in all of this in any event. Thanks to all who have posted.

 

If he misses you but knows NC is best, he'll silently read. If he doesn't miss you, he won't read at all.

[Lois_Griffin]

In a very short email I asked xmm as a favor to me to not read my posts or access this site. Given how Day 1 went, the healing is going to be brutal and I need an outlet, and 50 posts is going to take a while to get to. I am going to operate under the assumption that he won't come on here - I'm not sure he has a lot of interest in being a voyeur in all of this in any event. Thanks to all who have posted.

Well, let's see.

 

He's a liar, a manipulator, a cheater, a deceiver, a snake and a scammer. He's had a good thing going on the side for 7 yeas while he claims to live as a roommate with this wife.

 

You've cut the gravy train short.

 

Never, ever misunderstand one thing - it's ALL ABOUT HIM.

 

While he's been busy having a life and a half at the expense of both you and his wife, you ladies have been living half a life.

 

What a deal.

 

For him.

 

There isn't a man on this planet worthy of lowering yourself to that level. Unless it's Brad Pitt. I might make an exception there but that's about it. And I highly doubt lover boy even comes close.

 

The respect and admiration of your son is worth so much MORE than wasting your time with a lying, opportunistic cheater.

 

Sorry it took 8 years for you to realize this.

 

Good luck to you.

[Popsicle]

I think working on getting out of that office you work at with him is a good idea.

[privategal]

Every minute he pops into your mind (in time it will be less and less) tell yourself "its over, that was the past".

He's gotta be "dead to you" he's married, loving his wife, he's done, it hurts...be super real with yourself...its DONE.

Burn the bridge...close your heart...let it hurt...endings hurt...but forward...EVERY thing you do and think should be about forward.

He is a figure of hurt, loss of self esteem, anxiety, deciept....ughhh...so not worth the tears.

It helped me to think how ruthless my mm was that he had a pregnant beautiful sweet wife and he was emotionally cheating with me.

Wow. He was a jerk and I was a jerk for going there. This life of lies does nothing good for anyone. Your free now. Xo

[Rigby]

Did you email him today? If so let's start day 1 again. You can do this!

 

Yes - I figured best to do it on day 1 and have a restart than to do it later. I've literally blocked all methods of contact though so he cannot even respond, except of course through and at work, which is the big problem.

[anika99]

In a very short email I asked xmm as a favor to me to not read my posts or access this site. Given how Day 1 went, the healing is going to be brutal and I need an outlet, and 50 posts is going to take a while to get to. I am going to operate under the assumption that he won't come on here - I'm not sure he has a lot of interest in being a voyeur in all of this in any event. Thanks to all who have posted.

 

Oh good plan. If there's one person you can trust to do as you ask, it's a lying cheating MM. Change your username. Your MM isn't going to go to the effort of reading hundreds of post to look for you. By the way, emailing him just to tell him not to read here is like inviting him to read here in a roundabout way. It's like if someone called me and told me not to look out my front window. The first thing I'm going to do is go look out my front window, and I suspect that you know that too.

[Rigby]

If he misses you but knows NC is best, he'll silently read. If he doesn't miss you, he won't read at all.

 

Or, a third option is that if he did feel something for me and has one shred of decency, he will give me this one thing (privacy on this forum to help me heal) in return for the 8 years I gave him, and honor my request.

[Rigby]

Oh good plan. If there's one person you can trust to do as you ask, it's a lying cheating MM. Change your username. Your MM isn't going to go to the effort of reading hundreds of post to look for you. By the way, emailing him just to tell him not to read here is like inviting him to read here in a roundabout way. It's like if someone called me and told me not to look out my front window. The first thing I'm going to do is go look out my front window, and I suspect that you know that too.

 

Ugh - yeah that might be true. I didn't do that with that intention, but you're right it comes across that way. And I really don't want him reading this stuff. All right, Rigby is signing out. I'll slowly matriculate back in after enough time has passed and it will be too much work to figure out who I am.

[ShatteredLady]

I've only just read this thread. I wanted to share a family story just for a little perspective. We often think things are 'obvious' because of our perception...

 

Growing-up my parents were friends with a couple who owned their own very successful business. Everyone considered the W a hard ball business woman. When they were moving business headquarters she stayed at the old site while he established the new one. A lady who worked for them started joining everyone on social events, travelled Europe on friends trips etc. this went on for a couple of years. Sometimes his W would be there & sometimes his employee.

 

One night the W turned-up on our doorstep. She was devastated! Screaming at my Dad "You are my friend! How could you cover for the lying, cheating, piece of s**t?". My parents had no idea what she was talking about!

 

Apparently 'everyone' knew about the A. Truth is no-one did. They assumed it was business. The staff at their business were gossiping....the usual no sex, no love etc. Real friends of the couple knew the truth. The W believed they had a strong loving M but they were making business sacrifices for the family future.

 

She was a very proud, strong lady. She went scorched earth!! She was brutal! Never make assumptions about how a deeply hurt & betrayed woman will react.

[Ms. Faust]

Rigby, wwwwhhhyyyy did you not go to the work function? Just because he brought his wife? SOOOO? Who caaares?? Why are you allowing him to have this kind of power over you?

 

Here is something I have thought about for some time, and may not be able to properly articulate it (I will say women, but this applies to men as well):

 

There are a lot of formulaic elements when it comes to having/being an affair, but one of the most common things that I see in almost all the stories I read is "I am/ use to be a strong woman". First of all, I often wonder what exactly entails being a strong woman, because being a strong woman also includes having strong boundaries OR a strong state of mind to be able to remove themselves from a toxic environment. I can almost guarantee most (not all) of these self proclaimed strong women, may have idealized themselves more than anything.

 

That aside, it seems like many OW not only agree to be the mistress, but agree to take on such a subservient role that it gets to the point where their marginalization is NOT due to the married man, but to themselves.

 

Case in point: You had a work dinner. Wifey wanted to go, which of course she would want to go! From what you are saying it sounds like you chose not to go because she was there. WHY? It is your job, your environment... why did you kowtow on this issue? This is how many women stay in unhappy affairs that go on and on and on. It's the idea of putting the MM first while the OW suffers in the dark and in silence. It's almost like there is some type of martyrdom to it.

 

Look, I'll say to you what I say to most women in this situation: I hope you learn to become a bitch. I hope you learn to become more selfish than your MM. Maybe then you will start holding your head up high and putting yourself first. I am afraid though you will continue on as so many other OW have: being treated like ****, complaining about it, and doing nothing to move forward. Just following the same pattern, over and over. Rinse and repeat. There definitely comes a point when one needs to stop putting blame on the MM and start looking at themselves. But if you are already at that point what are you going to do to change it?

 

The title of your post is that you are stuck. You are NOT stuck. You live in (I am assuming) a first world country with all the luxuries and education that it entails. You have the tools and resources to move forward. It's a matter of choice.

Edited November 16, 2015 by Ms. Faust