Are dumpers relieved when you stop making contact?

[singme2sleep]

Your first paragraph is very true. My ex blamed his loss of feelings on his anxiety and depression so when i left (because I was the only one who had the balls to) he gave all of the "I thought you were going to help me through this" guilt trip speech. Of course I felt guilty and of course I wanted to help him! And he too gave my mother the big confusion/lost speech. It's all BS and extremely selfish. He lost interest and wouldn't take responsibility simple as. He, along with other people out there, was the kind of person who wouldn't ever take responsibility for any problem in the rship, and would instead blame all of his insecurities and control issues on me. He knows deep down how much he hurt me, and yet still tried to blame everything on me. It's fine because I'm ok now and I'm the one with the clear conscience. But that sort of behaviour is destructive to relationships.

 

Well my ex doesn't want my help, no guilt trip. Just threw me out of his life and crushed my heart into a million pieces.

[singme2sleep]

I think you're totally missing the point, OP. The biggest step in making progress is self-awareness and it appears you're clearly not self-aware with your actions as Blanco pointed out. You have a pattern. You have to realize this and stop making the same mistakes otherwise you'll keep getting the same results.

 

Most of us are here to support one another on this site. No ones judging you. No one wants harm. I came to this site in the immediate aftermath of my breakup for guidance and help. This site along with others here helped me out tremendously. I heard a lot of things I didn't necessary want to hear because it hurt, it was a cold dose of reality. I could have taken those opinions as harsh, but I was very welcoming to other ppl's points of view, because this was the truth. I was sick of the same B.S. advice from my close friends. As time went bye, I found this site to be self detremintal because it always reminded me of my breakup, so I stopped coming as frequently. Although I come less frequently, I still come on, not so much for help any longer, but to give advice to others like yourself now.

 

That's not my point. This relationship was very different from any I was in before. I thought I loved in the past but nothing compared to this time. Nobody understands. I can't just un-love him. And if I can't, then I can't move on.

[KatZee]

It depends on the person I guess, but in general, dumpers feel relief, yes.

 

One relationship in which I was the dumper, my ex was rationalizing and saying a lot of the stuff you're saying. "I know you still love me, I know you still care, give me a chance to show you we're right for each other, let me prove to you I can change, let me make you happy." Blah blah blah.

 

In my eyes, every time he made contact, I was annoyed. Every time he reached out, I felt sorry for him. I didn't understand what he didn't get when I said, "I don't want to be with you anymore."

 

He was projecting his own feelings onto me. He was completely convinced I loved him, and cared. Reality? I didn't. I wanted to get so far away from him. I wasn't happy with him.

 

Every time my phone buzzed, or rang, I was crippled with anxiety because I knew it was him.

 

Do some dumpers regret their decisions? Sure. Is that what usually happens? No.

 

By the time a dumper gets to the point where it's over, and they're ending it, significant thought has been put into it. We've detached, we've grieved way before ending it. We've thought about the consequences, we know what we're doing.

 

Usually, the people who regret breaking up with the person they're with is when they pull a "knee-jerk break up" normally after a huge fight. They'll then cool off and realize what a mistake they made.

 

I know you think this was the ultimate love, but I guarantee you it's not. And I guarantee you will move on and I guarantee you will date again and fall in love again. It just sucks for right now.

 

But don't sit around hoping he's going to come back. You're going to really prevent yourself from healing and moving on, and I really doubt you want to be stuck in this black hole of misery.

[Zapbasket]

Your first paragraph is very true. My ex blamed his loss of feelings on his anxiety and depression so when i left (because I was the only one who had the balls to) he gave all of the "I thought you were going to help me through this" guilt trip speech. Of course I felt guilty and of course I wanted to help him! And he too gave my mother the big confusion/lost speech. It's all BS and extremely selfish. He lost interest and wouldn't take responsibility simple as. He, along with other people out there, was the kind of person who wouldn't ever take responsibility for any problem in the rship, and would instead blame all of his insecurities and control issues on me. He knows deep down how much he hurt me, and yet still tried to blame everything on me. It's fine because I'm ok now and I'm the one with the clear conscience. But that sort of behaviour is destructive to relationships.

 

Sounds like we have dated the same kinds of people.

