Keeps inviting me to his house, is this a red flag?

[Hope87]

Hi all,

 

Not sure if this should be posted under the breaking up section or dating section. Anyway I'm going through some emotional challenges with a guy I was seeing. He said he's not ready for the level of commitment I require etc and I've been trying to nurse a slightly broken heart following the decline of the relationship. I've gone three weeks without any contact so far and I'm trying to move on.

 

So recently a guy from my past re-established contact with me. I met him earlier in the year and we went out a few times but things fizzled out because he was dealing with some work issues so he stopped making an effort and things fizzled out. Well, he got back in contact with me after a few months of silence and seems very keen this time around..he contacts me consistently, always asks us to meet up ( I've accepted only one invitation and declined about 5 offers). So, yet again, he's just messaged me asking what I'm doing this weekend and if I want to hang out.

 

Now here's the thing, the last time I agreed to hang out with him (a few weeks ago), we didn't go out. He picked me up and we went over to his house. It was a bit late so I didn't want to make a fuss or anything. However, today, he's invited me over to his house, again this weekend. I've agreed to meet with him but I suggested we go out somewhere as well and he responded saying "okay". .

 

Question is: should I assume he's only interested in sex hence why he's inviting me to hang out at his instead of taking me out? Can this be interpreted as minimal effort on his part? He knows I'm not interested in a casual relationship because I've been very vocal about it. He also knows I'm not willing to have sex outside a committed relationship because we had discussed stuff like this in the past. I think he respects my position ( even though he may not necessarily agree with it) because the last time we were at his, we watched a movie in.his bedroom/ on his bed and he made no attempt to get physical. Then again, my body language certainly didn't encourage him to do so ( i was friendly but nothing more).

 

So question in a nutshell is, should I insist we go out somewhere outdoors? Should I write him off? To be honest I'm still emotionally raw because of my last relationship and I'm not even sure I'm emotionally available ( still have feelings for the guy I'm trying to get over) so maybe I'm just looking for any excuse to write this guy off lol. At same time I don't want to let go of someone who might have a lot of potential. I mean I was once attracted to him afterall.

 

Opinions would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading

[xcupid]

Sounds like this new guy is only interested in sex. Otherwise he'd be making an EFFORT to romance you.

 

You're playing with fire going to his house and watching movies in his bedroom on his bed.

 

You'd be better off healing from your break up first and starting fresh IMO.

[kgcolonel]

I think you know the answer already. If he seems to be strapped for money to take you out, you might suggest a picnic or walk around a greenbelt, something very inexpensive.

 

Do you have the ability to have meaningful conversations with him? If so, how does he respond to your position on the need for a commitment before sex?

 

You know what your values are, don't compromise on them. Your self esteem is something that you always should protect. However, you can always use a good friend if that is what this turns into.

[Versacehottie]

reappearing guy the effort seems minimal. If he was trying to show you that things have changed (when you broke up before for his lack of effort), he would take you out. My advice is to not go along with plans that involve going back to his house. You want to see what he really wants that will give you the answer in no time. Assert yourself. You don't have to do it like a nag or sternly or in a reprimanding way. You can do it teasingly, playfully. If he doesn't have a good answer for what you are going to be doing on your dates, teasingly tell him to contact you when he figures it out and then pull back. Like he's the idiot for even suggesting "nothing" "hang out at my place". You've got to show him that this stuff does not hold your interest. Good luck

[kendahke]

 

Question is: should I assume he's only interested in sex hence why he's inviting me to hang out at his instead of taking me out?

 

No.

 

You should ask him if he's only interested in sex hence him inviting you to hang out instead of taking him out.

 

There is no need to assume anything here--open your mouth and ask him why he wants to bring you to his house instead of being out in public. You say he knows how you feel about the casual sex, etc. How? You spoke up. Do it now. It's a bit too soon for "netflix and chill", which is what his behavior smells like.

 

You've spent more time away from him than with him, so if the question scares him off, then good riddance. It would appear his intention is casual sex---if you go along with it, then it means you go along with his intention.

[d0nnivain]

My take isn't so much that he only wants sex but that he's lazy & doesn't care all that much about you. He's also either broke or cheap.

 

 

Men who are into you ask you out on dates where you do stuff. Even men who are broke can manage a picnic, a walk / hike, or going antiquing (a fancy name for a date where you shop but don't buy anything).

 

 

Guys who want to hang out or meet up, have little creativity & can't be bothered to put in the effort.

