Starbright71 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Hi, this is my first time posting, but I've been lurking here for a while. I'll get straight to the point. I've been dating a married man for about 9 months now. He claims he "lives in the garage" that his marriage has been over for years, the usual stuff we all hear. Why am I in this? For the same reason all of us are. We love the guy, we are hoping for a good outcome, even though logic tells us otherwise. So, he plans on filing for a legal separation by the end of the year. He seems to think or say rather, that a legal separation is the same as a divorce, and would allow us to live together. He wants us to "get a place together" once these papers are filed. I'm balking on this as a legal separation doesn't offer me any financial security and to me, legally separated is the same as being legally married as far as finances go, its just that you are allowed to be with others without it being adultery. When I speak of finances, I'm not looking at him as a source of income, I just don't want to get tied up with the expense of a place together and then he goes back to the wife, as most of these "separated" men do. So, how many of you have experiences life w the "legally" separated man and how did that differ from the separated man? Also, wouldn't most of you agree that I'm doing the right thing by putting my foot down and asking him to get a divorce before we consider living together? I mean ifhe truly intends on getting divorced, like he says he does, then why not just get one, instead of doing the legally separated crap? Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I've heard that legal separation is just as lengthy and costly as divorce (at least in the state I am in), so it really doesn't make much sense. I'd be very careful with this one. You concerns are very valid. Link to post Share on other sites
HopeForTomorrow Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Count me in as someone who started dating a "legally separated" man and got "engaged" to this man who, several years later, went back to his wife (but still wanted to keep me). Yep, his wife. Legal separation isn't worth the paper it's written on. Be careful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Red Flag! Why not divorce? Married is married. I would leave him alone until he divorces. YOu could be left , as you said, if he goes back to his wife. Sounds like he hasn't really decided what to do. MARRIED IS MARRIED. I have no experience of legal separation. I believe it is quite rare in my country. I think you have replied to your own question. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Are you in the US? If so, legal separation exists in some states. In fact, unless the divorce is "for cause," the state may require a certain period of legal separation before divorce can occur, so it's not a matter of either/or but of sequential steps that have to be taken. Typically, in a legal separation, all the hard work of dividing assets, splitting finances, etc., occurs, leaving the divorce as a formality at the end of the separation period. You might want to look into your local laws so you can better understand what this status might mean for you and you man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Why legal seperation and not divorce? Is he holding out hope that his m will work IF you two do not? Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Major Red Flags. I know a lot about divorce. Most people DO NOT file for separation, rather "legal separation" is part of the divorce process. I filed for divorce. In my state, the date of filing is PUBLIC record. The court will not act on the filing for 3 months. After which the judge will look at financial affidavits and grant one person (or this can be done out of court) sole occupancy of the residence. Again, this motion is PUBLIC record. There is usually a period of 6 to 12 months before a divorce is final...longer if there are kids. I really think this man is bullish*tting you and giving you crumbs to keep you interested. My exMM did just this. I doubt he is living over the garage. His W probably has NO idea he is unhappy. Get out now, it doesn't get easier. If you feel strongly about him, tell him to not contact you until he has actually filed for DIVORCE and then go to the court and look at the document yourself. At least at that point his wife will have been served and she won't be in the dark about her status. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starbright71 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm from the state of Va. I do think the legal separation thing is crap as well. I plan to follow my gut instinct on this one and definitely not live together until the divorce happens, which my gut tells me it wont. I wish my gut instinct would've kept me out of this mess in the first place, but I'm only human. At least there is a stopping point to my stupidity. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I think it would depend how quickly they are progressing to divorce. Mine is moving as quickly as possible for a particular reason. I would never return to my h. So if someone was dating me they wouldnt have a problem. If he is willing to "live with you" why not just get a divorce and do it properly would be my question. I wouldnt want to tie myself up with him either, things can change too quickly. Especially if there are children involced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 (edited) It would be wise not to move in with him until he is DIVORCED. That makes perfect sense to me and I think it would be too much of a risk otherwise. Any person with common sense would understand your reservations. He's lucky you've even put up with this for 9 months, but he can't have it all before giving you some more assurance or insurance. Don't move in with him. Once he's divorced sure. He can legally separate and get his own place and you can be a couple in the open (does his wife know about you?) and then when he's divorced you take it to the next level. In general, unless an engagement is in place or in the works I'm not a fan of living with a bf, much less a married one, legally separated or not. You have nothing to lose waiting until he divorces but have more to lose