Wife was drunk and revealed dark secrets.Paralyzed by shock.Heart hurts bad

[rok]

DISCLAIMER: all the following has just happened within the last 24 hours, I’m experiencing a wide variety of emotions, and as such this is not written with any accuracy or properness, likely many typos and improper grammar – I cant worry about that **** right now, but if I am ever to collect myself ill probably go through here and clean it up. I probably just need to say this **** to someone BUT I am DESPERATELY seeking some advice.

 

Seeking marriage advice, found out about some ****ty dark secrets my wife has been keeping from me, and as a result - such a revelation automatically casts uncertainty on just about every suspicious incident we’ve been through. You should also know that I still love my wife with all my heart, she’s my best friend and world, and is the best person I’ve ever met and I don’t think I could see her any differently --- but that is precisely why this hurts me so much. I’d like any advice given; any other perspectives given will help me think this through. The shock of all this has not sunk in yet, plus work deadlines are breathing down my neck, I’ve not yet processed this and no idea how to feel or what to do.

I've been with my wife for almost 10 years, married for 5 of them. Also we've pretty much grown up together - we're high school sweethearts who got together when she was 14 and I was 16. And aside from my time in basic training, we’ve spent almost every day together happily.

As such, one key component of our relationship is that we an understanding to always be honest to each other, no matter if it hurts – and we were both under the impression we’ve told each other everything. Also, she had told me not only was I the first person she’s been intimate with, but also the only person who has seen her naked, made out with, or essentially been allowed to fool around with her in any capacity. She is also my first love, and I lost my virginity to her. So, while it wasn’t something I had to have – It was something that I thought that made our marriage even more special feeling and certainly didn’t mind having.

To illustrate just how close we still are, prior to the events I’m about to describe, we had the ridiculously silly idea/goal that there was a chance that this might be the greatest, best marriage that has ever been, or that it is certainly special. Perhaps it still will be, I really do want it to be so.

Anyway, we don’t drink often but last night I decided to take her to a few clubs she’s wanted to go to. She ended up being incredibly intoxicated, and had mentioned something about her ex boyfriend (the one when she was 14, it was him, then a rebound for 2 wks, then me). This is the same guy that I had caught her talking to in the very beginning of our relationship, after I took her virginity and “was the love of her life”, saying **** like “baby I miss you”, she wanted to get back with him but he didn’t her (im thinking maybe he hit it and quit it)….I never wondered about why until now, and I literally get sick thinking about what im about to tell and all of the possible implications that my mind has been racing though. ALTHOUGH it never sat well with me or made any sense that here it was, I have this girl whose virginity I took, who was supposedly madly in love with me, but was wanting to get back with her ex (there was no cherry popped because she really was tragically sexually molested at the age of 4). It never made sense, so when she mentioned him and drunk spilling information about some things that I was never quite able to get out of my head. So, while I wish with all my heart I didn’t, I took complete advantage of this situation and very subtlety verbally manipulated / interrogated her in a really relaxed way – like the things she was admitting to was no big deal, I stayed calm as my heart was breaking. Fast forward and here is what all she told me about, which just fyi now has made my mind race through all the times that were shady and is killing me on the inside:

 

Well the boyfriend she initially spoke about, well she admitted to being drunk with his cousin and another random guy (but shes trying to say she doesn’t know one of their names, hard to believe but ok), they were naked, she was naked except panties (so she says), she let them suck on her tits and touch her over her underwear, but she never admitted to sex – so I very much consider her having cheated on that boyfriend before me….but just imagine, my wife has built an image of herself in my mind as being innocent, pure, and undefiled and now she admits to ****ing around with 2 dudes at the same time, and neither of them were even in a relationship with her, my world is spiraling down a ****ty ****ty toilet . Also, even if that’s all she did but did it while we were married – I’d ****ing shoot those ****heads, that’s cheating in my book even if it doesn’t go farther. That’s not all, she also admits to also getting naked with the boyfriend, and “just kissing and he touched my tits a little” – but says she was “uncomfortable” to go all the way, ****ing yea right but it continues. She also admits to letting the rebound go under her shirt and touch ****; KEEP IN MIND SHE is the one who admitted that she has never done anything more than ever having a kiss lasting around 10 seconds. I’ve never given her to be under the impression that I cared if she was a virgin or anything else, but I very much care about honest, and she knows that is the only thing I require in our marriage. At this point I was really hurt, but didn’t let anything on to find out if she ****ed around when I was in the Army or anything else - but she was starting to sober up, so all I could get out of her was that shes talked to several guys since we’ve been together, including the ex from above about “4 years ago” --- that’s while we were married.