 

 

I would never allow a man to drive me to his house. If things go sideways you have no way to escape.

 

 

I think this guy is all about taking what he can get with the most minimal effort on his part.

[Hope87]

Thanks so much for your responses. I assumed that maybe he was very comfortable around me, because we used to to talk before, so in a sense I'm not a new woman. But at the same time, like someone else mentioned, it's not like he spent a lot of time wining and dining me in the past, so he hasn't actually fulfilled that role yet.

 

@ LG Colonel, I've told him my stance on sex ( it wasn't during a casual conversation about our attitudes to sex in general) and he seems to have a completely different view. He says that he typically starts off relationships with sex ( in order to build a connection first) , which I fundamentally disagreed with because it's too much of a gamble. My body isn't a car for sale not interested in test drives. But I didn't want to impose my perspective on him, so I didn't push it. But I noted his comments and reiterated my view. We are able to have meaningful conversations otherwise.

 

@ versace, cupid, donnivain, kend, funny thing is he's actually not broke. He's from a prominent and well to do family and is also financially independent. I know he's waiting for some deals to come through, but he can definitely afford to take me out, no question about it. Which makes me thing he might just be a cheap stake like you've suggested or perhaps feels he can woo me without actually making any effort.

Me:

[Hope87]

Our most recent exchange via what's app ( just before I created this thread) :

 

Him: plans for the rest of the weekend?

 

Me: nothing major planned.

 

Him: come hang out?

 

Me: eemx okay Sunday might work. But, But we should go outdoors and do something as well.

 

Him: okay.

 

I'm currently away on holiday and I return tomorrow morning. He's been messaging me every other day etc.

[kendahke]

@ versace, cupid, donnivain, kend, funny thing is he's actually not broke. He's from a prominent and well to do family and is also financially independent. I know he's waiting for some deals to come through, but he can definitely afford to take me out, no question about it. Which makes me thing he might just be a cheap stake like you've suggested or perhaps feels he can woo me without actually making any effort.

 

I didn't question his financial ability to take you out. I question his desire to honestly get to know you and build a connection with you that doesn't involve "netflix and chill" on the first dang date.

 

He may feel that because he's got financial wherewithall, that means that any woman interested in him is actually only interested in his money. That could indicate he doesn't have the character to attract women who don't want him for his money. He's learned to live with what he can't rise above.

[Jejangles]

Our most recent exchange via what's app ( just before I created this thread) :

 

Him: plans for the rest of the weekend?

 

Me: nothing major planned.

 

Him: come hang out?

 

Me: eemx okay Sunday might work. But, But we should go outdoors and do something as well.

 

Him: okay.

 

I'm currently away on holiday and I return tomorrow morning. He's been messaging me every other day etc.

 

How old are you guys? Anyone over the age of 25 or so who suggests you "hang out" during early dating is a waste of time IMO unless you are looking for something casual. It shows lack of initiative and lack of interest. He already bailed on you once, he should be putting a little more effort in! I would bail, especially as you already mentioned you aren't really over the last guy you dated.

[kassy]

I'd just message him "what's the plan for Sunday??" and see what he comes back with. If it's really no plan then I'd just end it there as he's not what you are looking for clearly. Not saying he's just after sex, maybe he is, or as others said maybe he's just lazy/not that interested

[d0nnivain]

If he has means, he's lazy & cheap. The exchange below also tells me that you let him continue to treat you shabbily by failing to force him to take action.

 

 

Him: plans for the rest of the weekend?

 

Me: nothing major planned.

 

Him: come hang out?

 

Me: eemx okay Sunday might work. But, But we should go outdoors and do something as well.

 

Him: okay.

 

 

I would have done the following:

 

 

Him: plans for the rest of the weekend?

 

 

Me: I'

m

sure I'll find something fun to do. Make me an offer I can't refuse.

 

 

Him: come hang out?

 

 

Me: Sorry. That's s an offer that's easy to refuse. I'd be up for doing something. What do you think?

 

If he didn't come forth with something I might have suggested an activity. If he couldn't get past hang out, I couldn't be bothered.

[BlueIris]

Listen to d0nnivain here. She’s nailing it.

 

Hope, you’ve acknowledged that you're emotionally raw right now and I think this guy you’re talking about smells it, and you confirm it with your equivocation. Stay away from guys for a looong while and heal up so you don't float into things and instead are feeling strong about what you want and are self-directed.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks so much for your responses. I assumed that maybe he was very comfortable around me, because we used to to talk before, so in a sense I'm not a new woman. But at the same time, like someone else mentioned, it's not like he spent a lot of time wining and dining me in the past, so he hasn't actually fulfilled that role yet.

