Crazy SIL?

[Pastypop]

My SIL's have never liked me and for some reason always try to stir up some sort of drama. The last time I spoke to them or really saw them was 8 years ago on a family vacation. My marriage was falling apart and I was suffering from postpartum depression. The trip did not go well. After the trip they became even meaner which has resulted in violence within my marriage. Five years ago, I changed my phone number and walked completely away from any relationship with either of them however; they are continuing to cause drama. About every 8 months or so, one them says or does something mean. Why? My kids, husband and I have nothing to do with them nor do we talk about them. My marriage had mostly healed and we are doing so much better now. I found out yesterday that my niece asked my son why I was such a bad person. She is 18 and he is 9. Why would she do that? That was the first time she saw my son in quite a few years as we don't visit or go up for holidays anymore. I told my kids if they get questioned like that again to tell to email me with their concerns and not to talk to them about it.

[d0nnivain]

That is awful.

 

 

Since your marriage is healing I would bring the niece's comment to your husband's attention & make him tell his sister & his niece to leave the 9 year old out of it.

 

 

You are never going to make these people like you but they have no business involving a kid. (the 18 year old is a kid too but she is old enough to be taught the difference between right & wrong )

[Pastypop]

I told him about it but, seriously doubt anything will come from it. Thinking about contacting a lawyer to see if I can pursue some sort of legal action against them. The sad part is, I thought all this foolishness died down. We were going to let the kids spend Christmas though New Year's his family this year but not now. Geez, I'm afraid that might abuse the kids.

[turnera]

Why would your kids be emailing you? Aren't you with them?

[Pastypop]

No, I don't go to visit. I take trips or something when my kids go see them because those people are such huge *******s to me. My husband acts like he doesn't notice. I don't really have the temperament to sit there and take their crap anymore so it's better that I stay away.

[Tayla]

I get where sometimes removing oneself, saves the sanity.

 

I had Two SIL whom for years we would regard at family gatherings. Never getting chunmy, yet we remained civil. My one Sil divorced my bro, and tbh i thought she did the right thing. She moved and kept in touch during major holidays or family events... graduation... birthdays etc. She was especially thoughtful to my mom, her former Mil. My mom liked her as well. Upon my moms death... this lady vanished... I sent her a lovely card to express the years of her gestures ... and how my mom enjoyed her letters and kindness. A few months passed... and when I called her... She was blunt and no where near the person I built her up to be. She kept up the social graces for my nieces... her daughters.,. but she had zero regard for my side of the family.

 

My other Sil ( my ex hubbys sister) spoke ill of my one son... yet I placed it on the back burner as It was her perception and not very accurate. 20 years later... and she falls on hard times... Suddenly my son is her savior... Helps. her move... does some house repairs and lawn work. She glorifies him to folks... then Poof, house sold ... and she is back to being indifferent to her nephew.

 

I really dont dislike these ladies... we each have our lives... i do though.. keep my distance when I listen to their ill words or such when its family. Ppl are an odd lot at times... so i take it with little harm.

Address folks when falseness is prevaliant, dismiss them when its spiteful.

[turnera]

Then here's what I suggest. I take it that your H is traveling there with your kids, right? You need to take your H to a counselor, and explain to the counselor how badly everything has devolved and how HIS family feels comfortable approaching YOUR kids and talking to them about how awful you are, and your HUSBAND does nothing about it.

 

And then let the counselor start working with your husband so he can learn that it's ok to stand up to them and remove himself and his kids if they can't learn to keep their damn mouths shut. If he's like many people, he's been conditioned by his family to be the Giver, the silent one, the one who everyone feels ok stomping all over. Maybe he feels he has to 'earn' their love and he thinks he has to suck up to them to do that. The counselor can help him see how unhealthy that is and give him concrete ways to start getting himself out of that rut.

 

Even if your H wasn't there, IT'S HIS JOB to call them up or visit them and tell them that what happened was unacceptable, and he is done allowing them to trash you. Has he?

[Pastypop]

Over the past few years my husband has gotten better about speaking to his mother when she asks why I won't come visit. When he tells her about the bullying, she just down plays it and blames it on me. It is so bad. Can't wait until the days when we are done with these horrible people forever. Hopefully, it won't be any longer than 10 more years.

[Tayla]

Over the past few years my husband has gotten better about speaking to his mother when she asks why I won't come visit. When he tells her about the bullying, she just down plays it and blames it on me. It is so bad. Can't wait until the days when we are done with these horrible people forever. Hopefully, it won't be any longer than 10 more years.

 

It does sound like a relief goal to attain.

 

I feel sorry though for all involved....to say "forever"? ...That takes some gumption . Used to say that about my sister, we had a tremulous sister relationship...and its without a doubt thru some circumstances neither of us saw coming, that we forgave, sought each others support and moved on in a more mature way . Close the door if you must, yet I hope life gives you both an opportunity to leave the door unlocked ...for you may actually find that at the primal level of humans...is an innate desire to be welcomed and be acknowledged and valued. I wish you peace thru this all though .

[turnera]

What you two are missing is the most important part - boundaries and consequences. His boundary: the family - NONE of them - is allowed to harass our kids. His consequence: we will not visit any more if you can't control your own kids or the adults.

 

It's the only way people learn.

[Pastypop]

No, I really mean forever. I never want to see, speak or hear about these people ever again. They have caused some real drama!! Trying to turn my kids against me too now? Whoa!! Not sure why they started all that up again! I've haven't seen nor spoke to them in 7 years. I have no idea what my nieces and nephews even look like. My husband said yesterday that after his parents died that we probably wouldn't have anything to do with them anymore and I said "damn straight". Geez, you would think they would reach the point of indifference at some point. I have except when they start crap approximately every seven to eight months.

[Pastypop]

Update: Yesterday, my husband finally blocked his brothers and S-I-L's from his email, phone, text and everything. We had a long discussion and decided it was best since this drama has been going on for 7+ years. We found out that another niece from his other brother told my kids I was crazy three weeks ago. He brought all this up to his mom but, I doubt much will get done about it. We have also decided to reduce my husband's visits from 4 to possibly 2 times per year to see his Mom. It depresses me that my kids won't get to know their aunts and uncles like I did growing up as a kid and that I won't get experience being an aunt as well. It's hard to believe that 50 year women can be so mean and abusive. Just hoping it's finally over at least until his parents get sick or something.

[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry to hear this but glad that your husband understands where his priorities need to lie. In that respect you are lucky.