smile88 Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone. Thank you for coming in here. This is a very a long story but I will try to make it short. I am 27 and my husband is 28. We are an international couple from Australia and Korea. We both met when I was 23. I fell for him because I believed he was different to the other guys I dated; caring, considerate, affectionate and responsible. At the time we had strong feelings for each other so we both got married quickly, after a year of dating. The other reason we got married was so we could get a spouse visa for him to stay in Australia. Let me also state that my husband was travelling on a work holiday when I met him. He is quite an independent and self sufficient person. He told me when he decided to marry me that he wasn't the marrying type; he didn't picture himself being married until age 40. Until he met me and he changed his mind. He also gave up university (he deferred to travel to Australia) and to stay here permanently because of me. Time went by and we had ups and downs like any normal couple. We didn't fight frequently. At times the language barrier was an issue but I didn't believe it was a serious one. I am an introvert and can be quite an emotional person, so I had frequent mood swings. Sometimes the atmosphere was quiet between us but I didn't think it was a big problem. Last year, we held our wedding in korea. The month we had our wedding, there was a lot of stress involved due to financial issues and disagreements. I admit that I wasn't the nicest person to him during this time and I was unhappy sometimes about how he went out late at night with his friends and didn't come home till very late or didn't text me. The other thing was, because I can't speak korean.. I had difficulty communicating with his friends so it was hard for me to express myself and be talkative to them. After the wedding, I went back to Australia so I could apply for citizenship and he stayed in korea for 2 months to see if he could start a business there. During this two months, it didn't work out so he came back to Australia. When he came back, he was acting a bit weird; so I asked him about it. He told me that the reason he came back quickly was that he missed korea and his friends and he felt that he was starting to get used to life there without me. He was afraid that he would forget what life with me was like. He also said that when he saw other korean couples, he would feel a bit jealous because they could laugh and joke with each other and it wasn't the same with us. He attributed it to the language barrier and me not being talkative enough. After that incident, we decided to settle interstate and try out a new environment to live by ourselves (outside my parents' home). We were okay for a short while, but problems started to pop up. He was having work related stress and we both didn't communicate enough. We would be at home and not have much to say to each other. At this time, he started going out more often and coming back quite late, sometimes drunk. He wouldn't text me to tell me what time he would come home and I became really frustrated. I watched a few self help videos online and it helped me to think more positively and do more positive things for our relationship. However, things came to ahead and we had a serious discussion. Firstly, he told me he changed his mind about having children. Apparently after the experience of wedding/financial stress, he did not want to have children anymore as he's not ready for it. He also told me he felt guilty that he could see me trying but he didn't feel like trying. I asked him why and he said he didn't know. I asked if he still loved me and he said he still does. I guess it was a sum of factors; from being disappointed the business didn't work out in korea, work stress, us not communicating enough etc. He often felt exhausted from work and he didn't feel like talking to me in english because he was tired. We talked about how maybe we got married too young and questioned if we were right for each other. The issue of "breaking up" and divorce was also brought up. In my sadness, I suggested maybe if we separated for a bit, it might help. At the time I wasn't thinking clearly. After that episode, things got worse. I found out he was confiding about our marital issues with his friends who gave him advice not to live his life for another person and to do what he wants. He felt sad that he sacrificed to stay here but our relationship was not going well. One night, he came home really drunk and I didn't hear from him. It was the last straw for me and I snapped. I was so angry the next morning I sent him an angry text at work. When I came home, he was suddenly so different. He treated me nicely and cleaned the house. He talked to me and told me he was sorry and he realised that he wasn't being a good husband. He wanted to treat me better from now on. He also said when I mentioned separation, he was really shocked and he didn't ever think about divorce until we brought it up. Things improved from then, he also got a new job that he liked so everything was okay. However he also said that since that episode, our relationship hasn't recovered to 100 percent.. I understood since it took time. Fast forward.. one day he came home from work and told me he wanted to start a business in korea associated with the company he was working for. He said he didn't tell me he before because he wasn't sure whether it would be approved but it has. He mentioned we would need to be separated for at least 6 months since I would need to reapply for citizenship (so I don't lose my pr status in Australia if I move to Korea). And also to wait for the business to settle down so we can rent an apartment over there without needing to stay at his parents' house. I was sad but didn't stop him because this was what he wanted to do for himself. So, he went over. Initially, the communication between us was okay. He texted and called me when he arrived. However over days and weeks I felt like I pretty much initiated most of the contact and he didn't text or contact me on his own account. Sometimes when he replied me he didn't say much or share much about what is happening with him over there. He also didn't say much affectionate things like "i miss you or i love you". He did initially when we first separated. I accepted the fact that maybe he was busy starting up the business, meeting different people and settling in. I kept subtly telling him, "oh why don't you text me more or call me". Or, "it will be nice if you wished me