Friend zone after two dates, getting mixed signals

[sdsu_me]

Hello all, this is my first post. This is also somewhat of a new thing for me since I don't typically date but, have decided to recently. Most often I met a girl, we liked each other and either hooked up or went long term. Dating is new in a sense.

 

I met a girl at school who I ended up REALLY liking. We are both mechanical engineering majors and are working in a team together in a design class. When we first met, I thought nothing of her other then that she was cute and I was stoked to get to know her. Never expected to date her because I am 28 (veteran) and she is 21. I typically wouldn't dare date a young girl in college still.

 

As we were working on our first project, I made sure to probe her with questions. She always elaborated and we always had great conversation. It was crazy how much we had in common and I wondered how at 21 she had developed so much taste and took in some much information. I started to get totally hooked so I would take any opportunity to talk to her and even made some up. At the end of our first project, I decided to ask her out and much to my surprise, she starts throwing hints on me the exact day I wanted to ask her out. "I am excited to have the next few weekends off!" and "I really just want to go out and have a drink!" So I happily obliged and we arranged for Sunday evening.

 

Sunday evening rolls around and she flakes on me last minute however, I do know she worked late Friday evening and she was attending a Women's church retreat which didn't end until late Sunday. No problem, I understand when someone is tired. She stated that she wanted to have energy when we hang out. We ended rescheduling for Tuesday or Wednesday pending how tired she was and Tuesday night and if she was willing to ditch a Church function Wednesday night. She flaked again Tuesday because she was tired and then she bailed on her Wednesday night Church gig to meet up with me. I was stoked. I was however we concerned we would have issues relating do to our age difference but, I had totally misjudged her.

 

We met up for a drink and immediately the conversation got rolling. She laid her life story out on me and it became clear how she had developed so much for a young girl. Some key points:

 

1.) Her brother got addicted to meth when she was about 16 and as a result she got cast aside a bit. As a result she slept around a lot and caused some broken relationships, to which she feels very bad about to this day.

 

2.) Despite her appetite for sex and what seemed to be older men most often, she managed to finish top 5 in her class. No surprise there...she is insanely smart.

 

3.) Was raped around age 16-17 during a drunken episode.

 

4.) Ended in an abusive relationship that ended over a year ago.

 

Needless to say, she is ****ed up. She is working on things however she said she still feels like **** some days and apparently God has plan for her and she on the cusp of recovery. I am not a religious person but, I wouldn't overlook anyone because they are.

 

Whatever, I am pretty ****ed up too but, I don't let it get to me anymore. We both actually have similar issues as far as anxiety and stress goes so, we found common ground on that as well. It's an alleviated issue for me however and she is still dealing with it.

 

After talking and having a few drinks we went to a haunted attraction and with the help of that, we walked out holding hands. Hand holding was somewhat awkward at first but, it eventually settled. Afterwards we went to another bar for a drink and talked some more.

 

At the end of the night I dropped her off at her house and we briefly made out. I told her that I thought she was pretty awesome and I liked her. Her being kind of messed up actually made us have a lot more in common! She sent me a text that night and said thank and that she had a great time.

 

A fair amount of texting takes place after this and all is well. We had some great convos.

 

Date two takes place that Saturday. We meet up for a drink and talk. Everything is super smooth and we close the restaurant bar down at 11pm. We go for a walk on a LONG peir, comfortably holding hands and once we reach the end of the pier, we look out at the coast and talk. Some of the best convo's I have had in years. At a point I nudge her, look her in the eye and we start making out. We made out and talked and made out some more until about 1am. She wasn't even supposed to stay out that late because she had church in the AM but time just flew by. While we are waiting for an Uber, she leans her on my shoulder and I can feel the barriers coming down. She states that 'She feels like she's in high school again.' Later I had to clarify that was a good thing lol. She felt hope for the future yet careless. I drop her off and the next week rolls on.

 

After we left class on Monday, I tried find an opportunity to kiss her but we had a group member tagging along the walk. Later I sent her a text that I tried to sneak one in on her but, because someone else was there I couldn't and she agreed that it would have been awkward.

