I can't believe he said this!

[qubist]

he needs help, a professional help. have you talk to him about an independent therapy? he is abviousely so insecure

[Nonsense55]

No he doesn't want or desire therapy. He says his insecurity is rooted in my back and forth on committing to him early on. So I always feel responsible and feel need to comfort and smooth things over.

[anika99]

~a brutal monster?

 

~the word "nasty". coin that word in sexual context then it seems to be more again a "complement". As the partner seems to prefer a more "dirty" approach.

 

ie instance where a lover prefer to use the words:

"i wanna f**k you tonight" instead of "i wanna make love to you tonight.

 

you have to also take things like "groping" into context.

~say what if the atmosphere was sexually heightened. "kinky" at the time or the situation was "naughty".

 

to ignore the sexual nature. and to conclude without at taking into account the youthful intimacy between intimately sexual partners.

 

I say this clearly shows "resentment" towards the lover.

 

The OP said he gropes her all the time in public. I don't think shopping is a kinky situation. The OP has also said she has no friends anymore because of his insecurities. By reading the first post on this thread I too thought maybe it was just a badly worded compliment but as more information has been given it has become clear that this guy does not respect the OP and that the intent behind his words is to insult and belittle. Not sure why you are so hell bent on defending him.

 

OP I feel like you are telling the same story over and over again using different usernames. There was a very similar thread about your BF getting pissed about you visiting your child except on that thread you said it was your daughter instead of your son. I apologize if I'm wrong but I don't think I am as your stories and your posting style have become sort of easy to recognize. I think you posted several threads under your first username about how awful this guy is. People told you not to move to be with him, to put your child first and to stay in the same town that your child lives in so you could be a good mom. You continually ignored that advice so that you could put your focus on this creepy guy and posters became frustrated at your constant complaining while doing nothing to change the situation, so that's when you started using multiple usernames and changing small details. I may be wrong about this but I don't think I am.

 

It doesn't matter though because no matter how many usernames you use the advice is always going to be the same. Put your kid first. Stop putting this guy ahead of your child. He is abusive and he doesn't really love you and you need to give your time and attention to the person who does really love you which is your child. Nothing is going to change until you change it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then this morning — he is back to how much he loves me and cherishes me….and how he can’t wait to get home to me… It’s a roller coaster.

 

Were I in your shoes, don't think I'd be angry or frustrated as much as I'd be exhausted. You do realize there's a life out there with relationships free of all this drama, manipulation and martyrdom, right?

 

I'm curious about your H's background - previous marriage? Broken home? Close to his family? Success in his field? He seems at best difficult, at worst BPD. As you've described him, I'd guess he struggles with most of the relationships in his life, not just limited to marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Nonsense55]

He comes from a very close family. His parents are still together after 45 years. He has been divorced before..though. He's professionally...successful, too.

 

He was adopted at birth. Met his biological mother about 5 years ago. She's a nightmare. But, no problems other than that in his life.

 

He has a few friends who he has pretty much lost after meeting me...because he always wants to be with me. We go out with them from time to time...but, he used to spend a lot of time in clubs and partying with them. Now, he is with me...where he says he's most happy.

[Rejected Rosebud]

No he doesn't want or desire therapy.

What about you getting the help you need though?

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

Our relationship is very odd. We are SO good in many ways. We love being together and I have a great deal of respect for him.

No you don't love being together or else you'd be coming here with threads about that instead of minutely detailing all the gross stuff he says and does, and no you don't respect him either obviously from the details you share on here!! Are you a newscaster??? Something here is ringing a bell.

[Keats]

You sound like your being emotionally tortured.

 

And he is emotionally abusive.

 

You can always find a story of why he is the way he is and reasons, so it makes sense and you can understand and accept him better.

 

But it doesn't mean his torture will end. He has shown he's not sorry or aware.

 

Doesn't matter how you explain things you'll always be the one at fault.

 

Doesn't sound like love to me. Love is kindness. First and foremost. Tbh he sounds horrible.

 

The high isn't worth your wellbeing.

Edited October 20, 2015 by Keats

[Dolfin80]

I am seeing both sides of this coin here…and that’s mainly the reason I stay.

 

For the person who asked if this stuff is infrequent…it’s not. In fact, my fiancé constantly mentions that….he says I always have a problem.

 

Our relationship is very odd. We are SO good in many ways. We love being together and I have a great deal of respect for him.

 

But, he is full of drama. For example, I just recently took him away on a surprise birthday trip. Then when we got home, I had a party/dinner arranged with his family and friends. I also got him a very nice gift.

 

He was very difficult almost the entire time. Including our weekend getaway...

 

He was very happy the first night(Saturday), but the following morning ...he told me I had "ruined the day and night" because I told him that I wanted to go see my son on Monday. (from my previous marriage)

 

He was very angry because he would be working when I wanted to go see him...and he couldn't go with me.

 

He said he was so mad, he just wanted to go home. So we checked out of the hotel. As we came down to the lobby ...he said shouldn't we just go home?? (angrily)

 

I said it is up to you. I don't understand why you are so upset. I made this entire weekend about you...and visiting my son (out of town) while you are at work shouldn't be a problem.

 

In the lobby ...he said the problem is that I probably had this plan to see my son in my head (for Monday) and didn’t tell him or give him notice. And that 24 hours notice is NOT enough and he doesn’t like that I treat him like a child. Then he said loudly (in front of people) "make up your mind...do you want to get coffee here and leave for home or do you want to shop?”

