Date a man who's separated? ...6 months till divorced

[StBreton]

I've been divorced 1.5 yrs ...married ~18

 

I dated 2 people ...both about ~ 3-4 months ...I broke it off with both for different reasons

 

Have gone on about 15 one and done dates and dated a few people 3 dates each. I know what I'm looking for and can identify it quickly.

 

Done lots of healing ...I'm in a good place emotionally ...definitely ok being single but still like to be part of a couple.

 

My dilemma ...met a man who's separated ...married 25 yrs ...not living with wife ...it's over just waiting for finalization. I really like him ...he's exactly what I've been looking for.

 

Went out last night for a few hours. Talked about meeting soon and going for lunch next week. He called me today and asked me to dinner. Ok that was fast and I feel he's interested. He's already bought tickets for us to a concert at the end of October as well ...we talked about last night and he asked if I wanted to go.

 

Do I let him know ...just friends till divorce is final? I know he's got some emotional stuff to go through. I also know that a guy like him doesn't come around very often ...first one I've met since dating.

 

I have zero issues not getting too invested too early ...I've learned this the hard way.

[itsallamystery]

The first thing that struck me was that you were married a substantial time. 216 months to be exact. You've had 8 months roughly between the 2 longer relationships. So single...for about 9. Also it seems like you've dated quite a lot (not saying any of this is bad mind you) but it sounds like you haven't given yourself enough "you" time. (as corny as that might sound). Regardless though, I would remain friends until the smoke clears and additionally I would set some real clear boundaries as to what that meant. I've seen people go back to their wives multiple times after multiple separations and actual divorces. He's going to have to go through his own process too. It sounds like it can be a good thing if paced right, or a disaster if not.

[Mrin]

My take is different. It really has more to do where he is emotionally rather than whether the divorce is final. Has he dated before? If yes, then I wouldn't worry too much. If not - tread carefully. Divorce status has a lot less to do with it than discovering who he really is post marriage.

[StBreton]

You both bring up valid points and a lot for me to think about.

 

I did get on the dating bandwagon so to speak very quickly ...that was not a good thing as I didn't know what red flags were and that I should have walked away sooner with both short term relationships.

 

I've given myself quite a big of time of late to just be with myself ...with a few dates here and there by choice...because I realized in dating so much early on I was really just trying to drown out the loneliness and sadness I was feeling. I readily admit to some residual feelings of these but I'm in a good place now and still in the process of rebuilding me and a life that I want.

 

Just got home from my date with "K" ...had a great time ...and we talked about the situation. He has not dated at all except for me. I'm his first date in 25 years. I know that doesn't bode well and I told him I'm going to keep my distance ...but still date him because we just click. We already have inside jokes! He is completely set on the divorce ... Apparently it's a mutual decision that's been discussed for years with he and soon to be ex. He says he just knows what he wants and he's set on pursuing things with me. I did tell him to go out and date a little and if he found someone else then that's what was meant to be ...he said he'd be happy just dating me.

 

I'm really concerned with getting my heart broken:(

[Toodaloo]

Go very very slow... Slower than a snail.

 

Until those papers are signed NOTHING is final.

 

I tend to agree that you probably need a bit more "you" time anyway.

[Lois_Griffin]

One of my hard and fast rules when I was dating was to avoid separated men like the plague.

 

That rule served me well.

 

I never broke it, not even once. I had more than one separated guy argue with me about it and tell me I was being paranoid, but I wasn't going to be their dating experiment or the rebound relationship they had after being married for 20 or 25 years.

 

I've found that some men, after having been married for 25 years, are looking to replace the 'mommy' they lost in the separation/divorce because they're used to being taken care of and/or don't want to come home to an empty house. So just like your guy is doing, they try to speed things up because they basically want to replace what they lost as soon as they can.

 

Separated = unfinished business.

 

I think you're very smart for being cautious. Actually you're braver than me because I wouldn't have given him the time of day, no matter how much we had in common.

[road]

As Lois G said. You do not date married people except...

 

 

 

when you are married to them. Otherwise until the divorce they are still married. If you have seen enough of life you will know why this rule should never be broken.

