Can't make sense of this... What am I dealing with?

[Finding_my_way]

After being in a 13 year abusive marriage, I gathered my courage and separated (waiting for final divorce papers any day now). I was a shadow of a woman, weak, lonely, insecure, lots of body image issues (even though I am slim and pretty). I got back on my feet very quickly and what I believe helped me the most is.... the affair!

 

 

I'm not even sure I can call this an affair, since I am single and free to do what I want. But he has a girlfriend of 8 years. The biggest problem is that we are neighbors. Our houses are one next to another, we park our cars on the same driveway, our windows are facing each other, I can see and hear everything.

 

 

I was always attracted to him but never gave him any signs (they moved in 2 years ago). I never cheated on my ex, never even thought about doing anything so low, even though we were always having problems.

It started in spring, when I started smoking and was going outside to do that. He started coming outside to chat, and one day I broke down and told him everything about my separation (my ex was still living in the house but the divorce papers were filed). I explained why I started smoking, why I lost 40 lbs in the last few months, the stress and sadness, the concerns I was having for my kids, for our future. He also opened up a bit and told me a few things about them.

I told him about the renovation projects I had in mind and he said he can help (which he did, did a great job, I paid him and his friend, all good there). We talked a lot about everything and anything, without hiding from his girlfriend. At one point she became jealous, started giving me the dirty eye, complain to him about chatting too much with me. At that point I had nothing to me ashamed of, I wasn't hiding anything. But he didn't stop looking for my company and I honestly thought we were just good neighbours (I now realise I was so dumb, that was really the beginning of the affair). He started complimenting me, telling me how beautiful and sexy I am, how he loves a certain outfit on me, and so on... I really was innocent at that point but i have to admit it his compliments were like a balm to my ego.

 

 

At the end of April his girlfriend leaves on vacation for a week. By then he invited me several times for coffee (and I said no), we had more chats. He tried hard to get me in his bed while she was away but I resisted. The day after she comes back it happened. He brought his (their) daughter to play with my kids and we were in the hallway. We kissed a long, passionate and savage kiss. That was the best kiss I ever had (and all the kisses that followed). We have an intense chemistry, the spark, the passion and all that (that now I realize is very common in an affair). Maybe it's worth mentioning he is Latino with hot blood... lolll

 

 

We exchanged phone numbers and he started texting me, telling me how much he wants me, to come to the window so he can see me. That evening I had to meet a girlfriend for coffee and he asked me to come to the dog park to see me. I did and we ended up having sex for the first time ( I know, indecent and crazy, I wasn't planning for that to happen). The first few weeks were crazy good (meeting at my place after work for sex,sweet messages, he was all in). He started getting jealous, asking me if I'm seeing somebody else, and checking to see if I was home in the evening, asking me who I was with... It really flattered me (my ex was never jealous, I felt like he didn't care). He asked me if I will have a boyfriend and told me he will stop this when that happens. I told him I am faithful in a relationship and that I don't see this as long term, I explained that I need to protect myself and don't want to fall in love and complicate my life. We agreed that this is an adventure and that it can't last too long or we risk getting caught. I never planned to cause trouble for him with the girlfriend, didn't have any hopes in the beginning.

 

 

The affair went on through the summer, and it remained as intense as the first time. We were seeing each other a few times a day, given the proximity (and having sex every 2-3 days). He started working on my backyard project and we started spending even more time together, we opened up about our lives, our relationships, our problems, the kids, future... and what surprised me was that we were able to be good friends outside the affair. We have similar interests, we like the same music, same coffee, we love to cook, we're just fun people to be around. We had a great time that I will always value and keep close to my heart.

I guess you figured out by now that I got attached. But kept that to myself, tried not to show him anything, never asked for anything more, respected his privacy, his family, and was happy when we had a few stolen moments to connect.

 

 

After my project was over he left on vacation with the family. At their return he came to see me that night (girlfriend was asleep in their house), I could tell he missed me and our time together (not just the sex, but the conversations).

 

 

The next time we were together he dropped the bomb. He asked me during sex if I love him..... he took me by surprise and my answer was no. Asked why, I explained that I don't want to complicate our relationship, I don't expect him to leave his gf and I don't want to get my hopes up. I value what we have the way it is. But honestly I was already infatuated (if not in love) with him and I guess that shows too.

