Wife was drunk and revealed dark secrets.Paralyzed by shock.Heart hurts bad

[Grumpybutfun]

She didn't lie....she just omitted stuff that is none of your business. You don't own her and her worth isn't based on sexual purity. Your weird obsession with her purity is why she didn't tell you all of this sober...she wanted to please you so she was a virgin (sexual assault never counts against that) and no one saw her completely naked. Perhaps if you weren't making her value about other men she would have told you stuff. No short skirt in the world makes it ok to stick your hand up someone's skirt. Educate yourself on rape culture....geez. If you see red flags, discuss those in the context of what she did...and stop drinking alcohol...it is compounding your insecurities. Get in marriage counseling and start being honest with her about your manipulations while she is drunk.

Time to grow up and let go of your fairytale bs, this marriage is toxic,

Grumps

[MJJean]

I'd suggest you tell us more about the "shady" stuff that's happened during your marriage.

 

If you dismissed serious red flags over the course of your marriage because of your trust in her honesty, then I can personally understand that 10 years of lying would bring those red flags back to forefront.

 

Please list the incidents with as much relevant detail as you can recall.

 

If you think it's possible that there's anything going on now, we can help you learn how to investigate.

 

As another poster mentioned, I am also somewhat on the fence with this. If your wife just failed to give you some details about being felt up at 14, I'd think that could be forgiven. Hell, she was a child for most of those 10 years. But if she's got a pattern of sketchy crap, you might just be seeing the tip of the iceberg.

 

By the way, I don't think she made up these stories. If anything, I suspect they were a true but minimized version. Even while drunk, I'd think you got a downplayed version.

 

THIS.

 

However, I want to add something. Victims of molestation often go through periods of time where they feel worthless and do self destructive things. Adolescence is hard enough without adding that burden. When she did the MFM heavy petting thing, she may have been in a very low place and not thinking clearly. After cycling out of it, she would have felt shame. And she certainly wouldn't want you to find out because she loves you and is afraid of what you will think of her.

 

You made a big deal out of being each others first intimacy. Just because she may have let a couple dudes touch her body doesn't mean she was sharing intimacy.

 

I'd had a number of sexual partners before my DH, but I was never intimate with any of them. It was just casual sex, no feelings, no vulnerability, no awe and wonder. Just bodies touching and creating physical sensation that doesn't have much depth at all. With my DH, because of how I feel for him and he for me, it is intimate. It's rich and deep and touches all of me body, mind, and soul. There is a difference between sexual contact and intimacy.

[m.snow]

My Best Advice, Go see a counselor. of if you are a religious man go see a priest or a pastor.

part of the foundation was soggy, but you can fix that. it'd be a waste to let go of a beautiful mansion.

 

That part when she was 14 years-old may be a lie.

but the 10 years of waking up next you in bed wasn't.

[bathtub-row]

The problem is, most people are not honest and usually that has to do with protecting the person they're lying to, protecting themselves, or both. I'm not saying that expecting total honesty is wrong, but I think it's naive. It's doubtful that you'll ever get that 100%. I'm sure you feel that you have been completely honest but I'm sure there have been times when you haven't been.

 

The first thing that I find pretty glaring is the lie that you tell yourself about her virginity. I'm curious about how you say that it was you who took her virginity when she had been molested at a young age. Tragically for her, someone else took her virginity, against her will. I'm not being sarcastic here, but I think this level of kidding yourself is spilling over into an unrealistic view you have of your marriage and of your wife.

 

My guess is that your wife senses this need of yours; that she fit your image of purity. But I'm also guessing that she doesn't feel pure at all because being raped at a young age has long, long lasting effects. Mainly the worst effect it has on a person is their self-worth, and they typically seek the attention of men because of this. You would think it would have the opposite effect but it doesn't. It's incredibly sad and a very difficult thing for a woman to get past.

 

People who get involved with each other at a very young age are, in my opinion, at high risk of not lasting. The reason for this is multi-layered. First of all, you never got to explore life, nor explore yourself because you both locked yourselves into a relationship right away. It can have the effect of stunting your growth in an emotional sense. Also, people change a great deal from the age of 14 to 24 and, lots of times, those people grow apart. One person often feels held back by the other.

 

Here's the key to making it last - you must recognize that she is not the same person that she was when she was 14. If she lied to you back then, that was a child speaking, that was a child seeking and trying to keep your love in the best way she knew how. If you could keep that in mind, you might understand why she wasn't forthcoming, and why she never corrected the deceit. She may appear to be the same person on the outside but, on the inside, she has changed. And so have you.

 

Because this whole thing bothers you so much, you're going to need to talk to her about it. However, you should remain aware of the idea that she may be genuinely regretful that she got tied down to you so soon in life, even if she loves you very much. What you may think is a great life, may be her feeling trapped and unfulfilled.

 

Most of all, I think the only thing you really need to concern yourself with is if she has ever cheated on you while you were together. If she did, then you'll need to decide what you're going to do about that.

Edited October 18, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Popsicle]

I'm going to blame it on naivete that you think a woman who is a lush is pure and innocent.

[anika99]

I'm going to blame it on naivete that you think a woman who is a lush is pure and innocent.

 

The OP has already said that he and his wife rarely drink. Getting loaded once in blue moon does not make her a lush or impure.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also, she had told me not only was I the first person she’s been intimate with, but also the only person who has seen her naked, made out with, or essentially been allowed to fool around with her in any capacity. She is also my first love, and I lost my virginity to her.

 

You seem to be choosing your words carefully. Other than intercourse, have you had any sexual involvement with other women?

 

Mr. Lucky

[StBreton]

Why is this filed under infidelity?

 

The OP is obsessing about things his wife did when she was 14 ...that's all I can come up with. He seems to have left the thread. Hopefully he's calmed down and things work out with he and his wife.

[m.snow]

The OP is obsessing about things his wife did when she was 14 ...that's all I can come up with. He seems to have left the thread. Hopefully he's calmed down and things work out with he and his wife.

 

obsessing not quite... that's a bit rude.

for it to be an obsession it need to be constant.

 

this has been only within 24 hrs, i believe.

 

dude if your reading this you are not obsessing, it is normal for people to feel hurt for being lied to.

now it certainly would be weird for someone to just ignore events like this.

 

lying hurts people... I believe that your reaction is normal.

specially if those actions go against your moral belief's.

I believe you are a principled man, and come to respect that.

 

speak to your counselor or pastor. its best to open up.

 

It is important to speak to a Counselor to receive Professional guidance. please do so.

Edited October 18, 2015 by m.snow

[StBreton]

obsessing not quite... that's a bit rude.

for it to be an obsession it need to be constant.

 

this has been only within 24 hrs, i believe.

 

dude if your reading this you are not obsessing, it is normal for people to feel hurt for being lied to.

now it certainly would be weird for someone to just ignore events like this.

 

lying hurts people... I believe that your reaction is normal.

specially if those actions go against your moral belief's.

I believe you are a principled man, and come to respect that.

 

speak to your counselor or pastor. its best to open up.

 

It is important to speak to a Counselor to receive Professional guidance. please do so.

 

I answered the question that was asked re: infidelity. I stand firm in my observation. I also responded with words of assistance to OP earlier in thread. You are entitled to your opinion but adhere to posting rules.

[mrs rubble]

Lots of great responses here! I hope they've helped you Rok.

 

Seek counselling both of you if you want to save your marriage.

[TaraMaiden2]

I understand Moderation intervention but I really was attempting to support the OP by bringing the situation to the present rather than permitting his emotions to be completely clouded by the past.

 

All things in consideration, emotions run high in such circumstances;

There is some suggestion (it's a somewhat disjointed thread, because much of what was put forward in discussion has now disappeared) that the OP was approached about his own role within the marriage, and that there was no concrete or unambiguous response. So we are unaware of the marriage's progress, itself....