At this point, she was still very drunk, but did at least realize that she was saying **** that she shouldn’t. So she started to not answer stuff, so I asked things differently, but was only able to again confirm the same stories she told me that I mentioned above. I think I saw her realize she had to get out of this situation, so she would be quiet, then gag (idk if it was pretend or real, but she at almost regular intervals over like a period of an hr), and then she puked – so at that point, despite what all she said, I felt like a complete ****head and I took care of her and got her home. Yet at that point she again sobered more but I could tell was still drunk, and would not leave me alone for about 3 hours she kept saying sorry, then her stories starting changing and she also said things like “baby please I promise I thought I told you that stuff already” – which my only reply was, “no hun, you did not tell me you got ****ed by 2 dudes at the same time”. I felt like ****, but she was crying – and I just love her so much, even still, so I held her and comforted her saying it was all alright and to go to sleep. Soon as she fell asleep I couldn’t make myself look at her or stay in the same room.

Needless to say I had trouble sleeping. I then remembered when we were in high school seeing a myspace message asking her if these 2 guys could “DP” her (I assume double penetration), to which she responded “ yeah”, and those 2 high school dudes were like “wow really ok awesome” . Also, I realized that actually the last time her and I went out drinking, she got very drunk again, and started saying **** about wanting to **** one of my friends. But she was so drunk at that point, she was having trouble forming any coherent sentences, so I never thought much of it. Now I feel like a complete ****ing idiot.

At any rate, shes been at work all day, but I did talk to her: I reassured her everything was ok and told her not to worry, and asked if we can not atlk about this as I have so much work to do that I cant have my mind not being able to focus – yet that is exactly what is happening. I’ve not done ****, I’m pissed, I’m scared , I’m clueless, and powerlessness. I don’t think ill be able to look at her, I’m quite disgusted – I’ve put so much effort into my marriage to be sure she feels like she is treated like a queen every day, I’ve competed in bodybuilding competitions so I’ve atleast tried to keep my appearance up so she doesn’t need wandering eyes, I’ve told her everything – I never claimed not to fool around or kiss other girls before we dated, and I told her truthfully whatever she asked, and if shes been cheating – I find it bull**** that I , the guy, who has had many women desire anything from flirt to just plain old want to suck/**** me – I resisted the temptation throughout high school, college, and every situation ive been faithful, and it was not easy at all – but it looks like the courtesy wasn’t returned.

So here is something I’m struggling with about all this: she was very drunk, against all the signs – I want to believe she was just confused or talking out her. But then I think back, whenever I’m wasted I don’t think ive ever made up such detailed lies of ANYTHING whenever someone questions me – have you guys? Also, since this **** that she at least admitted to occur before we were together – but after 10 years of her lies and leading me to believe I’m the only one who has been allowed to do anything with her, I feel betrayed and disgusted on so many levels. But how should I feel, what the hell am I supposed to do? There’s no proof, but I have to believe that if what she said isn’t 100% a truthful account of what happened – I do think there is a significant % of it being the truth, which kills me. What do u guys think, any chance it all was just her making up a big lie for fun ?? How am I supposed to react to this crap? How about all the suspicious **** that has happened during our marriage and relationship, such as one of her co-workers and other guys having put on her facebook wall either sexual/romantic/love themed posts. Actually, now that I think about it, theres been a lot of shady **** that I’ve seen wondered about. Though, especially in the beginning – I would be mad, maybe even beat up someone who “put his hand up her skirt”, she would tell me her side, cry, apologize, and I’d forgive her. Then as I matured, if anything looked ****ty I’d always give her the benefit of the doubt, we’d discuss whats going on, and it rarely even turns into a fight because I’ve somehow convinced myself, despite everything, that I am right to completely trust her. I’m so dumb. What do I do??????? Help anything help????!!! So lost. I still love her with all my heart , think her to be the best person ive ever met, but my god I feel an anger stirring and im so disgusted I don’t know if I can even look in her eyes, much less sleep in the same bed, or have any type of intimacy for awhile if not ever. My life feels over, she was my world – we grew up together, we came from nothing, endured some seriously hard bull****s of life together, and made ourselves a nice life . Now I find out ive never even know who my wife is. I don’t want to divorce her, IDK if that would even be an appropriate response to this, if anything at all is, but IDK what to do at all. If you would be kind enough to share any advice, I give my word I wont take it for granted and will consider everyones point of view. I do ask, however, that 1) should anyone discover who we are, and knows my wife – don’t judge her, shes a good person regardless of her actions/impulses in our relationship. And 2 ) please consider all perspective but also when giving advice consider not just what I said but also the implications and/or anything that I might be overlooking. I feel like I don’t want to talk to her about this and bury it so deep, but I know the nature of myself – and this will, either way, likely eat at me til the day I die.

[autumnnight]

First, come clean with her. here's what I mean. Tell her exactly what topic of conversation you chose to broach while she was too drunk to know what she was doing or saying, and tell her what she told you.

 

If I am understanding what you are saying:

 

When she was 14 she had a boyfriend. While this 14 year old was with her boyfriend (who I am assuming was around the same age), she was very stupid and got topless and just in her panties and let an other boy (or boys?) do things with her. AFTER this happened, you two 15 year olds started dating, and around the time your two 15 year olds were beginning to date, she was still pining a bit for her first boyfriend.

 

After this, she continued dating you, at around 15, you two had full intercourse, continued to date, married, and have now been married five years.

 

In the meantime, she told you while she was a teenager that you were the only one she had had sex with or who had seen her completely naked. While technically true, the fact that these other adolescent boys saw her adolescent breasts and touched her really, and understandably, hurts you, and you are not sure what to do.

 

I won't address the cheating on her first boyfriend issue because no one who understand child and adolescent development would fixate on a 14 year old's actions as some lifetime predictor of behavior (though I am certain some will try).

 

I can understand what a shock this must have been. My advice will depend on a few things:

 

If you, as a now adult man married five years to a now adult woman who, by your own words, has been a good enough wife to you for both of you to speculate about having the best marriage on earth...if YOU, that adult man, can discuss this with her honestly, see the adult woman she is separate from the 14 year old girl, and move past it with NO tainted punishment view of your now adult wife....I say work through it.

 

If you are a man who will forever now see his adult wife of 5 years as dirty and damaged because of a 14 year old's bad decision and a teenager's embarrassed lie.....then divorce. Leave. You have no kids. You can find a woman who meets your ideal, and she can find a man who accepts her past.

 

If what you are looking for is male commiseration about how awful she is, I guarantee you will find that. It all depends on what you really want. And what you believe it means when you say you love your wife.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't quite understand the several threads we have had lately about what the wife did before she got married....and then the husband finds out and now the whole world is Topsy turvy.

 

I was a virgin when i met my husband and except for being molested by three family members had no sexual experience at all. My husband has NEVER asked me details about my past...NEVER and we have been married 43 years.

 

I know he was not a virgin when i met him....and i really don't care what happened before i met him.

 

If your wife has been a good wife...if you love her.... and she loves you....i do not see why these details should make a difference in how you feel about her now.

 

We all have things about our past we just rather not talk about. Don't make this a huge big deal.....

 

If however...the information she disclosed is more than you can bear....and you cannot get over it...then divorce her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I can understand why you want total honesty in your relationship with your wife.

 

As I understand it, the issue you have is with honesty, not with what she did before she became your gf?

 

It may be that the shame of the molestation that was done to her at the age of four is keeping her from being able to be totally honest. Idk, but think it's worth exploring the idea of her working together with a professional to get over the shame of what was done to her. She may be over it on an intellectual level but not on an emotional level.

Edited October 17, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease

[rok]

First, come clean with her. here's what I mean. Tell her exactly what topic of conversation you chose to broach while she was too drunk to know what she was doing or saying, and tell her what she told you.

 

If I am understanding what you are saying:

 

When she was 14 she had a boyfriend. While this 14 year old was with her boyfriend (who I am assuming was around the same age), she was very stupid and got topless and just in her panties and let an other boy (or boys?) do things with her. AFTER this happened, you two 15 year olds started dating, and around the time your two 15 year olds were beginning to date, she was still pining a bit for her first boyfriend.

