I can't believe he said this!

[Nonsense55]

I believe many things are at play here. He's insecure and terribly controlling and jealous because of it. I have no friends left because he doesn't like them or worries I'm talking to them about him. He too spends all of his time with me. All of it.

 

He got angry he says at me last night because of the accusation that he just uses me for sex (I didn't say that). He says it's because it made him feel dirty. He loves me and wants the best for me.

 

As for the sex part. He is always groping me in the stores. Grabbing my butt...and in the house coming up and acting like he's going to jump me. He talks about my "puss@" all the time. And he also calls me "Nasty" at least 20 times a day. He uses that term sexually (like hot)

 

When I express concern about any of this language he says that something is wrong with me and I am acting Cold.

 

I do think he loves me but he is very emotionally abusive to me during fights. It's tough not to cry. And my tears will send him into a rage.

 

 

I'm going to be very frank. He is being emotionally abusive. This terrible behaviour will never end he will just ramp it up more to undermine you. You need to leave him ASAP while you still have your mind intact. He will emotionally destroy you if you stay with a man like this. He is purposely saying disgusting things to you to undermine your self worth so he can control you.

 

It is disgusting how he treats you. My jaw dropped when I read the pussy comment. Seriously you deserve to be with a loving man, not this pond scum.

[TaraMaiden2]

I believe many things are at play here. He's insecure and terribly controlling and jealous because of it. I have no friends left because he doesn't like them or worries I'm talking to them about him. He too spends all of his time with me. All of it.

 

He got angry he says at me last night because of the accusation that he just uses me for sex (I didn't say that). He says it's because it made him feel dirty. He loves me and wants the best for me.

 

As for the sex part. He is always groping me in the stores. Grabbing my butt...and in the house coming up and acting like he's going to jump me. He talks about my "puss@" all the time. And he also calls me "Nasty" at least 20 times a day. He uses that term sexually (like hot)

 

When I express concern about any of this language he says that something is wrong with me and I am acting Cold.

 

I do think he loves me but he is very emotionally abusive to me during fights. It's tough not to cry. And my tears will send him into a rage.

 

Read what you just wrote again.

 

He's very emotionally abusive during 'not fights', too... He's objectifying you. You're a piece of meat to him, and when you protest, he turns it round on you as if objecting is the real 'crime' not his comments....

 

He doesn't love you, because the way he is treating you is not typical of the emotion we call 'love'.

He doesn't love you as you deserve; he 'loves' you in a manipulative and dysfunctional, toxic way.

[TX-SC]

"Honey, you are absolutely phenomenal! You're such a great lover to me. You are best I have ever seen!" YES

 

"Dang,, you're better at sex than at being a professional." um, NO.

 

Some people just suck at compliments.

 

And some people suck at life.

[Dolfin80]

Get a copy of this book, it's all about abuse tactics.

 

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books

[Nonsense55]

Yes and the control extends to money...family... My family can't stand him because I have shared too much during times of fights.

 

The problem is I have said j was going to leave too many times...and haven't. I love him. But I feel so sad these days. I cry often and get scared for my own well being.

 

Read what you just wrote again.

 

He's very emotionally abusive during 'not fights', too... He's objectifying you. You're a piece of meat to him, and when you protest, he turns it round on you as if objecting is the real 'crime' not his comments....

 

He doesn't love you, because the way he is treating you is not typical of the emotion we call 'love'.

He doesn't love you as you deserve; he 'loves' you in a manipulative and dysfunctional, toxic way.

[bathtub-row]

I hope you will figure out really soon that you need to leave this abusive, condescending jerk. All abusers do the things you talk about: they insult you and then say they're joking, they're jealous and possessive, they hate any form of success by their victim, they abuse you further when you show signs of being hurt, and they isolate their victim from everyone.

 

Do not interpret his behaviors to be a measure of love for you. I can cut this short for you -- he is broken and unfixable. You're most self-loving act would be to get out of that relationship fast. There's a VERY good reason why your family hates him.

[Mr. Lucky]

The problem is I have said j was going to leave too many times...and haven't. I love him. But I feel so sad these days. I cry often and get scared for my own well being.

 

It's a common suggestion here but the two of you are poster children for MC. You don't just speak different love languages, you're on different planets.

 

The communication - and resulting potential for offense - seems lacking in many ways...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TunaCat]

The problem is I have said j was going to leave too many times...and haven't. I love him.

