a break and reevaluation

[deadelvis]

She said she want's a break and reevaluation. Does that mean its over?

[carhill]

Our MC opined married people separate to get divorced. IME, mixed bag. One factor I've noticed more than any other, as an inhibitor? Minor children.

 

If separating, since a legal partnership is involved, IMO, it's sound practice to have an agreement of separation. In some jurisdictions, one get get that formalized by a court. In any event, having watched a MW clean out a joint bank account well into five figures in one fell swoop (I was with her at the bank), that underscores how things can go sideways. That particular M went on for another six years, out to 20, before they divorced, having been separated a number of times. Was it coincidental that the kids were either adult or nearly majority when the final split occurred? IDK. IMO, probably.

[casey.lives]

it means she wants to think. However, using the word reevaluation seems shaky. When you evaluate, it should be done together..

[oldshirt]

Here is the direct translations -

 

Break = I want to try someone else on for size, but that may not work out long term.

 

 

Reevaluation = I want you waiting patiently in reserve while I try to make up my mind.

[TaraMaiden2]

She said she want's a break and reevaluation. Does that mean its over?

 

It means something is not working as well as it should and she's not happy with it.

 

What led up to this?

What did you say or do (collectively) that might have brought her to this conclusion?

[deadelvis]

It means something is not working as well as it should and she's not happy with it.

 

What led up to this?

What did you say or do (collectively) that might have brought her to this conclusion?

 

We've had problems over the whole relationship, but it seemed like things were going pretty good recently. But we have started fighting a lot about sex. I have a high sex drive and she has none. When we don't have sex for a while I get depressed and then we're both unhappy. I was depressed for about a week and then finally we got into a big argument about our sex life and she packed up and went to stay at her moms house. She's been there for three days. She barely responds to my texts. Today she said she wants to take a break and reevaluate things. There's nobody else. I know that. And she loves me very much. But she keeps saying things like "we're both unhappy" and other stuff like that. I thought she was just going to end things, but I almost convinced her to come home and see me tonight, but she decided she needs "space".

[TaraMaiden2]

Ok.

So here's what's happening:

 

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."

 

What you guys have been doing, hasn't been working.

 

She's changing the MO.

Because it's not working the way it is.

 

And it will never work, the way it is.

[jen1447]

Is this different than the previous break?

[deadelvis]

Yeah, this happened once before, but this time it seems more serious. More premeditated. And her texts seem to indicate a real and final breakup. I have a feeling tonight she's going to finally pull the plug.

[Methodical]

Yeah, this happened once before, but this time it seems more serious. More premeditated. And her texts seem to indicate a real and final breakup. I have a feeling tonight she's going to finally pull the plug.

 

I can't say I'm surprised by the things that have happened thus far. I think you both will be much happier and hopefully find peace.

[deadelvis]

I can't say I'm surprised by the things that have happened thus far. I think you both will be much happier and hopefully find peace.

 

Perhaps. But we do love each other very much. I've had other GFs and been in love, but nothing so intense as the love (and fighting) in this relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have a high sex drive and she has none.

 

Understand that you'll miss her, but you know long term this is the best thing.

 

Put another way, it's not an act of love to stay in a relationship with someone who makes you miserable...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LoveMyCat]

If you are not sexually compatible, unless you are prepared to just be friends, it won't work out in the long term anyway. If her sex drive is gone, or gone for you, itmis unlikely she was rediscover it to any degree which will match your desires.

 

 

My husband and I stayed together for several years after the sex seemed to have disappeared (health issues on both sides.) But we finally separated a year ago and are in the midst of a divorce. You end up losing a lot of closeness that comes from a sexual relationship in a marriage. You end up really becoming that dreaded word (to me) partners instead. And then it starts to seem like you are not even on the same team after a while.

[Bufo]

She's decided that you are Plan B. Whether or not that involves an OM now or in the near future doesn't matter for what you must do. Maybe it doesn't involve an OM at all. You are the only person who has to live your life. So............