 

 

The next episode twisted me even more: his bday party. He had his Latino (mostly single) friends over and I was also outside with a girl friend relaxing. His friends saw us and badgered him into inviting us over. Man, what a bad idea... but I was craving to be close to him. I think he didn't want to invite me because everybody could tell we were close. We went and had a beer, he was all over me offering a drink,something to eat... a few of his friends started conversation with us and he was watching me very closely. Later I had to leave and drive my friend home but they all made me promise to come back. On my way back he calls me (which he rarely does) to ask me where I am and if I'm coming back to the party. I said I will be back home in a few minutes and yes, I will just put my bathing suit on (pool party) and come back. While I was in the house changing, I hear a knock at my front door and sure enough he is there. We had quick, crazy, passionate sex while his bday party was next door and he dropped another bomb: "You are mine, you understand?" he had me repeat several times that I am his and only his. I don't even understand how he managed to sneak out without being seen and the risks he took just to claim me as his.

I go back to the party and we had a great time, he even held my hand several times, behind his gf's back, literally.When we got in the pool his hands were all over me, I still can't understand how his gf didn't see anything. At one point I had to dodge one of his friends that was getting very close to me and I could see him getting more and more annoyed.

 

 

After the party we planned for him to come over (by then we were so sexually frustrated) but he had to nurse his gf back from her drunkenness and I fell asleep. In the morning I woke up with him in my bed, asking me "you don't want to be mine?" and claiming me again (in the middle of sex, of course).

 

 

But September came with new bombs and new information and new development, which I will post soon (don't want to make this too long).

 

 

Thank you for taking your time to read my experience and sharing your opinions.

Edited October 15, 2015 by Finding_my_way

[Adoraxx]

So what happened in September?

[minimariah]

wait... why was this incredible drama necessary?

 

i don't understand. if you were attached - why didn't you sit down with him and discuss your emotions & next move like a grown and mature person... instead of this Lifetime soap opera you're serving us?

 

why was this affair necessary...? why were you willing to participate in an affair a and ESPECIALLY with one that is so disrespectful...?

 

most folks would have been grossed out by another man trying to hold them in front of their partner - why weren't you? do you find yourself turned on by making a fool out of his girlfriend?

 

QUOTE=Finding_my_way;6597097]

I'm not even sure I can call this an affair, since I am single and free to do what I want.

 

an affair = a relationship where one or two people involved are already attached to someone else, married or otherwise.

 

you're in a relationship with someone who already has a family on his own, so you're most definitely having an affair. also, you being single and free doesn't mean you aren't responsible for potential damage and hurt your affair will cause -- you absolutely are alhought you obviously don't care.

Edited October 15, 2015 by minimariah

[Finding_my_way]

In September we started communicating less and less. I blamed it on the beginning of school for the kids and him working longer hours to supplement for his gf losing her job.

Then one day I find his gf waiting for me with the pretext of wanting to talk to me about something their girl said to me (about her parents fighting all the time). Then she started crying and telling me that he is cheating on her and he has been for a long time. But now it's a young girl (20 y/o) that he had an affair with last year, then he broke it off, everything was great during the summer (go figure) and now he is back with her. He tells the gf that he doesn't love her anymore (he told me the same thing), that he is not sure yet but he might want to start over with this girl. She kept asking me what to do, she can't see her life without him, and so on... I don't even know what i felt... disappointment for sure, realising that he lied to me (which is no shock now, when he revealed his true character)

I tried to get out of that bonding moment but she continued in the next days to text me asking for help and my opinion (I was a psychologist for a few years and I empathize easily with other people's problems).

I decided to tell him all this because I have nothing to hide, this is their mess that I don't want to get involved with. And I was curious about his reaction to me knowing all this. He admitted to being with the young girl (15 years between them), he said that he found somebody to fulfil him (without any remorse that he was telling all this to one of his probably many lovers).

We continued to see each other (not as often) and I tried to distance myself emotionally (didn't work). We still shared sweet moments, crazy passion... but it didn't feel the same to me...

Then one evening I receive THE message from his gf asking me if her bf ever propositioned me or hit on me... I said no, of course not. The reason she was askig was because she found out he did the same with another neighbor in the old building, before moving next to me (and he admitted to that too, even sent me a picture of said neighbor). She then started telling me more about their relationship and at this point I was fed up, I really wanted her to stop involving me because I was hurting too.