 

After this, she continued dating you, at around 15, you two had full intercourse, continued to date, married, and have now been married five years.

 

In the meantime, she told you while she was a teenager that you were the only one she had had sex with or who had seen her completely naked. While technically true, the fact that these other adolescent boys saw her adolescent breasts and touched her really, and understandably, hurts you, and you are not sure what to do.

 

I won't address the cheating on her first boyfriend issue because no one who understand child and adolescent development would fixate on a 14 year old's actions as some lifetime predictor of behavior (though I am certain some will try).

 

I can understand what a shock this must have been. My advice will depend on a few things:

 

If you, as a now adult man married five years to a now adult woman who, by your own words, has been a good enough wife to you for both of you to speculate about having the best marriage on earth...if YOU, that adult man, can discuss this with her honestly, see the adult woman she is separate from the 14 year old girl, and move past it with NO tainted punishment view of your now adult wife....I say work through it.

 

If you are a man who will forever now see his adult wife of 5 years as dirty and damaged because of a 14 year old's bad decision and a teenager's embarrassed lie.....then divorce. Leave. You have no kids. You can find a woman who meets your ideal, and she can find a man who accepts her past.

 

If what you are looking for is male commiseration about how awful she is, I guarantee you will find that. It all depends on what you really want. And what you believe it means when you say you love your wife.

 

 

Autumnnight, thank you for taking the time to reply. I really like the thoughtfulness of your summary, and generally think this is a good place for me to start addressing this. Because of the quality of your response, I look forward to hearing other perspectives from other members of this community.

 

What you have said is an accurate, but incomplete analysis of what all factors are causing me such issues. For example, in addition to what you have said:

 

1) The most important factor that we've established to have in our marriage is honesty, and to a degree, complete transparency with each other no matter the consequence. It is an extremely hard pill to swallow, that on the many numerous occasion the opportunity has occurred where she could tell me at least some truth of this, she hid it for 10 years. So to be frank with you, I am not so much upset with what she did as a kid, though it is quite hurtful to imagine my wife like that - I am very angry that she kept the lie of us being the only ones who have shared intimacy, I never have pressured her / or even suggested that I cared about any of that, but I very much care about her propagating that lie regularly, unprovoked, for 10 years.

 

2) I am extremely concerned about the implications of point #1. It casts a reasonable shadow of doubt on many of the issues that, while resolved, never felt quite right or made sense. Many times this situations would just end with her claims to ignorance and innocence while crying - which I now see is probably a week spot I have for her. In the past, there was a situations where I really hurt a person bad for putting his hand up her skirt, "unprovoked", and now I must consider I hurt this man that might have been merely responding to her signs. Also, that very day I saw that short skirt she was wearing, and I told her she should go home and change, but instead she stayed and tells me of her incident.

 

3) Also, there are now many events that are so suspicious. If she can keep telling me a lie regularly for 10 years, on something I've always told her that while I do that its pretty cool and rare that we're the only partners we've had - I would love her just the same if it wasn't true. Maybe she felt like she had to stick to her story, but we've had moments where we open up to a deeper level with each other the opportunity to tell the truth was there. She knows very well how much I value honesty.

 

4) While of course it hurts to be shocked by finding out a place that was claimed to be only yours, has actually been visited by numerous people hurts. It hurts me far more to think that in 10 years and all the effort, dedication, faithfulness, - I mean I have literally changed so much of myself to be a good husband - that none of that matters and there is at least some, to potentially a lot that I don't know about my best friend, and wife.

 

5) I took my vows very seriously, and to think this whole time she must have been having a good laugh at my stupidity and gullibility to just eagerly choke down any lie she feeds me. She does something wrong? Cry - and I forgive. My wife has been psychologically and emotionally manipulating me since the very beginning, and it is revealed that the SOLE person on this planet that I was able to trust completely and let my guard down around, to show vulnerability to - which was extremely hard for me - has actually been taking advantage of this to have power and control over me. This is exposing sides to my marriage I didn't think would ever emerge

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I think if you found out some things that she did while you were married, then you have a legitimate problem. I am of the mind that what happened in her life before she married you is none of your concern, so you shouldn't make it a concern.

