Why won't she let me divorce her, she promises to make my life horrible if I try.

[Tenchu11]

My wife had an affair and when came push to shove she couldn't pick between me and her lover. Needless to say I was pissed I tried to make it work but her "I need time I love him" broke my heart.

 

I'm well educated and have a great job still in shape and in my late 20s. Only reason I even tried was because of our 4 year old son. I moved out I was unable to be in the same room with her and not transition between rage and grief not a great environment. After a few months of separation I realized I'm better off and my son having two parents that love him separately than two who can't stand each other. So I filed for divorce and sent her the paper work, it angered her she called me after months of NC and said in no way in hell are we getting a divorce.

 

I have a good career and her family are very well off. She threatens that if I even try and push it through she will take everything from me, that she refuses to be a divorce and a single mom. I remind her that she caused this and atleast she can give me this divorce that I still love our son but we won't work out. She puts my son on the phone randomly while we discuss divorce and he says thinks like "daddy when are you coming home? Mommy and I miss you!"

 

I try hard not to break down and cry on the phone it feels like she's using my son to keep me trapped. Why won't she let me divorce?!? She had the affair although I have a good career I know her family are extremely wealthy and can afford to destroy me financially if they choose to.

 

We are (her fam and I) conservative and she keeps stating biblical stuff and repeats "for better or worse!" When ever I bring the divorce up even when I remind her she couldn't choose between me and the OM. Why is she doing this? After she got the divorce papers she threatens and begs me and uses my son against me.

[bubbaganoosh]

You need to find a good lawyer, explain what you just told us about what happened and let him do your fighting.

 

Whats happening is your being buffaloed and bullied and as long as you let her or her family do it the worse it will be.

 

She cheated. Her problem. Stop worrying about the threats. One other thing. Do not let her use the kid as a weapon and get to you. She knows that's your weak spot and will use it as she see's fit so you better get a thicker skin and I'm telling you this from experience. My first wife was just like yours and I had to toughen myself up or would have gotten run over like road kill and she used my daughter as a weapon also and that's why you need a lawyer so GET ONE NOW!!

[Mr. Lucky]

We are (her fam and I) conservative and she keeps stating biblical stuff and repeats "for better or worse!" When ever I bring the divorce up even when I remind her she couldn't choose between me and the OM. Why is she doing this? After she got the divorce papers she threatens and begs me and uses my son against me.

 

The Bible also has a few prohibitions regarding adultery she might be interested in.

 

Get your lawyer to get your ducks in a row and proceed with the divorce. Assuming you're in the US, won't go as quick as uncontested but will still get done.

 

Stop worrying about what she does or says and start moving to legally protect assets and your relationship with your son...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

You need a good lawyer but since you said she's trying to twist religion to her purposes perhaps get your pastor on your side.

[Tenchu11]

I just don't understand why she won't let me go?!? Her begging saying she loves me and misses me then using my son is slowly breaking me down. She had the affair and fell in "love" why is she doing this?!?

[LifesontheUp]

My xH was the one to have an affair after 18 years together.

 

We tried to fix it, but within 6 months I just didn't want to do it and be married any longer. We were seperated but when I dropped the news I wanted divorce I had similar to you. I had the how bad will this look as I'm catholic, you'll want me back in 2 years etc etc

 

So I waited, a couple of months, with no contact then I went to a solicitors and told them I wanted a divorce but we would need to tread carefully. My solicitor did it all for me and I got my divorce with the minimum of fuss.

 

I wish you luck, it can be done with legal advice. Though as with me, you may want to let the dust settle a little bit first.

[m.snow]

It is vital that you seek legal advise.

have you talked to an attorney?

 

Put a smile on your face.

Hide your emotions for in front of her for now.

 

This case is a Recipe for disaster

Caution; Again tread carefully with your wife.

 

I have seen cases like this go from bad to worse to hellish.

 

A Wayward Wife with supportive Rich Parents, are big trouble.

 

In terms of finance they can screw you big time

-she doesn't work? they can max out alimony

-she earns less than you they can still max out alimony

 

even if her supporting parents were multi-millionaires

-you'd still be the one paying alimony

 

you just left the house before the divorce thats strike one!

In the eyes of the court that's already abandoning family, that's already abandoning your child.

-there goes your chance at 50% child custody, and courts are biased against men.

 

If your WW has rich parents

-They can Punish you big time with Child Support and Alimony and leave you destitute.

-they can keep going to court to change something, drying your up with attorney fees. to the point where you will be forced to represent your self.

 

I have seen hundreds of cases like this on the web. If one side has rich parents they can make it very bloody for the other side.

 

-My advice for now is for you to go back home-

-My best advice talk to a lawyer asap.

 

Alternative; Lose your Pride and Dignity for now:

 

If you want this divorce to go smoothly, you have to plead with your WW to let you go. and also plead with her Parents. not to punish you financially.

control your emotions. put on a mask.

never ever come out as spiteful or hating! ie dont call her names

be on your WW good side & sweet talk your wife into divorcing you.

