the WHY - 6.5 years later

[BetrayedH]

So what we are saying is that when you are hurting, in pain, betrayed, lied to and forsaken, it is reasonable to seek comfort from that elsewhere.....

 

No, but many of us have used that rationalization.

[ShatteredLady]

My biggest head mess at the moment is I truly don't believe that my H even starts to comprehend the utter devastation I have experienced. I confess that deep down inside there is this horrible little person that Needs him to know, to truly get it.

 

On a superficial level I think he knows how much my brothers suicide hurt me. How it changed my family. I don't think he gets the 'alone' & true loss aspect but at least he can comprehend my pain.

 

His infidelity is all about his guilt. I can't even imagine a RA but I do fantasize that we divorce, he meets a new woman, gives everything to her, changes his life, believes completely & utterly that they are family. He reaches the point that he's completely secure & then she cheats on him! I know it won't be the same, as much of a life screwer but just enough for him to get it.

 

Then I hate myself for being so cruel. Then I hate myself for being so pathetic that his happiness is more important than mine. Ugh! I believe that there is nothing a BS can do to get what they truly need....understanding! That's all I want at this point. Empathy. He stole my love story. He stole my life for NOTHING! She says it was nothing, all in his head. This is my life.

 

How can you believe that you've ever been truly loved when your person, your partner, seems to be so strong, so powerful, during the affair? It's like he got real pleasure by crushing me! I used to earn more money & be more respected in my career. At my lowest moments I think he did it to feel superior to me, to put me in my place...

 

My H wrote to a friend that he sacrificed his Ow. He said "I gave up love & all I got in return was scorn!". I rug swept. I didn't mention it. It damaged me so deeply to NOT talk. It shattered my self esteme to be so pathetic & so focused on his well being. I sacrificed my own happiness by staying quiet & he resented me for his sacrifice!! He says it's not true but he said it.

 

He also wrote to his friend that he doesn't have a filter on his toxic gob. What he says is too true! If that's true he hates me! He accused me of having such a good memory (I used to be idetic) that his whole life is captured on CCTV. As if I'm holding everything to throw in his face later. Is there a human being, BS who just forgets incredible cruelty? I've never reminded him, never thrown anything in his face. I've suffered in silence & I'm still resented for it!

 

Now I fear this will happen again just when I feel safe & it will destroy me. How could I have a RA knowing that I'm hurting another innocent person AND knowing that I'd be hurting my H intentionally?

 

Oh my goodness. I'm sorry! I can't even remember the subject of this thread. I'm having a melt down! I hope something is relevant to subject & I'm not hijacking & venting. I'm just so sorry & sick & tired of being sorry. I think I need to take a break. I'm sorry.

Edited October 16, 2015 by ShatteredLady

[Mrs. John Adams]

This weekend we visited hubby's family and I got some clarity on some of my issues. I have dug and dug and gotten close, and had pieces revealed, but nothing like this..

MIL was a OCD hoarder. When FIL died last spring she never went back to the farm, got a new apartment and new furniture. We visited her and the place is nice, she is not hoarding - just a very nice apartment. FIL died with a lot of money in the bank, enough to bulldoze the farm (and they lived in a shack not fit to inhabit and may have had something to do with his death) and build her a new house, which she ALWAYS wanted but he said no. I think she PA filled it up with crap because there was a power struggle between them. Now, that is over and she can do what she wants. No need to fight him about things. I saw SO MANY similarities in that situation with hubby and me. And it was one of the reasons for my affair - because I felt powerless. Don't get me wrong, all I had to do was say, "I feel powerless" but I apparently assumed he could read my mind and I didn't even give him a chance! But I remember visiting his siblings and being so jealous - not because they had nice things - but because the women got to make the decisions in an equal manner. I was PA too!!

 

So now that I have my own money because I work, he has lightened the purse strings (he is anally frugal) and we don't have kid expenses, I have some power in how we spend money. And you know, I might have said to him, "I want to spend money this way," (actually I think I did but he said no and that was the end of it) but my abandonment issues raised their ugly head and didn't want to rock the boat of not doing things his way because of my fear of him leaving me.

