hubster Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I am 42 yrs old and been married for 8 yrs (together for 12).My wife cheated had an affair that lasted over a year. The affair ended over a year ago but I only found out about the affair about 6 months ago. I am still an emotional wreck. I know I should have left her, but I love her and can't quite bring myself to divorce her yet. I sometimes obsess about her doing it because it just totally shocked me and seemed so "out of character" from the lady I knew. Anyway, just tired of hurting and obsessing. There are some good days but they are followed by days of craziness-crying, obsessing, and paranoid behavior that I have never experienced before. I never knew I could reach a low like this. I know there are bigger tragedies in the world but it doesn't feel like it to me at this moment in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I am assuming you are still living together? First get yourself into ic to help you sort through this. If you think you want to reconcile..get the both of you into MC. You don't give many details...so it is hard to know what exactly you are looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 It would be helpful to know both what you've done as a couple and she's done as a WS to recover from her affair. If you've collectively stuck your head in the sand and wished and hoped for recovery, nothing you've done will address the hurt you feel. More info is needed... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 you might add this information to your other thread instead of starting another thread about it ask mods for help Link to post Share on other sites
Author hubster Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 I am assuming you are still living together? First get yourself into ic to help you sort through this. If you think you want to reconcile..get the both of you into MC. You don't give many details...so it is hard to know what exactly you are looking for. I am trying to reconcile and she says that she is too but she is doing all the wrong things--she refuses to go to counseling and she says she doesn't want to talk about the affair because it makes her depressed and ashamed all over again so this makes it difficult to work through things. I have been going to lots of counseling by myself. I didn't go into a lot of details because honestly, I am just trying to vent a little I suppose...just hurting right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 It takes two to reconcile...if she is not willing to help you...you have to decide what is best for you. discuss it with your ic and also seek the advice of a lawyer 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtHusband Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I know exactly how you feel cause I am still with my cheating wife one year later. 'Good days' are just days when your distracted momentarily from this new reality. I know it's tough. In my mind it's kind of like before and after. Things will never be the same, something is broken and the future is uncertain. You will become a stronger person and you will get through this, and your not the first or the last person to be cheated on. At some stage you will make a decision. Until that pint just look after yourself and it's good to talk to others. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hubster Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 I know exactly how you feel cause I am still with my cheating wife one year later. 'Good days' are just days when your distracted momentarily from this new reality. I know it's tough. In my mind it's kind of like before and after. Things will never be the same, something is broken and the future is uncertain. You will become a stronger person and you will get through this, and your not the first or the last person to be cheated on. At some stage you will make a decision. Until that pint just look after yourself and it's good to talk to others. Hurthusband, I am sorry you are going through that as well. It is crazy at how tough I thought I was and how I thought I was in control and then it all fell apart. Your understanding is appreciated. I have been in the Army and through some pretty tough situations but this is honestly the hardest thing I have been through because it feels permanent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 the infidelity is permanent.... but time heals and hope promises this too shall pass 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 How did you find out? Link to post Share on other sites
HurtHusband Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) Well I don't mean to trivialize a tragic event but it's like a marital 9/11 The way things were before and now this. I hate the triggers, I hate to say it but my wife kissing our eldest child is a trigger and I have to move into the kitchen. Or even her exercising and doing squats in front of me, bending her butt, in the living room, again can't look. Her getting out of the shower naked ( again don't want to see as there is zero intimacy between us and doubt there ever will ) Going to a shopping mall at a station where they met and went to a short term hotel to conduct their affair ( again another trigger ) A 'Guess who' board game for my kid where one of the characters name is the same as her AP ( again another trigger ) Other friends we socialize with and the wife mentioning having more kids etc ( not in a million years and this is awkward as they don't know what happened ) Edited October 17, 2015 by HurtHusband Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 she must go to marriage counseling. if not for her. for you. feeling some shame about what happened is normal, that simply you facing reality of your actions. it is paramount for any R that the wayward spouse enter into counseling with the the betrayed. there should be no excuse not to go. your wayward wife must got to counseling and no excuses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I am trying to reconcile and she says that she is too but she is doing all the wrong things--she refuses to go to counseling and she says she doesn't want to talk about the affair because it makes her depressed and ashamed all over again so this makes it difficult to work through things. When she said that is when you needed to take the bull by the horns and let her know that as of now it isn't about her, it's about you. You let her know that she wasn't depressed or ashamed when she was screwing the guy and not giving a good damn how it affected you and the marriage so now it's time for her to step up to the plate and do the right thing and if it hurts the so be it. She's caused it so she has to bear the pain for it and by refusing to do so is telling you that it isn't worth it so you better do something like rattle her cage and let her know that it's your way or the highway 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I don't have any advise. I just wanted to say "I know!". The first contact between my H & the OW (She was his ex mistress from 12 years go) was via Linked In. He never thought to delete those messages so I know step by step the words that started it. Message 2 her told her to read Sonet 29. My H is a math/computer geek. I'm a literature girl. I knew I was making that sacrifice when I started dating him. We would never have the connection of the appreciation of the arts. Words can't express how much I would LOVE my H to give me a meaningful piece of literature. 