the WHY - 6.5 years later

[katielee]

but Autumn I still don't get what you're thinking about him having to have TWO affairs. He wants me to think of it as a period of time that he was not right in the head and that we are equal, not the fact that he had to get something over on me.

[katielee]

This is the part of your story that screams at me every time you post it.

I too am a betrayed spouse as well as a wayward spouse....and i can tell you that the pain i feel for the pain i caused my betrayed spouse is 100 fold the pain i feel as a betrayed.

 

I am not saying you are wrong....you feel what you feel....but i do NOT understand it.

 

yes, that's how I feel.

[xxoo]

but Autumn I still don't get what you're thinking about him having to have TWO affairs. He wants me to think of it as a period of time that he was not right in the head and that we are equal, not the fact that he had to get something over on me.

 

Is equal important?

[katielee]

Is equal important?

 

It isn't to me, or I would have had another one myself.

[katielee]

Having an affair made me disgusted with myself and I never want to go back there or hurt him like that again. The crap had to stop.

[BetrayedH]

i have never been in as much pain as I was in as a BS. I didn't choose affair to cope. I realize other options, such as divorce, are available and healthier.

 

Maybe you can clarify for me. Did you have your affair in response to your H's affair (like an RA)? Or did you happen to have affairs at about the same time?

 

I'm not trying to make a judgment here. I had an affair after my wife's affair. The reasons (or excuses, as some may call them) are complicated to say the least. There's really no separating my wife's affair from my own. I struggle with finding my own "why" that doesn't blame my wife or marriage. What I find more useful is analyzing why my reaction wasn't something other than an affair. I can't necessarily control the presence of resentment or conflict but I can control my reaction to it.

 

The reason that I ask is that your reasons for having an affair will be dramatically different depending on whether you knew about your H's affair at the time.

[katielee]

BH - I had mine first. Then he had two in rapid succession about 1.5 years later.

[BetrayedH]

BH - I had mine first. Then he had two in rapid succession about 1.5 years later.

 

Ah, thanks. Sorry for my poor memory. I couldn't remember the order.

 

So back to my original thought...

 

So let's assume you have determined that resentment over financial power struggles were behind your decision to have an affair. So, why an affair rather than talking, presenting an ultimatum, separating, or divorcing? Why not resolve the resentment? I suspect that it was that you didn't want the conflict. For some, an affair is a passive-aggressive way to regain some power.

 

I'm not sure that the existence of the financial power struggle teaches you very much. But awareness and introspection about being conflict-avoidant or passive-aggressive might really help you avoid a repeat of that behavior.

 

Identifying the financial power struggle as your "why" makes it sound like you're blame-shifting the problem to the BS or the marriage. I'd suggest redirecting your analysis to an internal one: "why" you responded to resentment in the way that you did.

[BetrayedH]

If I may ask, what's your H's explanation for the second affair? I know this has troubled you extensively. If it was about getting "even," why wasn't the first affair sufficient?

 

I'm wondering if he didn't really feel like the first affair was satisfying enough and didn't get what he wanted out of it, that kinda makes sense to me. Personally, I was jealous of what my wife experienced. If my affair had been unsatisfactory, perhaps I still would have had that some angst that I did before.

 

Feel free to decline to address this subject as off-topic as it's not really about your original subject. The fact that your H had a second affair just seems very key to your recovery. I'm curious what he says for the reason.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ah, thanks. Sorry for my poor memory. I couldn't remember the order.

 

So back to my original thought...

 

So let's assume you have determined that resentment over financial power struggles were behind your decision to have an affair. So, why an affair rather than talking, presenting an ultimatum, separating, or divorcing? Why not resolve the resentment? I suspect that it was that you didn't want the conflict. For some, an affair is a passive-aggressive way to regain some power.

 

I'm not sure that the existence of the financial power struggle teaches you very much. But awareness and introspection about being conflict-avoidant or passive-aggressive might really help you avoid a repeat of that behavior.

 

Identifying the financial power struggle as your "why" makes it sound like you're blame-shifting the problem to the BS or the marriage. I'd suggest redirecting your analysis to an internal one: "why" you responded to resentment in the way that you did.

 

This^^^^^^ exactly

and recognizing that while her husband is ultimately responsible for his choice to cheat....he would not have cheated had she not cheated in the first place......and he most likely had 2 affairs because he found the first one unsatisfying....

 

I of course do not know his mindset...i am comparing it to our experience....

[JohnAdams]

I'm wondering if he didn't really feel like the first affair was satisfying enough and didn't get what he wanted out of it, that kinda makes sense to me. Personally, I was jealous of what my wife experienced. If my affair had been unsatisfactory, perhaps I still would have had that some angst that I did before.

 

This makes sense to me. I did not find my RA fulfilling at all. I know many here say that an affair makes an inequity or injustice in the marriage. In a messed up BS state of mind, you have an RA to try to equal things back out. To try to capture that experience that your spouse had without you. So, you have an RA and still feel the inequity and injustice. Did you learn a lesson of how foolish an RA was, or do you try it again. Certainly not the right thing to do, but, I understand.

[katielee]

I found my affair unsatisfying. Understandable to cheat again? Understandable to even the score? No

 

And I've done the work of why affair. Not really dine the work of why the unhappiness.

[katielee]

The first words out of his mouth were you had two so I got to have two. But I was sexually assaulted, I didn't have a second affair, and he knew that.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So Katielee...what is your assessment of the situation? you think he set out to have 2 affairs to pay you back for having two? or did he express other reasons? devastation, esmasculation, etc

 

Were there similarities in your affair and his affair?

for example....my om was a college professor....John's OW was a classmate...he met while taking night classes in college.

 

I told him said professor was very handsome...he set out to find the prettiest girl in the class

 

You see where I am going with this? John was trying to duplicate my affair to understand and to feel what he thought i had felt.....but it was terribly disappointing...it only escalated his frustration instead of helping him...like he thought it might.

 

Is this similar to your husbands situation? or was his totally different?

[nightmare01]

No real experience being a WS so I'm probably talking out of my butt. I was an OM twice - but I didn't know the women were married at the time - when I did find out I ended the relationship.

 

Anyway -

 

Maybe there are "love" affairs that involve sex, and there are affairs that are just about sex?

 

My WW was in love with her OM. She was totally infatuated with him - addicted. And while I resent the sex she had with him (her libido has always been less than mine, so I've had to practically beg for sex), what bothers me more is the romance and love she had with him. She got to live that fairy tale, and I didn't.

 

If I were to have a RA - it would likely be purely sexual, and so I would probably find it unsatisfying. And in that case I can see wanting to do it again to somehow even the score - but I doubt that score can ever be evened.

 

I think that RA's are unsatisfying because they don't even the score. The WS never feels the same level of pain and betrayal as the BS does when they discover the affair. One of the things a BS has to grasp is that this is a situation that can never be balanced. It will never be equal.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No real experience being a WS so I'm probably talking out of my butt. I was an OM twice - but I didn't know the women were married at the time - when I did find out I ended the relationship.

 

Anyway -

 

Maybe there are "love" affairs that involve sex, and there are affairs that are just about sex?

 

My WW was in love with her OM. She was totally infatuated with him - addicted. And while I resent the sex she had with him (her libido has always been less than mine, so I've had to practically beg for sex), what bothers me more is the romance and love she had with him. She got to live that fairy tale, and I didn't.

 

If I were to have a RA - it would likely be purely sexual, and so I would probably find it unsatisfying. And in that case I can see wanting to do it again to somehow even the score - but I doubt that score can ever be evened.

 

I think that RA's are unsatisfying because they don't even the score. The WS never feels the same level of pain and betrayal as the BS does when they discover the affair. One of the things a BS has to grasp is that this is a situation that can never be balanced. It will never be equal.

 

 

By your own admission...you have never had an RA...and have never been a WS...therefore to say that a WS never feels the same level of pain and betrayal as the BS is purely speculation on your part. First of all measuring pain is very difficult.....I can measure the pain i feel against other pain i feel because i have suffered both. But to say my pain is worse than your pain is ridiculous. I am not you....Infidelity pain is not a contest of who suffers the most...unfortunately all of us who have suffered infidelity...have pain.

[Horton]

I saw SO MANY similarities in that situation with hubby and me. And it was one of the reasons for my affair - because I felt powerless. Don't get me wrong, all I had to do was say, "I feel powerless" but I apparently assumed he could read my mind and I didn't even give him a chance! But I remember visiting his siblings and being so jealous - not because they had nice things - but because the women got to make the decisions in an equal manner. I was PA too!!

 

This seems to be a pretty common theme with women who have affairs, at least with the ones on LS. If this wasn't about such a sad situation it would actually be pretty comical due to the stereotypical nature of such interactions between husbands and wives. By that I mean the man being the 'fixer' personality type and the woman expecting him to just instinctively know what she wants him to do without her actually telling him.

 

I can imagine that this imbalance must have created a great deal of resentment within him, knowing that he didn't really do anything wrong per se, yet still he got the short end of the stick. I think if I were him I would feel like I was being punished for a crime I didn't commit. Have you spoken to him about how he felt after your affair was revealed?

[Lion Heart]

What's a PA? :-)

 

Happy to hear you're gaining clarity about your own motivations katielee. I hope your awareness makes your path clearer and this awareness also empowers you to make creative decisions instead of destructive decisions forever more! Lol. Wouldn't that be great!

 

Good searching.

 

Lion Heart.

[autumnnight]

This seems to be a pretty common theme with women who have affairs, at least with the ones on LS. If this wasn't about such a sad situation it would actually be pretty comical due to the stereotypical nature of such interactions between husbands and wives. By that I mean the man being the 'fixer' personality type and the woman expecting him to just instinctively know what she wants him to do without her actually telling him.

 

I can imagine that this imbalance must have created a great deal of resentment within him, knowing that he didn't really do anything wrong per se, yet still he got the short end of the stick. I think if I were him I would feel like I was being punished for a crime I didn't commit. Have you spoken to him about how he felt after your affair was revealed?

