Friends or becoming the OW??

[Colleaguelove]

I've been at a new job for 6 months and its a very small office. I've met a guy who's not my type really but since getting to know him I'm attracted to him.

 

At first I noticed his eyes on me from across the room. But now we lock eyes when he's talking to someone else or he just looks at me. It's intense I feel incredibly attracted and my heart races. It's electric. He's started saying I look nice and small compliments too.

 

When we are out with work he tries to pull back and not talk to me as much as others but by the end of the night we are teasing each other and the tension is off the scale. Other people may sense IT i don't know. Then he will want to be one on one and we will walk and talk about life etc..

 

We've started texting about work but we have things in common. We both lost both our parents and we both nearly died so I feel like he understands me and we bond over that. We end out messages with kisses but I just presume it's friendly and don't think much of it.

 

Last week he must have seen me walking because we "bumped in to each other" on the way to work he lives not far from the route I take.

I'm aware I'm on a slippery slope and perhaps this is an emotional affair. He's married 2 years in I think. Perhaps we are friends and he tells his wife about me. I don't know. I could we'll be looking in to it too much.

The thing is he intrigues me and I need to get to know him more. How do I stop? I really think he would be such a good friend to have but we kissed goodbye once on the cheek and I was turned on- so I know it's not going to work.

 

I genuinely don't think he's a bad guy and a cheat. He's had a hard life and is a very gentle kind person. Perhaps he doesn't even think this is wrong?

 

Advice needed.

[Popsicle]

This is how most affairs start out FYI.

 

Did you come here just because you needed a place to vent even though you don't plan to stop this, or because you wanted us to help you stop this?

[Popsicle]

To answer your question, he knows it's wrong but at this stage he is denying it, because it has not gone far and he can say "we're just friends" to himself and to others. It is denial used as a way to continue getting the rush he is getting from you. It's dangerous though because it will escalate and neither of you are as strong as you think to stop it once it gets there. The best way is to stop it (now not when it's too late later) before it gets there.

 

You don't need to be friends with a married man, especially if you are attracted to him. It's just dangerous. Find another guy to be friends with.

[whichwayisup]

You work in a small office, he's married and already you're thinking it's possible the others are wondering what is going on. Your own professional reputation is at risk here so give that some thought.

 

You two are too close for comfort, the lines are blurry and there's spending too much time getting to know one another.

 

Imagine you married or in a serious relationship with someone and your partner/husband was spending so much time getting to know another woman, investing in her..I'm sure you'd be upset and feel hurt, feel jealous and wonder wtf was happening behind your back. Put yourself in his wife's shoes for a minute. And also think about IF an affair happens how hurt YOU will be. Rarely do men leave their wives for the OW.

 

Aim higher. So you connected with him..But he is married and off limits. Respect yourself more by NOT becoming the OW and find a single guy. Fight what you feel and the attraction.

[Bufo]

Read some of the OW posts here. Pick any 6 at random. Then ask yourself why your story would end differently if you took your A to the next level.

 

You are not likely that one in one hundred who finds true and lasting love in an affair setting.

 

While that's possible, it just doesn't happen often enough for you to bet your heart and happiness on. Besides, if you are caught up in an A, who knows what else you'd be missing. You are still young, but believe me life speeds up as you age, and you will resent wasting time on a married man.

[anika99]

You know this is wrong. In a small office your coworkers are definitely aware of your crush on this married guy. Unfortunately women always get harshly judged for their role in work affairs. You have only been at this job for 6 months and people who have witnessed your interactions with this guy are probably already questioning your character. If this turns into a full blown affair you will be judged and condemned more than he will be. It's not fair but it's true.

 

It's always nice to meet someone who has shared the same experiences as us but it doesn't mean anything other than you have met a person who understands a particular event in your life. It doesn't mean he's your soul mate or the universe brought you together or any of that nonsense. If you need to talk to people who have had the same experiences as you, you can probably look them up on the internet or find a support group.

[Lois_Griffin]

You're perfect for him - your naiveté makes you an incredibly easy mark for him.

 

Romantically, he's a complete dead end. Right now, you're all flattered by his attention and his 'bumping into you on purpose,' but quite honestly, it could have been anyone he was romancing. Don't make the mistake of thinking you're so special that he'd never do this and has made an exception for you.

 

Either a married man is open to cheating or he's NOT open to cheating. This guy apparently is. You're just making it incredibly easy for him, is all.

 

And if you think he's sharing with his wife all the details of your fantastic 'kindred spirits' friendship, you couldn't be more wrong.

 

Take off the rose colored glasses. He's yet another married man looking for a little action on the side.

 

Aim higher.

[Colleaguelove]

I really do not think anyone's noticed yet, I'm friendly and flirty and charming with everybody. Its only really been 2 weeks or so it's stepped up to messaging. No one notices the looks. It's very subtle. I'm not saying they won't eventually notice but at the moment no.

 

I keep thinking maybe the mutual gaze is just platonic and he just wants a friend at work, then I think he fancies me and is thinking about me way too much. I keep going between the two.

 

We talk about our health and life there is no flirting or sex talk. It's not seedy. But I do know this is how an affair can start.

 

I do want to stop but it's a shame.

[Colleaguelove]

I'm don't think I'm naive lois nor do I think I'm making it easy for him. If I waa naive I wouldn't be asking this early on and I hardly think sending a few messages about our illnesses and dead parents over a couple of weeks is opening my legs!!

[sunburned]

I'm don't think I'm naive lois nor do I think I'm making it easy for him. If I waa naive I wouldn't be asking this early on and I hardly think sending a few messages about our illnesses and dead parents over a couple of weeks is opening my legs!!

 

Actually the fact that you're asking at all shows some naivety, but I give you credit for coming on here and looking for answers and validation of what you probably already sense. We are all attracted to other people at work, at the PTA meeting, at little league (married and whether we are married ourselves). It's what you do or don't do about it that speaks volumes about your character. I think you know very well what (not) to do. You sound young, so please don't ruin your career reputation over this guy.

[Lurkeraspect]

Very sad that you're willing to potentially throw away your career and reputation for some married guy that "isn't really your type." So yes, you do sound naive.

 

I'd suggest doing some reading here. The success stories are few and far between, with loads of heartache and destruction as the norm.

[Goodbye]

Don't do it. Set boundaries now and find a single man. Nothing good can come of this. Nothing.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Actually the fact that you're asking at all shows some naivety,

 

Very sad that you're willing to potentially throw away your career and reputation for some married guy that "isn't really your type." So yes, you do sound naive.

 

I see her posts here differently. She has come here very early on in the development of this friendship (two weeks), imo, to process the situation. To me, her posts indicate she knows where the friendship is headed if it continues.

 

There are at least two types of people (probably more, actually but let's just say basically two types for the sake of this discussion), 1. those who figure out a relationship that has just begun could end up negatively and stop the course of the relationship and 2. those who figure out a relationship that has just begun could end up negatively, decide to stop the relationship but also need to process their thoughts and emotions about it while at the same time calling a halt to the interactions.

 

From OP's posts it seems to me she's in the second category. So glad she came here to process her thoughts and emotions about it. To me, this is not a sign of naivete.

 

And, ColleagueLove, I agree with the other posters who are encouraging you to not allow the friendship to develop further and to find a single guy instead. If there are no single guys available right now, just wait and enjoy your singleness! You're better off alone than with a MM.

Edited October 17, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease

[MissBee]

I've been at a new job for 6 months and its a very small office. I've met a guy who's not my type really but since getting to know him I'm attracted to him.

 

At first I noticed his eyes on me from across the room. But now we lock eyes when he's talking to someone else or he just looks at me. It's intense I feel incredibly attracted and my heart races. It's electric. He's started saying I look nice and small compliments too.

 

When we are out with work he tries to pull back and not talk to me as much as others but by the end of the night we are teasing each other and the tension is off the scale. Other people may sense IT i don't know. Then he will want to be one on one and we will walk and talk about life etc..

 

We've started texting about work but we have things in common. We both lost both our parents and we both nearly died so I feel like he understands me and we bond over that. We end out messages with kisses but I just presume it's friendly and don't think much of it.

 

Last week he must have seen me walking because we "bumped in to each other" on the way to work he lives not far from the route I take.

I'm aware I'm on a slippery slope and perhaps this is an emotional affair. He's married 2 years in I think. Perhaps we are friends and he tells his wife about me. I don't know. I could we'll be looking in to it too much.

The thing is he intrigues me and I need to get to know him more. How do I stop? I really think he would be such a good friend to have but we kissed goodbye once on the cheek and I was turned on- so I know it's not going to work.