 

So:

If the OP can look at his own behaviour and attitude in the marriage and declare it completely faultless (I recognise this may well be the case) and work with his wife through the issues he now feels prohibit his return to a peace of mind, by suggesting and attending Counselling (either alone, or with her - or even both) then a resolution may be reached.

 

That is all.

 

I'm out.

[RoseWater]

I don't quite understand the several threads we have had lately about what the wife did before she got married....and then the husband finds out and now the whole world is Topsy turvy.

 

I was a virgin when i met my husband and except for being molested by three family members had no sexual experience at all. My husband has NEVER asked me details about my past...NEVER and we have been married 43 years.

 

I know he was not a virgin when i met him....and i really don't care what happened before i met him.

 

If your wife has been a good wife...if you love her.... and she loves you....i do not see why these details should make a difference in how you feel about her now.

 

We all have things about our past we just rather not talk about. Don't make this a huge big deal.....

 

If however...the information she disclosed is more than you can bear....and you cannot get over it...then divorce her.

 

It's called the patriarchy. It frowns upon women being sexual beings.

[merrmeade]

Sounds like, it’s not only the issue about honesty for you, but suspicions about other things during the marriage have been dredged up. Problem is the shock of this new information is making your report disjointed and confusing.

 

Also sounds like you are now giving yourself permission to dig up the suspicious, "shady ****" that happened during your marriage and you simply buried away. There are lots of things you need to clarify for yourself and for us to help you — not only what those incidents entailed but also how you both handled them. What actually happened (what did you actually know)? Did you talk to her about it? If so, what did she say?

 

And what is this: “… especially in the beginning – I would be mad, maybe even beat up someone who “put his hand up her skirt”, she would tell me her side, cry, apologize, and I’d forgive her.” ?

 

I agree with others that you cannot count the actions of teenagers at 14 or 15. You’re not only obsessing over them, you seem to be viewing them from the perspective of a 15-year-old. The hand up the skirt incident, however, is concerning if the crying, apologizing, forgiving has been a pattern.

 

How old are you both now? When did you actually marry?

 

To get to the bottom of your suspicions, you’re going to have to examine each one with a clear mind to dismiss them once and for all, "such as one of her co-workers and other guys having put on her facebook wall either sexual/romantic/love themed posts."

[TaraMaiden2]

It's called the patriarchy. It frowns upon women being sexual beings.

 

It also goes to explain why women lie. Because they are made to feel ashamed for something they did which essentially, has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the current partner.

 

Sorry.

I said I was done.

But as most will know, the kinds of dual standards exposed in threads of that kind, do not sit well with me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know that I am a tainted woman....I know that i am an adulteress..(I was called an adulterer...but I am the FEMALE homo Sapiens species)...I know that I have a genetic trait that caused me to be a selfish horrible woman.

 

But here are some things i have done right....I graduated cum laude...I raised two absolutely amazing damn near perfect children who went on to bear 6 amazing damn near perfect grandchildren. I have run my own successful business for 32 years.....We live DEBT free. and here's the big one.....I have been married 43 years to the man i married when i was 17 years old.

 

I don't have a degree in counseling.....but i do know a little bit about relationships. I have not lived a perfect life....but i have lived a good one.

 

Young people do things that as older people they wish they had not done....and they don't tell....it isn't because they want to be deceitful....it isn't because they are bad....it is because they are embarrassed and they know that nothing good can come from telling it.

 

I do not know all the details of my husbands life before i met him....I don't want to know his little secrets....but if he were to tell me details now 43 years into this marriage....it would not matter. It does not change who he is.

 

I would not be heartbroken or disillusioned that HE HAD NOT BEEN HONEST.

 

This man THOUGHT he knew everything about his wife....but he doesn't....and he never will. There are things about our spouse...actions, thoughts....secrets...that will forever remain just that...secrets.

