singme2sleep Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Most of us who are dumpees have prob made the mistake of trying to convince our dumper not to end the relationship, or to change their mind after the fact. Now they say that one of the aspects of NC (even though it's used for us to heal) is that the dumper eventually wonders why we stopped reaching out. But is that true? Do they get curious when we finally go silent or are they just relieved and assume that means we accept the breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
Seeker12 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I honestly believe its relief, relief that you as a dumpee will stop bugging them and making them feel guilty about leaving you, eventually itll be curiosity, but thatll just be for curiosities sake rather than anything deeper. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I honestly believe its relief, relief that you as a dumpee will stop bugging them and making them feel guilty about leaving you, eventually itll be curiosity, but thatll just be for curiosities sake rather than anything deeper. This. If they wonder, it's just out of curiosity. If you are the dumpee (I have been before) the best thing you can do is accept it and go away quietly. Just disappear. If they come back asking, it means absolutely nothing, unless they are begging and pleading along with that. If they aren't begging and pleading, it means nothing, they're just curious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 I agree. But for my ex especially I think after the relief subsides he will finally have to deal with the reality of my absence, and what he threw away. Link to post Share on other sites
louxor Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I think it all depends on the situation of the break up. If your ex left you with any feelings for you whatsoever, then yes, I'm sure they get curious, and this curiosity would again depend on the level of these feelings that may remain. If they left because your lives simply didn't match up at that time, but they still wanted to be friends because there was nothing wrong with your foundations, but you said no to this and went NC, then I'd be very confident in saying that they would be curious, and maybe even upset at the fact that you have completely cut yourself out of their life. If they left because your relationship was toxic in whatever way, then I'd say this curiosity after NC would be less present and more so replaced with feelings of freedom and happiness as they are now out of the said toxic relationship and no longer have to deal with it's BS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Yes, they dumped you for a good reason to them and to not hear from you any more is music to their ears. It's too bad us dumpees can't take a hint, a very big hint at that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Great question, OP. I actually asked my ex this question after we got back together (he came back, begging). He was the dumper, and I went NC after a few attempts at begging failed and left me extremely embarrassed. He told me that at first, he was very relieved. He felt like he was finally free. This lasted a few days, after which he started missing me and questioning his decision, regretting it, etc. Assuming he was telling me the truth, of course.. He did break up with me a second time, so I am not sure if he was exaggerating the extent of his "suffering" as a result of my "absence" if he could imagine himself breaking up with me again................ but yeah for what it's worth, that's what he told me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I can only speak for myself, but when I was the dumper I ended the relationships for valid reasons and I didn't want to be their girlfriend anymore.so when they stopped reaching out, it was more of a relief than anything else. The relationships were over and I did not find myself wondering where they went. I only hoped they were doing well and moving on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GrandRail Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 It depends on how invested the dumper was when they dumped the dumpee I think. For instance, if the dumper initiated the break up because of strong doubts about the relationship but was still unsure of their decision or had strong feelings for the dumpee, sudden radio silence may upset them because they cared about keeping that person in their life in some way. On the other hand, if the dumper had already checked out the relationship or had someone else in mind, the cessation of contact may just be perceived as a relief since they think both sides have moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 As others have said, it depends. If you genuinely liked the person but not necessarily in a romantic way, and they just vanish, that disappearance can be a little sad albeit understandable. On the other hand, if you were done with the relationship and they just didn't get it, to the point where you had to threaten to block them, then it's definitely a relief to not hear from them anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I agree. But for my ex especially I think after the relief subsides he will finally have to deal with the reality of my absence, and what he threw away. Yes he may well. But I think there's also an element of wishful-thinking there. "You wait until s/he realises what s/he's thrown away! That will teach 'em!" I hate to tell you this, but most dumpers don't have that kind of regret, because mostly they'll be too busy justifying their own actions, and putting themselves in the right. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BonerFide Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 It depends on how invested the dumper was when they dumped the dumpee I think. For instance, if the dumper initiated the break up because of strong doubts about the relationship but was still unsure of their decision or had strong feelings for the dumpee, sudden radio silence may upset them because they cared about keeping that person in their life in some way. On the other hand, if the dumper had already checked out the relationship or had someone else in mind, the cessation of contact may just be perceived as a relief since they think both sides have moved on. I feel like this is an incredibly accurate response. Having been someone who dumped a guy after I'd already checked out emotionally, I didn't care to hear from him at all, and I think if he'd tried to message me I would've just blocked him. The begging he did when I was breaking up with him really repulsed me. However, I think if you care strongly for the person and broke up with them because of a desire to be single or just because things weren't working out, with the same level of feelings in tact, NC could cause them to have regretful/upset feelings for a while. If it's not enough to come back with their heart on their sleeve and ask for you back, though, it might as well be nothing at all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
erikah18 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Well, I think it all depends on how it all went down, the personality of the dumper and how and why they left you. Men tend to later down the road feel bad about leaving the women later on down the road. (Depending how fast NC has been established) but most of the times the more you beg and plead the farther your pushing the dumper away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 Everyone please don't jump all over me for saying this, but I know deep down that my ex still loves me and doesn't want me out of his life. He's just very depressed/confused. I also think he's bipolar and cycling. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Everyone please don't jump all over me for saying this, but I know deep down that my ex still loves me and doesn't want me out of his life. That's his problem. He broke up with you. You honestly should leave him to face his consequences on his own. As an ex- you have no obligation, and any feelings of sympathy and concern, while commendable, are not appropriate to maintain a connection. He dumped you. It's over. He can thinks what he likes, but your heart is keeping you connected to something your mind refuses to consider. A "broken" being who needs to stand on his own two feet. He's just very depressed/confused. I also think he's bipolar and cycling. You're not his nurse, doctor, psychiatrist, analyst, therapist or cure-all. You're his ex. You can't fix him. Only HE can fix him. He has these psychological problems? There are professionally-qualified, experienced people who are paid to deal with those situations. What you think he is, is of no consequence. You're out of the picture, by virtue of the fact that he rubbed out. Photoshopped. Airbrushed. Deleted. YOU. What you are - clinging, heartbroken, partially 'damaged' by the experience - is what you should be focusing on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 For this dumper, when it's over, it's over. No regret, no wondering, no looking backwards. Life's too short, and there's too many people out there. That goes for both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 For this dumper, when it's over, it's over. No regret, no wondering, no looking backwards. Life's too short, and there's too many people out there. That goes for both of you. You're a dumper? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 You're a dumper? A lot of us are. And have been dumped too. It's not a blade that swings exclusively in one direction, per person.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 That's his problem. He broke up with you. You honestly should leave him to face his consequences on his own. As an ex- you have no obligation, and any feelings of sympathy and concern, while commendable, are not appropriate to maintain a connection. He dumped you. It's over. He can thinks what he likes, but your heart is keeping you connected to something your mind refuses to consider. A "broken" being who needs to stand on his own two feet. You're not his nurse, doctor, psychiatrist, analyst, therapist or cure-all. You're his ex. You can't fix him. Only HE can fix him. He has these psychological problems? There are professionally-qualified, experienced people who are paid to deal with those situations. What you think he is, is of no consequence. You're out of the picture, by virtue of the fact that he rubbed out. Photoshopped. Airbrushed. Deleted. YOU. What you are - clinging, heartbroken, partially 'damaged' by the experience - is what you should be focusing on. I know only he can fix himself, I know. It's just so hard to let the relationship die. It's dead but I can't just stop caring about him. He has nobody. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I know only he can fix himself, I know. It's just so hard to let the relationship die. It's already dead. Don't carry a corpse around believing it's still breathing when in actual fact it's rotting and poisoning your progress.... It's dead but I can't just stop caring about him. He has nobody. I repeat: That is not your concern. All he has to do is to reach out to the people who can help him change his life. He may need direction, but the 'one foot in front of the other' is HIS job. Not yours. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 It's already dead. Don't carry a corpse around believing it's still breathing when in actual fact it's rotting and poisoning your progress.... I repeat: That is not your concern. All he has to do is to reach out to the people who can help him change his life. He may need direction, but the 'one foot in front of the other' is HIS job. Not yours. We were so in love before the depression came like a black cloud. I can't accept that's it's over FOREVER. I'm never going to love anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 We were so in love before the depression came like a black cloud. I can't accept that's it's over FOREVER. I'm never going to love anyone else. You don't have to accept it right now. It takes time to accept that it's completely over. For him, it is over. For you, it's still alive and causing you tremendous pain. One of the benefits of NC is that it forces you to accept that it's over (eventually). You speak in absolute, exaggerated terms, which is understandable because the pain is fresh. Fresh heartbreak certainly does feel exaggerated when you look back on it. But just know that many of us have been through this same pain and had these same thoughts, and we made it to the other side eventually. Focus on that. When I felt that I could never get over my ex and love again, I used to remember all the good people of LS and all the people in my real life who actually did what I thought was impossible. So I figured I could do it too one day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 It's dead but I can't just stop caring about him. He has nobody. I fell into this trap during my relationship and after the breakup. I realized that I wanted to be the savior to a guy who had a really sad backstory. I wanted to feel necessary to his healing because it validated my worth at the time. When he broke up with me, I still worried about him. He was a single dad and had no family around, so I worried about him and his son. After awhile, I realized that he had functioned fine before me and would be fine after me. I was the one who needed to practice self-care and address my needs. If I was so darn necessary to his life, why would he break up with me? The answer was that I wasn't at all necessary. He could live without me, and, in fact, he preferred to live without me. You are casting yourself in a role that he does not see you in. It is his responsibility to help himself. He has spoken and decided that he would rather go it alone. He CHOSE that. I think it would be beneficial to spend time trying to figure out why you feel the need to help him when he does not want the help. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 i've been in both situations and as the dumper i felt relief. your feelings for the person are fairly well gone and you've been over them for a while. it's like getting rid of a stalker, and not having to watch that they are in your neighborhood, emailing, calling, etc. it's always good when people move on with their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 (edited) You're a dumper?Many times over. I've been on both sides of the fence. Neither role is pleasant, but the dumper side is usually a lot easier than the other. And as for this: I'm never going to love anyone else. I don't even know you, but I'm willing to bet cash money you're wrong about that. Lots of it. Edited October 18, 2015 by mightycpa 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts