Nonsense55 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I'm a professional woman and my partner said tonight that he thinks I'm much better in bed than I am at my profession. I immediately said..I want to be valued for my profession too! He got angry and said I was picking fight. And ruining the night. He was super angry. Am I wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Is there a chance he was just joking around? A lame attempt at a compliment? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nonsense55 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) I tried thinking of it that way. But he immediately said "this is a problem... You see this as a competition between us and this is a huge problem." I said no! I just want respect mutually. And he has totally stone walled me for sex etc. he said I should go to sleep and rest up for work...since im such a provider. Is there a chance he was just joking around? A lame attempt at a compliment? Edited October 17, 2015 by Nonsense55 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Sounds to me as if he was trying to pay you a compliment and missed the boat. Now he's frustrated about it. He blew it, knows it, feels horrible about it but doesn't know how to solve it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I tried thinking of it that way. But he immediately said "this is a problem... You see this as a competition between us and this is a huge problem." I said no! I just want respect mutually. And he has totally stone walled me for sex etc. he said I should go to sleep and rest up for work...since im such a provider. Sounds like the tip of the iceberg. What was the argument really about ??? Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Nonsense55, I've been where you are. Unfortunately your partner has a problem with your professional success which seems to make him feel inferior. And he has totally stone walled me for sex etc. ^^^ so he's punishing you because he feels bad about himself ! he said I should go to sleep and rest up for work...since im such a provider. ^^^ that's just plain nasty. This is all about him and nothing about you. My first husband was like this - he liked the money I bought in but didn't like the fact I earned more than he did. He also avoided sex as punishment for my "success". I don't know what the answer is (you know this guy better than any of us) but I think you need to try to talk to him about this. If he won't talk and continues to withhold sex then you need to ask yourself if you want to stay with him. I'm sorry x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I'm a professional woman and my partner said tonight that he thinks I'm much better in bed than I am at my profession. I immediately said..I want to be valued for my profession too! He got angry and said I was picking fight. And ruining the night. He was super angry. Am I wrong? When given a compliment, a thank you will suffice. In what way is his opinion , which is subjective, wrong of him to convey? I think where things got off track was injecting that you valued your job too. Which devalued his otherwise compliment...(he thinks ur good in bed, great!) He does owe you an apology though for his one remark.. that was a bit snarky.. Sometimes a cigar is a cigar.. choose kindness . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 When given a compliment, a thank you will suffice. In what way is his opinion , which is subjective, wrong of him to convey? I think where things got off track was injecting that you valued your job too. Which devalued his otherwise compliment...(he thinks ur good in bed, great!) He does owe you an apology though for his one remark.. that was a bit snarky.. Sometimes a cigar is a cigar.. choose kindness . Umm he said Better in bed than in her profession. Isn't actually saying she is good in bed, just better than in her job. Sorry, I would have reacted the same and had the same line of logic. I would NEVER think to tell my husband that he is better in bed than in his career as he is great at both and valued at both. To be broken down to that equation, which doesn't even make any sense why the two need to be compared would have pissed me off. And then to have gotten attitude for it. Nope. I would have been livid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 The one thing i have learned in 43 years of marriage is this....pick your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff. Life is to short to get hung up over silliness like this. Sometimes we say stupid things. We just do. He most likely did not mean anything negative...but you took it that way. This is not worth the attention you are giving it. Trust me...there are lots bigger things to fight over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nonsense55 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Well the problem is ...I let it go. And he kept fighting. So badly that when I came to bed in lingerie he rejected me. He said he "values my work ethic" so much he won't have sex with me. I tried to kiss him and relax him and tell him to stop holding onto this and he wouldn't. I said "please.." He said don't beg... You are acting pathetic. I started to cry and he said "way to be the victim..." It ended with him saying I need to think about what I'm doing and how I'm ruining our relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Is this a boyfriend or a husband? Time to think about what YOU want and if this relationship is healthy for you. No guy who loves his partner, who respects her, adores her, cherishes her, would play games and BE SUCH AN A-HOLE like he is. Sounds like a real jerk so ask yourself if you're truly happy with him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. Love isn't supposed to make you feel bad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I'm a professional woman and my partner said tonight that he thinks I'm much better in bed than I am at my profession. I immediately said..I want to be valued for my profession too! He got angry and said I was picking fight. And ruining the night. it depends on the context. Were you in bed making out? you bet if you're in bed and your hubby pays you a compliment about sex, you won't start talking about your professional accomplishments... no ? I mean, that's a sure sex drive killer. don't get me wrong, I'm all up for professional recognition and stuff... but there is a time and place for everything. Think about it strategically: what's your purpose? do you want to make him recognize in front of you that you're not only a sex queen but also a career goddess, when he is obviously sensitive about the later? Girl... I think he is jitterish and insecure about that, so... if I were you, for your couple's sake, I would not shove it down his throat. You know you're good, right? Trust me, he knows it too. If you want an ego boost about it... try to get it from your friends... no one's perfect, so for your RS sake, do manage his sensibilities a bit better. It's a nice thing to do. Maybe he'll do the same with you... However if you see that he tries to belittle you and it turns into a proper argument about your performance, you can always say that he doesn't know you at work as he's never worked with you - so he's giving his perception / uninformed opinion about your performance / professional capabilities. And you can also tell him that you get that a lot from your boss and don't need to be judged or evaluated in the privacy of your own house. And leave it there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 He probably got pissed because....wait for it...you got pissed. He thought he was complimenting you...you took it the opposite way he meant it....you snapped at him...and now he snapped at you....and the mood was certainly gone. He was wrong to sulk about it...and you both sound like you have some issues that need to be addressed. You need to talk without confronting. Removing yourself from the moment before you discuss it can help. Allow feelings to calm down and then address why you BOTH reacted the way you did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Are you both in the same profession? Does he actually understand your job? How would he know how good or bad you are at your job? Men don't always get compliments right, which is what he was trying to give you. He could have just said "your a great lover" or "your a tiger in bed" I'm not sure why he needed to bring your profession into it TBH. A straight forward complement would have been great. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I think initially he was paying you a compliment and your serious response took his playful flirtatiousness in a different direction. As quickly as things headed south, sounds to me like there are some underlying issues in the relationship concerning equality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 What exactly IS your profession - and do YOU think you are good at it? If the answer is yes, then you know what to do about him and his remarks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nonsense55 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 We are not in the same profession. I make a very good living, but he makes more. He doesn't like the fact that I do as well as I do...in fact, I see him often acting like we are competing. The other day he told someone at work that I got him a new car for his birthday. That's not true...but he then said... (To me only) I should have said she got me a hot car and she's an amazing pus@y. I was kind on that one ...I gently said...laughing...oh my...I guess that should be my headline. Men would line up. I buy them hot cars and I have an amazing puss@. That's all men care about, right? He laughed and said....pretty much! I let that one slide..but when he said this last night (at a bar while listening to music) I was nice ...but I said ..."I would hope you value me equally in bed and professionally! He got very upset right away and said I accused him of only wanting me for sex. I said no...never did. Just Want you to value me for both in life. Then he said "you have a real problem...your self worth is only on your profession. You are screwed up in Ghe head.." That hurt but I still backed down and said ...please don't ruin the night! Let's just relax. I will just let this all go... He said we needed to leave and he then turned me down for sex etc. and when I got teary...he said great ...now I've rejected you and you are gonna go find a guy who won't. You are gonna leave me. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 We are not in the same profession. I make a very good living, but he makes more. He doesn't like the fact that I do as well as I do...in fact, I see him often acting like we are competing. The other day he told someone at work that I got him a new car for his birthday. That's not true...but he then said... (To me only) I should have said she got me a hot car and she's an amazing pus@y. I was kind on that one ...I gently said...laughing...oh my...I guess that should be my headline. Men would line up. I buy them hot cars and I have an amazing puss@. That's all men care about, right? He laughed and said....pretty much! I let that one slide..but when he said this last night (at a bar while listening to music) I was nice ...but I said ..."I would hope you value me equally in bed and professionally! He got very upset right away and said I accused him of only wanting me for sex. I said no...never did. Just Want you to value me for both in life. Then he said "you have a real problem...your self worth is only on your profession. You are screwed up in Ghe head.." That hurt but I still backed down and said ...please don't ruin the night! Let's just relax. I will just let this all go... He said we needed to leave and he then turned me down for sex etc. and when I got teary...he said great ...now I've rejected you and you are gonna go find a guy who won't. You are gonna leave me. he's insecure and has very little self-esteem, so he belittles you by alluding to the fact that actually, you may be an independent woman with a good job and an ability to channel your own earnings - but he prefers to just use you for sex... he's quite chauvinistic in his carnal insistence - and is using it as a tool to manipulate him. I'm sorry, but you should fulfil his prophecy, and find someone who makes you feel good and values you for the whole of who you are. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 ok story has taken an ugly turn......funny how that happens. Sorry about your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Excuse the error: (bold text). he's insecure and has very little self-esteem, so he belittles you by alluding to the fact that actually, you may be an independent woman with a good job and an ability to channel your own earnings - but he prefers to just use you for sex... he's quite chauvinistic in his carnal insistence - and is using it as a tool to manipulate him YOU. I'm sorry, but you should fulfil his prophecy, and find someone who makes you feel good and values you for the whole of who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) I see this differently: The other day he told someone at work that I got him a new car for his birthday. That's not true...but he then said... (To me only) I should have said she got me a hot car and she's an amazing pus@y.[/Quote] This, to me, sounds like he was bragging on you to his co-workers about the "gifts" you are capable of giving him bc you are successful, and then Privately added that you are an amazing puss puss bc he enjoys being tangled between the sheets with you. Personally, I'd have taken that as a compliment. I was kind on that one ...I gently said...laughing...oh my...I guess that should be my headline. Men would line up. I buy them hot cars and I have an amazing puss@. That's all men care about, right? He laughed and said....pretty much! I let that one slide..but when he said this last night (at a bar while listening to music) I was nice ...but I said ..."I would hope you value me equally in bed and professionally! He got very upset right away and said I accused him of only wanting me for sex. I said no...never did. Just Want you to value me for both in life. Then he said "you have a real problem...your self worth is only on your profession. You are screwed up in Ghe head.."[/Quote] Again, you brought up this conversation, Laughing. Maybe he thought you were "in a/the mood" and in a roundabout way was teasing him with an offhanded offer - all in good fun. Gotta say, you did lump him into a stereotyped category when you made the comment about sex being all men really wanted. Yes, he answered your question by saying "pretty much." My husband could say the same thing about me...that I want him for sex. I'd respond with the same answer your partner did, while laughing amorously and hoping the verbal innuendo and foreplay worked so that when we got home I could tear off his clothes and go for it. A talented professional doesn't need someone else to constantly tell them how awesome and wonderful they are in their career. The quality of their work speaks for them. To me, you have a need for His praise and reassurance in order to feel valued. Why is that? That hurt but I still backed down and said ...please don't ruin the night! Let's just relax. I will just let this all go... He said we needed to leave and he then turned me down for sex etc. and when I got teary...he said great ...now I've rejected you and you are gonna go find a guy who won't. You are gonna leave me. Of course he rejected your advancement for sex... bc sex isn't his motivation for being with you. You kept placing emphasis on your professionalism and claimed his motive for being with you is for sex. My take on this is that he can't pay you a compliment for being an awesome sexual prowess without repercussions for not acknowledging how successful you are in your career. Edit: I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a person I couldn't flirt with. It's all perception though. I'd see