 

Wednesday night, she drops the hammer on me, via text. She says that we shouldn't start a relationship because she feels like God is calling her to do something, and she is in a really bad place right now. She also says she was feeling tempted to sin and she didn't want to do that because it led to an unhealthy relationship where someone would ultimately get hurt. She said she had no desire to persue me or anyone else right now. Ok wtf?

 

I asked her why she would go out with me for a second time knowing my intentions and she says that she is only human and was tempted. She says that I am a great guy and she likes me but, now isn't a good time for her. She wants to help people, put herself in a better position and persueing me right now wouldn't be good for that. I emailed her a sappy letter how I felt about her and how I valued the connection we made (so stupid) and she didn't waver.

 

So, I have since accepted being friends with her for now. I made it clear that I would try to rehash things in time and she is fine with that but makes no promises of any kind. She is also fine hanging out one on one still, even coming over for a movie and knowing full well that I have strong feelings for her.

 

Friday comes around and we are walking to the parking lot after class and she does it to me again...drops hints that she wants to hang out. Just for a quick beer after school this time but, if we are friends, just tell me lets go get a beer. Don't stand there all dumb, fumble around and drop hints and wait for me to ask you. I ask, like a retard.

 

As we are talking, she tells me that about two months ago, some dude broke her heart and she had to get over it, to which she did. NOW I get it. I was the guy who no matter how much she liked, she was breaking up with. She had to get even with the world. And I know she likes me by the way she kisses me. A girl that doesn't like you, doesn't struggle to open her eyes and nibbles on her lip while you pull away from a make out session.

 

After our beer, I let her know that I enjoyed it more then I thought I would and that for now I am backing off but, there will be a time when I revisit things. She says that fine but she just wanted to make sure I keep my heart guarded in case things don't work out.

 

So here is the plan...I get her over for a movie, make her dinner and try to rehash things, with clear boundaries in place. I do not want to permanently end up in the friend zone, so I need to take quick action. Or do I accept it for now and see how things go? She says she wants to get to know me as a friend and grow in that sort of relationship. Personally I think it's obvious she's still attracted to me though! We agree that things went way too fast. She has been celibate for over a year and thinks sex should wait until love comes first. I am fine with that but I also can tell she wants someone who knows what they are doing in the sack. She can sense that I am that dude and I can tell she is a high test girl by her past and some physical features. Perfect match there. I can also make her jealous with a weekend fling story or perhaps a story about doing something at church with another girl. Hmm...what do here?

Edited October 18, 2015 by sdsu_me

[sdsu_me]

Update...she invited me to have a drink with her again after class. Just casual conversation. Might be doing trivia night at the bar right next to my house tomorrow evening. Sure likes hanging out with me exclusively for someone she just canned and she is well aware that I have very strong feelings for her...

[theredpill]

Posted after your update, the advise still stands... no more talky talky...

 

 

Dude, you seriously need grow a pair, you blew this one. Stop talking to her outside of your class time and when she asks why, say I'm not into the friends thing, then, if she says lets go out on a date, kiss the woman and be a bit more dominant, she's turned you into her BFF.

 

 

This is easy for me to say, because I'm not completely caught up in your situation.

 

 

Good luck!

[sdsu_me]

Yea I have my ex girlfriend coming into town for the next few days so either way she getting blown off if she wants to do anything. She can't make trivia night due to work tonight but I'm sure she going to want to do something next week. If she doesn't break then, I'm walking. I have been friend zoned before but this is quite a bit different. My 'friends' don't kiss me like that and they don't want to be around me that often. They can also straight up ask me if I want to do something, not beat around the bush. Some of my female friends thinks she just testing me to see if I'll hang, which I'm sort of agreeing with. Especially being super Christian, that makes some sense. I know some of her other male friends too...they don't hang out outside of the church thing. I'll have to sort this out when my ex heads back home next weekend.