 

Now I can see the issue here is trust. Has she done things during your marriage that would cause you not to trust her? Is this the first time you are questioning that trust in her? Because if this is the case, then I really feel you just need to let it go. What she did as a 14yr old little girl doesn't define her as a woman. You have defined her as a great and loving wife. I mean, if everything in your M is fine, and this truth about her past is the only issue, then I say drop it. Get some individual counseling if you need help to overcome this.

[TaraMaiden2]

I don't quite understand the several threads we have had lately about what the wife did before she got married....and then the husband finds out and now the whole world is Topsy turvy.

She was a child. What kids do while growing up in adolescence can sometimes be shocking and shameful to them years down the line - but they were just kids, finding their way in the world, experimenting and finding stuff out.

 

I can fully understand why she lied.

I can fully understand why she felt she had to lie to you.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to get over it, and yourself.

Simply because you're her husband now, you have no entitlement or authority over her life and choices then.

 

You behaved in a sneaky, manipulative conniving way, and manoeuvred her into telling you things which had you not been so insistent about, would still be unknown to you.

 

Well more fool you.

You did this to yourself.

 

Not for no reason is the proverb 'let sleeping dogs lie' an appropriate one.

 

you shook the dog now it's bitten you in the ass.

 

Read here .

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am really sorry you have suffered a heart break and that your wife is not who you thought she was. It is a terrible thing to be disappointed in people.

 

Save yourself time and energy...go see a lawyer now...because she can never be the person you thought she was.

Edited October 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[perol]

I don't see what you're getting so upset about.

 

She told you she didn't have sex with any guys before you and she wasn't fully naked with any guys before you and nothing she told you in her drunken stupor contradicts that.

 

So she left out a few details about fooling around with a couple of guys when she was a teenager, it's not completely straightforward but it's not a blatent outright lie either.

 

I think you're taking this whole thing way too personally.

 

She omitted those details so you'd feel a bit more special. I'm not seeing a huge problem with it and there's no evidence that she's ever cheated on you, you're just taking this too far for your own good and you're going to cause major problems where there doesnt have to be any.

[StBreton]

OP you sound like a nice man and your wife a nice woman. Thank you for serving out country.

 

I believe how you can serve your marriage better is to forget about anything in her past unless she wants to talk about something that is bothering her that she needs to process. You have black and white thinking on this matter ...I think it has a little to do with your age and inexperience in realizing we all have done things we're not proud of. I think the way you worked your wife to get info out of her while drunk is disrespectful of her person and borderline abusive. You're starting on a slippery slope here and I suggest jumping off before you ruin your marriage. Believe in her.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Not only is this an inaccurate assessment, it is laden with female bias. I welcome female perspective, but you would belittle me for feeling betrayal over such a significant, constantly unnecessarily repeated lie for 10 years? No, blaming the victim - never ok. I've treated my wife as a queen, I deserve and EXPECT at least to be respected enough to have an honest marriage. Thats all I ever ask of her.

 

Have you had an honest marriage? How many other signs of dishonesty is there outside of truths that happened before marriage?

[StBreton]

Rok ...I've been reading the threads and posts of Tara and Mrs Adams for a long time ...their advice is solid. Because it doesn't gel with your very black and white thinking ...you continue on your bandwagon ... if you continue with your destructive and judgemental thinking you're going to ruin your marriage. If you think you'll find a woman who is better than your wife ...I'd suggest reading the posts by the many discouraged guys on here who lament about the wishy washy women they seem to constantly encounter.

 

Let it go before you crash land. Your wife is not perfect ...she did something she is not proud if. Geez at the age of 14 I played many a game of kiss spin the bottle (several guys and girls) and had a few hickies ... We experimented. I went on to have a faithful 18 yr marriage. Seriously let this go!

[rok]

I can understand why you want total honesty in your relationship with your wife.

 

As I understand it, the issue you have is with honesty, not with what she did before she became your gf?

 

It may be that the shame of the molestation that was done to her at the age of four is keeping her from being able to be totally honest. Idk, but think it's worth exploring the idea of her working together with a professional to get over the shame of what was done to her. She may be over it on an intellectual level but not on an emotional level.

 

 

Yes, that is correct. Thank you, this is quite helpful. Seriously, I really appreciate that. I really needed to hear this perspective

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Can you answer my questions at least? I feel they are very important in this discussion. I'll give you some words for your wife, but I need to know the answer to my questions first.

[StBreton]

Rok ...I do not believe anyone is attempting to dimish your feelings on this matter ...just trying to get you to temper your outlook.

 

What to say to your wife?

 

Apologize for how you treated her. Tell her you love her. Talk about how hard it must have been to keep the things she divulged a secret because of her embarrassment. Tell her you do not judge her for her actions at 14 and you believe in her and your marriage and that from this moment going forward you expect full honesty. Tell her you are hurt and that you need time to process the entire thing. Forgive her fully and tell her you will never bring this up again and do just that.

[rok]

I think if you found out some things that she did while you were married, then you have a legitimate problem. I am of the mind that what happened in her life before she married you is none of your concern, so you shouldn't make it a concern.

 

Now I can see the issue here is trust. Has she done things during your marriage that would cause you not to trust her? Is this the first time you are questioning that trust in her? Because if this is the case, then I really feel you just need to let it go. What she did as a 14yr old little girl doesn't define her as a woman. You have defined her as a great and loving wife. I mean, if everything in your M is fine, and this truth about her past is the only issue, then I say drop it. Get some individual counseling if you need help to overcome this.

 

I agree that if it happened prior to our relationship, any type of past is a package deal and has to be accepted. As far as trust in our relationship - the reason I have always found it to be so important, is that it has not yet to this point felt reasonable to fully give as there have been issues during our marriage that do even come close to abiding by the rules of normal, common sense, day to day experience that have occurred too many times. So yes, I've always fought with the uncontrollable suspicions, though mind you, they may not be unfounded, so instead I tried to bury them as deep as possible while, I suppose I reasoned, we have an agreement to always tell each other everything. So with those contingencies I was able to move forward in our marriage, and allow trust to be given because of the comfort and confidence I gained by our mutual understanding of full disclosure regardless. Why did I question her while she was drunk? Because I was drunk too, combined with her unprovoked mention of an ex, and my own personal trust issues with her that stem from the beginning issues of the relationship and have never been able to justify to fully remove all doubts. That is why this is so significant for me. I'm being told, its your fault for asking and what not, but I respond to that by saying : No, this recent discovery shakes the very foundation of our marriage. Now then, I should note - divorce is not an option, not due to religious beliefs, but my commitment to her, my vows, and I know that I truly love her, and I mean that in every respect possible, but that doesn't necessitate that trust issues not occur. I'm wanting to know, having said that, appropriate responses and how to move forward, and if this is a moment where we see OK, this is serious, can't happen again or what?

[TX-SC]

The deception is indeed a big problem. It's one thing to say the past is the past, and if both parties agree, then go for it. But she has apparently been lying to you this whole time. That is obviously a big problem. But, she may have only lied because she was ashamed. It would concern me that there have been some shady activities after marriage, given that she isn't afraid to lie to you. The DP thing sounds downright creepy. The FB thing sounds really fishy.

 

Man you guys need to have a sober, face to face talk and everything needs to come out. Everything she said while drunk, every shady deal, every concern. Do it tonight. Don't wait. If you wait, she might lead you to think you mis-heard her. Do it while the memories are fresh. DO NOT BACKDOWN! Demand full disclosure. Forgove her for lying about the past, but make damn sure she hasn't been cheating.

[William]

Thread reopened after some clean-up with the reminder that all have the right to respond and all viewpoints are welcome on Loveshack so long as they are posted respectfully and within our guidelines. ~Thank you

Edited October 18, 2015 by William

[Spectre]

I'm on the fence. I can understand why some are saying it shouldn't be a huge deal. However, the guy acts like honesty was a big theme in the relationship. If so yes I can see being crushed by being lied to, especially if the lie is about another dude.

[autumnnight]

The deception is indeed a big problem. It's one thing to say the past is the past, and if both parties agree, then go for it. But she has apparently been lying to you this whole time. That is obviously a big problem. But, she may have only lied because she was ashamed. It would concern me that there have been some shady activities after marriage, given that she isn't afraid to lie to you. The DP thing sounds downright creepy. The FB thing sounds really fishy.

 

Man you guys need to have a sober, face to face talk and everything needs to come out. Everything she said while drunk, every shady deal, every concern. Do it tonight. Don't wait. If you wait, she might lead you to think you mis-heard her. Do it while the memories are fresh. DO NOT BACKDOWN! Demand full disclosure. Forgove her for lying about the past, but make damn sure she hasn't been cheating.

 

Why on earth does lying about something that happened basically right after puberty mean she has cheated???????

[BetrayedH]

I'd suggest you tell us more about the "shady" stuff that's happened during your marriage.

 

If you dismissed serious red flags over the course of your marriage because of your trust in her honesty, then I can personally understand that 10 years of lying would bring those red flags back to forefront.

 

Please list the incidents with as much relevant detail as you can recall.

 

If you think it's possible that there's anything going on now, we can help you learn how to investigate.

 

As another poster mentioned, I am also somewhat on the fence with this. If your wife just failed to give you some details about being felt up at 14, I'd think that could be forgiven. Hell, she was a child for most of those 10 years. But if she's got a pattern of sketchy crap, you might just be seeing the tip of the iceberg.

 

By the way, I don't think she made up these stories. If anything, I suspect they were a true but minimized version. Even while drunk, I'd think you got a downplayed version.

[autumnnight]

I am really sorry you have suffered a heart break and that your wife is not who you thought she was. It is a terrible thing to be disappointed in people.

 

Save yourself time and energy...go see a lawyer now...because she can never be the person you thought she was.

 

You know....on second thought, considering how these things always go and how you will feel in a few pages....just file for divorce.

 

It'll save you both grief.

[TX-SC]

Why on earth does lying about something that happened basically right after puberty mean she has cheated???????

 

It certainly doesn't. He said she has been shady about some things and had some concerns.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Ah, so you bury your problems. Your words not mine. I only ask questions to gain a better understanding of everything because from your OP the story just didnt add up for me. So you have had unfounded suspicions, and instead of addressing your issues you chose to hide them from your wife. You probably chose to bury your feelings because of your love for her, and didnt want to cause her pain. Only now you are upset that she has been doing the same thing to you, and you happened to find out about it. Could it be that she was keeping this from you to keep you from pain? You might both be guilty of not being fully truthful with one another, in hopes of not hurting one another with something that has ZERO definition on your relationship. You know you love her, sounds like she cares and loves you deeply as well. It shows in your post about how bad she felt for hurting you.

 

You gotta get over this man, for your own good. If you just gotta say something, then do it. But chose your words wisely. She never wanted to hurt you. So keep her intentions at the front of your mind always. I dont believe anything she said or did was with any malicious intent. She loves you, it is clear you love her deeply. Keep this in the front of your mind if you just have to adress this.

 

I dont like to tell others what to say but here is some advice. Tell her how you fee,l not how she is a liar. Tell her you feel vulnerable and are unsure about her actions. Tell her you are guilty of the same things. You are guilty of not being forward with your feelings. Then give her an example of this. She will see she is not being attacked, but rather you are making an attempt at showing you are too guilty of not being up front. Tell her you want to work on this, and that you are open to an even more honest dialogue. And that you will be working with her. She will be more likely to open up if you show you will be too.

 

GL

[anika99]

She was a mere child when she first lied to you. Then she just didn't know how to get out of the lie and in a way she was in a no win situation because at what point could she have come clean over the last 10 years and not have the truth damage the relationship and your trust in her? Would it have been better if she told you 5yrs ago? 8yrs ago? It seems to me that she was in a losing game the moment she told the lie because no matter when she came clean it was going to cause a huge problem. She probably felt trapped by a stupid lie she told years ago before she was adult. Hell, I told lots of lies to lots of people when I was a stupid immature messed up teenager. My blessing is that I didn't have to keep covering up because I didn't end up married to someone I had lied to when I was a still a freaking kid.

 

I get why you are hurt and concerned about honesty but I also get why your wife continued to hide the truth. You were 14 when you met her and have been together for 10 yrs correct? So that would make her only about 24 yrs old now I'm assuming. According to recent studies the brain doesn't actually reach adulthood until the age of 25. I'm all for honesty but I really think you should cut her some slack her. What she did was minor. She was a kid and she let some boys play with her boobies. She lied about it and then didn't know how to come clean. This is not earth shattering, she's not a bad person, I don't even think she's untrustworthy. I think she had some traumatic events as a child and that she needs some professional help to deal with any shame she may be feeling.