 

I calmly said..."you said you wanted to leave." He started raising his voice in the lobby "omg why can't you make up your mind!" I said please don't scream...and I am happy to do whatever you like...it is your birthday!

 

He got very upset and started yelling that I am riduculous because I can't make up my mind and he is sick of my games.

 

I said...there's no game. I love you. This weekend was for your bday and I don't want you upset.

 

So he stormed off and got coffee and left me standing there...I started to walk and when I reached him ...he said he can't understand why I have to ruin his birthday.

 

He said AGAIN "what do you want to do???” I said I don't care. I just want to be with you. I DON’T CARE! If you want to go home...we will go!

 

He stormed off and we drove home and he yelled the whole time about how I should have given him at least 48 hours notice about my intention to go see my son.

 

Then we came home..and went to his surprise birthday dinner with his family and he was okay…. and then he was back to telling me how much he loved me and can’t live without me and how he appreciates everything I do. But, he gets very angry when he sees my guilt (over not seeing my son) because he feels powerless and can’t make me happy 24/7.

 

He lives to be with me. It’s true…pretty much everything we do …is together and I can see most of the time…all he cares about…is making me happy. But, what he’s not getting…is that the drama and hurt — won’t make ANYONE happy.

 

Like last night, he woke up in the middle of the night and said he wasn’t feeling well and thought he was having a heart attack. Then, he said he used to be so healthy before he met me…. I rubbed his back and tried to calm him down and he started saying he was fat. I told him to stop…he’s not fat. (he works out A LOT) He said that I refuse to see reality and I must live in some fantasy world. I said, please stop.

 

He said "again — i’m fat and you won’t acknowledge that I’ve gained 10 pounds. Then he said “I think you WANT me fat!”

 

Then this morning — he is back to how much he loves me and cherishes me….and how he can’t wait to get home to me… It’s a roller coaster.

 

There's a term for it - the cycle of abuse. Abusers do this type of mind control so you become more traumatically bonded to them and never leave.

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

 

Have you read Lundy's book yet. Your partner is the water torturer.

Edited October 20, 2015 by Dolfin80

[sandylee1]

He doesn't want you out of his sight. Does your son live with his father? Is he scared that you might cheat while he's not with you?

 

I don't know what age your son is, but I think it would be nice to spend some quality time alone with him, but your husband is too jealous and controlling to realise.

 

Quite frankly I wouldn't put up with it. I'd sit him down and tell him the impact his behaviour is having on me and it needs to change, as it's exhausting and wearing me down. That he needs to reflect on his behaviour and work with you to improve, otherwise you fear that the marriage will break down beyond repair.

 

If it's easier to put it in a letter so as not to get interrupted, then do so. You can suggest in the letter that you go out and discuss it over dinner. Then he'll have to keep reasonably calm. If you feel afraid to do this or afraid of his reaction, then it's clear you need to seek therapy to help you deal with this. You are being emotionally abused here and if you don't put a stop to it, he'll carry on doing it.

 

He's unreasonable and displaying signs of a personality disorder.

 

What a nightmare!

[lucy_in_disguise]

He sounds super unstable. Has he ever been diagnosed with some kind of personality disorder? I think the issues here run deeper than run-of-the-mill emotional abuse... but the dynamics seem very similar. It does not bode well that he refuses professional help.

 

How old is your son? How often are you able to see him, and has this relationship impacted that?

 

I think its up to you to decide why/ for how long you want to put up with this crap, but if this relationship has resulted in your alienation from your son, I would urge you to reconsider your priorities....

[Nonsense55]

Yes — he is unstable and insecure. He is terrified that I will cheat on him — if I’m out of his sight…even when I’m with my son.

 

I read Lundy’s book a bit this morning…I see the correlation.

 

Here’s my problem — my son. When he’s with us through the summer, he doesn’t want to leave. He loves being with me and my fiancé. But, when he goes back with his dad…it turns again.

 

My son talks about how he hates my fiancé - he’s rude to him. If my fiancé is holding my hand, he will try to get between us to break it up.

 

My finance’s reaction to that? He said he’s planning on telling him that this is what people do when they are in love or getting married and that he needs to learn this is just the way it is.

 

My fiancé and ex do not get along at all…. when we first got together, my fiancé’ got into an argument with my ex…screaming at him and threatening him (because my ex was yelling at me).

 

Because of this…and for my son — i don’t bring my fiancé’ to his soccer games or anything where my ex might be there.

 

My fiancé is starting to get VERY upset about that… and wants me to put a line in the sand and bring him to soccer and all of my son’s events.

 

I understand how he feels — but my son is absolutely not comfortable with it. He gets terrified about them meeting…and he worries his dad will get upset.

 

My ex and I have a very good relationship, in fact I even hire him for jobs within my business…to help him out financially. This truly bothers my fiancé. He says he HATES my ex — calls him every awful name in the world…

and can’t understand why I am not more angry at him over our divorce.

 

Honestly, all of this is just hard for me to juggle in my head. It’s a delicate dance. I feel pulled in a million different directions and at the end of the day - it makes me bury my head in the sand.

 

My fiance made fun of me the other day and told me I will “find another reason” to go visit my son this week …”maybe your ex will call and say he’s got diarrhea and you will need to race there to inspect the color of his poop.."