Edited October 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xcupid]

Take it very slowly. He will have unresolved issues from the divorce. That's unavoidable. Emotionally he might be finished with ex wife but it's not unheard of that things get "resolved" and back he goes.

 

You're his "first" since his divorce started. You don't want to be his "rebound girl."

 

Perhaps you should be dating other men until you see how things progress with "K" because you seem to be investing everything in him.

[central]

I broke all these so-called rules. The women who dated me did so as well. IMO, the rules may help people who don't know themselves and aren't good at evaluating other people. They don't guarantee anything, though.

 

I ended my first marriage (24 years), which may be a key factor. I was dating within weeks of moving out. I was emotionally ready in all respects. I dated separated and divorced women - the key factor with all of them was determining if they were emotionally ready to date, and I'm sure they looked for the same in me.

 

Within a year I found a great match. She (divorced a year, married 12) took a chance on me, and when my divorce was eventually final, we got married. We've been together coming up on 16 years, and we have the kind of relationship most people can only dream about.

 

So, IF he is ready, don't pass him up or string this out. You could lose him. If he is NOT emotionally ready, DO take you time. You probably know enough already - or can with a little time and probing - to decide.

Edited October 16, 2015 by central

[kassy]

I would personally keep it platonic until he is divorced and I would tell him to date others and also continue to date others myself. I wouldn't see him more than once every two weeks or so. Having seen too many friends date seperated men and it go terribly wrong I would be very straight with him that these are the conditions under which I would see him. But that's me. You need to work out your own boundaries

[kendahke]

What work has he done on resolving his feelings on the demise of his marriage? How much time on his own to get his head straightened out has he invested?

 

The difference here is one between avoiding doing the emotional work and going through the process and being on the other side and done with it. If this guy's divorce isn't even final yet, then he's rushing things, no matter how much anyone else argues to the contrary. Clean up the mess before moving on.

 

As Lois said, he could see you as a replacement to what is familiar to him because while he may say he's ready to move on, jumping into something with someone at break neck speed is a huge indicator of avoidance and distraction, not resolution. Resolution removes the panic of being alone.

[d0nnivain]

There are too many variables. He could have emotionally been over his wife / the end of the marriage long before now or you could be the proverbial rebound. Putting him off does protect you but he also may meet somebody else in the interim.

 

 

If you can manage to date casually with little emotional investment on your part that may be an option.

 

 

Until his divorce is final & he's had a chance to get used to single life, I wouldn't put all of your eggs in his basket.

[Gaeta]

You both have not been out of your respective marriage to engage again in something serious.

 

My general rule of thumb, I do not date men that have not been single for at least 2 years and I don't date men that I am their 'first' after their divorce.

 

I did not come up with this rule just like that, I came up with it after many try and fail.

 

Yes you have a good connection because you make each other feel good but on his end he is just getting his head out of the water, he's gaining some confidence in himself and when he starts enjoying it he won't stop at you, he'll want to know who else is out there. In short words, you are his rebound.

[Mrin]

Ok it really sounds like the divorce status isn't a big deal. What is a big deal is that you are his first dating experience. I hate to say it but that's a massive red flag. I know because I was that guy once. I started dating exactly one week after my ex wife asked me for a divorce. Yikes! I know. Our marriage had been coming to an end for some time so the divorce thing was actually no big deal. We were more great friends (and still are) than lovers.

 

So I found myself out with a work friend that unbeknownst to me had always had a crush on me. One thing led to another...

 

... And it was a complete disaster. Not emotionally or anything like that. It was a disaster because I had no idea how to date anymore. All I could remember how to be was "husband". So consequently the relationship went from sloppy drunken kissing to super serious in about two weeks. And then it imploded from there.

 

So ya. His behavior sounds extremely consistent with me. In fact I can remember having those exact same conversations and me saying the exact same thing.

 

The dude needs to date around and as one of my female friends once told me - f*** his way through an econo-pak of condoms.

 

Best of luck!

[jen1447]

You're not marrying the guy yourself, right? Personally I'd just go for it and let what happens happen. We only live once.