So I sent him all her messages and told him it's hard for me to be dragged into a messed up relation, I finally found my balance in life and I feel (mostly) happy.

What he did next shocked me even more: he told her to leave me out of this, to stop involving me. But she wasn't supposed to know that we talk at all. And she did ask me to keep her confessions between the two of us.

So after this she sends me a message that she trusted me and I broke her trust (very true) and she doesn't want our kids to visit and be friends (that hurts me the most) and she doesn't understand why I had to go and tell him about our conversations. We had a short conversation the 3 of us outside where I explained that I have a lot going on in my life and I can't (and shouldn't) be involved in other people's problems. Now she doesn't say hello to me and me and him barely exchange a word when she is around.

 

 

There is one more event that happened yesterday (in a new post, sorry but I am at work and can only take so many breaks)

[minimariah]

if you don't want to get involved - why on Earth do you keep pushing and inserting yourself into THEIR mess and THEIR problems? you do know you can just tell them both to leave you alone and never speak to them again...? why do you keep talking to him, to her about THEIR problems and then gossiping to them what the other one said?

 

break up with him, go NC and find a hobby.

Edited October 15, 2015 by minimariah

[Finding_my_way]

wait... why was this incredible drama necessary?

 

i don't understand. if you were attached - why didn't you sit down with him and discuss your emotions & next move like a grown and mature person... instead of this Lifetime soap opera you're serving us?

 

 

The drama was not necessary and I don't believe I did anything to contribute to it. My involvement with him was supposed to be just about sex, the adventure, no feelings. I was vulnerable after my divorce and I did develop feelings that I decided to keep to myself for his and his family's benefit.

 

 

I'm sorry that you mock my experience as a soap opera (though you are right), I thought this is the right place to get a different perspective on my situation.

 

alhought you obviously don't care.

I really do care, and I never once wished for them to break up. I wasn't the reason they were having huge huge fights, her screaming and yelling, and so on. So many times i was happy that their daughter was visiting and that she was happily playing instead of hearing her parents fight (again).

[Finding_my_way]

if you don't want to get involved - why on Earth do you keep pushing and inserting yourself into THEIR mess and THEIR problems? you do know you can just tell them both to leave you alone and never speak to them again...? why do you keep talking to him, to her about THEIR problems and then gossiping to them what the other one said?

 

break up with him, go NC and find a hobby.

 

 

I am not pushing myself into their mess, they did that to me, they each involved me with confessions. I did tell him I don't want to know and talk about them. I did tell her that I don't want to be involved and I want her to stop telling me about their mess. But this was recent, maybe a week ago.

My fault is that I didn't know when and how to put a stop to this sooner. It's done now.

 

 

I am not gossiping, honestly it was just 2 short conversations with him where I explained to him what I know and I want that to be the last I hear about their relation. I didn't ask for more info from him, didn't push the subject.

 

 

Yes, the best thing for me is to break all connections with him, and move on. How do I do that when there are feelings involved (on my side at least)?

My hands are full with my 2 kids and I have a busy life with work and providing for my babies. I do have friends and hobbies.

How do I go NC with him next door?

 

 

And I forgot to tell you something: most of the time he is the one who initiates contact, not me. But I do respond, so I guess I play my part in this too.

[DKT3]

So you leave an abusive marriage and jump right into this (whatever it is) with a serial cheater who is, for lack of a better word stalking you and keeping tabs on your movements? And why do you identify his jealousy and stalking as showing he cares? I think finding that out is a big step.

 

Getting your out of this situation is easier then you think, once you truly want out.

[Finding_my_way]

Thank you DKT3, that sums up my situation.

Obviously I didn't think when I jumped into this (even though I tried to resist for a few months). I guess the reasoning was that I needed a distraction, something to take my mind off my problems (I know, one starts a new hobby, not gets involved in an affair). I needed affection and attention and in a twisted way believed that his jealousy meant he cares enough (this is my exH doing, he managed to put me down in so many ways).

 

 

I honestly didn't know (or crossed my mind) that he might be a serial cheater and a great liar and manipulator. I guess being in a marriage for so long, I was sheltered by all that.

[minimariah]

The drama was not necessary and I don't believe I did anything to contribute to it.

 

you ENGAGED in it. why? why did you think that having sex with someone who is already involved and has a family would be a good idea?

 

I am not pushing myself into their mess, they did that to me, they each involved me with confessions.