emotionally and otherwise if you rush to move in and things don't pan out as you'd hope. Edited October 18, 2015 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 googled it... Also, unlike many other states, Virginia courts do not grant "Legal Separations." Separation Agreements, also known as Property Settlement Agreements, or sometimes by other names, are legal contracts that both spouses sign. In an ordinary divorce case or in a "bed and board divorce," these agreements can be used to decide any of the questions of custody, support, property division, debt and other matters which would otherwise have to be decided in a court hearing as part of the divorce. Most Separation Agreements deal with all of these issues. The Separation Agreement can even state that the divorce will be on no-fault grounds. The no-fault grounds of divorce that are available in Virginia are an intentional, permanent separation which is continued without interruption for one year, or for six months if there is a complete Separation Agreement and there are no minor children. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Clearly the adultery isn't an issue now, so why bother with the legal separation? Yeah - too many red flags here. The biggest one for mine is a man who would jump straight from wife to you without some time living on his own, learning what led him to stray and doing work on himself to not go there again. Sure love him, but this guy is so far away from a safe bet. I suspect he's lying about a lot of things, but at the very least he's conflict avoidant with poor coping mechanisms. I wouldn't be taking a gamble on that. But hey, it's your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Starbright71 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 Wow, thank you for that information! I should've googled it myself, but my bull**** alert was already up so high that I was focusing on other areas of bs, such as...he seems to think Divorce Lawyers are like walk in barber shops and he can just walk in without an appointment and all will be well. At first he was filing in November. Now that Oct has 2 more weeks in it, its changed to the "end of the year" whatever that means. I told him that if he seriously wanted to "file those papers" he'd have to call and make an appt. Good lawyers don't do walk ins. lol Then I reminded him that he couldn't just file and complete papers in one day. It takes a couple of weeks for the submitted paperwork to go through and then there is some time after that before its finalized. Why am I with him??? Despite all the bs, there is some love and good times btwn us. I thought I could just live in the moment with this and somehow something would work out either way. Right now we are stuck in this never ending limbo state Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Weather he divorces or separates at the end of the year it's still a big risk to move in with him. It's not healthy to walk out of one relationship right into another one. It doesn't matter if he says his marriage is over, when he leaves he's still going to be hit with a bunch of emotions and baggage to work through. He needs time to grieve the end of his marriage and to learn to be on his own. Newly separated or divorced men are high risk when it comes to having a serious relationship with them. Sometimes they go back, sometimes after the dust settles and they start to feel better, they decide they like being single and resent the fact that you are looking for something serious. They want to be free and play for a bit. So doesn't matter if he separates or divorces, he needs to be on his own for a while before he commits to a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 If a man isn't in an emotional state where he is ready to divorce then he isn't in a position to move forward in any stable healthy relationship with another woman. Of course he can claim "its complicated" however should it be more clear if the marriage has been over for years? Once it became clear that I couldn't move forward in my marriage it took me 8 months to be comfortable with the idea of divorce, and I didn't have a woman that I claimed to want a life with waiting in the wings. Your gut is leading you down the right road. It would be wise to cut him off until and only when he has divorced. Easier said then done, but a lot easier then putting your nose down and staying the course. Only to look up and find yourself in the same situation say 5 or six years down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 3 words of yours : he plans on 3 words of mine: run like hell Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Does his wife know about this and agree with it? If not, it's all pie in the sky. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm from the state of Va. I do think the legal separation thing is crap as well. I plan to follow my gut instinct on this one and definitely not live together until the divorce happens, which my gut tells me it wont. I wish my gut instinct would've kept me out of this mess in the first place, but I'm only human. At least there is a stopping point to my stupidity. In Virginia, you have to be "legally separated" for a minimum of a year before filing for divorce. You really should follow your gut on this one. If he hasn't even filed the papers for legal separation yet, then he's made no steps towards divorce. Also, you can't be "legally separated" but still live in the same residence. He needs to move out or she does because if they are still living together it may make the separation null and void. It sounds to me like he wants to use you as a buffer for making that change of moving out to his own place. What he really needs to do is get his OWN place without you, or have a roommate if he can't afford to live alone. Follow your gut, I've learned from experience that if it seems hinky, it probably is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Hi, this is my first time posting, but I've been lurking here for a while. I'll get straight to the point. I've been dating a married man for about 9 months now. He claims he "lives in the garage" that his marriage has been over for years, the usual stuff we all hear. Why am I in this? For the same reason all of us are. We love the guy, we are