If I can accept the child, should I fight for the marriage?

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Do you deserve a second chance? No. It would be nice if one was offered to you, but you don't deserve it.

 

Honestly, it appears that everything is over, and now you contemplate springing into action. The movie ended, the credits are rolling, and you're thinking like it's the second act.

 

Your husband has moved on. Don't bother him anymore.

 

That's my insight. Good luck.

[m.snow]

Use your bh offer to financial assist you back on your feet. don't take anymore than that as a gesture.

 

take it.

and move up from there.

he will leave you but that doesn't mean the end for you, unless you make it the end.

 

let the divorce process run its course.

if you can get back to school get a degree.

 

i think helping your bh get his diploma. you should be given that opportunity somehow.

 

whats important now for you. is either find a stable well paying job. if not to continue with education to find better employment opportunities.

 

I think the best way you can make up for the wrongs you did your husband.

 

Is to love & take care of yourself. So focus on working you!

[Spectre]

No you cheated you don't deserve a second chance. If you are given a second chance be GRATEFUL because it is not deserved. Especially since you had a 13 month affair so lady how can you even spout stuff like "don't I deserve a second chance?" .

 

I'd actually question the mental health of any man who would give a second chance in this situation. YOU BERATED THIS MAN BECAUSE HE DIDN'T BELIEVE YOUR LIES after he caught you with another man! Leave him alone. Oh and dear lord you say things like how you don't feel he fought for "us" ? Whaaat?

 

Also sweety..this other woman isn't taking your life. You nuked your life, not her. I am very glad your husband is now happy and has found someone. Thumbs up for him, that is good news don't you think? Or at least if you loved him you'd think it was good news, but then if you loved him the affair wouldn't of happened so..yeah.

Edited October 17, 2015 by Spectre

[Horton]

I don't know where people are getting the idea that no man would ever take her back after what she's done to him. I've seen several cases of infidelity where the husband(for whatever reason) took his cheating wife back after she did things that just reading about them caused me to throw up in my mouth a little.

 

Having said that, his impending fatherhood with his GF's child is an enormous road block to your likelihood of reconciliation OP, but even if that wasn't the case this entitled attitude of yours about your 'rights' definitely won't help your chances. Work on yourself first and then see if he wants another go round.

[MJJean]

No, he doesn't owe you a chance. He gave you a chance when he married you. You blew that chance.

 

Yes, you worked and invested in your husbands education so that you'd have a financially stable future as a family unit. But then you traded in your investment for some stock in fools gold. The loss of the time and energy you invested is your own fault. He doesn't owe you and you cannot blame him.

 

He's moved on to a new life, a love, and they've started a family. It doesn't matter if you "accept the child" because the child is not part of your life and doesn't require your acceptance.

 

Your husband tried to help you and he couldn't, but he didn't want to make things worse on you when you were in a fragile mental state, so he hasn't filed for divorce. You said you've been separated for years. Don't you think it's time to file for divorce?

[Spectre]

I don't know where people are getting the idea that no man would ever take her back after what she's done to him. I've seen several cases of infidelity where the husband(for whatever reason) took his cheating wife back after she did things that just reading about them caused me to throw up in my mouth a little.

 

This post really depresses me because I know it is 100% true. I've seen it here on this board where the guy gets walked on more than a sidewalk does and he still sticks around.

[sandylee1]

I don't believe this is a deserve a second chance case.

 

You cheated. You were supported a loser financially.

 

Your husband because suspicious and that wasn't enough to stop you.

 

Then you berated him, instead of a whole host of other things you could have done.

 

As far as the vow of 'for better, for worse'- you obviously didn't see the need to stand by your wedding vows, what makes you think he should?

 

I don't mean to hurt you by saying this, but if my son or brother, took a woman who'd done what you did back, I'd get them some serious help.

 

Allow a quick and smooth divorce and leave him to his new life - hopefully with a more suitable partner.

 

Continue to stay dry and work on yourself. If you're lucky to get a new love, then figure out how to combat boredom without cheating, as it is very destructive.

 

Have you thought for a moment either now or over the years how betrayed, devastated and hurt your husband must have felt when he found you there? His world must have come crashing down around him.

[Spectre]

I am just utterly flabbergasted she even pulled out the "what happened to for better or worse?" line.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've seen it here on this board where the guy gets walked on more than a sidewalk does and he still sticks around.

 

Some men take their wedding vows literally. Doesn't make it right but may make it right for them. There is no "one size fits all" for marriage, infidelity and recovery...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Itwasntme]

But this is different, he has a GF who's pregnant with his kid. There is no way he can take her back unless him and his GF already broke up

[Sassy Girl]

I am just utterly flabbergasted she even pulled out the "what happened to for better or worse?" line.

 

Yep.... This one still had a lot of growing up to do. The sense of entitlement is still there...

 

Only now she wants to destroy a baby's family instead of her own.

 

I hope the ex has more sense

[Horton]

But this is different, he has a GF who's pregnant with his kid. There is no way he can take her back unless him and his GF already broke up

 

I believe the OP is still married to him, so her desire is that he will dump the GF and come back to her and she is even willing to be a step mother to his child with the OW. Whether there's any chance of this ever occurring is another thing, but I've seen crazier things happen.

[Spectre]

Some men take their wedding vows literally. Doesn't make it right but may make it right for them. There is no "one size fits all" for marriage, infidelity and recovery...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes they do take them literally, which is why it sucks when they let women who didn't do the same walk all over them.

[BlueDress]

You're still married. It's not to late. Even with the baby. Are you ready to be a good mother to it? You will have a big role to fill to help bring sense and order to the child's life. If you are up to the task then it is your right to fight for what is yours. Just make sure you know what you have up against you in taking on the other woman's baby. I'm preparing to do the same myself and there is a lot of mess to wade through if she makes it difficult.

[Spectre]

It seems to me the OP is getting a bit ahead of herself. Whether or not she can accept the child seems moot because..why would she need to accept it? She won't be raising it.

[Horton]

Some men take their wedding vows literally. Doesn't make it right but may make it right for them. There is no "one size fits all" for marriage, infidelity and recovery...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

A man vows to stand idly by while his wife cuckolds him? I've been to my fair share of weddings and I've never heard that one thrown out there, not even at that one Unitarian Universalist wedding I was dragged to.

 

But seriously, when an affair has occurred the marriage covenant is broken, it should be up to the BS if they want to piece it back together again and if the BS decides that it's not worth it that doesn't mean they're guilty of not taking their vows literally. Even in the bible where it says that God hates divorce, it lists adultery as one of only two acceptable reasons for divorcing your spouse, the other one being an unbelieving spouse abandoning you.

[Mr. Lucky]

But seriously, when an affair has occurred the marriage covenant is broken, it should be up to the BS if they want to piece it back together again and if the BS decides that it's not worth it that doesn't mean they're guilty of not taking their vows literally.

 

Interesting but has nothing to do with my post, which was a response to thoughts about BS's who'd made the marital decision to hang in there. Under most circumstances, wouldn't be my choice but I understand those who do decide it is worth it and stay...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

OP first of all, if you are still reading here, congratulations on your sobriety. It's a tough road but don't give up because there is a better life ahead for you. I get that your husband was your inspiration for getting sober but perhaps it's time to find new inspiration in yourself. Now that you are sober you are free to pursue your new life. Don't let another person be your sole reason for living, that will never turn out well. Learn to believe in yourself.

 

Some of the replies you have received may sound harsh. Your comment about "for better or worse" upset people because you have taken that vow out of context and put a selfish spin on it. To me that marriage vow means that couples should stick together when life gets hard and by life getting hard I mean when unfortunate events happen that are beyond anyone's control. A spouse may become seriously or chronically ill, a couple may face financial crisis due to one being laid off, perhaps one or both will have to care for aging parents. Those are the type of problems I think the "for better or worse" vow addresses. It doesn't mean one spouse can lie, cheat, abuse or deceive the other spouse. When you did those things actively attacked your own marriage, you became your husbands enemy, rather than a partner who could walk with him through the hard times life sometimes throw at us.

 

The "for better or worse" vow does not apply in this situation at all except to say that you are the one who broke that vow when you decided to cheat because you were bored and your husband wasn't the perfect specimen you wanted. So yes you still have some work to do because you are still not grasping the enormity of your actions and taking ownership of what you did. Saying things like "don't I deserve another chance" and "what about for better and for worse" shows that you still have a selfish and self serving mindset. No, you don't deserve another chance. None of us deserve anything, if you really get down to it, and life doesn't owe you anything either. I didn't hear any real remorse in your post. You regret your actions but you don't seem to have any real empathy for your husband. Your words sound like it's still all about you and what you think you deserve. Where is your compassion for people? Do you really think your husband should abandon the woman he is with now, who is pregnant with his child, to return to the woman who not only cheated on him for an extended period of time but also gave his money to the scummy OM? If your husband is a good man he will not abandon his gf and his child.

[Be_Strong]

I don't know where people are getting the idea that no man would ever take her back after what she's done to him. I've seen several cases of infidelity where the husband(for whatever reason) took his cheating wife back after she did things that just reading about them caused me to throw up in my mouth a little. .

 

The biggest difference between this situation and those other examples is the fact that the OP and her husband have no kids. I gave my wife a second chance, but that never would have happened if we didn't have children together.

[Horton]

The biggest difference between this situation and those other examples is the fact that the OP and her husband have no kids. I gave my wife a second chance, but that never would have happened if we didn't have children together.

 

I get that vibe from a lot of BH's who chose to stay, but most of them never actually come out and say it so bluntly. Personally I could never blame a father who stays for the sake of the kids no matter how vile his wife's affair was. A BH already stands to lose so much if he decides to get a divorce. Half or more of his income, lifetime alimony etc. When you throw in potentially becoming a weekend dad, exorbitantly high child support payments and having a strange man in your house raising your children, well that just takes it completely over the edge IMO. Being an adulteress really pays huh?

[Mrs. John Adams]

The biggest difference between this situation and those other examples is the fact that the OP and her husband have no kids. I gave my wife a second chance, but that never would have happened if we didn't have children together.

 

Be strong....I am not sure mr adams would have given me a second chance if we did not have two small children. It would have been easier to just end the marriage with no babies involved.

[poofitsgone]

If your still reading this I have a few things to say. Congratulations on your sobriety. I understand how hard it can be, but you are strong enough to do it and you don't deserve to live as an addict, you do deserve to be healthy. While I know a lot of people have problems with AA, there is plenty of help out there, if one group or way isn't working, feel free to find one that will. Taking care of you is your number one priority now.

 

Despite how harsh some posters have been, your post does come off self-entitled. We can't know whither you are, or just chose your words poorly, but its worth some deep introspection to find out why you would come across that way, and if thats how you feel deep inside. It sounds like you know how your suppose to feel, and just parroting that rather that actually feeling these things.

 

While I'll try to be helpful, the rest of my post is critical, so you can skip it if you've had enough of that...

 

After 13 years of marriage, I had an affair. I'm not excusing it or minimizing it. It was hurtful and wrong. I thought I was in love with the other man. I was a horrible wife at the time, and he had every right to walk out. BUT don't I at least deserve a chance, at a second chance?

It sounds like you had plenty of chances, but threw them away in order to keep up the affair.

 

 

While my husband continued his education, I worked two, sometimes three jobs. I helped him with exams, projects, and basically paid for an education I don't have a degree for. I resigned myself to being childless and poured all that love into our dogs. I was with him when he had nothing, and helped him build everything he has today. Doesn't that count for anything?

 

It would count for a whole lot if you had let it, but again, you didn't. You made those sacrifices for someone who loved you. Why would our husband believe that you love him? And how often during those times where your sacrifices so great that you would wish you were dead...had never been born...or had never met your husband in the first place? Because I bet your husband went through that when you had an affair, and would continue fighting past that if he tried to reconcile. His sacrifices would be on a completely other level than the ones you made.

 

My husband is a good man, always has been. He's a straight arrow, predictable, and after ten years I was bored out of my mind. This is totally on me. He told me everyday he loved me, and complimented me all the time. Many women envied me, and I threw it away. I spent three years building a list of all the things my husband wasn't, and how unfair it was to me. Instead of telling him how I was feeling, I tried to change him into someone else, and when that didn't work I felt slighted. In all this time I never looked at myself as the problem, it was him. Hindsight really is 20/20.

 

Two weeks after we celebrated our 13th anniversary, I began an affair with a struggling landscaper. The other man was drumming up business, he gave me the spiel and threw in a little flirting. I flirted back, took his card and when hubby went to a conference a few days later I called him over for a quote. I was on my 3rd glass when he arrived. I lost my footing, he caught me, we kissed, we had sex in the garage, and he left. I found it exciting and that's how the affair started. I was so caught up in the excitement, I didn't realize I was being used by the other man. I felt the affair was separate from my real life, so I didn't feel bad about it.

 

The affair lasted 13 months. My department downsized and I was let go. I was basically supporting the other man, and without my job I had to dip into joint accounts to keep afloat. My husband noticed and when he wasn't satisfied with my answers and short temper, he knew something was up. I still thought I had it all together. I was so wrong.

 

If it had ended at the kiss, I could agree that you should get another chance. But it didn't. You took that one bad choice and ran with it. Its no longer a second chance, you used that up. Its 13 months of chances to make things better, and instead you decided to make things worse every step of the way. Not just continuing the affair, but practically stealing from your husband for the other man. Do you really understand how awful that made him feel? You're not asking for a second chance...your asking for a billionth one.

 

It was a Tuesday at 7:43pm. I told my husband I was with girlfriends. I was at the other mans place, the apartment I was paying for. The bell rung and I answered. My husband was standing there and I knew I had been busted. He asked me why, and still in shock I tried to lie my way out of it. When that didn't work, I lost it and began berating my husband. Not my finest moment folks. I don't remember what my husband said to the other man over my shoulder, but I definitely remember the other man saying, “dude, don't leave her here”. My husband walked away, and I stood there for what felt like forever. The other man didn't try to comfort me or anything. After I was able to move, I told the other man he wouldn't be seeing me again. As I was walking out the door, the other man asked me about the past due truck payment. As soon as I got into my car the tears started. I couldn't pretend my actions didn't have consequences, and I had hurt my husband. I had to pull over because I couldn't see through the tears. I cheated on my best friend, I hurt him, I lied to him, I hurt him, I hurt him, I hurt him.

 

Yes you did. And until hes completely healed, every time he looks at you risks his mind hurting him and putting him through that all over again. Why would you want someone you actually love to go through that?

 

When my husband moved out I turned to booze. I didn't have my husband, a job, I was feeling real sorry for myself. The booze turned me into an angry, vengeful person. To his credit, he did try to help me. I didn't want the help if it meant he was still leaving. I struggled for a time before falling far enough to stop. My sister convinced me to go to rehab. She said it would help me convince my husband to come back better then what I was doing. Sobriety is hard. It means dealing with all the things you turned to the bottle for in the first place. I feel like I'm going to fall off the wagon all the time. The guilty, shame, and regret are overwhelming at times. I've been diagnosed with depression and under treatment.

 

I've had sporadic contact with my husband over the last few years. While I was unraveling, he was beginning anew. He's been waiting for me to “get better” so a divorce can happen. I've learned that he is romantically involved with a woman ten years younger then us, and.............she's pregnant! I guess that's what brings me here. I need an outside view of all of this. My husband is expecting a child with a younger woman. This woman is taking my life AND getting more then I had. It's not your life. Its possible its the life you could have had, but the fact that you feel shes stealing something from you, and not that shes picking up what you threw in the trash make me think you still don't really get it.

I understand I messed up. I take responsibility for the demise of my marriage Do you? You say that, and in the very next sentence blame him for not doing more. The rest of your post doesn't make it sound like you do. You might intellectually, but do you actually "feel" it? and becoming a lush. But what happened “to for better or worse”?

I hope you understand why its laughable for you to use your vows as toilet paper for over a year and then complain that he isn't showing enough respect to the end result

I don't feel like he fought for us. I don't want to throw in the towel. I brought us to this point. I'm willing to accept this child. I want to fight for my marriage. Shouldn't I at least TRY? What say you?

 

Your marriage is done in everything but name. It sounds like hes practically already married to someone else. The best way to move forward is to get and stay healthy, and learn why you did what you did so you can avoid it in the future. Be happy the pain you caused the one you say you love hasn't done more damage and he has been able to move on. Not all Betrayed spouses are that lucky. Continue making your self into a better person, you've already taken the first steps. You have an opportunity to become someone that anyone would be lucky to have...don't waste it.

[m.snow]

but you know, i believe i have read this from somewhere before. its was in a different forum.

 

i believe it was the husband posting about finding his ww in the om house.

 

but that was along time ago. and the posting on that thread already ceased a couple of months prior I accessed it.

 

If your still reading, continue improving yourself. Someday when you are in a better position. hopefully your BH may come to like you again.

[Bufo]

I would suggest seeing an attorney for an initial consultation as it is highly probable that H will file for divorce so he can marry his pregnant gf. It takes two to reconcile but only one to file for divorce

 

You need to learn what your post divorce life will look like and that is the purpose for the lawyer consultation. If nothing else one element of uncertainty will be removed.

 

Stay sober for your own sake.

[wbm665]

If you truly love your Husband... I mean REALLY love him... the best thing you can do it make the divorce as easy as possible for him. Not fight for him. Not fight him over anything. Be fair and divorce as quickly as possible.

 

Right now, I suspect you only love yourself and are worried about yourself. That's understandable given your current situation, but not love. It's selfish.

 

When you love someone, you put their happiness first. His happiness is with his GF and his growing family. It seems like you are more upset that she got the life you wanted. You could have had it as well, but for your choices. It sucks, but it really may be for the best in the long run.

 

Sorry your lesson is much tougher than others. Much luck to you on your continued sobriety.