 

no one involved you - you allowed them to involve you. like i said - you could have always said "back off" but you chose to engage and then created additional drama by sending her messages to him - why won't you take some responsibility for your actions?

 

next time people come at you with unwanted drama - stop them and ask them to leave you alone.

 

How do I go NC with him next door?

 

by not talking to him at all when you see him. yes, it's that simple. cut the contact, kids aren't allowed to hang out anymore anyway & do not call him or text him or meet with him. same goes for her if she tries to contact you again.

 

and you should probably see a counselor or a therapist because there is a reason why you got yourself involved and keep getting yourself involved into this entire mess.

[bathtub-row]

About 6 mos after I got out of my abusive marriage, I got into a relationship with a MM. Looking back, I can see how it can happen easily. A man sees a sad, divorced woman as an easy target, and the woman is still reeling from the harsh treatment from her former spouse. She is vulnerable to anyone offering kindness in any form.

 

I think part of why the woman makes another bad choice is because she is afraid to get involved with another man so the MM is safe in that sense - she can keep him at a distance. All the turmoil and drama is also a distraction from the previous crap she was dealing with.

 

I understand what you did but I have to say that if I found out about multiple affairs, that would turn my heart cold and my attraction toward that guy would die a sudden death. I agree that extracting yourself from this situation entirely is the solution. Heck, I have neighbors I never talk to. There's no law that says you can't ignore them.

 

This guy's gf is sadly blind to keep running around trying to find out who else he had an affair with. Just leave already.

Edited October 15, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Minnie09]

He's using you for sex, because you're close by and easy. It's a game for him. Sneaking over to your place while his gf is sleeping next door? Sneaking over for sex while he has a house full of birthday guests? Yikes! And you're apparently not the only OW he's been seeing. Oh boy.

Too bad the kids can't play anymore. I always feel the worst for the kids. They don't know why and what the drama is all about. But yes, I do understand why his GF is mad at you and wont let the kids play and won't talk to you anymore. She trusted you with her relationship problems, and not only have you been sleeping with her life partner, you also gossiped about her to him. Guess what: what she told you was confidential. Thats a massive breach of trust. And she doesn't even know half of it. Jeez.

Break up with him - duh - and try to avoid them both. This is just wrong. Can't believe you feel emotionally attached to this douche.

[Lurkeraspect]

I am not pushing myself into their mess, they did that to me, they each involved me with confessions. I did tell him I don't want to know and talk about them. I did tell her that I don't want to be involved and I want her to stop telling me about their mess. But this was recent, maybe a week ago.

My fault is that I didn't know when and how to put a stop to this sooner. It's done now.

 

 

I am not gossiping, honestly it was just 2 short conversations with him where I explained to him what I know and I want that to be the last I hear about their relation. I didn't ask for more info from him, didn't push the subject.

 

 

Yes, the best thing for me is to break all connections with him, and move on. How do I do that when there are feelings involved (on my side at least)?

My hands are full with my 2 kids and I have a busy life with work and providing for my babies. I do have friends and hobbies.

How do I go NC with him next door?

 

 

And I forgot to tell you something: most of the time he is the one who initiates contact, not me. But I do respond, so I guess I play my part in this too.

 

You really lose your right to be all butt hurt now. You were VERY involved in this couples life and business. And you most certainly did insert yourself into their relationship by sneaking around and having sex with her boyfriend. And then, you take the deception even further by letting this woman take you into her confidence and your acting all caring and innocent. You're not.

 

My advice. Move.

[anika99]

Well one expects that the betrayed will be hurt by an affair but you have been particularly nasty and cruel to the betrayed girlfriend in this situation. You say you are an empathetic person but by reading your posts here it would seem that you are actually seriously lacking in empathy.

 

You engaged in an affair with this girls bf, you let her confide in you, you outright lied to her when she questioned you and then to really add insult you forwarded all of her texts to her scummy man. Wow! Are you sure you're done tormenting her now? Maybe you'd like to steal her dog too?

 

Funny how you complain about her dragging into their mess. You involved yourself in their relationship and their mess when you happily agreed to start boinking her bf. You were already involved long before the GF approached you she just didn't know it.

 

What is so hard about going no contact? Sounds like the GF has already gone no contact, her kids aren't allowed to have any contact with you and now you just have to tell the creepy guy who used you to stop talking to you. What is so hard about that?