Crvzquez Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 So I've been with my wife for 6 yrs and we have 2 children. Recently she got accepted and started a nursing program. It's very demanding. So I started to suspect she was fluttering or something with a fellow student. At first she mentioned a guy at school who was a photographer and she desperately wanted him to take pictures of our daughters. I said no and suggested another more familiar place like a store at the mall. Well she got upset. Then a few days later, she text about how hard school is and I responded with some positive support but not to extreme. So then she replies with how I need to be more supportive and sweet talk to her because that is all she needs to hear from me. Now I was at work but a thought came to me. I assume that someone had tried to sweet talk her and she fit upset because I didn't do it. Now I tell my wife I love you 10 to 20 times a day. I work and she takes care of the household and goes to school. So I get offended and confront her about it and ask if anyone gives her" moral "support". She says no. So I grab her phone and sure enough at the same time frame a whole conversation between her and the other guy student about how much they help each other and pep talk about how they ate going to make it, stay in their. So she got upset and we left it at that. Second incident. I go out of town for a couple of days. I come back and on her call log is one of her male classmates. But the log read deleted text in between text. A feature I just so happen to stumble upon. I confront her and ask, have you been deleting messages? She says no I'm crazy. I asked a second time with what if I can prove you have? She says no. I show her and she says ok I did and what? . I go crazy. She gets mad and tells me she only did it because she knew I would get mad if I found out she was texting a guy. Keep in mind just select few text were deleted in one conversation, in another 2 days worth. I couldn't recover any of the text so I am left with whatever she tells me. Fast forward a few days later. So for her to prove she isn't hiding anything we both go through her phone. So silly me I read what she text her mom. Well it read I don't care if he gets mad I'm going to finish this program. Naturally her mom backs up her daughter. Oh by the way my mother in law lives with me is a self proclaimed man hater. So my wife freaks out and her reason for writting that text was so she can bond with her mom better. The common enemy being me. But if coarse she didn't really mean any of it. So, I feel like my wife is lying and manipulative or is she right, am I an over jealous husband? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Well I have a few sayings. One, if it doesn't feel right, it's not. If you keep it a secret you shouldn't be doing it. yes you have every right to be not only jealous, BUT concerned about her behavior. This interaction with this guy is all going to her head and she is being misguided by her emotions. You need to step in and have this addressed but in a calm direct manner without the interference of her mother. Nothing wrong with developing relationships with others, as long as it doesn't over step boundaries. Her texting with this guy all the time is not appropriate, and obvious some of the content in those texts are in question. Oh I'm sure she is covering things up, but she is also manipulating her own mother as well to. You need to show her how this hurts you, and it's scaring you. I feel if you get real with her (not angry or defensive) it will hopefully snap her out of it or at least make her think of the effect it is having on your marriage. Communication is key, and yes maybe you will hear things you don't want to hear. Some people don't realize that there needs to be more done in a marriage to keep that emotional connection. It's possible that this is a reason why she is slipping away......her tell you to say sweet things to her was a cry for help. Her emotional state is in trouble, and it's up to you to have many conversations with her as well as being a good listener. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I think beyond jealousy, you've got to give up trying to control her if you want to keep her. You may be creating your own problems. I think she feels you don't support possibly anything she does that is outside the home and that you don't approve of it, so you don't support her. She is her own person and you don't have the right to decide what she wants to do. You seem even to resent her speaking to her mom about her issues (which at the moment is you). Now, if you have caught her red-handed boinking someone, then I will eat my words, but I think your insecurity is showing and it's not going to be beneficial to you. If you can afford it, maybe some marital counseling when she's on a school break. It might clear the air. Give you a fresh start, teach you to communicate better, both of you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 He should resent the fact she is speaking with her mother about their relationship issues. He should also be upset at all the lies and suspicious behavior. Also WHY would she get upset over the fact the OP didn't want some dude she met in class taking photos of their daughter? Explain to me why a woman who isn't up to anything would get upset over that? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 If she wants a career & needs additional education to get her license you need to find a way to be OK with that. However, her new BFF is a problem. Sit her down & calmly talk about him. Make sure you differentiate your support for her new career vs. your valid concerns about her classmate. Talk about boundaries. Admit you are jealous. On some level your wife is going to view this as proof you care Be proactive. Offer to have this new classmate come to your home for a study session at the kitchen table with her. Make sure you are there. He needs to see you two as a functioning happy couple. She may be singing a song to him about how you don't understand her. If you can show him she's lying about that he may voluntarily back off. Meanwhile what can you do to support your wife's legitimate goal? Make her flash cards? Babysit the kids? Buy her a medical dictionary or a stethoscope? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Be proactive. Offer to have this new classmate come to your home for a study session at the kitchen table with her. Make sure you are there. He needs to see you two as a functioning happy couple. She may be singing a song to him about how you don't understand her. If you can show him she's lying about that he may voluntarily back off. Meanwhile what can you do to support your wife's legitimate goal? Make her flash cards? Babysit the kids? Buy her a medical dictionary or a stethoscope? This^^^^ better to approach this in a more positive way. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Errr okay as a guy I think inviting the male classmate over is not the solution. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 She wants the sweet talk from YOU. Perhaps she can see herself getting close to her classmate and likes the way he shows support, but it's really YOU she wants that support from. If I were in your position, then I'd not only be feeling jealous, but suspicious and insecure. Sometimes in situations where women especially have been looking after the kids at home for a while and get into the work or study environment, they feel like their own person and not mom or wife. I'm sure she doesn't want to risk your marriage, but she should try and see it from your viewpoint. I could be wrong, but you do come across as a little bit controlling ....either that or the situation made you pretty angry. If I had a coworker that could take photos of my kids, I wouldn't even ask my husband.......I'd just go ahead and arrange it.........that's just made me think actually. ..... I think it's good that you're trying to get views on the situation though. It's a positive way to reflect on your actions. BTW - you shouldn't have looked at the conversation with her mom. She should have some privacy surely. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Why is there such a power struggle going on in your marriage in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Well the circumstances may be different but i recognize that attitude she has! I was married for 6 years, have a 3 year old daughter, she moved out last January divorce pending. She did not even want to bother with marriage counseling, she was done. I definitely sensed there was a 'wife whisperer' involved. ***What i learnt is that you definitely cannot take anything for granted just because you are married*** Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 ***What i learnt is that you definitely cannot take anything for granted just because you are married*** This 100%. And even if you think you do enough, there is still room to do more. Link to post Share on other sites
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