 

There is one question you must answer for yourself. If nothing changes, i.e. the dead bedroom life continues, do you want to live the rest of your life like that?

 

Once you have decided that, the rest of the decision process becomes virtually automatic. If the answer is no, then being the D process. If the answer is yes, then invite her back and treat her as the sibling/roommate she has become.

 

The last thing you want to perpetuate is fighting about sex.

 

There is a third possibility, albeit not a likely one. Maybe she's content in a sexless marriage but will agree that you need not live a sexless life. The so-called open marriage. I don't get it, but apparently some life that life quite happily.

 

I would not suggest an A or series of A's. Way too many have told their tales of woe here from both sides.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think this is for the best. Pretty much everything I've read from you here gives me the impression that your relationship is dysfunctional and unhappy.

 

I've been in a relationship where I had very strong feelings of love and attachment, but various aspects of the relationship were problematic and we could not find peace together. In such a case, I think it's more loving to let the person go than continue making life harder for each other.

[turnera]

Have you done any reading to understand what's going on? To see what YOUR role is in all this?

 

1. Women need you to listen, they need you to remember and they need you to say thank you. We are not asking for much here.

 

You need to listen. A woman needs you to listen to their dreams, their concerns, the way a day has made her feel and the aftermath of her successes and failures. Listening to your wife is one way of showing her that she is not just a reflection glanced upon at the end of each day. It is a way of communicating to her that you know she is complete and important and of worth.

 

You need to remember. And I am not just talking birthdays and anniversaries. (Although I would strongly suggest you don't forget those.) Of course, every now and then remember to bring home your wife's favorite flower or a packet of those pens she loves or tickets to that concert she mentioned a few months back. It is amazing what the simplest gesture will do for a woman that loves you. Also remember who your sweetheart is, remember where she hopes to go, who she hopes to become. And then on the days when the world gets too big and the rooms are too small she can call on you and you can help her remember, too. It is amazing what striving to understand the woman you love will do for the life you have together.

 

You need to say thank you. It can be a tiring place, this happily ever after. Yes, there is love and there are kitchen dances and sweet cream baby cheeks. But there are also sleepless nights and mortgages and post baby stretch marks. Thank her for every long day and long night. Thank her for every smile and laugh out loud. Thank her for your babies. Thank her for the dreams she pursues and the ones she puts on hold. Gratitude is often an action. Show it by washing the dishes, playing with her hair, giving her time and holding her hand. But every once in a while knock her socks off by actually saying, "Thank you."

 

Men! Those three things! That is romance! That is courtship! That is love! And you know what gets women hot?

 

ROMANCE. COURTSHIP. LOVE.

 

2. Take her out on a date at least twice a month. Put on spiffy clothes and take her to a restaurant, museum, movie or stroll around downtown. Open her door and put your hand on the small of her back. Be the boy she fell in love with and she will be the girl that made your heart race. Making out in the car before driving home (while optional) is strongly suggested.

 

3. If you want your wife to treat you like a man, you have to act like a man. Your wife did not marry you in order to raise you. She does not live to wash your dishes, pick up your socks or put the kids to bed by herself while you watch the game for "just five more minutes." (Although she will happily do all of those things once in a while just because she can.) You are not her project or responsibility. There is nothing sexually appealing about a person that means more work, more worry and less freedom.

 

Your wife married you because she decided her life would be richer and more meaningful with you as a partner. Stop trying to prove her wrong. You are her ally in adventure, tedium, fear, joy, laundry, dishes, children, lack and plenty. There is no such thing as women's work or men's work. There is only your life's work together and she needs you to roll up your sleeves and dig in right alongside her. Cook dinner, change diapers and kiss bruised knees. You will be amazed at how much more happily (eagerly!) a woman will share her body when she knows you are there to share all the big and small parts of her life.

 

Side note: If I hear one more of you say you are "babysitting the kids" while your wife is gone, I will start handing out copies of The Feminine Mystique. (And nobody wants that.) They are your kids as thoroughly as they are hers. You aren't babysitting, you are parenting. When she leaves don't make her feel guilty, don't ask her to take the baby with her (she will if she wants to) and don't text or call to ask when she is coming home. They are just children, for heaven's sake. I think you can handle it.

 

4. She needs a moment in each day that is just about her. Your wife needs time and space, two things that are in short supply in a life full of work and play dates and pick ups. She needs room to breathe, create, to stop and do nothing at all. Every woman is different. Some of us dive into bubble baths, others walk under the stars and some (this one included) write until they find themselves at the end of a sentence. Remind her to escape. It will help her remember she wants to come back. When she returns she will be rejuvenated and renewed, the absolute opposite of, "Not tonight, honey. I am too tired." Hint. Hint.

 

5. It isn't any blasted fun. Yikes. There it is. The elephant in the room. Women are more likely to want to have sex when an orgasm is involved and too often, it is not.

5 Reasons Your Wife Won't Have Sex With You | Meg Conley

 

Top Ten Fixable Reasons Your Wife Won't Sleep With You - Dr. Psych Mom

 

20 Reasons Why a Wife Doesn't Want to Have Sex

 

5 Reasons Your Wife Doesn't Want Sex - All Pro Dad : All Pro Dad

[deadelvis]

1. Women need you to listen, they need you to remember and they need you to say thank you. We are not asking for much here.

 

You need to listen. A woman needs you to listen to their dreams, their concerns, the way a day has made her feel and the aftermath of her successes and failures. Listening to your wife is one way of showing her that she is not just a reflection glanced upon at the end of each day. It is a way of communicating to her that you know she is complete and important and of worth.

 

You need to remember. And I am not just talking birthdays and anniversaries. (Although I would strongly suggest you don't forget those.) Of course, every now and then remember to bring home your wife's favorite flower or a packet of those pens she loves or tickets to that concert she mentioned a few months back. It is amazing what the simplest gesture will do for a woman that loves you. Also remember who your sweetheart is, remember where she hopes to go, who she hopes to become. And then on the days when the world gets too big and the rooms are too small she can call on you and you can help her remember, too. It is amazing what striving to understand the woman you love will do for the life you have together.

 

You need to say thank you. It can be a tiring place, this happily ever after. Yes, there is love and there are kitchen dances and sweet cream baby cheeks. But there are also sleepless nights and mortgages and post baby stretch marks. Thank her for every long day and long night. Thank her for every smile and laugh out loud. Thank her for your babies. Thank her for the dreams she pursues and the ones she puts on hold. Gratitude is often an action. Show it by washing the dishes, playing with her hair, giving her time and holding her hand. But every once in a while knock her socks off by actually saying, "Thank you."

 

Men! Those three things! That is romance! That is courtship! That is love! And you know what gets women hot?

 

ROMANCE. COURTSHIP. LOVE.

 

She has a lot of health issues. I've been so incredibly supportive with everything. I've been financially, emotionally and physically supporting her for our entire relationship. I actually don't mind that. I'm old fashioned I guess, because it makes me feel good to provide for my partner. And I really do listen to her. She doesn't share as much as I would like. I'm a big talker, but she isn't. I listen when she talks, but I do wish she would open up more often.

 

I'm so romantic. But she doesn't have a romantic bone in her body. I'm a gushing fountain of love and affection. She's not. I take her on every type of romantic outing and event I can imagine. I google "romantic date ideas" and make lists of fun things to do with her. Remember "Noah" from "The Notebook"? That's pretty much how I role. Her on the other hand... more like "Marla" from "Fight Club"... A lack of effort on my part certainly isn't the issue. I've probably been smothering her. I'm absolutely head over heels in love with her. I don't hang out with my friends anymore. She can't really have a social life due to her illness, so I just stay home and take care of her. But I don't mind. I actually enjoy taking care of her. It's just another way to show her how much I care about her.

 

2. Take her out on a date at least twice a month. Put on spiffy clothes and take her to a restaurant, museum, movie or stroll around downtown. Open her door and put your hand on the small of her back. Be the boy she fell in love with and she will be the girl that made your heart race. Making out in the car before driving home (while optional) is strongly suggested.

 

We go out on dates any time she's healthy enough, which is usually twice a week. I'm such a romantic. I love date night, probably a lot more than she does. I'm the classic "gentleman" with things like opening doors, paying for dates, buying gifts, flowers etc. I spent over $1000 (US) on her birthday gifts last month, and they were extremely thoughtful gifts. I surprise her with little things all the time.

 

3. If you want your wife to treat you like a man, you have to act like a man. Your wife did not marry you in order to raise you. She does not live to wash your dishes, pick up your socks or put the kids to bed by herself while you watch the game for "just five more minutes." (Although she will happily do all of those things once in a while just because she can.) You are not her project or responsibility. There is nothing sexually appealing about a person that means more work, more worry and less freedom.

 

Your wife married you because she decided her life would be richer and more meaningful with you as a partner. Stop trying to prove her wrong. You are her ally in adventure, tedium, fear, joy, laundry, dishes, children, lack and plenty. There is no such thing as women's work or men's work. There is only your life's work together and she needs you to roll up your sleeves and dig in right alongside her. Cook dinner, change diapers and kiss bruised knees. You will be amazed at how much more happily (eagerly!) a woman will share her body when she knows you are there to share all the big and small parts of her life.

 

Side note: If I hear one more of you say you are "babysitting the kids" while your wife is gone, I will start handing out copies of The Feminine Mystique. (And nobody wants that.) They are your kids as thoroughly as they are hers. You aren't babysitting, you are parenting. When she leaves don't make her feel guilty, don't ask her to take the baby with her (she will if she wants to) and don't text or call to ask when she is coming home. They are just children, for heaven's sake. I think you can handle it.

 

I work 40+ hours per week, do all the domestic duties (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.) and spend the remaining time hanging out with her. The house is spotless. She can't even pick up her own dirty laundry and dishes from the bedroom, so after I get off work I clean the house. We do not have children.

 

4. She needs a moment in each day that is just about her. Your wife needs time and space, two things that are in short supply in a life full of work and play dates and pick ups. She needs room to breathe, create, to stop and do nothing at all. Every woman is different. Some of us dive into bubble baths, others walk under the stars and some (this one included) write until they find themselves at the end of a sentence. Remind her to escape. It will help her remember she wants to come back. When she returns she will be rejuvenated and renewed, the absolute opposite of, "Not tonight, honey. I am too tired." Hint. Hint.

 

She doesn't work. She has all day to visit with friends and do whatever she wants. She has her own car to drive. She has plenty of time to do her own thing. I however, have almost zero free time. Between taking care of her, working (I also work freelance on weekends sometimes) and cleaning the house the only time I have left we spend going on dates or spending quality time together. She loves watching TV, I hate TV but I watch her favorite shows with her anyway because I want her to be happy.

 

5. It isn't any blasted fun. Yikes. There it is. The elephant in the room. Women are more likely to want to have sex when an orgasm is involved and too often, it is not.

 

I'm pretty amazing in bed. She's been non-orgasmic for most of her life. I'm the first man to consistently help her reach orgasm. I'm not a selfish lover in any sense of the word. She told me I perform oral sex better than any of her previous lovers, and this includes numerous lesbian lovers. Sometimes the sex is painful for her, but I've been trying to be gentle. She has zero sex drive. Between her illness and the various medications, her already low libido has dropped to zero. When we do have sex she enjoys it and says I'm one of the best lovers she's ever had. But she's never in the mood. No amount of romance or affection seems to change that.

 

Answers in bold.

Edited October 19, 2015 by deadelvis

[lil hoodlum]

Answers in bold.

 

 

All this further concludes how uncompatible the two of you are.

 

 

Can't you see this?

 

 

 

Find someone else who you are more compatible with and who can and will reciprocate your honest efforts and feelings.

 

 

All you have been doing, since you have known this woman, is constantly swim against the current. Sooner or later you will tire of it and stop resisting which the normal outcome that the two of you aren't compatable.

[turnera]

I'm confused. You basically look after her 24/7 like a paraplegic, yet she wants away from you?

 

What's her reason?

[deadelvis]

I'm confused. You basically look after her 24/7 like a paraplegic, yet she wants away from you?

 

What's her reason?

 

She has mentioned things like;

 

"I feel like a burden"

"I can't make you happy"

 

And other stuff like that.

 

Our "big fight" before she packed up and went to stay at her moms house was related to sex. She has no libido and when we have sex she's obviously just doing it for me. She made a comment about sex being a chore. It's been hard for me dealing with the lack of sex. I tend to take it personally and it hurts my confidence being rejected all the time. Lately she's been depressed and it started really affecting me. Then we were both depressed. Then of course that means no sex.

 

I've told her I love her, she makes me happy and I don't think she's a burden.

And that's really how I feel. I don't resent her for any of it. But it's pretty obvious when I'm feeling depressed. If we had a "normal" sex life I know I'd be happy. But the sex issue really does get me down. It's not even just the lack of sex, it's her overall lack of desire. I'm a very romantic person and I need sexual intimacy to feel complete. When long periods of time go by without romance, intimacy or sex, I start feeling like there's something wrong with me.

 

She was a very wild and promiscuous girl in the past, and it's hard for me to reconcile the zero libido woman who I take care of and the wild, freaky girl who used to be such a sex kitten for everyone else in the past. I feel like I am settling for scraps while everyone else got the "whole enchilada". I know logically it's not my fault and she's told me countless times that it has nothing to do with me. Yet it doesn't make it any easier.

 

So on my end, 99% of our problems are related to sex. Lack of sex. No enthusiasm. No romance or passion. No making out. No spontaneous sex. Nothing. Just constant rejection. And knowing that she had such a hot and crazy sex life with tons of other guys (and girls) in the past really makes me feel insecure and question her feelings toward me.

 

On her end, she felt like our relationship was adding to her anxiety and depression and she needed to get away to assess her feelings and decide if her mental health improves when she's alone. The lacking sex life made me depressed, and that increased her depression and anxiety. It's not that she doesn't love me, she just felt like living together was actually making her depression worse. She felt like she needed to get out of the house and away from me because the situation was not helping her mental health.

 

While I understand that, I think it's unfair to leave me because of her health problems. I tried to be the best boyfriend possible, given the situation, but the sex issues eventually got to me and I started becoming unhappy. I know that I could be more supportive and not let myself get depressed over the sex issues, but I just don't know how long I can put on a happy face when our sex life is non-existent. I'm seeing a doctor soon, to get some kind of prescription to help me deal with the stress and depression of being in a sexually devoid relationship and taking care of someone with mental illness. If I can't be happy and upbeat all the time it takes a huge toll on her mental health and things rapidly go from bad to worse.

Edited October 20, 2015 by deadelvis

[turnera]

Ok, thanks. Honestly, this is WAY above your pay grade. None of this will ever get resolved or improved without professional help. Start going to IC by yourself and try to get her to go to MC with you. It's the only thing that will help.

 

And on a personal level, start reading up about women and sex. You're going to find out that what SHE has changed into is EXTREMELY common. In fact, it's the single most common thing for men to come to forums for help on - the woman no longer wanting sex. It's what a lot of women do. Has nothing to do with you, but you CAN learn to do things to stave it off or remove it. But, again, you need professional help to do this.

[deadelvis]

Ok, thanks. Honestly, this is WAY above your pay grade. None of this will ever get resolved or improved without professional help. Start going to IC by yourself and try to get her to go to MC with you. It's the only thing that will help.

 

And on a personal level, start reading up about women and sex. You're going to find out that what SHE has changed into is EXTREMELY common. In fact, it's the single most common thing for men to come to forums for help on - the woman no longer wanting sex. It's what a lot of women do. Has nothing to do with you, but you CAN learn to do things to stave it off or remove it. But, again, you need professional help to do this.

 

I've bought about 30 books on human sexuality, relationships and "reigniting passion". I'm starting to read them. If I read all these books I'll be more qualified than a MC. But if we do stay together, I will be getting us into MC.

Thank you.

[turnera]

Books about relationships aren't going to help you CHANGE how you two interact. Only counseling will.

[TaraMaiden2]

I've bought about 30 books on human sexuality, relationships and "reigniting passion". I'm starting to read them. If I read all these books I'll be more qualified than a MC. But if we do stay together, I will be getting us into MC.

Thank you.

 

Utter tosh.

 

The only way you "qualify" as an MC is to sit with countless dozens of people who come to Counselling, with no pre-conceived ideas, siding with one or the other, or apportioning of blame.

Reading books will doubtless be useful - but please don 't believe for one nanosecond that you'd be 'qualified' to deal with your situation any better than you're doing now.

 

Why?

 

Because you're IN IT.

 

All this will do is to give you a better angle on how to fence questions, review situations and - believe it or not - 'manipulate' any session you attend in a way that may well deflect and project your own part in this, back onto her.

 

I would respectfully suggest you leave those books alone.

 

First of all they will have a tendency to be subtly different in their approaches, which will only serve to confuse you in what approach you should adopt;

 

Secondly, you will be trivialising the sheer hard field-work your Counsellor will have done to achieve their status, and you'll belittle their skills and make them redundant with your apparently clever "Oh, I so know how to handle this" approach....

 

I'm speaking from experience.

 

More than once, I've sat in a room with a couple where one has either openly declared or eventually admitted they actually have read this book or these books, and they perfectly understand how to handle this, or deal with that.... on more than one occasion, when the person actually didn't admit or confess to reading anything, the Counsellor would ask, "Have you read any literature on this...?" or more bluntly, once, "when you read that book, what effect did it have on your behaviour?"

 

That made them stop in their tracks, because they'd been rumbled.

 

Sitting down now, and thinking back, I can think of 14 occasions when I sat in with clients, and one partner had done some revision and thought they "knew it all". I've actually written a list, and I've come to 14.

 

And every single time, it was the man who had believed that if he ".... read all these books I'll be more qualified than a MC."

 

If women were the reluctant participants, it was generally because they tended to mistrust attending counselling because they feared that this was being done to change their minds, convince them to stay, work on the relationship. They believed they'd be "ganged up on".

 

If men were the reluctant participants, it was generally because they felt the blame would all be put on them, or that it was a total waste of time and/or money, because they had no respect or faith in counselling and basically thought counsellors were just glorified agony-aunts with a pair of chairs.

 

Don't read a thing.

Just go to Counselling.

[sandylee1]

This is the girl whose sexual history is a problem to you, right?

The kind of girl you can't see yourself marrying for that, including her sleeping with an old man for money. ....and she has done other things in her past that she refuses to tell you about?

 

What is the point of this relationship, where her past will always be an issue for you?

 

You are not sexually compatible and get miserable without sex. She has a low drive, unlike she used to years ago.......you can't force her to want sex more than she does, anymore than she can force you to want it less.

 

1) if you're looking for a life partner you aren't compatible

2) if you just want to pass the time in a relationship and enjoy yourself, this is not that relationship

 

You're not achieving anything at all, except continuing to have a turbulent relationship.