 

Ummm

 

You may not have read all of her threads and story, but yes, they did work through recovery, and he had TWO affairs after hers.

 

And you're right, there is nothing comical about anyone's pain...or any marital hurt or dysfunction.

 

Katielee, I have heard you state over and over that you own your affair, and I believe you.

 

Don't you DARE own his.

[BetrayedH]

This makes sense to me. I did not find my RA fulfilling at all. I know many here say that an affair makes an inequity or injustice in the marriage. In a messed up BS state of mind, you have an RA to try to equal things back out. To try to capture that experience that your spouse had without you. So, you have an RA and still feel the inequity and injustice. Did you learn a lesson of how foolish an RA was, or do you try it again. Certainly not the right thing to do, but, I understand.

 

I can identify with a lot of this.

 

When it came to my affair, it wasn't about trying to get revenge. Much of it was trying not to be angry anymore. I was willing to trade my anger for some guilt of my own. And I thought that would bring some balance.

 

But it failed. I was still angry, even though I had no right to be. It threw gas on the fire. It solved nothing for me. I didn't feel better; everything was just more of a mess. It's no surprise to me that my judgment remained off for quite some time after that. I didn't have another affair but I guess it doesn't surprise me that someone might.

 

I'm not trying to excuse your H, katie. I'm just trying to help you sort out his "why," even if he cannot.

[JohnAdams]

I can identify with a lot of this.

 

When it came to my affair, it wasn't about trying to get revenge. Much of it was trying not to be angry anymore. I was willing to trade my anger for some guilt of my own. And I thought that would bring some balance.

 

But it failed. I was still angry, even though I had no right to be. It threw gas on the fire. It solved nothing for me. I didn't feel better; everything was just more of a mess. It's no surprise to me that my judgment remained off for quite some time after that. I didn't have another affair but I guess it doesn't surprise me that someone might.

 

I'm not trying to excuse your H, katie. I'm just trying to help you sort out his "why," even if he cannot.

 

I do think there is an effort to get balance in your life after a betrayal of this nature. A revenge affair is certainly not the answer. a reason or excuse for a revenge affair could be summarized " recently betrayed spouse is in such a traumatized condition, that, essentially, he or she may be somewhat non compus mentis, having diminshed capacity, thus mitigating any poor decision making." Perhaps anyone could argue this reasoning. But, I certainly believe many BS suffer from PTSD.

 

I also saw this "rather than revenge, the motivation for the “response affair” was to gain comfort and to feel attractive vs hurting the cheater.

 

There is the belief that with the original contracted voided, there is no moral obligation to continue abiding by it."

 

I think the BS is often injured to the point of not trying to inflict pain on the ws as much as trying to gain some lost self esteem back.

 

There is also often the feeling of the the broken contract by the WS. If a vow before God, family and friends means nothing, should I try to keep this contract?

 

I do not think any of this is right. The high road is too remain moral, loyal and trying to repair the marriage.

[autumnnight]

So what we are saying is that when you are hurting, in pain, betrayed, lied to and forsaken, it is reasonable to seek comfort from that elsewhere.....

[BetrayedH]

And I've done the work of why affair. Not really dine the work of why the unhappiness.

 

Meant gently, the unhappiness didn't lead to the affair.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So what we are saying is that when you are hurting, in pain, betrayed, lied to and forsaken, it is reasonable to seek comfort from that elsewhere.....

 

that is exactly what 99% of the way wards say......whether it is a EA, PA, RA, or a response affair.......

 

I had my affair because i was unhappy.....he had an unfair because I MADE HIM UNHAPPY.

 

Both are wrong...and we are both responsible for our choices...but he would not have had his had i not had mine...see how that works?

Edited October 16, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[BetrayedH]

I do think there is an effort to get balance in your life after a betrayal of this nature. A revenge affair is certainly not the answer. a reason or excuse for a revenge affair could be summarized " recently betrayed spouse is in such a traumatized condition, that, essentially, he or she may be somewhat non compus mentis, having diminshed capacity, thus mitigating any poor decision making." Perhaps anyone could argue this reasoning. But, I certainly believe many BS suffer from PTSD.

 

I also saw this "rather than revenge, the motivation for the “response affair” was to gain comfort and to feel attractive vs hurting the cheater.

 

There is the belief that with the original contracted voided, there is no moral obligation to continue abiding by it."

 

I think the BS is often injured to the point of not trying to inflict pain on the ws as much as trying to gain some lost self esteem back.

 

There is also often the feeling of the the broken contract by the WS. If a vow before God, family and friends means nothing, should I try to keep this contract?

 

I do not think any of this is right. The high road is too remain moral, loyal and trying to repair the marriage.

 

Again, I can identify with all of this. The last paragraph is what matters to me. It's not difficult to blame my wife for my affair. I'm more interested in being strong enough to take the high road, despite how low of a road my partner might take. I failed at that the first time.