If I can accept the child, should I fight for the marriage?

[fallen soul]

After 13 years of marriage, I had an affair. I'm not excusing it or minimizing it. It was hurtful and wrong. I thought I was in love with the other man. I was a horrible wife at the time, and he had every right to walk out. BUT don't I at least deserve a chance, at a second chance?

 

While my husband continued his education, I worked two, sometimes three jobs. I helped him with exams, projects, and basically paid for an education I don't have a degree for. I resigned myself to being childless and poured all that love into our dogs. I was with him when he had nothing, and helped him build everything he has today. Doesn't that count for anything?

 

My husband is a good man, always has been. He's a straight arrow, predictable, and after ten years I was bored out of my mind. This is totally on me. He told me everyday he loved me, and complimented me all the time. Many women envied me, and I threw it away. I spent three years building a list of all the things my husband wasn't, and how unfair it was to me. Instead of telling him how I was feeling, I tried to change him into someone else, and when that didn't work I felt slighted. In all this time I never looked at myself as the problem, it was him. Hindsight really is 20/20.

 

Two weeks after we celebrated our 13th anniversary, I began an affair with a struggling landscaper. The other man was drumming up business, he gave me the spiel and threw in a little flirting. I flirted back, took his card and when hubby went to a conference a few days later I called him over for a quote. I was on my 3rd glass when he arrived. I lost my footing, he caught me, we kissed, we had sex in the garage, and he left. I found it exciting and that's how the affair started. I was so caught up in the excitement, I didn't realize I was being used by the other man. I felt the affair was separate from my real life, so I didn't feel bad about it.

 

The affair lasted 13 months. My department downsized and I was let go. I was basically supporting the other man, and without my job I had to dip into joint accounts to keep afloat. My husband noticed and when he wasn't satisfied with my answers and short temper, he knew something was up. I still thought I had it all together. I was so wrong.

 

It was a Tuesday at 7:43pm. I told my husband I was with girlfriends. I was at the other mans place, the apartment I was paying for. The bell rung and I answered. My husband was standing there and I knew I had been busted. He asked me why, and still in shock I tried to lie my way out of it. When that didn't work, I lost it and began berating my husband. Not my finest moment folks. I don't remember what my husband said to the other man over my shoulder, but I definitely remember the other man saying, “dude, don't leave her here”. My husband walked away, and I stood there for what felt like forever. The other man didn't try to comfort me or anything. After I was able to move, I told the other man he wouldn't be seeing me again. As I was walking out the door, the other man asked me about the past due truck payment. As soon as I got into my car the tears started. I couldn't pretend my actions didn't have consequences, and I had hurt my husband. I had to pull over because I couldn't see through the tears. I cheated on my best friend, I hurt him, I lied to him, I hurt him, I hurt him, I hurt him.

 

When my husband moved out I turned to booze. I didn't have my husband, a job, I was feeling real sorry for myself. The booze turned me into an angry, vengeful person. To his credit, he did try to help me. I didn't want the help if it meant he was still leaving. I struggled for a time before falling far enough to stop. My sister convinced me to go to rehab. She said it would help me convince my husband to come back better then what I was doing. Sobriety is hard. It means dealing with all the things you turned to the bottle for in the first place. I feel like I'm going to fall off the wagon all the time. The guilty, shame, and regret are overwhelming at times. I've been diagnosed with depression and under treatment.

 

I've had sporadic contact with my husband over the last few years. While I was unraveling, he was beginning anew. He's been waiting for me to “get better” so a divorce can happen. I've learned that he is romantically involved with a woman ten years younger then us, and.............she's pregnant! I guess that's what brings me here. I need an outside view of all of this. My husband is expecting a child with a younger woman. This woman is taking my life AND getting more then I had. I understand I messed up. I take responsibility for the demise of my marriage and becoming a lush. But what happened “to for better or worse”? I don't feel like he fought for us. I don't want to throw in the towel. I brought us to this point. I'm willing to accept this child. I want to fight for my marriage. Shouldn't I at least TRY? What say you?

[autumnnight]

I know you are in pain, so I don't want to be harsh.

 

But no. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for a LOT of people.

 

You betrayed him with an affair and financially. You may feel truly remorseful now, though your feeling of entitlement to another chance makes me doubt this.

 

You broke your vows. He moved on. He doesn't have to come back.

 

If you REALLY want to grow from this, focus on yourself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No one is taking anything from you...you threw it all away. Your husband had nothing to fight for...you were gone

 

If I was your husband...I would continue to live my life without you.....

 

Leave him be.....and leave HIS child alone...the child does not need you

 

Get help for yourself...and start over.

 

interesting that you joined in June 2014 but this is your first post

Edited October 17, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[minimariah]

how long have you been separated? & what makes you think that your husband will give you to opportunity to make things right? why didn't any of you file for divorce?

[bubbaganoosh]

You not only cheated on him but you financed you lover on your husbands dime.

 

Cheating is bad enough but I have to tell you that your husband had to be so completely humiliated and to find out that you were paying this bums bills.

 

You better hope that when the divorce is final that his lawyer doesn't try to figure out how much money you spent on this guy and it comes out of your part of the settlement. Bet the house that your husband will mention that to his attorney, I know I would.

 

Look it's over and done with. You husband has moved on and you have no one to blame but yourself so my advice to you is get yourself squared away and find a job so you can support yourself and what ever you do don't make the same mistake twice

[fallen soul]

I guess I have a lot more work to do, but I am working on myself. I guess hearing the baby news has shaken me. I always hoped we'd reunite. Now its really real. He was my reason for straightening up, now I feel lost. When I first found this site I was still drinking and not in my right mind. I thought I was going to find a "solution" to get my life back, that wouldn't required me to stop drinking. When I heard about the baby I felt like drinking, but I know not to. I'm just looking for hope

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hope for what?

 

Hope for living...absolutely

Hope for reconciliation...not a shot in hell

Hope for tomorrow...always

[onemanband]

What do you think your husband owes you,for better or for worse not to be mean but you should of thought of that,you where supporting the other man what would you do if rolls were reversed

[Woggle]

Look at this as a lesson learned because he truly seems like he is done.

[m.snow]

~focus on yourself for now.

 

get stronger & get healthier!

 

get your self into a better position.

learn from your mistakes.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I have a lot more work to do, but I am working on myself. I guess hearing the baby news has shaken me. I always hoped we'd reunite. Now its really real. He was my reason for straightening up, now I feel lost. When I first found this site I was still drinking and not in my right mind. I thought I was going to find a "solution" to get my life back, that wouldn't required me to stop drinking. When I heard about the baby I felt like drinking, but I know not to. I'm just looking for hope

 

How active are you in your recovery?

 

This is where both the serenity to accept and the wisdom to know the difference would come into play. If you care about your husband, the best expression of that would be to let him enjoy the newfound peace and happiness this new life and relationship brings him. Any attempt at disrupting that would just be an extension of the old you.

 

You've made lots of mistakes, all behind you. Time to think about what a healthy and honorable life would look like going forward from here. Keep posting, lots of support available...

 

Mr. Lucky

[m.snow]

~focus on your self today

 

set goals for yourself

 

You need to work on you first, so I want you to decide what YOU want out of life~

How do you see your self a year or two down the road.

 

If you work on yourself hard enough, may be someday you will be a person your husband will desire.

 

If there is something you must never give up on, its this ->"YOU!"

Don't give up on yourself and believe! things will get better, put in the effort

 

Take it one step at a time!

Edited October 17, 2015 by m.snow

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Im sure he was asking himself the same question "what happened to for better or worse" when his wife decided to sleep around with another man. Did you fight hard to save your marage? No, you decided it wasnt worth your time. That is why you went outside of it. You made your choice. The choices you make dictate the life you lead. He didnt had a choice in your affair. You made that choice for him. You no longer have any say in any of his choices.

 

The only thing you can do to move forward is work on yourself. Be the best person you can be only for yourself.

[oldshirt]

But what happened “to for better or worse”? I don't feel like he fought for us.

 

 

 

You are really serious and actually mean that do you?

 

 

If I had to track my wife down at some other dude's place and all he cared about was having his apartment and his truck paid for out of my money, that is beyond worse and there is no fighting for. You can't be serious.

 

 

I hope you get the help you need to get off the booze and make a good life for yourself and are able to move on and live a good rest of your life. But your ex would be insane to ever consider reconciling.

[Popsicle]

I wouldn't be surprised if your husband takes you back.

 

How long has it been since he moved out?

 

Go ahead and fight, it'll probably work.

Edited October 17, 2015 by Popsicle

[m.snow]

fallen soul

 

please, don't give up on yourself!

 

don't give up on tomorrow, nothing has been written in stone!

if your put in the effort, someday your husband will see you in a better place.

 

he may no longer be your husband, but i believe you can still get your best friend back!

 

isn't it the connection you have with that person that makes it special.

 

~

remember you are not alone hundreds of people have fallen down this path.

but you have it in you to get back up!

[TX-SC]

Honestly, it sounds like you just need to divorce and move on. He has a new love and a new child on the way. I think that ship sailed. Next relationship, don't cheat. It really is a deal breaker for some people. In his eyes, when you cheated the marriage ended.

[Try]

But what happened “to for better or worse”?

Marriage vows are an agreement where both sides agree to do things in exchange for the other side also agreeing to do things. As in all agreements, if one side does not honor their side of the agreement, the other side is no longer obligated to honor their side of the agreement. To expect otherwise is called cake eating. The "for better or worse" part of the marriage vow is talking about when good or bad things happen to you, it is not talking about you breaking the agreement.

[Jonah]

If you are sober today then that is the most important thing. Like you said, you were on your third glass in the middle of the day. Obviously you were already over the edge before your blunder... something was causing you you to over imbibe. What's the background story?

 

Your H is in another relationship and has ties to that person. For one, he would have to hurt her to reestablish a relationship with you and (if it were me) that would be difficult to do. What do you mean by "fight for him"? How would you go about that?

 

The number one best thing you can do is fight for you. From your words, you have yourself back and that is a blessing you should cherish. Much good can happen for you, and they will but you gotta take care of yourself.

[dental]

fs,

 

I empathize with you. This is not the life you envisioned. You will have to find something meaningfull and/or spiritual to fill this big gaping hole in your soul. What you've done so far hasn't led to happiness, so you wil have to make different choices. I hope you will choose wisely.

[qubist]

Fallen soul: I'm really sorry to read your story, but you have to fight for your yourself. you asked why your h didn't fight for the M and whether you deserved a second chance. well he caught cheating on him in a very humiliating way in o order for him to give a chance at that time you would have to work very hard to help him heal, but instead you weren't available to do so you wasted that chance. he had to move on without you being involved, we don't know what kind of relationship he has with the other woman but it seems serious enough that she is pregnant with his child.

all you can do now, is to work on yourself for your self, who knows what the future holds but you won't stand a chance if you are not back on your feet

[Marc878]

He's gone. I suspect he's the type that could never get over your affair.

 

Some can't it's a deal breaker.

 

That was the chance you took when you made this choice.

 

Move on you have no other options here.

 

He has and started a family to boot.

[NYWoman]

My story is similar to yours, cheated got caught, was mad at ExH for catching me. ExH walked away. I then waited for him to fight for me. When that did not happen, I decided I would fight for him. It was too late, but I did not give up, finally after several years of getting no where, in order to start a new life I had to break the spell I moved across country to live with my father.

That us when I was able to find a new life

[Lois_Griffin]

I wouldn't be surprised if your husband takes you back.

 

How long has it been since he moved out?

 

Go ahead and fight, it'll probably work.

I'm assuming you're being sarcastic?

 

No man in his right mind would take back someone like this and the OP needs to face that.

 

OP, you're talking out of both sides of your mouth. You're claiming your ex-H 'owes' you reconciliation for all the work you did putting him through college and due to vows you both took - and which YOU broke. I don't understand your 'logic' in acting as though he should be honoring the vows of 'for better or worse' when you chose to break them in ever conceivable way.

 

I think your husband should have divorced you long before now. I don't get his logic in 'waiting until you're better' before legally divorcing you. You're just a huge liability to him at this point and he's a fool for not making this legal in all this time.

 

Your legal tie to him needs to be severed. Maybe he'd actually like to marry his pregnant girlfriend and become a family with her and their baby.

 

Clean yourself up and learn from this, otherwise, you're doomed to make the same hideous mistakes again.

 

I noticed your entire post was all about YOU.

 

How about for a HUGE change you think about someone else? I say that in all sincerity. The alcoholic mindset is ALL about being a victim and how everyone ELSE is to blame for your misery.

 

Time to clean up the mess you made. Divorce this poor man and let him move on.

[Bufo]

While you post isn't 100% clear on this issue, it appears that D Day happened some years ago and your H has been gone since then. Did anybody flle for divorce? Separation?

 

If he has been gone for years, he's not coming back. Give up that hope and move on. You are not entitled to have him "fight for the marriage" which is just another way of saying you are not entitled to have him pursue you. With your disclosure of the downhill slope of your life alone, it hardly seems surprising that he hasn't bothered to do so. Bad enough what you did to him with your A, worse that you became an unemployed alcoholic. There surely wasn't much to motivate him to fight for the marriage. Rather, he probably thinks he's far better off now.

 

Get yourself fixed up. Unless and until that happens, you are probably doomed to an unhappy life alone. You can't wait for him to show up on your doorstep dressed in a suit of shining armor.