 

@ LG Colonel, I've told him my stance on sex ( it wasn't during a casual conversation about our attitudes to sex in general) and he seems to have a completely different view. He says that he typically starts off relationships with sex ( in order to build a connection first) , which I fundamentally disagreed with because it's too much of a gamble. My body isn't a car for sale not interested in test drives. But I didn't want to impose my perspective on him, so I didn't push it. But I noted his comments and reiterated my view. We are able to have meaningful conversations otherwise.

 

@ versace, cupid, donnivain, kend, funny thing is he's actually not broke. He's from a prominent and well to do family and is also financially independent. I know he's waiting for some deals to come through, but he can definitely afford to take me out, no question about it. Which makes me thing he might just be a cheap stake like you've suggested or perhaps feels he can woo me without actually making any effort.

Me:

 

oh yeah, I didn't even weigh in other whether he is "cheap"or not. But he is putting minimal effort in and is being lazy. He is "cheap" when it comes to you, which sucks. People spending their money on the things that are important to them; thus if he's not trying to show you that you are worth the effort in terms of how he spends his money, tries to impress you, he's lame and you should be offended. If he is cheap and miser-ly overall, which is possible, I still can't see why you would want to go there. I think he feels like he can woo you without any effort primarily and yet to be seen if he is actually cheap. But yeah not good.

[Lois_Griffin]

Our most recent exchange via what's app ( just before I created this thread) :

 

Him: plans for the rest of the weekend?

 

Me: nothing major planned.

 

Him: come hang out?

 

Me: eemx okay Sunday might work. But, But we should go outdoors and do something as well.

 

Him: okay.

 

I'm currently away on holiday and I return tomorrow morning. He's been messaging me every other day etc.

The whole extent of this guy's so called 'efforts' toward you have been ZERO. Jesus, he doesn't even have to get off the damned couch with you coming to HIM. Does he want you to chew his friggen food for him, too?

 

The ONLY acceptable excuse for this disrespectful crap would be if he were on house arrest and had some kind of object on his ankle that beeped if he left the yard.

 

Don't waste your time with someone this uninspired to make an effort on your behalf. Jesus.

[mike_89]

I've read the responses and I agree for the most part. He certainly is keen on the two of you being together in his house. Maybe he is just not that creative with dates though. You could suggest doing something fun somewhere else and check his reaction.

I have a question though, what are good date ideas when the weather sucks to not come off as cheap or lazy or uninterested? I usually go grab a cup of coffee and have a walk as a first date, but after that I often just invite girls to my place to make dinner together (because I can cook pretty decent food). Not at a sketchy time like 21:00 but just 17:00 or 18:00 if she can't meet earlier.

I do prefer to do something active like kayaking or canoeing or something involving food like picknicking but that's really no fun if the weather is bad. Like at the moment it's around 5 degrees Celsius here and it's been raining pretty much every day the last 2 weeks, what are good date ideas under these circumstances?

[Lois_Griffin]

 

I would have done the following:

 

Him: plans for the rest of the weekend?

 

 

Me: I'

m

sure I'll find something fun to do. Make me an offer I can't refuse.

 

 

Him: come hang out?

 

 

Me: Sorry. That's s an offer that's easy to refuse. I'd be up for doing something. What do you think?

This is perfect.

 

EXCEPT, I wouldn't bother trying to get him out of the house. His intentions are perfectly clear and if I have to be the one to shame him into treating me with more respect, then I ain't interested.

[kendahke]

I do prefer to do something active like kayaking or canoeing or something involving food like picknicking but that's really no fun if the weather is bad. Like at the moment it's around 5 degrees Celsius here and it's been raining pretty much every day the last 2 weeks, what are good date ideas under these circumstances?

 

indoor rock wall climbing or other sports activity; science museum; brewery tour; stuff like that.

[Timshel]

Hi all,

 

So, yet again, he's just messaged me asking what I'm doing this weekend and if I want to hang out.

 

Now here's the thing, the last time I agreed to hang out with him (a few weeks ago), we didn't go out.

 

Question is: should I assume he's only interested in sex hence why he's inviting me to hang out at his instead of taking me out?