Edited October 17, 2015 by m.snow

[oldshirt]

I just don't understand why she won't let me go?!? Her begging saying she loves me and misses me then using my son is slowly breaking me down. She had the affair and fell in "love" why is she doing this?!?

 

She's wanting her cake and eating it too. She wants you in the house to help pay rent and expenses and to babysit the child while she goes and has her fun and hot sex with the OM.

 

 

You are the chump and being played as the fool.

 

 

As everyone else has said, get a good lawyer and start working on this step by step.

 

 

You do not need her or her family's consent and cooperation to divorce.

 

 

Yes they can prolong the process and make it more work and more expense but none of them are actually able to stop it.

 

 

Get an attorney and start peeling through the layers and getting it done step by step.

 

 

I strongly urge you to do this in secret as best you can. You want her/them asleep at the switch. Pretend that you have capitulated and are going along with them but keep working with your attorney and follow his/her guidance.

 

 

This is a new and daunting situation for you. However this is the bread and butter of every divorce lawyer on the planet. This deal with this scenario day and day out every single day. it's not someone new and intimidating to them, it is just another divorce case.

 

 

Secure a good lawyer and work with him/her and get yourself out of this miserable situation.

[Mrs. John Adams]

First...seek legal advice. Get a lawyer recommended by friends and family that you know is a winner and do EXACTLY what he tells you to do. He will cost big bucks....but he /she will be worth every penny. Don't ask your wife for unrealistic things....be satisfied with splitting everything 50 50....fighting only cause more stress and costs more money.

 

No one wins in divorce....but sometimes it really is the right thing to do.

[No Limit]

Don't let her intimidate you. She knows she's powerless so manipulation is the only weapon she has left. She can't take everything from you no matter how much she might want to, she's just selfish and doesn't want to lose anything at all - she wants the cake and eat it too.

 

Get a good lawyer and don't even consider taking a potential sociopath like her back, ever. The rest will solve itself.

[Bufo]

Practical advise, not emotional advise from most posters above.

 

ABSOLUTELY see a family law lawyer who can tell you from experience how things would look post divorce.

 

Its not enough that she had an affair, now she's essentially blackmailing you into believing that somehow you need her permission for a divorce.

 

Yes, you'll split assets with her and pay child support. May even pay some spousal support for some period of time. The longer you dither about this, the better off she'll be in terms of support.

 

You do not need her permission to divorce her. Don't even listen to advice from her family. They will always take her side since she'll always be the daughter.

 

To see the lawyer, you'll need a checklist:

 

debts and assets

 

income tax returns

 

does fault play into asset split/support in your state

 

amount of child support (most states have a schedule to compute this)

 

procedural requirements, if any. (some states require a fixed period of

separation before filing for divorce, for example)

 

how much fees and costs uncontested versus War of the Roses type of fighting.

 

How long the process takes.

 

And one more thing, you will be dealing with the lawyer you choose for however long it takes to get divorced. Make sure s/he is one you can work with.

[Bufo]

And Mrs. Adams said a very important thing. Anything beyond an even split of assets is often not worth fighting for. Don't try to punish her with a divorce. The only people who usually "win" an asset fight are the lawyers.

[boltam]

I just don't understand why she won't let me go?!? Her begging saying she loves me and misses me then using my son is slowly breaking me down. She had the affair and fell in "love" why is she doing this?!?

 

Try not to get hung up on why she's doing this, you need to invest your emotional energy elsewhere at this time.

 

Suffice it to say that she's extremely selfish and probably doesn't care all that much about you. She wants the convenience of married life without the hassles of being tied down to one man. If you look at it from her point of view, it can be almost understandable, again in a very selfish sort of way.

 

Now that you're hopefully past the reasons, you need to move forward with a strategy. She's going to make the divorce difficult, and that means it's going to take longer and get expensive but in the end you'll be divorced, and no she won't get everything, she'll get roughly half, although in a drawn out contested divorce the attorneys will get a significant chunk of your assets, possibly everything, depending on what you own in the first place.

 

You need an experienced attorney who is going to advocate for your case but who will also be willing to negotiate if the opportunity arises. So called "bull dog" or "shark" attorneys are probably the worst choice because they escalate conflict and legal fees rather than bringing things to a more rapid close.

[m.snow]

How rich is Wayward Wife's family and how Influential are they?

To me you are already depicting her family to be filthy rich in the multi millions.

 

the problem is with the attitude of his ww. threatening to use family money against him and go nuclear. and that is bad.

 

he has to deal with that somehow first or he will get screwed.

its one thing for everybody to get 50/50 even lucky to get 30/70 her way.

 

but his ww is threatening to go nuclear 10/90. her way of everything.

 

she has money he doesn't, that's the problem.

 

we have seen so many cases like this.

 

you must tread carefully.

 

if he forces this, it will get bloody. that's why negotiate first with kind words.

 

A Don't try to punish her with a divorce.

that's not the problem, the problem is wayward wife is gonna punish him financially.

 

he wants to walk away with is financially survivable, but wayward wife has with-in her power, that power is very really if her family has money.

Edited October 17, 2015 by m.snow

[loveboid]

Why is she doing this? Because she hates you. Her behavior isn't showing love, it's showing hate. Her threats are made intentionally to hurt you. She will never change.

 

I would get this in your head right now: She will always purposefully try to hurt you.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi techu11,

 

Have you ever heard the term "bubble universe"? I believe in many ways she is in one. Her universal has it's own truths that defy reason or comperhence.

Simply put you need to learn the rules of her worked view to predict her reactions to potect yourself and son.

 

The number one effect you will see is ner total inability to understand how her actions have broken something in you. Some additional background info please..

 

-Issues in the marriage prior to adultery.

-Timeline of affair.

-Who was OM.

-Evidence found, evidence still on hand.

-Her response to why the adultery and why if she is so much happier with him, why stay with you? What does she want, an open marriage?

 

Thanks and fare well

[LifeNomad]

She still trying to control u. U gotta show ur u aint in her world anymore and proceed with whatever choice makes u happiest

[Tenchu11]

Her parents own a construction company that do contract jobs for oil companies. I knew her from school but we never really talked until I started my internship at her dads company after college. They aren't outlandish rich but millionaires yes...

 

She promises to stop seeing that guy and says she wants to have a second kid to improve our marriage that she made a huge mistake.

I'm returning for my son and I will be on recon mode to catch her when she slips up. As for the second kid I will not sleep with her right away, first off I will request she get std tested and secondly the longer I withhold sex the more certain I am she is not using this as a ploy to sneak her lovers child (if she's using this "2nd child" for a pregnancy from the affair) as mine.

Like Nepolean said "chose your battles"

I won't let her chase me out of my house and Childs life if I have to fake a few years of love to get out cleanly and catch her when she messes up I'll just have to.

 

I'm not sure if she's truly remorseful or trying to save face with her family. I have not told anyone out of my own pride and not wanting to damage her name (she's unfortunately still the mother of my child).

[oldshirt]

...

 

She promises to stop seeing that guy and says she wants to have a second kid to improve our marriage that she made a huge mistake.

 

DO NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GET HER PREGNANT!!

 

 

Another child will complicate this and jack up the price considerably. That is why she is doing that.

 

 

Get a vasectomy on the down low if you have to.

 

 

Also be aware that a lot of WWs have gotten pregnant by the OM and then come home one day and screw their husbands senseless for awhile to try to pass off the baby as their husband's.

[loveboid]

I won't let her chase me out of my house and Childs life if I have to fake a few years of love to get out cleanly and catch her when she messes up I'll just have to.

 

 

You gotta be careful spending time married to someone you may likely leave. The longer the marriage, the larger the obligation you have under the law to pay for spousal support if you are the breadwinner. Long marriages depending on your state's laws may have lifetime alimony meaning even after retirement you would still have to pay her.

 

Add a child to the mix and if she is the primary caregiver then you pay her child support in addition to spousal support in addition to splitting all of your assets and debts 50/50 and possibly part of her attorney's fees for the privilege of paying her.

 

If you do decide to divorce with children below 18, stay in the house and fight for 50/50 time sharing to still have a chance to see your kids and reduce your child support.

 

Look up the movie Divorce Corp.

[Tenchu11]

Seems like it's a lose, lose situation. I can divorce and have her ruin me financially or I can stay and if I leave end up paying alimony

[dreamingoftigers]

Seems like it's a lose, lose situation. I can divorce and have her ruin me financially or I can stay and if I leave end up paying alimony

 

Sorry, but are you in AB?

 

I ask because you mentioned her parent's company.

 

There's some tactics you can use here to fight her.

[ShouldGo]

Until you talk to an attorney, like everyone suggests, you're just making statements with zero knowledge.

 

Pony up the consult fee, and talk to one; I can just about guarantee your wife has... And therefore is informed.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi tech

 

You answered the least important of my questions.

 

-Issues in the marriage prior to adultery.

-Timeline of affair.

-Who was OM.

-Evidence found, evidence still on hand.

-Her response to why the adultery and why if she is so much happier with him, why stay with you? What does she want?

 

Do her parents know. I never expect a parent to throw away a child, but they might refuse to bank roll big legal bills if they don't think your being an ass.

 

Can you address my unanswered questions?

[oldshirt]

Seems like it's a lose, lose situation. I can divorce and have her ruin me financially or I can stay and if I leave end up paying alimony

 

You are just taking their word that they will ruin you.

 

 

This is why you need to consult an attorney so you can sit down and get the actual facts and not having to rely on people huffing and puffing and telling you they are going to blow your house down.