[sdsu_me]

Yea I have my ex girlfriend coming into town for the next few days so either way she getting blown off if she wants to do anything. She can't make trivia night due to work tonight but I'm sure she going to want to do something next week. If she doesn't break then, I'm walking. I have been friend zoned before but this is quite a bit different. My 'friends' don't kiss me like that and they don't want to be around me that often. They can also straight up ask me if I want to do something, not beat around the bush. Some of my female friends thinks she just testing me to see if I'll hang, which I'm sort of agreeing with. Especially being super Christian, that makes some sense. I know some of her other male friends too...they don't hang out outside of the church thing. I'll have to sort this out when my ex heads back home next weekend.

Update...we have been having beers after class in Wednesdays. She still doesn't straight up ask if I want to have a beer with her. She hints and waits for me to ask. We got kind of drunk together yesterday and talked for a a few hours. Got into the topic of sex, to which she reveiled more about her last relationship, which were rather sexually abusive. Definately starting to understand her more. She questioned me on my views about sex in a relationship which is a good sign. She's starting to open up and inquire about me a bit more which is pretty refreshing. Not me doing all the chasing. After we had drinks she dropped me off at my car and I hopped right out...didn't even think about kissing her. Cant decide whether that was a bad move or not. However, I knew she wanted to go the hockey game Friday night so I texted her later and ask if she wanted to go. She gave me a funny answer..."If you want to!" Hmm...it's a yes but a weird one. Hard to interpret because she is bad with words in these situations and she openly told me that from the get go. Reading this girl is going to kill me! Anyway, we are going to a hockey game tomorrow night and I got us some killer seats. She's a major LA Kings fan and we are going to see the farm team play. There will likely be some time spent at my apartment as well if I get my way. If we aren't kissing by the end of night I'm 100% done. Though, I do kinda get the feeling I could break her celibacy spell because I'm not an abusive person. I feel like that's one of the major issues here...she doesn't trust anyone anymore. I kind of feel like she's starting to trust me a bit more and at the same time she would have to retarded to hangout with me alone knowing full well how I feel about her. I'll report back...

[sdsu_me]

Man I must be dealing with a tough one! No insight other then walk away??? I just don't feel that's right...yet.

 

We went out Friday night first to a Hockey game and then to a bar that has lots of old school arcade games. We met at my house and had a beer first. She had the most make-up I had ever seen and she wore shoes, which is saying something for a girl who ALWAYS wears open toe foot wear. Good sign for me. We both drank quite a bit at the hockey game, though it was Bud Light and we are both used to much stronger craft beers, so it didn't do much damage. The game was fun though and we both got into it. Conversation was limited, which I think is good. We had fun, without being totally engaged in each other. She was definitely stoked after the game. Afterwards, we went to bar with tons of old school arcade games. We drank some more and I whooped her azz at Paperboy, Pac-Man and some off road game.

 

While taking a smoke break on the bar patio, we were talking and me being a bit drunk, pulled out some stops. I told her that I felt that she was a sexual person based on her personality and physical features, to which she smiled and completely agreed. From there we both spoke about our sexuality and what I have suspected is confirmed...she and I both are both very much the same in our sexual needs.

 

I also, rather blatantly, called her out for breaking things off with me, stating that she was full of ***** and the only reason she had to do that was because she wasn't interested enough and that I am OK with that if so. I was looking for a reason to walk away or focus my efforts on just getting laid. She exerted that that was not true at all. She does like me but, she simply has too many personal issues to be overcome before she enters a relationship. This is not what I wanted to hear...the answer that leaves me with a hard decision to make. But, I am beginning to really believe her and I will go back to that shortly.

 

After we decide we've drank enough, we head back to my apartment. We stopped at a taco shop and I grabbed a burrito. While we were waiting for my burrito, a stranger referred to us as a couple which, I denied but rolled right into a joke. I looked at her and stated that, "She thought I was too aggressive," and she chuckled and whole-heartedly agreed. So maybe we shouldn't have spent half of our second date making out, with our bodies pressed against each other.