 

I understand that you love him OP, but you need to love yourself more. At first I was willing to think that he was just joking around, but as I kept reading this thread, I realized that he is verbally abusive.

 

You deserve better than this ass.

 

Love yourself more. Respect yourself enough to realize that you deserve so much better.

[sandylee1]

There's a lot of jealously and insecurity on his part.

He obviously finds you sexually attractive and has a fear that other men will too and that you'll leave him.

 

Yes, it's great to know your husband desires you, but the groping is too much. It's as though sex is all your good for. Right now he's got a successful and attractive wife and he's fearful that you can stand on your own two feet and go it alone if necessary.

 

You should seek marriage counselling and you'll be able to say on neutral ground how his actions affect you.

 

My husband got a little sulky when I told him that I don't like my a** or boobs grabbed. That just makes me feel like an object and it's not romantic in any way.

 

If your husband loves you and wants this to work, then he'll agree to MC. I do believe he's scared you'll find another guy and dump him, but that's no excuse for his behaviour.

[central]

To me it sounds like an insult embedded in a compliment. I'd say he does not respect your professional accomplishments and only values you for your sexual ability. There is a decided lack of respect for you.

[Methodical]

The more you have elaborated, the more I tend to agree. You didn't mention his control issues with money and such in your initial post. Anyone who reduces you to tears on a regular basis is toxic.

 

I do, however, stand by my opinion that you are insecure, probably due to the belittling that has come to light. You are a professional woman and I doubt you "need" him for anything.

 

It's time you start believing in yourself and take a stand.

[hudson701]

Woah!!! All the female posters out for his throat here! I can't believe how strong some of the suggestions are?!?! "Leave him!" "Find some one who deserves you!" Basically suggesting you divorce him. This is ridiculous and just highlights the post the other day about divorce/breakups being recommend too much.

 

For goodness sake! Jeezzzz... His ego is a little bruised, that's all. I'm a man and experienced this many times. Just don't bring it up with him again, in any form whatsoever, and understand this is one of his buttons not to be pushed in future. We all have them. And as for gropping... Seriously I would start worrying when that suddenly stops because when I'm loved up I can't keep my hands off my gf. If it suddenly stops something is drastically wrong with a breakup imminent.

[TaraMaiden2]

If you'd actually paid attention to the OP's posts (instead of focusing on the normal, commendable and frankly accurate advice the OP has been given), how would you suggest she seek to encourage this man to remedy his controlling and patronising behaviour?

[hudson701]

If you'd actually paid attention to the OP's posts (instead of focusing on the normal, commendable and frankly accurate advice the OP has been given), how would you suggest she seek to encourage this man to remedy his controlling and patronising behaviour?

 

Yet you have suggested she leave him after he made a serious of flippant comments? The woman is not being physically beaten here, robbed of her money or subjected to serious emotional torture.

 

Husband made a sexist remark. She got arsey. He got arsey. This has happened before. That's it.

 

GET A GRIP- this is not a solid basis to leave someone! What is it with you and this vendetta to have against men? This 'go girl' mentality constantly projected? And i see it in so many other female posters here? It is so anti-men on here sometimes it is quite shocking and repulsive to read.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yet you have suggested she leave him after he made a serious of flippant comments? The woman is not being physically beaten here, robbed of her money or subjected to serious emotional torture.

 

Husband made a sexist remark. She got arsey. He got arsey. This has happened before. That's it.

 

GET A GRIP- this is not a solid basis to leave someone! What is it with you and this vendetta to have against men? This 'go girl' mentality constantly projected? And i see it in so many other female posters here? It is so anti-men on here sometimes it is quite shocking and repulsive to read.

 

It wasn't an isolated incident.

Taking all matters into consideration, the OP is better and safer away from him than with him.

One remark? absolutely no reason to quit.

Sustained and constant deliberate humiliation?

I think there's a case to answer.

[Got it]

Yet you have suggested she leave him after he made a serious of flippant comments? The woman is not being physically beaten here, robbed of her money or subjected to serious emotional torture.

 

Husband made a sexist remark. She got arsey. He got arsey. This has happened before. That's it.

 

GET A GRIP- this is not a solid basis to leave someone! What is it with you and this vendetta to have against men? This 'go girl' mentality constantly projected? And i see it in so many other female posters here? It is so anti-men on here sometimes it is quite shocking and repulsive to read.

 

So a woman should tolerate said statements? Sorry but my marriage would not continue if we denigrated each other like this. I think you are losing sight of the forest for the trees.

