Did I lead someone on without even realizing it?

[Ally2518]

Okay this is really long but please bare with me. I just want to know if I did something wrong without being aware of it. And honestly knowing if someone else has gone through this would help a lot. So any input from anyone would be awesome!

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years, never been with anyone else, he's my first BF. When me and my boyfriend went through a rough patch a couple years ago. He was jealous and insecure(all is much better now- he's a completely different person) anyways when we went through that rough patch a couple years ago I would get so mad because I didn't understand what was going on. He was my first boyfriend so I wanted a guys input.

 

So there was this one friend of mine that I knew from the mall that I would ask for advice. At first I knew he had a thing for me Because one day he asked me if I "still had a boyfriend" and I of course answered yes and that I wasn't planning on it ending. I've had guys like me before and when I wasn't interested they would get over it and move on to the next girl and tell me about these girls. I thought this could be the same thing. So I thought he could get over it and just be my friend. We never hung out, just texted every now and then. and then he started acting weird.

 

I remember one time he texted me saying something about how I deserve better and that I can find someone so much better...that weirded me so instead of being mean and a bitch(which I should have been I admit I just hate being mean to people. I don't want to be a bitch to one guy because he's trying to be nice and then he'll think that the next girl talking to him isn't into him..if that makes sense..) I should have been a bitch and I should have said something mean but instead I ended the conversation. i said something along the lines of "dude..your moving." so he would understand that even if he would stay here there wouldn't be any chance of us happening. You can't just decide to stay and me to leave my BF you know? (I should have elaborated that to him but it was just so weird to me that I was kind of thrown back)

 

Well he took it the wrong way and thought I meant if he stays I'll be with him and I said "no no no I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that look I'm sorry but I don't want to talk about this anymore" and it ended. The next morning he texted me "good morning gorgeous" and that was what I was not going to have. I texted him back saying "listen I'm flattered but you really can't text me like that. Me and my BF are still together and he's not going anywhere. Ur a really cool dude and I don't mind us being friends but I'm not looking for anything more than a friend" so he apologized and admitted that he crossed the line. I told him it was fine and that we can be friends but he needs to understand where I stand.

 

We didn't talk for a while and the next time we spoke he was normal. Wasn't acting weird, wasn't uncomfortable. Which was nice! I missed the friendship and I missed his input on things! It was like having my brother to talk to who I never actually hung out with lol. Well after a little bit he still started to act weird. When I would talk about my BF I would try to use words like "dude" or "man." But he still would say thinewgs that I kind of felt weird about. So one day after it got a little too weird I asked him "why do you like me?" I mean how the hell can you like a girl who talks about her BF all the time? And not only that but I talk about how I want to fix me and my BF. I talked about how I love him and I want us to work out. I understand It's negative things about my BF but...just because I'm talking about my BF does NOT mean It's an open invitation. At least not on my part.

 

Well he answered "because your beautiful blah blah blah" (of course he had to say that and make things more weird. Obviously it's nice to hear things like that. He's complimented me before and I just thanked him and moved on. I never dwelled on it.) and said "and your faithful to your boyfriend which is hard to find now a days" ...???? So if I'm faithful to my boyfriend...how do you think this is all going to play out?? I'm not going to leave my BF and find another guy the second we have a fight, that's immature. If me and my BF fight I want to work it out and grow from it.

 

Well anyways, again, this was my fault. I should have been way more of a bitch and I should have said something really mean, but again, I hate ruining people's self esteem. He was a great guy I just simply wasn't interested. So I told him thank u and that I appreciated that and then changed the subject. And that was the last straw for me. I slowly stopped talking to him. Every now and then we would talk but I think he got the hint since I started being more distant.

 

I remember one time I texted him apologizing for being a bitch to him. He said "you weren't being a bitch, you were just being a good girlfriend." Needless to say we haven't spoken since all of that and I have not had a guy friend either in fear that all of that would Happen again.

 

Now my question is- did I lead someone on? I know I mentioned my boyfriend and how I loved him and I know I made it clear to him that I was not interested but why did he like me when all I talked about was my boyfriend?? I mean me and my friend talked about EVERYTHING when we were close so I guess that was my fault. I gave him the benefit of the double hoping that he would take our conversations maturely and not take them in another sense.

 

Should I have been more of a bitch? Should I have handled it differently? Looking back at it now I of course would. But I feel like I was naive and stupid and didn't realize that sometimes you need to be a bitch to get your point across and by no means did I mean to lead anyone on. Not at all. And I hope that's not what I did. I know people say leading on is more when you say something like "hey me and my boyfriend are fighting. Want to come over and watch a movie? He won't be here." I know I never lead him on in that sense but is talking about your relationship a form of leading on?

Edited October 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed wall of text ~6

[Maddieandtae]

You don't need to be a b_ _ _h to put clear boundaries in place. When you don't have interest in an person you don't engage in flattery and compliments that can't be said in front of an partner. To me it sounds like you gave a lot of mixed signals. Trying to continue with this friendship will just be confusing and if your boyfriend is aware this other person has shown interest in you it could get awkward for all involved.

[Ally2518]

No I completely agree. I shouldn't have continued the friendship but he was my first and only boyfriend and I never understood why me and my boyfriend were fighting about the things we fought about. I never flirted with my friend. I spoke to my friend the way I speak to everyone. I can understand where he got mixed signals

But I felt that because I made it clear that I was not trying to leave my boyfriend and that I wanted to fix our relationship that he understood. I just really wanted advice from an outsides perspective. I completly agree that it was mixed signals but if one of my guy friends is asking me for advice i wouldn't just assume that he likes me...even if I liked him I would understand that he's just asking for advice and nothing more. I just turned 19 at the time and he was like 21 so I assumed that we were both mature enough to move past that and be friends without it being weird especially since I never suggested that I was interested in finding someone else. And we didn't talk everyday. It was every now and then. And we never even hung out. If I was interested in someone I would try really hard to make time for this person and engage in more time together. I understand what your saying and of course looking back I would not open to a guy about my relationship. And my boyfriend knows about this. He knows I was not trying to do anything more than ask for advice.

[Mystique01]

Hmmm...personally I think it's probably always going to be sticky territory whenever you're discussing relationship problems with a guy who is NOT your bf.

 

Trust me, it's happened to me. I used to do the same thing, and then wonder why my guy friends would always end up liking me even though I would be talking to them about my relationships with OTHER guys!

 

So, if I were you, if you're in a deeply committed relationship, maybe try not to talk to guys who are NOT your bf about your relationship. Or, better yet, ask your older brother. That way there's no confusion or mixed signals.

 

Plus, if the roles were reversed and your bf were talking to some single girl about his relationship with YOU, how would that make YOU feel? Especially if she had a crush on him? Idk....just something to think about....