goodnight once in awhile". He said he would, but nothing happened. It came to ahead when his mother texted me and I found out it was her birthday but he didn't inform me about it. I asked him why he didn't tell me about it and that he was being weird by not talking to me or telling me what's happening. He responded by saying that he was sorry, because he was busy and he will talk to me more. He said he just wanted to concentrate on the things that are happening over there. Since that time, I decided to test whether he would initiate communication if I didn't. What do you know... 6 days went by and nothing. I became quite frustrated.. so I decided to call him and ask him what was wrong. At first he said everything is okay, and he said there was nothing for him to talk about with me. I pushed it a little and THEN he asked me if I was ready to hear what he was about to say. He said that he was instead going to tell me a few months later. At that time, I was so nervous.. I was so afraid to hear what he was going to say but I decided to face it. He told me after moving back and being occupied with the business etc. With the distance, he wanted to see how strong his feelings for me was and to think about our relationship. I asked him if he still loved me. He didn't answer for a long while, so I said "I will take it as a no". He said he didn't answer Yes or No, he just isn't sure and he doesn't know what love is. I was so devastated.. I started to cry, I couldn't believe that this person I saw just 2 months ago was now being so cold and distant. I asked him many questions, mainly me talking and him listening. He didn't comfort or reassure me. He said being over there with his friends and family, he realised he liked to socialise and talk and was happy. But when he's with me, he didn't feel the same way.. that he could talk freely and joke happily with me. He thought I was too quiet, plus with the language barrier, it wasn't good. He was telling me he felt happier being over there without me.. basically the same issue he told me last year. I told him being distant from him also made me realise I needed to change myself and appreciate him more. I tried to convince him to work on our relationship, that this distance was not making things better with our issues. In response, he said the reason why he didn't agree to work on things together was because he felt these issues popped up one year and a half ago and dragged until now. He thinks that our personalities are not compatible. I asked him what I was supposed to do now.. Am I supposed to wait or move on.. He said he wanted me to live my life and try to be independent. I didn't ask him if he wanted a divorce and he didn't mention it. He told me he didn't want to deal with this issue now and doesn't want to think about it now. He said to give him time and see what happens. I asked him how long is enough and he didn't give me a specific answer. I said won't this distance make our relationship worse and he responded saying it's not necessary, it may be a positive thing for us. We might miss each other more.. Anyway I told him I was going to move back interstate or back to Singapore for a bit while my citizenship application is pending. He told me to let him know what my plans are so when he can take time off, he will come to me. I was so sad at that time.. I started to break down. I told him I was glad I knew the truth now.. rather than later and I thanked him for being honest. Then I said sorry and thank you for everything and I hung up. I couldn't stop crying at that stage and I didn't want to continue to do that on the phone.. After that call, he texted me and said I didn't need to say those things. I am still his wife and that he wouldn't tell his family anything. He told me to take some time, be happy and independent. I didn't reply to his text. I don't know how to describe how I am feeling right now. To put it simply, I feel like my world has just crashed down, all my hopes for a future with him is gone. My world revolved around him...and it's just empty now. I can't accept that this person that I saw 2 months ago is the same person now. So cold and distant... and uncaring. I was shocked that he could keep these issues inside and not communicate with me about it.. and kept pretending everything is okay. I can't believe that this is the same husband I married. I keep beating myself up over this thinking it's my fault, if I was different maybe we wouldn't end up this way. I feel so empty and helpless. My heart was broken into many pieces from that phone call. And the worse thing is he probably knew how much he hurt me and yet he didn't show that he cared. What am I supposed to do... I feel like at this stage.. I have no positive thoughts for us and that divorce is coming. I feel like I am mourning the death of our relationship and marriage. Thank you for reading. Edited October 16, 2015 by smile88 Spacing
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Have you ever tried living in Korea with him? If you two are going to fix this you need to be together. Living apart is making it worse. In the short term, I'd also invest in language classes for you both so you both become fluent in the other's native tongue. You also need to set guidelines for communicating while apart. DH goes away for 6 weeks at a time every few years. Even if we are apart for 1 night we now have a routine. We talk on the phone every day between 5 pm & 7 pm. We text good night before we fall asleep (usually at vastly different times) and good morning when we wake up. We're lucky in that when he's away it's not that far so I drive the 4 hours to be with him on weekends. My point remains that going 6 days without talking to your husband is a problem & the silence is exacerbating the problem. If one of you isn't willing to do those minimal things, just give up now.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 If one of you isn't willing to do those minimal things, just give up now. Certainly agree with this but it sounds as though he's already made his decision. In the choice between you or his home country, he's chosen Korea. Also I've had a number of Korean friends through business and the men typically have quite the nightlife away from wife and family, at least by Western standards. His drinking and late nights may be the cultural norm for him. When you say "we decided to settle interstate", do you mean in a different state in Australia? Mr. Lucky
Author smile88 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) Certainly agree with this but it sounds as though he's already made his decision. In the choice between you or his home country, he's chosen Korea. Also I've had a number of Korean friends through business and the men typically have quite the nightlife away from wife and family, at least by Western standards. His drinking and late nights may be the cultural norm for him. When you say "we decided to settle interstate", do you mean in a different state in Australia? Mr. Lucky Hi guys, Thank you so much for your replies. Yep, it's a different state in Australia! I tried staying with him in Korea for weeks at a time and I was there for 3 to 4 months last year for our wedding. So it's no problem at all if I go over there.. I would like to actually but... we have a bigger problem. I found out that there is... there is a bigger underlying issue to all this now. I had a talk with him on the phone yesterday. He was so much nicer to me on the phone.. I was surprised. But I am devastated at what he said after.. He said that he the reason why he was so harsh and cold on the phone was because he was sensitive and stressed out recently and he didn't really mean the hurtful things he said on the phone. He LIKES the way we are right now. As in, the status of our relationship; Him and I living separately and doing our own things for now. He doesn't think there is a problem with our communication and he is happy with it. He said those things yesterday because I tried to change this status (of him having his own time and space) and he didn't like that. He then told me that he loves me and he wants to stay married HOWEVER he does not like the life of being a married man and having responsibilities. He wants the freedom to focus on his work and career and does not want any distractions or responsibility to me or to anyone else at this time. I asked him how long does he want us to live separately like this and he couldn't answer me.He said it depends on how well the business goes and depending on whether his feelings change. I told him I couldn't live like this... being married and not sharing the same life, but living separately and living in uncertainty waiting for him to be ready. He said he will come to me later on when he's ready.. He also asked if I wanted to break up now and then a year later he will come to me when he's financially ready and mentally ready to settle down. I asked if he is willing to give up his lifestyle for me or at least compromise, I go over there and still give him his own space. He didn't answer for a long time.. and said he can't give it up. He said if I stayed over there with him, I would distract him from what he wants to do and he would feel lazy and unmotivated to focus on his career goals. I am SHOCKED. I can't believe this. This man who told me that I changed his mind about marriage when we first met is now telling me that after being married, he isn't happy with being stuck in a married lifestyle and isn't ready to be married after all. He was the one who gave me hope about moving over to korea and finding an apartment for us to stay in... now changed his mind??? I don't understand how he can hide this feeling in him for so long. Also... he talked about what his personality was like to me. This was another thing that shocked me. He said that he's terrible, he knows he is selfish and he can be cold and harsh. He doesn't really care what other people think and he accepts the way he is. He knows what he is doing is wrong yet he can't help it because it's the way he is. I asked how he can just not feel pain or think about the memories we had together? He said he can feel pain but he has the ability to shut it out or block it out. He blocks the past out and only focuses on the present and future. He doesn't keep any things related to the past. I feel kind of like a fool. I am so shocked I never thought that the person I married was like this. Either I was blind or a bad judgement of character or he was really good at hiding his true personality. Years ago I would have said this description of the way he is is crazy. I don't know what to do. I feel like this situation is hopeless and pretty much a gone case. Sure if we had issues we could try to fix it but I can't fix him as a person and he is pretty much telling me that having this lifestyle of focusing on his goals, time and space is more important than me being by his side. And he is not mentally ready to settle down in a marriage. *Pulls hair out* Edited October 17, 2015 by smile88
Author smile88 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone, I will try to make this short and simple. I need your opinions on this situation I am dealing with right now.. so thank you! My husband is 28 and I am 27. We are an international couple who met in Australia. We both liked each other very much when we met and got married within a year of dating due to us feeling very strongly for each other and partly because of visa issues. My husband was 24 when we got married. At the time he told me he wasn't the type and couldn't picture himself getting married until after the age of 40 at least as he liked his independence and freedom to do the things he likes with no obligations to anyone else. He told me meeting me, changed his view on marriage and he could see a future with me. FAST FORWARD to now, about 4 years later. We have settled in, and lived together and had our wedding last year in his home country, korea. Right after the wedding, I came back first and he stayed there for about 2 months. When he came back, he felt a bit different and I asked him what was the matter. He said that he missed being back there and was happy hanging out with his friends and enjoying his independence... so much so that he started to forget what life was like with me. After that, we moved to another state (to try out something new) and started to live by ourselves. We had issues during this period, mainly because he liked going out a lot and drinking with his friends and communication issues. There was also kind of a "rock bottom" period where we said that maybe we were too young to get married and questioned if we were right for each other. Anyway it was kind of resolved and things started to improve. After a few months, he decided to head back to korea and start his own business. I let him go while I stayed here to sort out my citizenship application. The communication between us started to dwindle and became almost non-existent. I was always the one to initiate contact and he didn't speak much to me. Frustrated, I called him to confront him. He felt so cold and distant on the phone...He said there was no problem at first, eventually, he told me as a result of this distance he wanted to see how strong our relationship was and how strong his feelings were for me. I asked if he still loved me, he said he wasn't sure and he doesn't know what love is. I broke down on the phone.. I couldn't believe it! What is going on??? He told me to give him some time and we should just try to live our lives and for me to be more independent. He would come and find me later when he has time off. I was so upset and broke down.. I just said thank you for everything and hung up. He contacted me two days later.. I found out that there is a bigger underlying issue to all this now. He was so much nicer to me on the phone.. I was surprised. He said that he the reason why he was so harsh and cold on the phone was because he was sensitive and stressed out recently and he didn't really mean the hurtful things he said on the phone. He LIKES the way we are right now. As in, the status of our relationship; Him and I living separately and doing our own things for now. He doesn't think there is a problem with our communication and he is happy with it. He said those things yesterday because I tried to change this status (of him having his own time and space) and he didn't like that. He then told me that he loves me and he wants to stay married HOWEVER he does not like the life of being a married man and having responsibilities. He wants the freedom to focus on his work and career and does not want any distractions or responsibility to me or to anyone else at this time. I asked him how long does he want us to live separately like this and he couldn't answer me.He said it depends on how well the business goes and depending on whether his feelings change. I told him I couldn't live like this... being married and not sharing the same life, but living separately and living in uncertainty waiting for him to be ready. He said he will come to me later on when he's ready.. He also asked if I wanted to break up now and then a year later he will come to me when he's financially ready and mentally ready to settle down. I asked if he is willing to give up his lifestyle for me or at least compromise, I go over there and still give him his own space. He didn't answer for a long time.. and said he can't give it up. He said if I stayed over there with him, I would distract him from what he wants to do and he would feel lazy and unmotivated to focus on his career goals. I am SHOCKED. I can't believe this. This man who told me that I changed his mind about marriage when we first met is now telling me that after being married, he isn't happy with being stuck in a married lifestyle and isn't ready to be married after all. He was the one who gave me hope about moving over to korea and finding an apartment for us to stay in... now changed his mind??? I don't understand how he can hide this feeling in him for so long. He also talked about what his personality was like to me. This was another thing that killed me. He said that he's terrible, he knows he is selfish and he can be cold and harsh. He doesn't really care what other people think and he accepts the way he is. He knows what he is doing is wrong yet he can't help it because it's the way he is. I asked how he can just not feel pain or think about the memories we had together? He said he can feel pain but he has the ability to shut it out or block it out. He blocks the past out and only focuses on the present and future. He doesn't keep any things related to the past. I feel like a fool. I am so shocked! I never thought that the person I married was like this. Either I was blind or a bad judgement of character or he was really good at hiding his true personality. All the long, I thought he was a responsible, caring, mature and loving person. Years ago I would have said this description of the way he is now is crazy. I don't know what to do. I feel like this situation is hopeless and pretty much a gone case. Sure if we had issues we could try to fix it but I can't fix him as a person and he is pretty much telling me that having this lifestyle of focusing on his goals, time and space is more important than me being by his side. And he is not mentally ready to settle down in a marriage. I feel sick.. Edited October 17, 2015 by smile88
Mr. Lucky Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I don't know what to do. I feel like this situation is hopeless and pretty much a gone case. Sure if we had issues we could try to fix it but I can't fix him as a person and he is pretty much telling me that having this lifestyle of focusing on his goals, time and space is more important than me being by his side. And he is not mentally ready to settle down in a marriage. Hard to hear, but the truth is he's actually doing you a favor by being brutally honest. Some guys in this situation would string you along even more, costing you another 5-10 years of your life. At least now, you can make decisions and plans to move forward. He doesn't seem interested in either compromise or protecting your feelings. Under those circumstances, hard to stay married... Mr. Lucky
Got it Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I am so sorry OP. I think he is clearly telling you who he is and what he wants and I don't think you have any choice but to listen to him. I don't see any flexibility here and your best recourse is divorce. I am terribly sorry.
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I agree with got it....not much you can do. File for divorce and start a new life..you won't really have to adjust he has not been around most of the marriage.
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 He doesn't want to be married in any true sense. You tried. He didn't. There is only one thing left to do now. Sorry. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 It's over, OP. This isn't a marriage by any normal definition. I would file for divorce so you can be healthy and happy with someone who actually wants to be your husband. This guy very clearly doesn't
Els Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Sorry to hear things didn't work out, OP. Don't blame yourself - if someone isn't ready, there's nothing you can do to change that. Good thing you didn't jeopardize your citizenship application by going to Korea with him! Don't drag it on, let him have the divorce he craves. You'll be fine, you have a whole life ahead of you in Aussie and you will meet other guys who actually want to be with you. All the best!
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