I haven't told him this yet but I will.

It makes me think that we had our affairs for very different reasons... but I guess resentment is a common theme.

 

this is the original post...

 

and we have expounded on It makes me think that we had our affairs for very different reasons... but I guess resentment is a common theme

[autumnnight]

that is exactly what 99% of the way wards say......whether it is a EA, PA, RA, or a response affair.......

 

I had my affair because i was unhappy.....he had an unfair because I MADE HIM UNHAPPY.

 

Both are wrong...and we are both responsible for our choices...but he would not have had his had i not had mine...see how that works?

 

So how far back do see go? Either someone is responsible for their actions or they aren't.

 

I didn't even lest my elementary students get by with "He/she did it first!!"

[Mrs. John Adams]

So how far back do see go? Either someone is responsible for their actions or they aren't.

 

I didn't even lest my elementary students get by with "He/she did it first!!"

 

I said Both are wrong...and we are both responsible for our choices.

 

did you miss that part?

[xxoo]

So how far back do see go? Either someone is responsible for their actions or they aren't.

 

I didn't even lest my elementary students get by with "He/she did it first!!"

 

They aren't saying it's a justified response or excuse.

 

But it does explain the mindset and the impulse some have to engage in revenge affairs.

 

Some things in life are difficult to understand. Revenge affairs are not one of them. It's a fairly simply action-reaction (both wrong). Why did he choose cheating rather than other reactions? I don't know. But he was definitely going to react.

[MuddyFootprints]

Stop digging. Your happiness isn't lying at the bottom of a hole. It's right in front of you...if you want it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Look...none of it is justified...none of it is right....and none of it makes any damn sense.

 

People don't tend to have affairs for no reason....and some of those reasons may not make any sense...but it is validated in the mind of the person who makes the choice to cheat.

 

I cheated because....i was not happy....i cannot even say i was unhappy with john...I WAS UNHAPPY WITH ME. John did not move in our relationship...I DID.

 

John cheated...BECAUSE I MADE HIM UNHAPPY

 

Neither one is a valid reason...neither one is the right thing to do....and we are both responsible for our decisions.

 

I don't own Johns affair...he does....but i sure as hell caused it...because if i had not cheated neither would he. This statement does not make him less responsible for his choice....it simply says that I understand the repercussions of my infidelity.....and understanding what i did...and accepting the responsibility for the pain i caused...is an important step in his healing and his ability to forgive me.

[katielee]

All if what you guys have said, yes, for one affair, I get it. I understand it. No, for two.

[xxoo]

I don't own Johns affair...he does....but i sure as hell caused it...because if i had not cheated neither would he. This statement does not make him less responsible for his choice....it simply says that I understand the repercussions of my infidelity.....and understanding what i did...and accepting the responsibility for the pain i caused...is an important step in his healing and his ability to forgive me.

 

You did something that would predictably and reasonably cause a huge reaction. You don't get to choose what that reaction will be. He chose to cheat (bad choice). But I completely agree that it was a reaction to your actions, and otherwise would not have happened.

[xxoo]

All if what you guys have said, yes, for one affair, I get it. I understand it. No, for two.

 

Why understandable for one but not two if he continued to feel the same way after the first? It's not likely he'd feel differently or have better decision processes just by having an affair.

[BetrayedH]

My biggest head mess at the moment is I truly don't believe that my H even starts to comprehend the utter devastation I have experienced. I confess that deep down inside there is this horrible little person that Needs him to know, to truly get it.

 

On a superficial level I think he knows how much my brothers suicide hurt me. How it changed my family. I don't think he gets the 'alone' & true loss aspect but at least he can comprehend my pain.

 

His infidelity is all about his guilt. I can't even imagine a RA but I do fantasize that we divorce, he meets a new woman, gives everything to her, changes his life, believes completely & utterly that they are family. He reaches the point that he's completely secure & then she cheats on him! I know it won't be the same, as much of a life screwer but just enough for him to get it.