 

I genuinely don't think he's a bad guy and a cheat. He's had a hard life and is a very gentle kind person. Perhaps he doesn't even think this is wrong?

 

Advice needed.

 

The road to hell is paved with good intentions they say....and the road to an affair is paved with small concessions, ignoring the obvious and slowly crossing boundaries while telling yourself it's okay.

 

The fact you like him and are turned on by him is enough to signal that you probably cannot have a platonic friendship. That's the first red flag. You can't really control his feelings or actions but you can control yours, and you already know you like him, so you have to be the one to set the boundaries, for your own sake.

 

Ending messages with kisses is not a friendly thing IMO...and I think if he told his wife about you he'd have probably mentioned it. Maybe one way you can squash this and keep it above board is to invite him and his wife and have a friend of yours or a few do something social. That way you'll see how he responds as well as you'll be able to see her as a real person and see their relationship. That might set things back straight...whereas emotional affairs and eventually full on physical and emotional affairs are grown in seclusion where you start over bonding, over sharing, it's all secret and just you two and you slip and slide. You're on a slippery slope, you've said so yourself, that's all you need to know IMO. You know this isn't a normal friendship and I'm not judging, I've been there, but when people say "it just happened..." that's almost always false. It takes a while and little concessions, the texting, kissy face emoticons, the excuses, telling yourself his wife knows about your friendship and all those kinds of things are all the small ways you go from friends to giving yourself an excuse to cross the line then when it's a full blown affair we act so shocked like it just attacked us out of nowhere, when we had lots of little opportunities to put a stop to it.

[SoleMate]

Great advice from MissBee....OP, if you insist on getting to know your intriguing new friend better, invite him and his wife over to dinner or out to lunch. That is a very normal thing to do with a new friend who is married. You can tell her how exciting, "intense", "electric" it has been to get to know her husband, and how much tension you can work up when you're "teasing" each other and having deep 1:1 conversations. Also mention how turned on you were when he kissed you. Then take things from there.

 

Or, if the above seems like a bad idea, then be aware that this is NOT a friendship, it's an EA which may or may not develop into a PA....basically it depends on how bold and aggressive the MM is and how compliant you choose to be.

 

As others have said, do a little research on L/S by reading the many, many similar threads about textbook workplace EAs and where they lead. Ask the many FOW (former other women) who post here whether the A (especially workplace A) was a good choice and they're glad they got involved. I know what you'll find....maybe 50 Hell NO!s and 3 mixed messages for every 1 positive Yes. Ninety-eight percent of the OW in workplace A's end up with a bad outcome.....no bf, and either fired, or more likely in the US these days, not fired but wish they were and end up quitting when the job becomes too painful. Aim higher, stay out of the crocodile pit!

[Colleaguelove]

I'm off on holiday now so it's prob for the best.

 

I joked last week and messaged him and said "don't miss me too much" he said "I'll try not to. X" The more I think about it the more I realise I was looking for validation. It's something I'd say to s friend as s joke but I guess this had a different meaning.

 

I know it's getting out of control. He talks about his wife a lot. He's very proud of her. But I've noticed when we speak one on one he doesn't mention her much.

[Colleaguelove]

Thanks solemate you're totally right. You've made me realise it's not innocent at all. It's so easy to kid ourselves when there's no touching or physical activity.

 

The quiet "you look nice" when I'm at his desk is intentional to get me excited I shouldn't make excuses for him. The teasing is out of control on both parts I'm addicted already . But at least it's early on and I can stop now

[privategal]

I wanted to tell you, often times in the 1st year or 2 is when a couple starts a family. So right now your just addicted to the ego strokes but when you fall harder...then his w gets pregnant...thats horrible hurt. Actually its all horrible hurt to be an ow. Your in the fun stage. It gets real. And it ends badly. Start dating. But also start working at work. Get serious about your career.

[whichwayisup]

I'm don't think I'm naive lois nor do I think I'm making it easy for him. If I waa naive I wouldn't be asking this early on and I hardly think sending a few messages about our illnesses and dead parents over a couple of weeks is opening my legs!!

 

Re read your first post. You are totally sending him signals. He isn't stupid and can pick up on the vibe you're sending.

 

This isn't an innocent friendship, it's an affair in the making. Again, read your opening post.