 

 

Dudes hang out and play video games, watch football, drink beer and look at women. They play sports and ride bikes and climb mountains.

 

Women hang out and do all the same plus talk about women stuff.

 

I would love for ladies to figure out that 'hanging out' is not a date. It is not a date!!! If you want to be in a romantic relationship with a guy, do not hang out with him.

 

I hang out with pretty much everyone, including my own mother, EXCEPT my boyfriend. We date, yeah we hang and chill, goof, cook, have sex, shower and sleep. We are in a committed relationship and love each other.

 

If a woman wants to be in a committed loving relationship with a guy, unless you started as friends first, Do Not Hang Out.

 

Also, if you still have feelings for your ex then you should take the time to put him behind before you venture; hang out with your girl friends a bit.

[losangelena]

So, what exactly do you like about this guy? "Hang out?" He couldn't even write a complete sentence? Jesus.

[oberkeat]

Hi all,

 

Not sure if this should be posted under the breaking up section or dating section. Anyway I'm going through some emotional challenges with a guy I was seeing. He said he's not ready for the level of commitment I require etc and I've been trying to nurse a slightly broken heart following the decline of the relationship. I've gone three weeks without any contact so far and I'm trying to move on.

 

So recently a guy from my past re-established contact with me. I met him earlier in the year and we went out a few times but things fizzled out because he was dealing with some work issues so he stopped making an effort and things fizzled out. Well, he got back in contact with me after a few months of silence and seems very keen this time around..he contacts me consistently, always asks us to meet up ( I've accepted only one invitation and declined about 5 offers). So, yet again, he's just messaged me asking what I'm doing this weekend and if I want to hang out.

 

Now here's the thing, the last time I agreed to hang out with him (a few weeks ago), we didn't go out. He picked me up and we went over to his house. It was a bit late so I didn't want to make a fuss or anything. However, today, he's invited me over to his house, again this weekend. I've agreed to meet with him but I suggested we go out somewhere as well and he responded saying "okay". .

 

Question is: should I assume he's only interested in sex hence why he's inviting me to hang out at his instead of taking me out? Can this be interpreted as minimal effort on his part? He knows I'm not interested in a casual relationship because I've been very vocal about it. He also knows I'm not willing to have sex outside a committed relationship because we had discussed stuff like this in the past. I think he respects my position ( even though he may not necessarily agree with it) because the last time we were at his, we watched a movie in.his bedroom/ on his bed and he made no attempt to get physical. Then again, my body language certainly didn't encourage him to do so ( i was friendly but nothing more).

 

So question in a nutshell is, should I insist we go out somewhere outdoors? Should I write him off? To be honest I'm still emotionally raw because of my last relationship and I'm not even sure I'm emotionally available ( still have feelings for the guy I'm trying to get over) so maybe I'm just looking for any excuse to write this guy off lol. At same time I don't want to let go of someone who might have a lot of potential. I mean I was once attracted to him afterall.

 

Opinions would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading

 

I'm a little confused by your behavior. In the beginning you mention that you're trying to move on from this guy, yet you keep engaging him in conversation, and you keep entertaining the idea of spending time with him (just not at his house). If you think your philosophies about commitment differ so much, why are you still keeping in touch with him at all? Why not cut him off and go no contact? Please explain.

[losangelena]

I'm a little confused by your behavior. In the beginning you mention that you're trying to move on from this guy, yet you keep engaging him in conversation, and you keep entertaining the idea of spending time with him (just not at his house). If you think your philosophies about commitment differ so much, why are you still keeping in touch with him at all? Why not cut him off and go no contact? Please explain.

 

There are two different guys. The one she's trying to get over and the one she's currently seeing.

 

It's not very clear. I had to go back and read it a couple of times. The guy in paragraph one is different that the one from the rest of the post.

[Erik30]

I think he assumes you have low interest in him (or he has in you), so he's not really putting in much effort, and doesn't want to spend money on you. And yes, he's probably hoping you'll have sex with him at his place. He might reason that at least he didn't "waste his money" in case nothing happens

[RoseWater]

My best advice is to go to his house once again. But this time have intercourse with him. Then see if he calls you again. If he does, that proves he might be interested in either you as a person or in more sex.

[Miss Peach]

I agree with the PPs. He's either lazy, just not that into you, or after sex.

 

My bet is that since you keep agreeing to come over that even though you say you won't have sex casually I think he thinks he can get it through your actions. It's similar to the women who say "I don't normally do this" when they sleep with a guy early on.