 

We get back to my place and I give her some of my boxers and a t-shirt to sleep in. Wow she looked great in them. It was the look of victory, though I had not achieved it yet, nor would I. I sat her on the couch, gave her a blanket and put on a movie. She laid down and I sat next to her. I pulled her over to lay on my leg, which she was fine with. She asked what I was doing, in a coy manner and laid down. I had my arm draped over her but at this point I was hammered. It wasn't long before I said that I was going to bed and I could see she was fading. I invited her to sleep in my bed and told her I could keep my hands to myself and she said she was fine on the couch : ( I even offered to sleep on the couch, instead of her, if she didn't feel comfortable in bed with me. She was fine on the couch apparently.

 

Now, at this point I should be walking away but, I am dealing with a born again Christian girl, with some major trust and intimacy issues. I am understanding that she is going to need to be very comfortable or very drunk to sleep someone at this point. The former won't happen. Currently being celibate, I am not surprised she wouldn't get in bed with me though, knowing that I am a sexual person and having dated me, knowing that one more date certainly meant sex. I have had true female 'friends' and they don't have an issue sleeping in the same bed with me. There's just nothing there and unless we are completed trashed, nothing is going to happen.

 

Going back to her having lots of personal issues...today after school we had a few beers again and got into some things about her. First, her 'eating disorder' which she had been talking about is bulimia, which she revealed to me today. Second, she hasn't had just one but two bad relationships and they are the ONLY long term relationships she has had. She has yet to be with someone that didn't verbally or sexually abused her or where there wasn't infidelity. I can see her reluctance to get into a relationship again. And what else...oh she got picked on earlier in her high school years because she didn't care for her appearance and that lead her into turning into a slout when she realized that she was good looking. Oh yea, she said she has been feeling like a bad Christian lately. Yea, serious issues. We did get into a conversation about sex, marriage and past relationships. Everything went pretty good there but, she did talk a little bit about her future Christian husband lol. I can tell she doesn't truly believe that crap she is spouting because she wouldn't have even bothered dating me if that's what she really wanted and she was smirking when I called her on that bull*****.

 

At this point I don't know what to do with this girl. Despite the issues, I really do like her. I could tell her that I need to stay away from her and keep our relationship totally professional until the end of the semester when I can completely stop talking to her OR I could stick around and see what happens. I am feeling like she is testing me out a bit to see if I am legitimate about how I feel about her and that she genuinely has some things she needs time to deal with.

Edited November 4, 2015 by sdsu_me

[fiskadoro]

Get her off the pedestal, first of all. Don't let her use her Christianity as a weapon against you, and quit being so chivalrous! You guys are drinking, hanging out late talking about sex, and you are STILL not hitting it? She was lying on you in just a pair of YOUR boxers and a T-Shirt, and all you could think about was not defiling her lamb-like innocence?

 

I used to have situations like that in college, when I didn't have the huevos to make a move, or I thought the girl was good, or "not that kind of girl" etc. Then I found out someone else was hitting it. Is that what you want?

 

Can you back up off her for a bit, build your confidence back up by hooking up with some other girls (she need not know, no point in playing the silly "jealousy" game) and then waiting for her to come back? You don't even have to ignore her, just get really, really busy, you see....

 

I had the SAME situation in college with a girl who came to my room late one night, drunk and in a miniskirt, and invited me to spend the night in her dorm room. I was such a coward I just laid in bed with a woody all night, scared to man up and hit it. Needless to say she never invited me back over, but I heard a that a month later she brought home a jock and he hit it and left the same night. Apparently he didn't see her as the special snowflake I did :-)

 

Now, I would like to say that this only happened to me once, but no... three times! Girls I respected and honored, some other dude took them home from a kegger, or the bar, and blam! I would try my best to emulate what I thought a gentleman was, to ease into a relationship based on trust and mutual respect, rather than learn to be seductive and trust that I was as hot to her as she was to me. Ugghhhhh, I get embarrassed now just remembering it. don't do it to yourself!

 

Hit it, don't babysit it. Let that be your mantra

Edited November 6, 2015 by fiskadoro