[ChancesAre24]

I'm don't think I'm naive lois nor do I think I'm making it easy for him. If I waa naive I wouldn't be asking this early on and I hardly think sending a few messages about our illnesses and dead parents over a couple of weeks is opening my legs!!

 

I so disagree but only from experience. For women talking about things so close to our hearts makes us more likely to spread our legs (if you must put it that way) because as women we are emotional creatures and this guy knows that I bet. I would just keep it professional. If you want friends at work talk to a girl.

[m4p]

To put it simply, you want him and you want him to want you too- hence all the subtle signals, signs, innuendos. It all starts this way.

 

Hell, my own A started the same way. So there.

 

I hope by coming here you show some sense to know what you should do. It is not a shame if you don't get to be friends with him. There are literally billions of people on earth for you to have off the charts chemistry with and IS SINGLE and available at the same time.

 

Trust me, don't waste your time. You both nearly died, you said? Then all the more you should know how precious your life is. Come on.... don't do this. Don't fret over "he-likes-me, he-likes-me-not"... Set your boundaries- no married men, no weird vibes, no getting turned on by a kiss.

 

If you clear your head, you will start getting disgusted by the thought of a man having sex with you THEN go home to his wife and cuddle her, planning their future baby names, or when you are with him and his wife calls and you have to keep quiet. Or when he is not free because the in-laws are in town and he has to play host.

 

Any funny, decent, cute man will never be the same again after he engage in lies and deceit towards the woman he made a vow with.

 

This might all be just in your head, but it is most likely not. So save yourself. Just don't.

[Colleaguelove]

I have a date tomorrow with an available guy who I'm excited about so it's taken my mind of of T.

 

When I go back to the office what can I do when he tries to talk to me 121 in the kitchen or walking to or from work. How can I stop it without being direct. I don't want him to think I know we like each other there has to be a way of being blasé?

[lemondrop21]

Unfortunately now that the seed has been planted in your mind it's going to be VERY hard to let go of but I beg you to try as hard as you can to do so. Agree with others who say to read through the posts here. We are almost all miserable OWs who have not ended up with MM. Yes there are a very few who do end up with MM but please ask yourself why you should need to be OW in the process. Maybe he rushed into marriage and it isn't going well and he'll get a quick divorce - if so, have at him! But keep your distance until that is finalized.

 

I was in the same boat as you six months ago, you can read my thread. Posted on here before it got physical. I was already sucked in though. Now I'm depressed, still struggling to fully end it, had to drop a course I was taking because I have no focus, have barely accomplished anything at work since this started. A shadow of my former self in other words. There was NO reason for this to happen aside from my own stupidity and vulnerability.

 

One final piece of advice - when he tries to get you alone so that he can confess his feelings to you, AVOID that. If he starts down that road, STOP HIM from going further. I wish every single day that when my MM had said "I probably shouldn't be saying this..." I had interjected and said "then don't say it." That's all it would have taken.

 

Best of luck to you.

[lemondrop21]

To answer your follow up question about how to avoid one on one conversations - make up any of a million excuses - you're busy, have to get back to work, have to call your mother about something urgent, whatever! Beyond that, if he keeps trying over and over, don't be afraid to make it somewhat obvious that you are a little uncomfortable and walk away quickly. If he gets to the point of acting borderline stalkerish then good riddance! He should understand why you are behaving this way and respond appropriately by laying off.

 

You can also make him feel awkward when you do need to talk to him by taking every opportunity to ask about his wife. Might cool him down a bit.

[privategal]

I have a date tomorrow with an available guy who I'm excited about so it's taken my mind of of T.

 

When I go back to the office what can I do when he tries to talk to me 121 in the kitchen or walking to or from work. How can I stop it without being direct. I don't want him to think I know we like each other there has to be a way of being blasé?

 

Avoid time alone, try not to go to the kitchen alot. Try to be polite, talk to others about your date and start sending signals your about your life and work. I like the million excuses...don't only act super busy, but BE super busy with work. Dont make eye contact, dont treat others nicer and warmer and not him just be kind to everyone equally.

In a few days he should get the hint.

If he corners you make excuses to get away and if he presses the issue maybe say you felt it was getting to close as he is married and you wanted to just be professional going forward out of respect for his wife and drop it.

It may seem awkward at first but trust me...Affairs are HELL...work affairs are even WORSE hell and the amount of pain you will end up in will be a trillion times worse than any awkwardness you will experience in extinguishing this small meaningless flame you started here.