Need

[ils3654]

Thank you for reading and giving me your hopeful input. My husband and I have had a real tough couple of years. Together 13, Happy 9 and tough 4 years.

 

 

We had what I thought was a perfect marriage until my brother passed, I became depressed and he supported me while I stayed in bed for 2-3years and cried. A year and a half ago I found out he had an emotional affair for some time during my mourning and had two intimate encounters with this gal. I fell further into despair and although I begged him to stay it hasn't been the same. We attempted counseling but his remorse and anger, as well as my neediness just couldn't sustain us.

 

 

A year in he couldn't take it and left, I commenced an affair as we separated and sold the house. He would say we were getting back and look for a house, then say we need a divorce or time apart as he was mad and transitioning. We went on a long rollercoaster, job & position change, living at separate parents, etc.

 

 

After all this I still love my husband dearly. I fell in love with my affair partner as well and at one point said run and lets be happy... I needed happy so desperately I wanted to run.

 

 

Today my husband knows of the affair and asked for a divorce. I know he loves me deep down but is angry and says he can never forgive. My affair partner was living separate cities but married as well and his wife knows. Everything has become a storm as it unwound.

 

 

We would try and stay at each others or talk and see one another, then back to our affair partners or in essence ping pong. His wife, my husband, and each of us are all over the place. I am sooo utterly confused.

 

 

I have done counseling, medication, meditation, spiritual healing and anything to get me on track. I am reading self help, youtubing, going on emotional damage retreats.. I'm just completely trying

 

 

My emotions on what will work long term, the guilt, the desire for happiness, its all pulling me in directions. I'm off all the meds and in routine life coaching with a holistic approach but get sad, confused, afraid , feel abandon, wanting to please everyone and not be alone to the point I don't know what to do.

 

 

Can anyone give me any guidance?

 

 

Although in essence living apart I have a hard time and consider it an affair, I was never upfront. I wrecked another marriage in flux as well (or we did) and am heartbroken over it all.

 

 

I cant beg my husband since I have done soo wrong and don't know if he can ever be "us" again yet I miss "us" and am so guilty and torn. My affair partner brings me joy but I worry how it would affect what would be my husabnd ( or ex if happens, so sad) , his wife, and if we could sustain this all.

 

 

There are days I think I just deserve to be miserable but cant be sad anymore its completely unhealthy.

 

 

Any advise is welcome. I apologize for the length and confusing email. I don't want to go to my friends as I feel they must be tired of it all.

 

 

Thank you truly.

[BetrayedH]

I've been around here a long time. I've seen an awful lot of people try to recover their marriage from an affair and I've seen affair partners try to make their relationship work.

 

What I can tell you is that very few of them make it, with either approach. In the best of situations, it takes 2-5 years for recovery.

 

Unfortunately, yours is not one of those best-case situations. You had a mutually dissatisfying marriage, your H had an affair, you had an affair, two families are destroyed, and people are in limbo all over the place.

 

Honestly, my advice to you would be to proceed thru a divorce as amiably as possible. And leave your affair partner to either reconcile with his wife or divorce her - without your presence in the scenario at all. Give yourself some time to heal and find a new direction in life. But also be determined that you'll not waste the time on depression. Accept that this has become too much of a mess to fix and that the only choice is for everyone to choose a new path and pursue it.

[froz]

I agree with the first responder, it's hard but one has to move on slowly but surely. You can do it!

[Mr. Lucky]

We had what I thought was a perfect marriage until my brother passed, I became depressed and he supported me while I stayed in bed for 2-3years and cried.

 

You kind of glossed over this but it may have much to do with your husband's concerns about your marriage.

 

The loss of a sibling is substantial, don't want to minimize it. But to become bedridden for 3 years could leave your spouse disconnected and detached, wondering what might happen next.

 

Were I your spouse, that would have to be addressed first before I could have faith in our relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ils3654]

Thank you for your kind responses. A lot did have to do with my brothers passing. I went from being a strong, happy, live through anything to really depressed person. I focused on caring for my mom and I really neglected "us" I didn't know better. He was there and took care of me (and the family) but he did find a friend who eventually became more.

 

 

I believe I am now past my brother and I can see the light on his passing, my mom making it through this loss, and can really focus on what I want in life with my partner. I am also past his affair which took a long time and unfortunately mine to realize how it could happen, the lack of intimacy after, the anger, etc.

 

 

With my affair now he is angry again. Anger is his worst enemy because he detaches and takes so long, if possible to forgive.

 

 

I have begged in the past during arguments and I don't want to beg and feel like less of a person when it does no good at the end. We live apart and have been for months based on our foreclosure/sale of the home. I don't know if there is anything I can do to even make us better although not living together.

 

 

I feel like a divorce is throwing away all our good memories, hopes and dreams yet we are both so unhappy. I know everyone says move on but its hard to release all that, how do you get there?