[BluEyeL]

I also never dated a separated man and if I were to date again I'd do the same. Men are sufficiently non-committal anyway, dating someone who is technically still married, and then will most likely go through different phases until he's ready to commit again to a woman is not a proposition with high chances of success. Miracles happen, but since I was looking for something serious, I did not even try to go on one date with a separated man. Why make it hard on yourself? There are men out there who are available, go look for one!

 

I think it was good that you dated after your long marriage. That's how you learn, you have to do that. This guy will have to do the same, date, have short term relationships etc. Don't be one of his short terms ones unless that's what you're looking for.

[StBreton]

I also never dated a separated man and if I were to date again I'd do the same. Men are sufficiently non-committal anyway, dating someone who is technically still married, and then will most likely go through different phases until he's ready to commit again to a woman is not a proposition with high chances of success. Miracles happen, but since I was looking for something serious, I did not even try to go on one date with a separated man. Why make it hard on yourself? There are men out there who are available, go look for one!

 

I think it was good that you dated after your long marriage. That's how you learn, you have to do that. This guy will have to do the same, date, have short term relationships etc. Don't be one of his short terms ones unless that's what you're looking for.

 

I am looking for a LT serious relationship ...this guy is not available so as many things that feel right with him he's not the right one ...at least for now.

 

That's what it comes down to

[carhill]

Presuming the guy got married young and made it to silver, if he's a typical guy who liked being married and has social standing to be in demand, he'll be off the market before his D is final. If he's in my generation, he'll likely remarry pretty quickly, especially if any kids they have are adults.

 

If his case summary supports what he's telling you, I'd keep showing up until someone says no. You're both older, long married, and have no illusions about how people are or can be. Perfect storm of time of life and life experience.

[StBreton]

Every bit of advice on here has been sooo helpful in sorting out this dilemma. Thank you LSers:)

 

So ...I'll continue dating others and not invest in this guy other than a friend

 

I know he wants more so as much as I'd like to take a chance on him, I will be honest with him and share with him where I'm at. If he's that into me he'll still want me in 6 months.

 

I have told him I think he should date and reiterated that again last night. Not being a jealous person and truly thinking he does need to date ...I'm actually feeling relieved to just let the idea of having a relationship with him go ...if it is meant to be it will be meant to be next year.

 

Can't remember who on here said that dating me will build his confidence and then he'll go searching for someone else but there's truth in that premise. I know I have a lot to offer and am considered a very attractive woman (I used to model in my 20s) I totally see what you proposed happening ...I'm confident in myself but a realist.

 

Letting this go is easier said than done:(

[StBreton]

Presuming the guy got married young and made it to silver, if he's a typical guy who liked being married and has social standing to be in demand, he'll be off the market before his D is final. If he's in my generation, he'll likely remarry pretty quickly, especially if any kids they have are adults.

 

If his case summary supports what he's telling you, I'd keep showing up until someone says no. You're both older, long married, and have no illusions about how people are or can be. Perfect storm of time of life and life experience.

 

Thanks for your prospective Carhill. I enjoy reading your perspective on these threads as I think we're in similar demographics. Yes he got married about 25 and now about 50 ...(he and I are close in age). He does have social standing ...has a very successful business and adult children. He has enjoyed being married but tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with more of a soul mate person instead of a friend ...he and his stb ex are just friends ...he misses a connection and wants more.

 

He likes that I'm a golfer and said he's asked for 20 yrs to no avail. We went for a walk after dinner last night. I knew he had a convertible so I asked him to take me for a ride ...I love convertibles ...he was surprised and said his stb ex would never do that because she'd always be worried about her hair ...and I have long hair but c'est la vie.

 

Writing this I realize K being with me is an eye opening experience and is telling of him processing the beginning of dating. I'm passed that and do not make comparisons ...I just have preferences.

 

Ughhhh ...this is sooo hard ... I like this guy and feel he might not be there if I push him away. Carhill ...if you met someone you really liked ...she held off to give you time to process ...would you date others and still entertain a relationship down the road with a special someone after you'd emotionally processed your divorce? Sorry for the wordiness.

