What do I do about my ex girlfriend who cheated on me? :(

[Ben98232]

I met my first girlfriend a year ago now back in the middle of September. We hit it off right away, we got along really well and seemed to have quite a lot in common. We began talking outside of class and started off just as friends and things gradually progressed from there. During this time we both got to know each other and subsequently I became aware of her depression, self harm and past relationships/experiences.

 

We started actually seeing/dating each other around December time. Prior to then I guess there was confusion or uncertainty on both of our parts as to whether it was a "does he/she like me as a friend only or more" kind of thing. We would talk and hang out most days, text or talk on the phone for hours and just spend a lot of time in general together really. Things seemed to be going really well and although we had the occasional argument or disagreements here and there, I wouldn't say there was anything major issue-wise. Although during this period she was of course suffering from what she told me was depression and her self harm. I helped and supported her massively with regards to that and tried to be there for her as much as I could throughout. There were times where I now look back on and think she took me for granted and stuff though.

 

To cut a long story short though during the middle of April she went out one night after she had finished work which was around 1-2am. I was woken up to a call from her at around 6am that day and she was pretty drunk, slurring her words and not making much sense. Her mom took the phone off her and told me she had been out all night drinking and questioned me about whether or not I had been with her. Her mom blamed me for this although I had no idea whatsoever and as far as I knew she had been in work. The next day she called me up and I was pretty angry with her for a number of reasons, primarily why she had been out drinking so late and me receiving what appeared to be the blame for something I was not even aware of. My girlfriend told me that a guy (a friend) had texted her and asked her to come out for a few drinks after she finished work but she told me that there was a group of people (guys and girls) and insisted it wasn't "just him and her". I was still pretty angry but I accepted people make mistakes and she seemed genuinely sorry so I forgave her. She even insisted "it's not like I did anything or slept with anyone".

 

Around June time and even before then me and her had been arguing somewhat more frequently. Just over little things and I'd say half of the arguments occurred due to suspicions I had regarding guys who'd message her and whatnot. I never accused her and I always trusted her but she would always try to make me seem paranoid and overly protective/jealous. One day after she had stayed over she had logged into her Facebook on my computer and before she left she forgot to logout. Initially I was going to just log her off but I had a feeling something just wasn't quite right. I went through her inbox and when I selected the 'archived messages' I came across a number of conversations. Most significantly was the one between the guy she had been drinking with back in April that one night. The messages read things like "Did you take the pill?". Some of her responses included "I will if I have to aha xxxxx" and "I thought it was more than just a sh*g xxxxxxxx". I was pretty much heartbroken and I read through all of the previous messages and the dates added up which confirmed it all. She slept with this guy that night back in April behind my back and had been lying about it ever since. At this point I was furious and in a pretty bad state, I read through other messages to see she had told her best friend and one of her cousin's and just from reading the messages there didn't appear to be any remorse or regret at all. Another lie I also found about was that she had told me around May time that some guy she had slept with before me and her met had randomly messaged her accusing her of giving him an STD. Even though it didn't make sense to me due to the length of time between when he and her had slept together she insisted that he was wrong but thought it was "right to tell me". However, it turned out that it was the guy she slept with in April that was accusing her of such but to cover her tracks swapped it around with a guy she was seeing before me and her met.

 

After finding out what I did I thought about it for a few hours and allowed it to sink in as I was still in shock and disbelief. I didn't bother to call her and I simply texted her telling her that I knew what she did with this guy and that I was finished with her. She tried texting/calling me numerous times but I ignored the calls. The texts she sent were things along the lines of "I'm sorry I didn't mean for you to find out this way" "It meant nothing, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" etc. She even said "This is for the best anyway, good luck and I hope you get the help you need". I didn't reply to her after that and I deleted her number and blocked her off Facebook.

 

A week or so later she called me up, crying and repeatedly apologizing to me, telling me how much of an "idiot" she had been and how much she had missed me. Despite all of this I still loved her and she seemed genuinely remorseful. We met up later that day and talked about it for a while. I didn't want to lose her and I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt which I do regret now, but regardless I forgave her and we got back together.

 

Unfortunately we only remained together for about 2 weeks before she came home from work one night and told me that she didn't think thing were working and that she wanted to remain close friends. I was pretty angry and shocked but I was really dependent on her and for whatever stupid reasons I had in my head I felt I couldn't not have her in my life so I reluctantly agreed to be friends. She would still call me practically everyday and text me. We were even 'friends with benefits' on and off during this time.

 

During this time we've had a lot of arguments and she's talked to me like complete sh*t many occasions. She was recently diagnosed with BPD and she's having treatment for that. Due to the stress of our relationship I began drinking quite often to try and deal with what happened. We are still friends at the moment and agreed to "be there for each other". But I don't know whether I can do it, I obsess over it daily and even though I told her I forgave her I feel there will always be a part of me that will resent her for cheating. I feel like she has been so selfish and cruel towards me and just downright used me when I think back in hindsight. All of my friends tell me I should just cut her off but I don't want to hurt her. I want to believe she loves me but I think it's always been a more one sided kind of relationship.

 

I just need to know what to do. She's moving forward with her life and even though we still talk regularly (not as often as it used to be) it sucks. I feel like I've helped her tons and put everything I had into her and I've just been spat out and she's moved forward. She has other people to talk to and I just feel abandoned and thrown aside like I was nothing. She says she cares about me but I honestly don't feel it.

 

I know I've been an idiot and I take responsibility for remaining in contact with her and giving her another chance after cheating. I genuinely thought she loved me and I loved her and I still do which is why it is so difficult to just "walk away" or "forget about her and move on".

 

I just need some genuine advice that will actually help me through this. I need to know for sure what the best course of action is. I don't want to delete her from everything and then feel alone and regret it a few days later and not be able to take it back.

 

Sorry about the length of this thread but I felt like I really had to get this off of my chest. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and respond, it is much appreciated.

[CarrieT]

You have to go No Contact.

 

The only way you will heal is if you stop hearing about her successes and ability to move forward because it is dragging you back.

 

You can tell us how hard it is all you want. We know; we have been there. But you won't get over her as long as she is in your life.

[Ben98232]

I understand and that makes perfect sense to me. It's just so hard I mean, what do I even say to her? Do I say anything to her before going no contact? I genuinely don't want to seem like the bad guy in this and just cut her off without any explanation. She means the world to me despite everything even if it isn't mutual and I know it sounds pathetic but it's true. Just the other night she was going through old photos of me and her and was saying things like "remember this?" and it just makes me think there's still a chance or something.

 

[lolablue17]

I genuinely don't want to seem like the bad guy in this and just cut her off without any explanation. She means the world to me despite everything even if it isn't mutual and I know it sounds pathetic but it's true.

 

That is exactly the reason why you need to remain NC with her. Please, go and be the bad guy and Go NC - without telling her or explaining her nothing at all. Just disappear.

 

1. She didn't bother to explain anything to you before she's decided to scr&w that guy. instead, she lied to you non stop. Why would you owe her any explanation or anything?

 

2. Do you wish "not to be the bad guy"? Hahaha... The only time she actually had some respect for you, is the few days you ignored her without caring about her at all. Do you want her respect? Start treating her like s**t by ignoring her.

 

3. She will always cheat. She seems remorseful to you when she begged you to take her back but remember - Before you caught her, she had no regrets at all. So she also faked her sorrow and guilt. She just can't let her ego to be hurt so she would have said anything that would make you taking her back, including lies which seems to be her lifestyle.

 

It's not you. it's her. She will lie to her next Bf, and the ones after him.

Ignore - run - just disapear! Never answer her. let her go creazy. Start your healthy, non toxic life now!

Edited October 17, 2015 by lolablue17

[d0nnivain]

She was your 1st GF. You have no prior experience with relationships so of course there will be mistakes. You tried to forgive her but between the cheating & her legitimate mental health issues, you are in way over your head. Step back. Relish the relationship for what it was -- your first -- but accept that it has run it's course & it's time for you to move onward & upward. It doesn't mean you don't care. It just means that it's not your responsibility. Don't beat yourself up. You did more than most. Now take some time to address your own needs.

[CarrieT]

I understand and that makes perfect sense to me. It's just so hard I mean, what do I even say to her? Do I say anything to her before going no contact?

If it makes you feel better, text this:

 

"Look, I've been thinking about it and seeing you hurts me. I have to stop hurting so I need to not hear from you again. I wish you the best and after this message of farewell, I am blocking your number."

 

Then do it and stick with it. But she WILL respond and you have to fight the temptation to acknowledge anything she says. That is why you seriously do need to block her number - and every social media account where you can see what she is doing.

[smackie9]

Please just let her go. She isn't stable, she hasn't got her mental illness in check and she is unpredictable. It will never be the way you want or need it to be. Just accept you need to move on. You will not regret it.

[Downtown]

She was recently diagnosed with BPD.

Ben, that diagnosis is not surprising given that self harm (e.g., cutting) is strongly associated with it. Indeed, self harm is one of the 9 symptoms used in diagnosing BPD. I agree with the advice given above by Carrie and Lola. You should go NC. When a BPDer behaves badly, you should enforce your personal boundaries and allow her to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad choices (e.g., cheating on you). This means you must stop protecting her and allow her to suffer the logical consequences of those bad actions.

 

Otherwise, she has no incentive to confront her own issues and to grow up by learning how to manage those issues. Hence, one reason for breaking off your "friendship" is to avoid harming her with your enabling behavior. The other main reason, as I note below, is that she is not capable of being a true friend. Unless she gets many years of therapy, she will never be capable of it.

 

We are still friends at the moment and agreed to "be there for each other".... But I don't know whether I can do it.

Well, if she is a BPDer, you do know SHE cannot do it. Trust is the foundation on which all friendships must be based if they are to be lasting and for her to "be there" for you. Significantly, until a BPDer has worked hard for years in therapy, she is incapable of trusting you for any extended period. I mention this because, when a woman is incapable of trusting YOU, you can never trust HER because she can turn on you at any time -- and she will, as you've already seen several times.

 

Granted, a large share of BPDers do make great casual friends or business associates. Some of my very favorite casual friends are BPDers and I really enjoy being around them. Once you make the mistake of trying to draw close, however, you will start triggering the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment.

 

That is, when you become close friends, you are creating a close relationship that can be abandoned -- and creating intimacy that causes her to have a suffocating feeling of engulfment. This is why, even when a BPDer has a multitude of casual friends and acquaintances, it is very unlikely she has any close long-term friends unless such a friend lives a long distance away.

 

I want to believe she loves me but I think it's always been a more one sided kind of relationship.

Ben, if she is a BPDer, she very likely does love you. Yet, because she has the emotional maturity of a four year old, that love is the type of love seen in very young children. It falls far short of the mature love that is required to sustain a close friendship over time.

 

I just need to know what to do. It is so difficult to just "walk away" or "forget about her and move on".

My experience is that, for caregivers like us, it is very painful to leave a BPDer. We are so empathetic that we can easily see the hurt young girl in the woman. It therefore feels like we are walking away from a sick, young girl -- an action that is anathema to us caregivers.

 

Yet, if she is a BPDer who has not already completed several years (at least) of therapy, walking away is exactly what you should do in order to avoid harming her. If you choose to stay, you will have to continue walking on eggshells and enabling her bad behavior by continually "validating" her false self image of being "The Victim." Otherwise, she will promptly terminate the relationship herself.

 

If you are still having difficulty leaving her, I suggest you read more about BPD traits so you have a better understanding of why you are in over your head with this young lady. An easy place to start reading is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs and my more detailed description of those red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If you would like to read a good book on the subject (that is targeted to abused partners like you), the two best sellers are Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me! If any of those descriptions raises questions, I would be glad to join Carrie and Lola in discussing them with you. Take care, Ben.

[Ben98232]

Thank you to everyone who has had replied.

 

I have had my suspicions for a while that she may suffer from BPD but I didn't want to be the one to make that kind of diagnosis or accusation as I'm not a professional and I know she would not have taken it well. Unfortunately though she does seem to fit most of the criteria. It's really depressing for me to have to accept that. She's going to be receiving weekly therapy for that as well as being placed on various medications.

 

Will it be best to just cut her off without any explanation or should I text her a final goodbye message before I do that? I'm asking specifically as to how I should handle this with someone who has BPD.

 

Thank you for the links you posted too, Downtown.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry. I know you're used to the interaction and this is difficult. But the truth is, you have to cut her off so that you can move on and stop thinking about her and ways to mend things and wondering if she'll be here or there. You have to stop all contact (tell her you think it's time and you want no further contact and then block number and block her on Facebook and you get off her social media entirely and don't allow yourself to dwell out of curiousity). The sooner you do that and have a little time to collect your wits without wondering what the next interaction will be, the sooner you will be ready to go out with friends or go on a little holiday and just start living again. Good luck.

[Spectre]

When she says she didn't mean for you to "find out that way" she means she didn't mean for you to find out at all.

 

She doesn't love or respect you so..get this girl out of your life.

[Downtown]

Will it be best to just cut her off without any explanation or should I text her a final goodbye message before I do that? I'm asking specifically as to how I should handle this with someone who has BPD.

Ben, if you're still in an ongoing relationship with her, it would be kind to tell her that you're ending it, rather than simply disappearing. You could do it by text, as you suggest. If you decide to meet face to face, pick a public place (e.g., a restaurant) to meet at and then leave her there, letting her drive herself home. Things likely will be much less turbulent while strangers are around. Moreover, if you are concerned she may become suicidal on hearing the news, I would suggest you arrange for one of her friends or family members to be there when you deliver the news.

 

On this subject of leaving, I recommend two BPDfamily articles: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10). The latter of these two is especially good. While you are at the BPDfamily forum, you may want to start participating (or at least lurking) at the "Leaving" message board for a while. And please continue to participate here at LoveShack too. We want to keep helping you as long as you find our shared experiences helpful.

[Ben98232]

Thank you for your responses.

 

I will make sure to give her some kind of explanation. Initially I wasn't going to but despite everything that has happened and even if the relationship never meant as much to her, it meant the world to me and so I am going to briefly explain to her why even if only for my own peace of mind.

 

I am still speaking to her, not as regularly as we used to which depresses me a lot. However I began using alcohol as a way to cope after I found out she had cheated back in June and to block things out that had happened. I haven't drank now for over a week and I'm going to hopefully be receiving help for that. She's aware of this and has tried to help me although a slight part of me feels she is doing it in order to be able to use it in her defense and say something along the lines of "I may have cheated and lied to you, but I still tried to help you with your own issues". The problem is that the main reason I'm drinking is because of her. I acknowledge I make the decision to drink but the fact that she lied to my face, slept with someone else behind my back and all the while would fairly often talk to me like complete sh*t whenever she wasn't in a great mood when all I ever tried to do what help her and be there for her.. well, it just makes me feel really terrible overall. She offered to make a deal that we did agree on which was "If you stop drinking, I won't self harm or cut myself". I agreed to it because I thought she was serious about it but other people have told me that she won't stick to it/and or will probably lie about whether or not she has self harmed.

 

I wish I could understand more about how her mind works and why she does or says the things that she does. She often takes pictures of her self harm and keeps them saved on her phone and often shows or sends me them. A lot of people would say this is attention-seeking and maybe it is to some extent.. I just don't understand why she'd do that and why she'd show me. I still try to be supportive and it just makes me feel SO guilty knowing I will have to cut off all contact with her. She's really good at making me feel guilty by playing on various things such as her self harm, crying, saying things like "I wouldn't do this to you" etc etc.

 

I really do hope I'm doing the right thing. I have been clinging onto the hope that me and her would get back together which is why I have remained friends but I don't know if that will ever happen and even if it does, what evidence is there to say that it won't just be a repeat of last time?

 

I'm scared that when I do explain to her that I can't have her in my life anymore that she will win me around and guilt trip me or something. I don't know this for certain but I'm scared that she will and I will then remain in the same place as I am currently.

 

Thank you for the BPD related articles Downtown. I will be sure to take a look into them to help gain a better understanding of this.

[smackie9]

Send her an email if you feel it would be way too easy for her to manipulate you into staying. You will have the opportunity to explain it thoroughly without interruption and have the closure that YOU need in order to move on. Best of luck.

[Woggle]

Make she stays your ex and move on with your life.