 

Then I hate myself for being so cruel. Then I hate myself for being so pathetic that his happiness is more important than mine. Ugh! I believe that there is nothing a BS can do to get what they truly need....understanding! That's all I want at this point. Empathy. He stole my love story. He stole my life for NOTHING! She says it was nothing, all in his head. This is my life.

 

How can you believe that you've ever been truly loved when your person, your partner, seems to be so strong, so powerful, during the affair? It's like he got real pleasure by crushing me! I used to earn more money & be more respected in my career. At my lowest moments I think he did it to feel superior to me, to put me in my place...

 

My H wrote to a friend that he sacrificed his Ow. He said "I gave up love & all I got in return was scorn!". I rug swept. I didn't mention it. It damaged me so deeply to NOT talk. It shattered my self esteme to be so pathetic & so focused on his well being. I sacrificed my own happiness by staying quiet & he resented me for his sacrifice!! He says it's not true but he said it.

 

He also wrote to his friend that he doesn't have a filter on his toxic gob. What he says is too true! If that's true he hates me! He accused me of having such a good memory (I used to be idetic) that his whole life is captured on CCTV. As if I'm holding everything to throw in his face later. Is there a human being, BS who just forgets incredible cruelty? I've never reminded him, never thrown anything in his face. I've suffered in silence & I'm still resented for it!

 

Now I fear this will happen again just when I feel safe & it will destroy me. How could I have a RA knowing that I'm hurting another innocent person AND knowing that I'd be hurting my H intentionally?

 

Oh my goodness. I'm sorry! I can't even remember the subject of this thread. I'm having a melt down! I hope something is relevant to subject & I'm not hijacking & venting. I'm just so sorry & sick & tired of being sorry. I think I need to take a break. I'm sorry.

 

You may not get the empathy you need at home, shatteredlady, but there is a lot here. I get it. I've been here 4 1/2 years now. I think many of the BSs are here for the empathy. Someday you'll be here returning it.

 

Take care of yourself. I know your struggles are huge. But I'm confident that better days are in front of you. You'll find them. And they'll matter.

[katielee]

Meant gently, the unhappiness didn't lead to the affair.

 

Completely understood. The unhappiness AND the affair were all my doing. But I need to follow the rabbit hole down, married or not.

[BetrayedH]

All if what you guys have said, yes, for one affair, I get it. I understand it. No, for two.

 

He was no more justified for his affair(s) than you for yours.

 

You were a broken person when you had yours. He was a broken person when he had his. Do you think his first affair fixed him?

[katielee]

Why understandable for one but not two if he continued to feel the same way after the first? It's not likely he'd feel differently or have better decision processes just by having an affair.

 

 

Then why not six, or Do I deserve that too?

[xxoo]

Then why not six, or Do I deserve that too?

 

He didn't do it because you deserve it. It was a reaction to what you did.

 

Did he deserve to be cheated on? Of course not. Neither deserved it.

 

You just have to deal with the crap you each did and stop measuring it. One pound of crap or 6 pounds, the problem is the CRAP.

[katielee]

He was no more justified for his affair(s) than you for yours.

 

You were a broken person when you had yours. He was a broken person when he had his. Do you think his first affair fixed him?

 

If either of us were healthy ppl we wouldnt have chosen affair to deal with pain. Affairs don't fix ppl. They make it worse.

[MuddyFootprints]

If either of us were healthy ppl we wouldnt have chosen affair to deal with pain. Affairs don't fix ppl. They make it worse.

 

Why are you trying to reconcile? 6.5 years out - Lake house be damned

 

Why are you doing this?

[xxoo]

Katie, think of it this way:

 

you had crappy reason to cheat, and he had crappy reason to cheat. Cheating was the wrong choice for both of you, but that part isn't hard to understand since you both chose it.

 

But he had more crappy reasons to cheat. He did.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee.....you are so obsessed by your husbands two affairs...you are so consumed with the pain from his affairs....that you cannot process beyond it.

I understand that this is how you feel...and we cannot help our feelings...and feelings are not right or wrong....they are what they are.....but our REACTIONS to our feelings are what we can control. you are concentrating on your pain....instead of concentrating on the pain you caused....

You have to become proactive instead of reactive. You need to concentrate on healing him more than you concentrate on your pain.

 

I know you say you have been remorseful and you are sorry for what you have done...and i believe you are...but I truly think you remind him how much he hurt you....and he pretends everything is ok because he does not want to deal with it anymore.

 

What is it that you need to do to make him feel safe enough....that he can discuss this with you? You have said he has forgiven you...but have you forgiven him? If you have forgiven him....why is there still such resentment? Why are you still in such pain?

 

God knows I have not done everything right...but i am telling you....when i stopped thinking about my own pain and concentrated on his pain.....we moved to a whole new level in our reconciliation. I am not saying your pain is less important...I am saying prioritize....put his pain first....and stop reminding him how badly he hurt you...because every time you do that...it tells him you come first...and guess what happened when you had your affair? Your needs came first...

 

I think our betrayed spouses need to see that we understand what we did and they need to be reassured we wont do it again. That means putting their needs before our own.....

[MuddyFootprints]

You were convinced the lake house would make you happy. He was convinced that this would smooth things out.

 

Now the purchase of a power washer and vacuum cleaner becomes the trigger...the symbol of control...the ultimate wand of power.

 

Get it together, you two. You obviously love each other to some degree.

[katielee]

Mrs JA and Muddy - look at my original post. It was a positive. But instead I'm taken to task for feeling differently than people think I should, ppl picked apart my post and what? Why are we together 6.5 years later - look at the first post. Jeez.

I may never understand and always have anger over his second affair. I've accepted that. We have a wonderful life. I am making strides to understand myself and THIS, Mrs JA - is how I keep my husband safe. By BEING a better partner. I don't know why you ASSUME I do not do this. I am not obsessed with my pain. What pain? Look at the first post, I occasionally trigger, that is not obsessed with pain.

I do not remind him of how much I hurt him. About every 6 weeks I say, It still hurts. I will say that until I don't hurt anymore. He says it to me too - and I believe him and I comfort him.

I can help him heal but I can't heal him. That is his work to do. I don't agree with you on that and I've seen you mention it to others before. The BS, for the simple reason of being a BS, has healing to do. And other CAN'T do it for them. We can help, but not do the work. We can only work on ourseslves.

 

Get it together? - look at the first post. Things aren't perfect. But they're pretty darn good.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee...

If you are satisfied...if you are happy...that's all that counts.

[road]

Mrs JA and Muddy - look at my original post. It was a positive. But instead I'm taken to task for feeling differently than people think I should, ppl picked apart my post and what? Why are we together 6.5 years later - look at the first post. Jeez.

I may never understand and always have anger over his second affair. I've accepted that. We have a wonderful life. I am making strides to understand myself and THIS, Mrs JA - is how I keep my husband safe. By BEING a better partner. I don't know why you ASSUME I do not do this. I am not obsessed with my pain. What pain? Look at the first post, I occasionally trigger, that is not obsessed with pain.

I do not remind him of how much I hurt him. About every 6 weeks I say, It still hurts. I will say that until I don't hurt anymore. He says it to me too - and I believe him and I comfort him.

I can help him heal but I can't heal him. That is his work to do. I don't agree with you on that and I've seen you mention it to others before. The BS, for the simple reason of being a BS, has healing to do. And other CAN'T do it for them. We can help, but not do the work. We can only work on ourseslves.

 

Get it together? - look at the first post. Things aren't perfect. But they're pretty darn good.

 

 

 

 

I did not read it as positive. In fact I felt many posts were not positive.

 

 

What I read was nothing but justifications for having affairs from many posters. People are forgetting that many times people are faced with things that they do not like and they do not make bad decisions.

 

 

People are human and make bad decisions. Owning those decisions is to simply say I was wrong to do that. Without reasons. Soon as the but, because, if's, you did's, come out of the mouth, one is entering the blame shifting territory.

[katielee]

I agree with you road. Justifications all around. I know I did wrong. Very wrong. But I really want to get to the whys of unhappiness. Simply to have a better life and be a better person and thus a better partner. My unhappiness had nothing to do with him. It was all inside myself and perpetrated by myself. Why I reached for affair as a coping mechanism is really another thread.