 

And this is a PRIME example of so many men's issues with high earning woman but the same who cry foul when their non high earning wife is awarded child support and alimony.

 

OP - I am not saying divorce but I do think you two need marriage counseling. It is not good that your family has written him off either, said that there is a long history of issues where that need to be addressed. You two are headed for divorce if you both are open and willing to work on these issues. Why he sees your potential as a threat blows my mind but that is something he either needs to accept and even see the positives or divorce you so he isn't threatened.

[whichwayisup]

I believe many things are at play here. He's insecure and terribly controlling and jealous because of it. I have no friends left because he doesn't like them or worries I'm talking to them about him. He too spends all of his time with me. All of it.

 

ALL the more reason to end it with him. You are in a totally unhealthy and damaging relationship and if you choose to stay, you're going to lose who you are. You back down so easily, scared to rock the boat, scared to piss him off. He treats you with NO respect and you're allowing him to do this to you. Then he has the balls to blame you and then acts passive.

[m.snow]

a PRIME example of so many men's issues with high earning woman.

 

OP somehow you are painting your partner to be a "man who has issues with high earning woman".

 

I believe that in itself is influencing your relationship.

there is strong desire for recognition.

 

the example so far still does not say who partner is.

making something big out of something small.

 

taking "jokes" seriously is a sign.

 

Sustained and constant deliberate humiliation?

 

~That is the real question, ARE THEY REALLY SUSTAINED?

or are they few and far in between?

Edited October 19, 2015 by m.snow

[kilgore]

I tried thinking of it that way. But he immediately said "this is a problem... You see this as a competition between us and this is a huge problem." I said no! I just want respect mutually.

 

 

And he has totally stone walled me for sex etc. he said I should go to sleep and rest up for work...since im such a provider.

 

That is kind of hostile on his part. Is your job generally a source of tension for some reason? Does he feel threatened?

[Rejected Rosebud]

His ego is a little bruised, that's all.

Are you kidding me??? The OP has said not one even remotely decent thing about this man. She has made him out to be a brutal monster. He gropes her in stores, calls her "nasty" 20 times a day, won't let her have friends, is controlling and jealous all the time, talks about her pussy nonstop!!!!

The woman is not being physically beaten here, robbed of her money or subjected to serious emotional torture.

Well I guess that if you think those are the only reasons to leave a relationship ... I sure don't!! If my guy did ANY of those things regularly ... well I sure would not have stuck around for a lot more of it.

 

But we don't really know the guy anyway, all we have is a person who comes on here and portrays herself as a hapless victim and her husband as a hellish beast!!! And is NOT looking for any help, support or advice at all. That says alot about YOU, OP. Like, what is in this for you??? Are you suffering from battered woman syndrome so you can't do anything about this? Or are you really wanting to be seen as a victim?? I'm sure happy you two don't have any kids. :(

 

OP I really think YOU need intensive therapy like starting tomorrow!! I don't know about your husband but you need professional help and fast!!! :eek:

[m.snow]

Are you kidding me??? The OP has said not one even remotely decent thing about this man. She has made him out to be a brutal monster. He gropes her in stores, calls her "nasty" 20 times a day,:

 

~a brutal monster?

 

~the word "nasty". coin that word in sexual context then it seems to be more again a "complement". As the partner seems to prefer a more "dirty" approach.

 

ie instance where a lover prefer to use the words:

"i wanna f**k you tonight" instead of "i wanna make love to you tonight.

 

you have to also take things like "groping" into context.

~say what if the atmosphere was sexually heightened. "kinky" at the time or the situation was "naughty".

 

to ignore the sexual nature. and to conclude without at taking into account the youthful intimacy between intimately sexual partners.

 

I say this clearly shows "resentment" towards the lover.

[TaraMaiden2]

~a brutal monster?

 

~the word "nasty". coin that word in sexual context then it seems to be more again a "complement". As the partner seems to prefer a more "dirty" approach.

 

ie instance where a lover prefer to use the words:

"i wanna f**k you tonight" instead of "i wanna make love to you tonight.

 

you have to also take things like "groping" into context.

~say what if the atmosphere was sexually heightened. "kinky" at the time or the situation was "naughty".

 

to ignore the sexual nature. and to conclude without at taking into account the youthful intimacy between intimately sexual partners.

 

I say this clearly shows "resentment" towards the lover.