his comments as flirtation and you see them as objectification. Edited October 17, 2015 by Methodical 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) I posted the following before reading Methodical's above post and also want to add that Methodical's post resonates with me: Nonsense55, from the way you describe your guy he sounds a little insecure to me. But, I would imagine if he were to tell his version of the story it'd be different than the one you're telling, NOT that your version isn't accurate, just that his perception may cast the story in a different light. If the two of you really love each other I'd advise some kind of couples' counseling. It sounds to me as if your own normal human insecurities combined with his are causing issues between the two of you. Imo, sometimes people's insecurities can complement each other so they don't cause a problem but sometimes they're of a nature that cause a couple to clash a lot. I don't think I've ever gotten to know anyone well who didn't have some and believe how well you can support others in and in spite of their insecurities goes a long way toward predicting how well you can function in relationships of all types. You can probably overcome these issues together with a good counselor, I would think but if both of you don't get some insight into what you're dealing with from an outside perspective you might be in for a rocky road in this relationship as you continue. This is just a hunch I have from reading your posts, what do you think about it? Edited October 17, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 We are not in the same profession. I make a very good living, but he makes more. He doesn't like the fact that I do as well as I do...in fact, I see him often acting like we are competing. The other day he told someone at work that I got him a new car for his birthday. That's not true...but he then said... (To me only) I should have said she got me a hot car and she's an amazing pus@y. I was kind on that one ...I gently said...laughing...oh my...I guess that should be my headline. Men would line up. I buy them hot cars and I have an amazing puss@. That's all men care about, right? He laughed and said....pretty much! I let that one slide..but when he said this last night (at a bar while listening to music) I was nice ...but I said ..."I would hope you value me equally in bed and professionally! He got very upset right away and said I accused him of only wanting me for sex. I said no...never did. Just Want you to value me for both in life. Then he said "you have a real problem...your self worth is only on your profession. You are screwed up in Ghe head.." That hurt but I still backed down and said ...please don't ruin the night! Let's just relax. I will just let this all go... He said we needed to leave and he then turned me down for sex etc. and when I got teary...he said great ...now I've rejected you and you are gonna go find a guy who won't. You are gonna leave me. So what qualifies him to say that you're MUCH better in bed than at your job? I accept that this could just be a joke, but it would have been just as easy to give that complement without mentioning your profession. His insecurities are making him behave like this. You know you're good at your job and perhaps ignoring his comments on this altogether would avoid any stress. Just act like you never heard what he said. Although he earns more than you, you're doing very well and if you had to, you could manage on your own. Not forgetting the fact that he clearly finds you sexually attractive and assumes other guys would do as well, so knowing you could be financially independent is playing on his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 He got very upset right away and said I accused him of only wanting me for sex. I said no...never did. Just Want you to value me for both in life. Then he said "you have a real problem...your self worth is only on your profession. You are screwed up in Ghe head.." That hurt but I still backed down and said ...please don't ruin the night! Let's just relax. I will just let this all go... He said we needed to leave and he then turned me down for sex etc. and when I got teary...he said great ...now I've rejected you and you are gonna go find a guy who won't. You are gonna leave me. I'm going to be very frank. He is being emotionally abusive. This terrible behaviour will never end he will just ramp it up more to undermine you. You need to leave him ASAP while you still have your mind intact. He will emotionally destroy you if you stay with a man like this. He is purposely saying disgusting things to you to undermine your self worth so he can control you. It is disgusting how he treats you. My jaw dropped when I read the pussy comment. Seriously you deserve to be with a loving man, not this pond scum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I'm just thinking, also, that he says it because he knows it riles you. He wants a reaction, because he wants to take the upper hand in the fight, turn the blame back onto you and make you feel bad. If you were just to smile sweetly, and just say "yes dear, I'm sure you're right" and kiss him, it would totally disarm him and take the wind out of his sails. If he sulks and gets all pissy-with-it, you know you've got him.... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts