with this situation

[Justcallmedoormat]

This is the first thread that I've posted.. It's a hard step for me... admitting to the world the entirety of all I'm involved in. Even though it's private, it's tough.

 

I'll start by saying that I'm a 27 year old mother of two. My husband and I have been together for nearly ten years. Married now for 9 of those years. I met my husband while in high school.. Just two days after I had turned 18. He was 26. He swept me off my feet! Within a couple of months I had a huge rock on my finger, expensive gifts and a brand new car. Yes, I was in high school. We rushed into marriage because he was deploying to Iraq. We were married without 8 months of meeting one another. I know for sure i didn't love him for several years. I cheated on him so many times I can't bare to think of it anymore. My husband is a super super great guy. He doesn't meet a stranger, my friends are jealous of our marriage. He truly caters to my every want and need. He is extremely handsome, funny, loving. He gives me space, and is the best father that I've ever known. He would give his life for his family without a second thought. I've had the pleasure of staying home with my children for 8 years now. My friends recently described him as the "perfect" spouse. After a whirlwind of events through divorce in the last year.. She says she would do anything to have what I have. She used the word "unnatainable" to describe the type of man that he is. I'm absolutely not gloating. I appreciate him, and see him for all that he is. I constantly try to show love, and appreciation to him. With that being said, I've came to realize that he is simply not the person I'm meant to spend my life with. He is a wonderful person, aside from some poor choices made.. I am also a a good person. He and I are simply not compatible. Our personalities could not be more different.. He is laid back, unorganized, irresponsible, not dependable, weak. I am very much the opposite. I am tightly wound, an absolute perfectionist, and I am always one step ahead. I've voiced my concerns to him for many years. I've explained that without change we wouldn't make it. I made huge changes, I went to therapy and learned that I was a nagger. Narcissistic, and hard to please. I've came a very very long way. However, little change from him.. Until very recently. Ironically around the time that my affair began. I've become very complacent, just over it. Not willing to voice concerns anymore to avoid arguments. My husband is a terrible communicator. I am very very moved by communication. My soul craves it. My husband has no depth. My depth is endless. I can't settle knowing that my husband is not my "person" I know the right thing to do is divorce him, because he is a gem.. And he deserves someone to appreciate that. I can't bare the thought of breaking his heart, and breaking the hearts of my children. I really cannot bare it. I love my husband, I do not know if I'm in love with him.

A few months ago I reconnected with someone I had a one night stand with.. That was about 7 years ago. Currently Justin is engaged to the mother of his two young daughters. They have been together for 8 years. Justin is 36, he is neglected to the fullest extent in his relationship. He is a lover, and is dying inside to be loved my his fiancé. He hasn't stated that exactly to me but it's apparent. We talked for a week or so catching up... I quickly was drawn to the openness in communication.. And all that we had in common as far as opinions, emotional cravings. Justin is a police officer.. On a whim one night I went to see him while he was on duty.. We had passionate sex in the passenger seat of my car. Since Justin and I started talking.. The only days we have not been in contact are when he is off work, at home with his family. We have met up several times. Feelings quickly developed on both ends (at least I thought) he would tell me how special and beautiful I am.. He would tell me he missed me and how much happiness I brought into his life. He used terms of endearment and the conversation! The conversations we had were phenomenal. Serious talks, long drawn out playful banter. I found myself constantly smiling. My 8 year old daughter asked me, Mom, why are you always smiling when on your phone? That was a bit of an awakening. Physically, I am 100% more attracted to my spouse. My husband is hot! But for some reason I don't even notice it anymore.. I haven't for a long time. Justin is attractive, but his soul I am drawn to. Justin made it clear to me from the get go what he wanted. He told me that he would absolutely never under any circumstances leave his fiancé, he was fine being 50% happy for the rest of his life.. That he had already suffered through a divorce, and wouldn't do it again. He refused to be away from his daughters. He told me that he wanted a "relationship" with me.. Not just sex that he craved passion too... But if it ever felt to be too much for me to let him know because he would never want to inflict pain. As time passed I could feel that he was also developing feelings (that he was ok showing at first, now not at all) I was in awe about the way he understood me. I am a unique person.. I don't know how to explain that.. But, I do not fee that many people "get" me. He was so very welcoming to my honesty with feelings and frustrations.. He would awknowledge and respond to every word I said. All of I sudden I realized that what I was lacking most in my marriage he was giving to me... I had NEVER had that before. I knew I was starting to fall in love. I told Justin, he answered in the best way he could. He told me it didn't change his feelings, but it was not reciprocated. He told me he wanted to continue but would respect my decision at any time to exit if I felt it was necessary. Here's where it gets interesting.. I felt it was necessary to give a lot of backstory to the situation to get a few for it all.

This past week Justin was about an hour and a half from my home training for a promotion in his department. He repeatedly made it clear that he wanted me to come at least spend one night with him. He stated that he wanted to take me on a date, converse over drinks, enjoy each other and experience a lot of intense sexual pleasures he had never had the opportunity to indulge it. I was bound and determined to make this happen.. And I can't put into words the excitement that I felt. I have bent over backwards for Justin since the start of our "relationship"... He has literally put forth zero effort. His excuse is that I have more freedom, and it's simply not possibly for him as she is always aware of what he is doing, money spent.. They work in the same department, she handles their payroll. He told me once that he wasn't sure if he loved her.. And that they never have sex. When he requests sex she will say something along the lines of "really Justin" he's endured a lot of neglect, and pain in relationships.

My effort to spend the night with Justin paid off... With absolutely zero effort on his part. I drove to see him, paid for the hotel, and spent time planning every second of our time together. I dressed sexy and dolled myself up. While waiting on him he stated his excitement and told me he couldn't wait for our date. He arrived we had dinner and some wonderful conversation. We had sex for a long period of time and then he asked me to lay my head on his chest and hold him. Things had went even better than expected. I turned over because I was hot.. This part gets very hard to explain.. As I've replaced this in my head 200 times and I'm stunned.. I can't wrap my head around it. I cannot recall dialogue.. But I must have said something that rubbed him the wrong way. I'm positive that whatever it was he took the wrong way. He jumped out of bed and told me that I was ****ing crazy, and had just had a complete "personality switch" (this did NOT happen.. In no way shape or form) he said that he wasn't dealing with it and would leave. I was speechless... Shocked.. Hurt... How could he? After all the effort? Breaking my back to appease his every desire. Showing him affection, and being as attentive as I knew how to be. I was mortified. I told him that he could go ahead and leave if he wanted. This made his anger rise immensely.. He told me that I was either deranged, or hiding something. WHAT? At this point I was uncontrollably crying. I don't like to show my emotions but I couldn't help it. Nobody had ever spoken to me that way. I had never been treated like that by a man. I had always been in a position that made men fall to their knees.. I'd never been on this side of the fence. The amount of anger I could see in his eyes frightened me. I had no idea this part of him existed. My head was spinning. I went to the restroom and tried to compose myself, unsuccessfully. I came back out, got dressed and sat across the room. He pulled a chair over by me, grabbed my hand and began softly apologizing to me. He went on and on.. And insinuated multiple times that he wanted to stay (he wouldn't just come out and say it) I refused to look at him or speak. I was distraught, shocked, and hurt. He told me that he did care about me, and at that point it should be clear. Why would he make the effort if he didn't care. That would be his ticket out of my life if he didn't care. Clearly, he is manipulative. By this point, I had already invested feelings, not knowing this side of him. We had been drinking, so I tried to place the blame on the alcohol. He left, and shortly later he sent me a drawn out message apologizing, and requesting that I forgive him. He again reiterated his feelings for me, but said he would understand if I could not accept his apology. I was short in reply and went to bed. I woke up the following morning to a text telling me to have a safe drive home. I was very quick to forgive, but wanted to talk about the situation. As soon as he realized I was on my way to forgiving him (this is still morning after) he started again talking to me in a condescending manner. He wanted me to move on and shut the hell up basically. Again, shocked with the effort I had put forth that he didn't even want to talk. Was this the same man that had been so attentive to my every emotion just a few days before. He went on to say that regardless of turnout he had one of the best nights of his life (aside from this "incident") and he would forever hold that memory with me in his heart. The night that all of this happened was 6 days ago. He has not been the same person since. He is pretty passive with me.. Those terms of endearment are gone. We have had little playful interaction.. Mostly bickering. It's killing me.. I want it back. I don't understand. I walk on eggshells with him now. I tried to call him one evening about 4 days ago and gently explain my feelings.. He was short, and said he didn't understand. He patronized me and asked if I fee that way about him, why I continue to Lee him in my life. This is a different person than I knew just a week before. I couldn't wrap my head around it. We mutually decided that it wasn't working, and called it quits. Thursday evening (two days ago) I ended up driving back to his training site and again paid for a hotel room. This time I sat and waited on him for nearly two hours for him. He arrived and I could feel his attraction to me, I coul see it in his eyes. He smiled with such love and we kissed for what seemed like forever and made love. He smelled my hair and rubbed my fave before planting a kiss on my forehead. We laid in bed and he held my hand and asked me to hold him. I had just traveled am hour and a half, waited on him to arrive for an hour and a half at least.. Spent about an hour with him and he was asleep. I sat there feeling guilty that my husband was so trusting, and pushed me to go do as I pleased because he knew that I was stressed and needed time to myself. I felt so low that I put so much effort into this and he made me wait, and was then asleep. I told him I was leaving and he asked for me to stay and hold him.. I wanted to, but at that point I decided I wasn't going to give him the benefit any longer. We kissed and I left. The following day he told me he had enjoyed our time.. We chatted a little. The feel of this relationship had a much different feel. I am incredibly sad, obsessively think about this, about him. I dream about him, wake up thinking about him.. Wait on him to contact me.. Just for letdown. He will contact me.. And has been a little more playful and flirtatious. He referred to me as "his girl" during conversation yesterday.

I am highly desired by men, a lot of men. I refuse to give these men a second of me time.. Their blatant interest bores me. I find myself wanting Justin even more since he started treating me poorly.

Can someone please try to explain this situation to me? What is up with this guy? Does he actually care for me in some kind of ****ed up way? Why am I attracted to this behavior when I am married to the man that women dream of? How can I turn the table with Justin, or get out of the situation? I am a very strong, and dominant female. I am not that way with Justin. I feel weak, and bad about myself. He knows this, and is utterly annoyed by my choice to voice it. How could someone that's been through what he has been through regarding relationships, be so cold to the person who's showing him the love he claimed to want? I'm begging to not be judged, as I am fully aware of the damage I am inflicting on my sweet husband, and myself. I truly need advice. If judging is necessary, so be it. I just need to work these feelings out and get ahold of myself.

[Spectre]

I just find your post utterly disgusting because at the end of the day you seem more concerned about if some other dude cares for you. In fact most of this novel was spent talking about other dudes. When it should of been all 100% about your husband. This comment might get deleted because of what I just said but you know what? SOMEONE needed to say that to you.

 

Let me sum it up for you: every guy you have cheated with that knew you were involved is an utter piece of dog sh*t. All slime, all the time. Slimer from Ghostbusters see's these men and thinks "I am jealous I wish I had that much slime".

 

Leave your husband so he can go find someone else. But yeah, leave him so he can take your kids and raise them and you can continue to do what you do best. Also SPACES IN BETWEEN PARAGRAPHS!!!

Edited October 17, 2015 by Spectre

[Cymbeline]

This relationship sounds like fantasy on your part and your post makes you appear extremely self centred. It's all going to end in tears.

[Mrs. John Adams]

and i agree with Spectre...I just feel like this is Creative writing 101...except you fail because you don't know how to make paragraphs.

 

Your husband does not deserve you......

[ShatteredLady]

You were very young when you got married. You were bought with expensive gifts & a "huge rock" but you didnt love him & you're not compatible. You've spent a lot of your marriage being unfaithful. In hindsight obviously you shouldn't of got married. You weren't emotionally developed enough to take your vows seriously & it's rather sad that you're a mother.

 

Is your husband still in the military & still being deployed? The best solution I can see in this situation is your H changing/adapting careers so he can get custody of your children. You can have visitation & spend your life doing what you want without destructing those around you. You need a LOT of growth. Clearly get a sense of self esteme by manipulating men who fawn on you.

 

You wrote a LOT of words but I don't see anything extraudinary about your story other than your grossly inflated ego & sense of entitlement. I'm not being mean, I'm truly not. You are a young lady who is destined for a lot of misery if you don't work on yourself.

 

So much of what you say is straight out of the cheaters handbook. Read other stories here. Of course "You love your H but you're not in love with him" (there's even an abbreviated code for that one!) Of course you feel a CONNECTION unlike any other with this guy you're plucking!

 

I hate to say this, it makes me sound egotistical but I'm really not... I was 'one of those' teenagers that got all the attention from men. Tall, shapely, beautiful. I have a very high IQ. Well educated. Constantly flattered for my humor & depth of conversation. These characteristics aren't earnt. It's genetics. It didn't make me better than all the other girls. Real character is something you develop as you grow-up. Until you realize that your current perceived 'strengths' are fleeting & put in some hard work towards becoming an empathic, compassionate lady of depth your future doesn't look bright.

 

You're not that hot, drop dead gorgeous 'fresh' young lady anymore. You're a MARRIED MOTHER of 2. The way you perceive yourself is dated. From now on you are not attracting 'quality' men. Great men DO NOT get tangled with women like you! Of course your OM is damaged. You couldnt see this from the start because you believe that you're irresistable. Good men DON'T see you that way.

 

Quality men don't shag married mothers in a car when they're supposed to be working! You're somewhere to park his penis & give him entertainment. You clearly said something that shattered the fantasy for him. He made it clear that he just wanted sex from you. You got your sex. Why are you so upset that he didn't appreciate all the effort & planning that went into your booty call? Husbands appreciate that kind of care. Cheats just want you naked & willing! Don't waste your time! Maybe if you did those things for your H & stopped screwing around you would get the appreciation you desire.

[TX-SC]

It's people like you that make me very happy to have a wonderful wife who isn't, well, like you.

 

Please, just divorce your husband. Do it now and don't look back. Then you and Justin can have a nice relationship, probably abusive in nature. All of these guys that "want you" only want sex. In fact, that's all you appear to be good for at this point. I think you are simply too self-centered and narcissistic to be a good partner to anyone.

 

Divorce. Do it now. Your husband is a good man and deserves better. Tell him all about your cheating and how you don't love him. I wa sgoing to suggest the 5 Love Languages but by about half way through your story I decided there is no way in hell this is going to end well for your husband. You are Justin's woman now. You deserve each other.

[BetrayedH]

Tough crowd, huh?

 

Look, engaging in an affair is engaging in fantasy. All of those great conversations you had with your affair partner are what people do at the start of a relationship. You only show each other your best sides. It's all fresh, new, and exciting. You dress your best, tell your best stories, get flirtatious, wear cologne and perfume, garner a sympathetic ear, and so forth. You start developing an idealized version of this guy in your head. He seems perfect.

 

Well, of course, he's not perfect. He's cheating on his fiance and helping you destroy your own family. Great guys don't do that. But during affairs, you end up overlooking that part because, well, you're doing the same thing. His lack of character is staring you straight in the face but you intentionally and thoroughly dismiss it because you feel you can't judge him for what you are doing yourself.

 

What you should be doing is judging both of you.

 

What's very telling to me in this story is that your OM has told you both with his words and his actions that you are simply a side piece. You are a bit of fun but he's not giving up his soon-to-be-wife or his kids over you. This is all good until it becomes drama. I guarantee that your pronouncement of love was not received well. He immediately knew that this was the start of the drama. You had forgotten your place. He's glad to soak up the emotional and physical validation from you (when it's convenient for him) but he isn't giving you what you want. That wasn't the deal.

 

If you spend some time reading on the other man/other woman forum, you'll see it repeated time and time again. And the women just keep agonizing and accepting scraps until they've finally had enough. They eventually break up with the OM, protect his secret out of some bizarre sense of loyalty, and cry in the corner wishing they had some form of closure. You can count on the OM then moving onto some fresh and different OW that is no drama and knows her place. In fact, he's now gotten quite a bit better at the game thanks to the learning he got from you.

 

Stay in this mess until you're ready to get out, I guess. What's sad is that you have a great man at home that is wasting his one and only life on a woman that couldn't care less. If you've got any mercy in you, I'd hope that you let him go. It sounds like he's young enough that he could make another life for himself. Sadly for him, he'll be stuck tied to you in some tragic coparenting relationship that he'll never get to escape. And at minimum, he'll have to hope he only loses his kids 50% of the time.

 

You can choose to go further into this rabbit hole or you can begin to dig yourself out. Which is it going to be? Every decision you make from here on out will be in one direction or the other. You are responsible for every one.

Edited October 18, 2015 by BetrayedH

[jnel921]

Doormat,

 

Divorce your BH so that the women out there who deserve a good man can have him.

 

You need to get over that inflated ego of yours and stop wondering how any man could not want you because you are so beautiful and desirable. You're kidding right? You need more IC right away, its obvious you didn't tell your counselor that you are a cheat.

 

A lot of men want to hit and quit it. So why are you surprised that this happened to you? He has a fiancé which means he actually thought about having a committed relationship with her as well as children. Did you think he would give that up for you? I think that time at the hotel with you he had a rude awakening and realized this mistake about what he was doing and this made him run the way he did. His fiancé keeps tabs on him and his money, so she is no dummy.

 

It's a shame that your BH has trusted you all of these years and all you have done is betray him and your child. You mention how great and handsome he is yet you do not appreciate him. Tell him the truth. He deserves that. Perhaps his hurt and disappointment in you will stir some kind of real emotion in you and maybe you will wake up from the fog you are in.

[Spectre]

I realize this is also probably a silly question, but do you plan to inform your husband of your cheating?

 

Though I find the username ironic since it's the husband that has unknowingly been the doormat here.

[anika99]

I made huge changes, I went to therapy and learned that I was a nagger. Narcissistic, and hard to please. I've came a very very long way. However, little change from him.. Until very recently. Ironically around the time that my affair began. I've become very complacent, just over it. Not willing to voice concerns anymore to avoid arguments. My husband is a terrible communicator. I am very very moved by communication. My soul craves it. My husband has no depth. My depth is endless.

 

Awww....poor you. Here you've worked so hard to be a better person and yet you are not getting the payoff you deserve. I mean you've been cheating on your husband for your entire marriage and you are still cheating on him now but other than that you are almost perfect. For one thing you are a great communicator right? Of course you don't communicate your honest feelings with your husband, you are full of lies and pretense when it comes to your marriage and your real life but I bet you are a real gem of a communicator when it comes to your cheating AP. And oh my goodness, you have such depth! You have bottomless well of lies and deceit so I guess that's a type of endless depth. One thing I'll say for your therapist is that they nailed it when they said you are narcissistic as your entire post is one of the most narcissistic post I have ever read on Loveshack.

 

Oh and your bf Justin. Be still my beating heart!! He screws you in his car, he allows you to pay for hotel rooms, lets you make all the plans and go to the all the effort just so he can turn up whenever he feels like to use you for an hour or so. I'm lmao off at how you criticize his fiancé when you have seen first hand what kind of low life Justin is. He treats you like dirt yet you think he is not the problem when it comes to his fiancé. Lady your image of yourself and of Justin is seriously twisted and delusional. I think you really are personality disordered and need mental help. You are risking the lives of your children to chase a man who treats like a unpaid prostitute. You treat your husband like crap, lie, cheat, deceive and yet you have this vision of yourself who has made all of these huge changes for the better. You put yourself ahead above your husband when it comes to depth and communication and it's delusional because you are very shallow and you are a very lousy communicator.

 

People with great depth don't go after the cheap thrills you are chasing. Great communicators don't lie and deceive. They don't hide their true selves. I don't generally believe in Karma but the fact that you have hooked up with a man like Justin does seem a little like some karmic justice. The happiest ending this story could have would be for you to leave your husband, give him primary custody of your children and then you can just spend your life in a hotel room somewhere waiting on your prince Justin to show up.

[ShatteredLady]

You have mentioned Justin's horrible past in relationships. Will you say what kinds of things? Is it possible that your behavior & the fact you're a married mother could be triggering him in some negative way? You know? He wants you for sex & likes it but then feels guilty & triggers over an ex or his mother or something & treats you with contempt.

 

What kind of family history does he come from?

 

It's good self awareness that you want this Justin more because he's the first man to play 'hard to get'. I wish you could use that same insight where everything else is concerned. This is so self destructive! What are you dong?

[Marc878]

How green is that grass on the other side of the hill now?

 

Your husband deserves better than you.

 

Divorce him quickly so he can have someone who can appreciate him.

 

It's all about you. No one else counts.

 

Your husband is a better husband and father than you'll ever be wife or mother.

 

Let him know so he can get out of this nightmare.

[Itwasntme]

Now I may be totally wrong but the things you listed off for your husband doesn't make sense! laid back, unorganized, irresponsible, not dependable, weak. That doesn't even sound like qualities of a man in the military 10+ years, plus how can he be irresponsible and not dependable when he pays for every? And Who are you one step ahead of? Because as far as I hear the OM is ahead of you

[sandylee1]

- 'Justin ' sees you as an easy lay.

 

- He has no regard or respect for you, which is not suprising

 

- You need to do the right thing and divorce your husband as you don't love him

 

- When you are single, you can have as many sexual partners as you wish without cheating, but let them be single men so that you aren't destroying other relationships.

 

 

 

I'm not sure what kind of help would work for you, but at least the things I mentioned above would avoid hurting anyone else.

[bubbaganoosh]

Honestly your getting what you deserve. To be treated like a doormat and I would pay good money to here you explain this to your husband when you get caught.

 

You think that he will just look at you and just be enthralled by your beauty and sexiness that he'll roll over a play dead?

 

Your on this ego express with your thread and I have to tell you that no one will feel sorry for you. You live in a world where you think that every man would kill for one chance to bed you and be grateful for it and you now find yourself facing a guy whose is just as egotistical as you and your now on the receiving end of it.

 

I hope that when it all comes down on you that you have the maturity to at least take the blame for your actions. I doubt it because you'll run to the closest mirror and ask yourself how any man could resist all this.

[fellini]

OP. Can you explain how this revelation:

 

"I went to therapy and learned that I was a nagger. Narcissistic, and hard to please. I've came a very very long way."

 

is any kind of evidence that you have changed, and as you put it: a very very long way. I'm not sure that learning that you are a narcissistic is progress.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband is a super super great guy.

 

From this point on in your post, you describe him as anything but.

 

I am also a a good person.

 

Au contraire, at least based on your own description. Good people don't treat those they claim to care about this way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by Justcallmedoormat

Justin made it clear to me from the get go what he wanted. He told me that he would absolutely never under any circumstances leave his fiancé, he was fine being 50% happy for the rest of his life.. That he had already suffered through a divorce, and wouldn't do it again. He refused to be away from his daughters. He told me that he wanted a "relationship" with me.. Not just sex that he craved passion too... But if it ever felt to be too much for me to let him know because he would never want to inflict pain

 

 

The amount of anger I could see in his eyes frightened me. I had no idea this part of him existed

 

 

He told me that I was either deranged, or hiding something

 

 

Clearly, he is manipulative

 

 

he started again talking to me in a condescending manner. He wanted me to move on and shut the hell up basically

 

 

I find myself wanting Justin even more since he started treating me poorly.

 

 

Can someone please try to explain this situation to me? What is up with this guy? Does he actually care for me in some kind of ****ed up way? Why am I attracted to this behavior when I am married to the man that women dream of?

Justin has children and you have children and you both are controlled by your lusts and excitements and have endangered your children and Justin’s children. You both have put your lusts and excitement ahead of the welfare of your children.

 

 

As for your questions, I will tell you that you need a LOT more help than we can give you on this forum. RUN to get good professional help! You have no wisdom at all and have damaged yourself a lot. You can still recover to some degree so get going NOW!!

[truncated]

My best advice to you is to divorce your husband and allow him to have custody of the kids. Leave this om alone too. Once you are free and clear, you can date whomever you like and hopefully grow up a bit too.

 

If you do divorce your husband, please have the decency to tell him that you have been unfaithful to him. Let him get tested to make sure he hasn't picked up anything you may have caught from sleeping with other men.