25 years nope! I've been reading sonnet 29. I don't know if I can do this! How can I live with a man that sends THAT to another woman. It kills me. Why am I torturing myself? I feel so undeserving of real love. No-one will ever send something like that to me! When I was young I was that kind of woman. The sort who believed that romantic love, unconditional love was for me. When did I become this person? How did I become his person? I'll live the rest of my life never receiving a piece of meaningful poetry. Pathetic huh? S**t when does this pity part end? When & how do I see my self as having value agin? When did I become THIS woman who's self worth is measured by another's treatment & value of me? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 she refuses to go to counseling and she says she doesn't want to talk about the affair because it makes her depressed and ashamed all over again so this makes it difficult to work through things. Sounds like there are things she will or won't do. Is there a reason you're denying yourself the same right ? There are steps she can take to help recovery and her unwillingness to do so means she's no more interested in a healthy relationship now than she was while the affair was occurring. It's difficult to discuss the lies, deception and feelings involved in infidelity but you have a right to know those parts important to you. Right now, instead of protecting your marriage, she's choosing to protect herself. Plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I am trying to reconcile and she says that she is too but she is doing all the wrong things--she refuses to go to counseling and she says she doesn't want to talk about the affair because it makes her depressed and ashamed all over again so this makes it difficult to work through things. I have been going to lots of counseling by myself. I didn't go into a lot of details because honestly, I am just trying to vent a little I suppose...just hurting right now. Why is it her choice? Tough sh*t that it makes her feel bad to talk about the fact she was having unprotected sex with some dirt bag for over a year, sure didn't stop her from doing it night after night after night. You need to be very clear about what you need from her in order to remain married to her, independent counselling should be at the top of the list. If you don't find out why she allowed herself the approval to cheat you are at very high risk for a repeat performance. Did you make her get tested for all STD's, if not do so. Have you told other man's spouse or family about the infidelity? If not you need to do so but don't tell your wife you are going to expose him just do it. She created this mess and she needs to fix it to your satisfaction. If she is unwilling to do the work don't stay with her because you will never feel safe. She makes very poor decisions, why leave the fate of your marriage in her hands? Friend, if she can't make you feel safe don't waste another 10 years on her. You deserve a lot more effort from her, don't settle for damaged goods. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
i am gutted Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I am 42 yrs old and been married for 8 yrs (together for 12).My wife cheated had an affair that lasted over a year. The affair ended over a year ago but I only found out about the affair about 6 months ago. I am still an emotional wreck. I know I should have left her, but I love her and can't quite bring myself to divorce her yet. I sometimes obsess about her doing it because it just totally shocked me and seemed so "out of character" from the lady I knew. Anyway, just tired of hurting and obsessing. There are some good days but they are followed by days of craziness-crying, obsessing, and paranoid behavior that I have never experienced before. I never knew I could reach a low like this. I know there are bigger tragedies in the world but it doesn't feel like it to me at this moment in time. YES>>>>>>>>>>>.but this is your tragedy. take care,,,, lots of great advice on here, great people.. x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 You know what, its hard to survive infidelity when both are working at fixing it. But when the cheater doesn't want to help with what they have done, what hope do you have? Sorry, but if she doesn't want to fix it, then why do you want to stay? She is acting just as selfishly now as she was in her affair. That speaks volumes to me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) Thank you for your service to our country sir. Sorry that you are suffering this but it is a good thing you came to this place. Did she treat you badly during this affair? How did you find out? I ask because the answers will make it obvious your internal damage and your need for individual counseling and a-lot of it. As much as you love your life and want to cling to the comfort zone of your home, you are going to have to get yourself out of the situation long enough to repair yourself. That course of action will also force your wife to deal with herself... that is if she is worth keeping. There will be few here that will think your marriage would have a chance even if your wife became an angel and did all the right things. You are going to have to leave and start a new life. The sooner you leave the sooner you can start healing. And after that... who knows? Maybe she will come around and you can prove to be a bigger man that anyone on this board and take her back with full forgiveness. That would be a miracle... that was a long affair. Congratulations ahead of time on your new life. You will get there sooner or later. Don't be wishy washy... make a command decision. You would later regret any delay here, and the only way that your wife will ever respect you (if she is capable of such a thing), is if you will make the strong moves necessary for you both to be able to move on with your lives. Your wife is continuing her deception in that she is keeping the whole thing secret from you. It's not difficult to imagine that she could easily start another affair without a second thought. You would be constantly ill having to constantly watch her. You can't go on like this. Make the changes. Take action. Edited October 17, 2015 by Jonah 2 Link to post Share on other sites
conpron5 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Another thing I found that makes me feel suspicious was another man's name as a password on one of her accounts. It makes me think she may have yet another guy. The name for the password is a guy who delivers to a store she works at and she says has been friends for years and there is nothing other than friendship. This woman looks like a serial cheater. The pain does not go away because your guy is screaming at you.. Looks like the reason she is with you is because she wants a stable guy to be the kids dad. After a while, she started having some fun o the side... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hubster Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Well I don't mean to trivialize a tragic event but it's like a marital 9/11 The way things were before and now this. I hate the triggers, I hate to say it but my wife kissing our eldest child is a trigger and I have to move into the kitchen. Or even her exercising and doing squats in front of me, bending her butt, in the living room, again can't look. Her getting out of the shower naked ( again don't want to see as there is zero intimacy between us and doubt there ever will ) Going to a shopping mall at a station where they met and went to a short term hotel to conduct their affair ( again another trigger ) A 'Guess who' board game for my kid where one of the characters name is the same as her AP ( again another trigger ) Other friends we socialize with and the wife mentioning having more kids etc ( not in a million years and this is awkward as they don't know what happened ) Hurthusband, I can already relate to those things. When I drive by the park that they used to meet and have sex at (which floors me because my wife is so "responsible" and always has been to risk getting caught at a park or arrested is just beyond me...like a teenager) and then every single time she even looks at her phone or opens her Ipad, I cringe and wonder if she is talking to someone she shouldn't be. I hate the sound of a new text coming in. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hubster Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 How did you find out? I started have that "sixth sense" feeling because things had been going really badly for use for about a year so one time she asked me to reply to an email for her for a possible new job because I type much faster than her and I saw one with subject "cheating" which was very weird to me. I had never snooped in her stuff before because I never had any suspicions. So later, I opened it up and it had copies of texts where her and the OM had talked farely explicitly back and forth. It was vague though so it looked liked the texts from her old phone. She still had this old phone and it was even still kept on a charger for some reason on her night stand even though it had no service, so I went on it and saw the texts between them but there was a gap that didn't tell the whole story and left some interpretation. So I confronted her and she said she crossed the line that it was basically sexting but nothing physical. That hurt but I was willing to get past it. As time went on and I snooped more, I found more and more and she finally broke down and told me the majority of the truth and then because I became obsessed I began finding more details because she wasn't as good at hiding her tracks as she could have been. By the time I caught her, she had already told his wife because she broke it off but he wouldn't stop contacting her etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hubster Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 It takes two to reconcile...if she is not willing to help you...you have to decide what is best for you. discuss it with your ic and also seek the advice of a lawyer You are a very logical person and I know that you are right. The problem is that I am so confused, emotional, and irrational. It is like logically I should obviously leave and speak to a lawyer. Emotionally I can't imagine my life without my family and my wife. Maybe I am holding on to an idea that is over anyway. I appreciate your candor Mrs. John Adams but I don't know what I am ready or prepared to do. I was stronger early on. I moved out for a month so we could both "clear our heads" to make a decision. I came back and told her that I did not trust her and needed a few more weeks to think. So then I told her I was moving back in but that we needed to plan on getting a divorce. She asked if I could give her a year to get her financial affairs in order and we could have an amicable divorce and could her and the kids stay in the house...so I said that is agreeable for now that we would talk later. So then she started saying she didn't really want a divorce and I agreed and we were doing well for a while by sort of burying our heads in the sand, of course, resentment, hurt, pain, anger, and depression creeped in on my end things started to blow up. Honestly, it may have gotten to that point but had my wife showed more affection and love during the healing I think it would have helped but she was and still is going through depression from the abortion she had to "save our marriage" and the guilt from the affair, according to her. I thought that I too was a logical person but it turns out that I am a big, soft, ball of emotions that can barely function. On a positive note, this is a great diet plan--I have managed to lose 30 lbs in 4 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 If you agreed to give her time...then that is exactly what you need to do. HOWEVER....during that time...you both need to be doing things to mend the relationship....EVEN if you still decide to divorce. You both need to be going for ic and mc.....you both need to see a lawyer to find out what steps need to be taken in preparation for a divorce....to find out your rights and where you stand....and to discuss how you want to handle things financially. you both need to be on forums asking questions, you both need to be reading books....You both need to be TALKING an communicating. You don't spend the next year just waiting. You need to be proactive. So you gave her a year....and in the year you do all the things i have recommended....and at the end of that year...you may decide...enough is enough and divorce....or may you may decide...I think we can keep working on this reconciliation. Either way...you use the year to help you heal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Quite simply, it sounds like she is still thinking only of herself. A truly repentant WW would, at this point, be doing anything you asked....and some of these you wouldn't even HAVE to ask. It is on HER to get on board and begin thinking of YOU. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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