 

So you'd think nothing of treating your partner in the same way....?

 

Interesting.

[Rejected Rosebud]

~a brutal monster?

 

~the word "nasty". coin that word in sexual context then it seems to be more again a "complement". As the partner seems to prefer a more "dirty" approach.

 

ie instance where a lover prefer to use the words:

"i wanna f**k you tonight" instead of "i wanna make love to you tonight.

OK, but "at least" 20 times a day when she clearly hates it???

 

you have to also take things like "groping" into context.

~say what if the atmosphere was sexually heightened. "kinky" at the time or the situation was "naughty".

Are you reading this thread?? She said it is while they are shopping ... and she hates it. If a woman hates being groped, it's not okay to grope her ... or do you disagree with that??

[Mrs. John Adams]

Clearly this is a toxic relationship....i cannot believe how terrible it is actually.

 

The foundation for any relationship is mutual respect...and clearly that element is missing.

 

Personally...it fills like immature behavior from both parties to me. Breaking up is not only the right thing to do...but both of you will probably be relieved that is is over....and thankfully....you saved yourself a divorce down the road.

 

Good luck to the both of you.

[Nonsense55]

I am seeing both sides of this coin here…and that’s mainly the reason I stay.

 

For the person who asked if this stuff is infrequent…it’s not. In fact, my fiancé constantly mentions that….he says I always have a problem.

 

Our relationship is very odd. We are SO good in many ways. We love being together and I have a great deal of respect for him.

 

But, he is full of drama. For example, I just recently took him away on a surprise birthday trip. Then when we got home, I had a party/dinner arranged with his family and friends. I also got him a very nice gift.

 

He was very difficult almost the entire time. Including our weekend getaway...

 

He was very happy the first night(Saturday), but the following morning ...he told me I had "ruined the day and night" because I told him that I wanted to go see my son on Monday. (from my previous marriage)

 

He was very angry because he would be working when I wanted to go see him...and he couldn't go with me.

 

He said he was so mad, he just wanted to go home. So we checked out of the hotel. As we came down to the lobby ...he said shouldn't we just go home?? (angrily)

 

I said it is up to you. I don't understand why you are so upset. I made this entire weekend about you...and visiting my son (out of town) while you are at work shouldn't be a problem.

 

In the lobby ...he said the problem is that I probably had this plan to see my son in my head (for Monday) and didn’t tell him or give him notice. And that 24 hours notice is NOT enough and he doesn’t like that I treat him like a child. Then he said loudly (in front of people) "make up your mind...do you want to get coffee here and leave for home or do you want to shop?”

 

I calmly said..."you said you wanted to leave." He started raising his voice in the lobby "omg why can't you make up your mind!" I said please don't scream...and I am happy to do whatever you like...it is your birthday!

 

He got very upset and started yelling that I am riduculous because I can't make up my mind and he is sick of my games.

 

I said...there's no game. I love you. This weekend was for your bday and I don't want you upset.

 

So he stormed off and got coffee and left me standing there...I started to walk and when I reached him ...he said he can't understand why I have to ruin his birthday.

 

He said AGAIN "what do you want to do???” I said I don't care. I just want to be with you. I DON’T CARE! If you want to go home...we will go!

 

He stormed off and we drove home and he yelled the whole time about how I should have given him at least 48 hours notice about my intention to go see my son.

 

Then we came home..and went to his surprise birthday dinner with his family and he was okay…. and then he was back to telling me how much he loved me and can’t live without me and how he appreciates everything I do. But, he gets very angry when he sees my guilt (over not seeing my son) because he feels powerless and can’t make me happy 24/7.

 

He lives to be with me. It’s true…pretty much everything we do …is together and I can see most of the time…all he cares about…is making me happy. But, what he’s not getting…is that the drama and hurt — won’t make ANYONE happy.

 

Like last night, he woke up in the middle of the night and said he wasn’t feeling well and thought he was having a heart attack. Then, he said he used to be so healthy before he met me…. I rubbed his back and tried to calm him down and he started saying he was fat. I told him to stop…he’s not fat. (he works out A LOT) He said that I refuse to see reality and I must live in some fantasy world. I said, please stop.

 

He said "again — i’m fat and you won’t acknowledge that I’ve gained 10 pounds. Then he said “I think you WANT me fat!”

 

Then this morning — he is back to how much he loves me and cherishes me….and how he can’t wait to get home to me… It’s a roller coaster.