[jen1447]

^ No offense but that's baffling to me ....you like the guy a lot, so you're going to reject him? For fear of ....something, in the hope that ....something magical will intervene later to save the day if it's fated somehow?

[Guyouthere]

I am a firm believer that whatever is meant to be, will be.

 

And sometimes we can want this or that, and go our own way (often as a learning experience), but if two are meant to be together, it will happen.

 

For instance,,,,,

 

I dated a girl for a few years, I could have married her, but it wasn't meant to be,

 

She went off and married a guy who gave her a very good life material wise.

 

BUT, he never gave her love the way I did (according to her).

 

So, in a sense, she traded love for money.

 

She remains married to him, we are friends, and she was there for me when my wife left me. She cared when so many didn't (my ex did damage that way).

 

I am very happy that she is where she is, at least she found what she thought is real happiness.

 

Thats all that counts.

 

But, for whatever the reason, we were not meant to be a couple.

[carhill]

Carhill ...if you met someone you really liked ...she held off to give you time to process ...would you date others and still entertain a relationship down the road with a special someone after you'd emotionally processed your divorce? Sorry for the wordiness.

 

I'm probably a poor person to ask since I chose to eschew dating and women after my divorce five years ago. Most men are not like me. Guys my age, generally, once their everyday mate disappears, cast a wide net to find a replacement. Sex and companionship are important to them. They need it and, IMO, that's not an unhealthy thing. People like being needed and women my age are people too. If the particulars don't preclude getting back into their long-customary routine, that's what they'll do.

 

This guy signaled some of that by inviting you to dinner and making future plans by buying concert tickets for later in the month. He's signaling his style. Is that forever? Unknown!

 

Since this is all new, put all that wonderful dating experience you've had, plus your many years of married life, to work and seek to both enjoy the now and keep eyes open regarding the get to know process whatever truths reveal themselves. Heh, if you make some good memories with your hair flowing in the wind riding in his convertible, then you have. No one can take those times, or any you have, away from you. They're yours forever.

[oldshirt]

^ No offense but that's baffling to me ....you like the guy a lot, so you're going to reject him? For fear of ....something, in the hope that ....something magical will intervene later to save the day if it's fated somehow?

 

I agree and I will go one step further and say I think you are being a wussy.

 

You are wanting guarentees that becoming involved with him won't fail or that you won't get hurt somehow.

 

Sorry Toots, that guarantee will never exist no matter how many of these silly "rules" people are citing are in place.

 

Assuming he's not a complete con man that actually has 4 wives that he's bilking out of their estates, he is a self-actualized, adult separated man waiting for the courthouse to get caught up on the paperwork of his divorce.

 

He is a free, single, adult male who can go out on the town without his mommy's permission and can stay out as late as he wants with whoever he wants.

 

You are a full grown adult woman who can do the same.

 

If you want to go out with him because he's nice and you like his company, then go out with him.

 

Is there a chance he may go back to his wife? Of course. But there's a greater chance some other woman that's not being governed by fear will snatch him up. Central is on the money, men of that generation that aren't hideously obese, falling down drunk or chronically unemployed will have their next relationship in place long before the divorce paperwork is complete.

 

All these "rules" people are talking about are a futile attempt to protect them against something that no-one can be protected from. You are either on the field playing the game, in which case you risk getting bumps and bruises and grasstained. Or you are sitting on the sidelines watching other people play.

 

You are a grown up. Use common safety sense which means don't let him tie you up in his homemade dungeon under the crawlspace and don't let him put anything in your drinks and let someone else know where you are and who you are with. And after that roll the dice and take your chances just like everyone else.

 

I may sound like an ass but I want you to succeed. I will accept your failure if you give it an honest shot and it doesn't work out. But I will be disappointed if you sit on your hands and do nothing because you don't have a signed and notarized guarentee that everything will be fine.

Edited October 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bettermistakes]

I see both sides of this argument. There is definitely more inherent risk with a separated individual, just as there are no guarantees with *anyone* you date. If you are someone who is good at spotting red flags and strong enough to walk away when enough of them pop up, then I would think it's okay to explore this and see where it goes.