 

I believe we are obligated to be transparent to our spouse....but things about our past...stupid immature things we did before we married our spouse...should not now destroy our relationship....

 

I reiterate....if finding out dirty little secrets has changed the way you think of your spouse...if you cannot look into her eyes and see the same woman you have seen the past 10 years...and know that she is that same girl you fell in love with despite the things you now know...then divorce her. But know that you are divorcing her because of YOU and not because of what she did at 14. It is YOU that has moved...not her. She is the same.

 

When I committed adultery...It was ME that moved...I changed from the woman John married.

 

Do you see the difference? Your wife made mistakes....we all make mistakes. But her mistake is in her past....prior to you.

 

She was 10 years ago who she is now. If the knowledge you now have is a deal breaker....if you have lost respect for her....then divorce her. Not for her...for you. It was said that because i am a woman i am coming to her defense and saying divorce the poor woman. that is absolutely not true. She is not here...I am concentrating on YOU. I am not feeling sorry for her...my heart breaks for you....because YOU are the one suffering right now.

 

Ultimately...you must do what is best for you. I say this over and over. I am not you....I do not walk in your shoes...and whatever you decide to do for you is the RIGHT answer.

 

All I can do is encourage you to make the best decision for you.

[TaraMaiden2]

^^ I wholeheartedly second the motion. ^^

[autumnnight]

I know that I have a genetic trait that caused me to be a selfish horrible woman.

 

Whoever told you this is incorrect. I do not care who they are. They are wrong, and I suspect they told you that with nefarious intent. There IS NO cheating gene, and anyone who would tell you that there is needs help.

[CarrieT]

OP, at 14 years of age, your wife that you have now was a CHILD when these things happened to her.

 

She did not have an adult brain to know what she was doing. Her lies were based on a child's understanding of how adult relationships work.

 

It would be a shame if you based your future happiness with a loving wife by ending a marriage based on the actions of a child...

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Whoever told you this is incorrect. I do not care who they are. They are wrong, and I suspect they told you that with nefarious intent. There IS NO cheating gene, and anyone who would tell you that there is needs help.

 

Sounds like blame shifting to me. "My genes cause me to cheat, not my choices" type thing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sounds like blame shifting to me. "My genes cause me to cheat, not my choices" type thing.

 

Actually I was being sarcastic....and my first paragraph was in response to a post that was deleted by the moderators. I KNOW there is no infidelity gene.....but there are those here who do believe there is....

 

back to the matter at hand rather than my character.........

[autumnnight]

Actually I was being sarcastic....and my first paragraph was in response to a post that was deleted by the moderators. I KNOW there is no infidelity gene.....but there are those here who do believe there is....

 

back to the matter at hand rather than my character.........

 

 

Oops! I didn't see that post.

 

I thought that was strange...that's what I get for going to bed early. Forgive me for being protective.

 

The good thing to know, OP, is that your wife was not inherently programmed to lie from the womb, which is useful information to have.

 

Lying is NOT right. I assume she probably lied due to immaturity and embarrassment, and like most lies, once it's out there, you have to keep it going or own up. She probably justified in her mind that since she had on panties and never had intercourse it was technically okay.

 

I would guard against looking at your entire marriage through this 48 hour old lens.

[qubist]

I don't have a degree in counseling.....but i do know a little bit about relationships.

are you sure you don't have a degree in relationship? i really think you have a PHD in relationship from the best school in the world : your own experience. Mrs Adams you are full of wisdom when it comes to relationship.

Young people do things that as older people they wish they had not done....and they don't tell....it isn't because they want to be deceitful....it isn't because they are bad....it is because they are embarrassed and they know that nothing good can come from telling it.

yes especially at teenage, when I remember some the stuff I did when I was 14/15 I just can't stop laughing, she is embarrassed by it and hope it was erased from her memory. the problem is that he can't let go he is already insecure when you let insecurity control over you you find things to be upset about