hoping for a good outcome, even though logic tells us otherwise. So, he plans on filing for a legal separation by the end of the year. He seems to think or say rather, that a legal separation is the same as a divorce, and would allow us to live together. He wants us to "get a place together" once these papers are filed. I'm balking on this as a legal separation doesn't offer me any financial security and to me, legally separated is the same as being legally married as far as finances go, its just that you are allowed to be with others without it being adultery. When I speak of finances, I'm not looking at him as a source of income, I just don't want to get tied up with the expense of a place together and then he goes back to the wife, as most of these "separated" men do. So, how many of you have experiences life w the "legally" separated man and how did that differ from the separated man? Also, wouldn't most of you agree that I'm doing the right thing by putting my foot down and asking him to get a divorce before we consider living together? I mean ifhe truly intends on getting divorced, like he says he does, then why not just get one, instead of doing the legally separated crap? Years ago, I dated a man who was supposedly living in the downstairs part of the house while he and his wife amicably awaited their divorce. I came to find out months later the entire thing was a charade. If they were divorcing and currently doing an in-house separation, I guess he neglected to tell his wife about it. So I told her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Does his wife know about this and agree with it? If not, it's all pie in the sky. LOL. The wife is usually the last one to know. Link to post Share on other sites
amomwhoknows Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Did you, by any chance, give him an ultimatum? Because, gently, most of the time when someone is thinking of getting a divorce they have done lots of research especially if they are already living in separate bedrooms. Your post indicates he had done no thinking or planning. My gut tells me he is stringing you along -- I think your gut knows that. Are there minor children or children at all? How old is this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I don't claim to know the matrimonial law of Virginia. And other than what you've read on the internet neither do you. Why keep guessing? You should spend a few bucks on lawyer consultation. Get the true answer. States have different rules. All I can tell you with certainty is that separates doesn't equal divorced and that as long as he's not divorced he cannot legally remarry. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Years ago, I dated a man who was supposedly living in the downstairs part of the house while he and his wife amicably awaited their divorce. I came to find out months later the entire thing was a charade. If they were divorcing and currently doing an in-house separation, I guess he neglected to tell his wife about it. So I told her. My story exactly. So common...this living together as "roomies" while we work out the divorce. Nope. Although I must say that my exH stayed in the house with me for 10 LONG months after I filed for divorce. I had to go to court to get sole occupancy. The difference is I FILED...I wasn't just "planning" on "separating" at some point. Pretty sure the wife in this story has no clue he even wants a divorce/separation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 My story exactly. So common...this living together as "roomies" while we work out the divorce. Nope. Although I must say that my exH stayed in the house with me for 10 LONG months after I filed for divorce. I had to go to court to get sole occupancy. The difference is I FILED...I wasn't just "planning" on "separating" at some point. Pretty sure the wife in this story has no clue he even wants a divorce/separation. So many red flags to this one...He lives in the garage. He's getting a seperation at the end of this year. Blah, blah, blah....If a man/woman wants out of a marriage, they do not make excuses...everyone's grown so why lie? Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Weather he divorces or separates at the end of the year it's still a big risk to move in with him. It's not healthy to walk out of one relationship right into another one. It doesn't matter if he says his marriage is over, when he leaves he's still going to be hit with a bunch of emotions and baggage to work through. He needs time to grieve the end of his marriage and to learn to be on his own. Newly separated or divorced men are high risk when it comes to having a serious relationship with them. Sometimes they go back, sometimes after the dust settles and they start to feel better, they decide they like being single and resent the fact that you are looking for something serious. They want to be free and play for a bit. So doesn't matter if he separates or divorces, he needs to be on his own for a while before he commits to a new relationship. I could argue that "it depends".... he really could be totally over the wife and the emotion is all gone. Time will tell. Many people can successfully move in with another after a break up from another, it just depends on the circumstances. If there's heavy emotions, there's probably some risk. Starbright71: I'm sure you understand the separation/divorce laws in your state. Have a serious conversation with him and get to try to understand where he stands and will commit to. You "may" be ok moving in with him, but even your relationship with him is pretty short. Nine months is just enough time to barely get to know him. I could argue not to make serious financial commitments with him, i.e. don't "share" a rental agreement and certainly don't buy a house together and have a reasonable way to escape it it doesn't work. And, if it doesn't work, you'll be heartbroken.... but if it fails tomorrow, you will be too. Worth the risk? Only you can make that choice. Look at his history, (and yours) Has he been honest with you? Do you really trust him? If it turns out great, then it will be great. At this point in time, there is a LOT of risk and chances of success are not good. Link to post Share on other sites
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