 

But do you think all of it was a load of BS? I have asked myself that time and again. My most recent ex, for instance, was unhappy with where his life was when I met him, and isolated himself from other people, and then over the years we dated was totally apathetic and I attributed it all to things having to do with HIM, and not to me, or to our relationship. But then when towards the end of our relationship we both entered counseling, individually at first but with the same therapist as the intent was for us also to eventually do couples counseling with this therapist, he lasted a couple of months and then quit right after we broke up. But in his break-up email to me, he said he knew that "something" was "tripping him up" in his life, and he had to focus on figuring out what that was. Quitting therapy certainly seemed so contradictory to that aim that that was the first time I began to wonder whether the whole apathy thing he did throughout our whole relationship was just a way of avoiding responsibility for where the relationship went, and maybe also because he just wasn't into me.

 

Anyway, sorry to get off-subject, OP. Just to get a different opinion, I don't think 5 months should mean you shouldn't feel intensely when the relationship ends. It's not time but what the person or relationship triggers in you that determines how easy or difficult it will be to let go. Maybe ask yourself what it was about this person that sucked you in so deeply. It might reveal a lot about your inner desires and old hurts that could help you towards moving on.

[singme2sleep]

Anyway, sorry to get off-subject, OP. Just to get a different opinion, I don't think 5 months should mean you shouldn't feel intensely when the relationship ends. It's not time but what the person or relationship triggers in you that determines how easy or difficult it will be to let go. Maybe ask yourself what it was about this person that sucked you in so deeply. It might reveal a lot about your inner desires and old hurts that could help you towards moving on.

 

I saw something in him. It felt like for the first time somebody saw the real me also, we understood each other. I felt so alive and happy with him and he used to say he felt the same way. Maybe it was only 5 months but we were devoted to each other, immersed in each other's lives. I've never had that before, he was truly my partner in every sense of the word. My best friend.

[KatZee]

I saw something in him. It felt like for the first time somebody saw the real me also, we understood each other. I felt so alive and happy with him and he used to say he felt the same way. Maybe it was only 5 months but we were devoted to each other, immersed in each other's lives. I've never had that before, he was truly my partner in every sense of the word. My best friend.

 

You'll get over it.

 

Not saying this cold-heartedly. But you will.

 

"First" everything's are always the most intense. This was the first time you felt something like this. It's going to take time and effort to move on from it. But you'll grow, you'll gain more experience, you'll heal, you'll move on.

 

Dwelling is just counterproductive. Putting him on a pedestal will prevent you from ever healing. Appreciate the time you had with him, and push forward. It's the only way.

[singme2sleep]

You'll get over it.

 

Not saying this cold-heartedly. But you will.

 

"First" everything's are always the most intense. This was the first time you felt something like this. It's going to take time and effort to move on from it. But you'll grow, you'll gain more experience, you'll heal, you'll move on.

 

Dwelling is just counterproductive. Putting him on a pedestal will prevent you from ever healing. Appreciate the time you had with him, and push forward. It's the only way.

 

It's not that I have him on a pedestal necessarily. I know he isn't perfect, he has his flaws. But I loved the flaws, as it should be. Yet I still miss him. Despite how cold he was to me. Despite his mixed signals on the day we exchanged our stuff. I still miss him. And I'm not trying to dwell, I want to feel better. I just can't shake the feeling that he's the one for me. Hopefully in time I will feel differently.

[SammySammy]

I'm definitely relieved when an ex finally leaves me alone. That's the whole purpose of breaking up.

[singme2sleep]

I'm definitely relieved when an ex finally leaves me alone. That's the whole purpose of breaking up.

 

But in my case it's not a typical breakup scenario. We didn't breakup because of the typical reasons/him not loving me.

[SammySammy]

But in my case it's not a typical breakup scenario. We didn't breakup because of the typical reasons/him not loving me.

 

It doesn't matter. If we're broken up ... we're broken up. Leave me alone.

 

Exes are exes for a reason. I don't want them hanging around my life.

 

Just my opinion ....

[singme2sleep]

It doesn't matter. If we're broken up ... we're broken up. Leave me alone.

 

Exes are exes for a reason. I don't want them hanging around my life.

 

Just my opinion ....

 

And the love is gone?

[SammySammy]

And the love is gone?

 

I've loved people I couldn't be in a relationship with. Incompatible.

 

The last one ... I went No Contact eight years ago. Haven't seen or heard from her since. Thankfully ....

 

The "love" is irrelevant if we can't be together.

[singme2sleep]

I've loved people I couldn't be in a relationship with. Incompatible.

 

The last one ... I went No Contact eight years ago. Haven't seen or heard from her since. Thankfully ....

 

The "love" is irrelevant if we can't be together.

 

That's sad. All I want is somebody who loves me unconditionally and doesn't leave.

[BC1980]

That's sad. All I want is somebody who loves me unconditionally and doesn't leave.

 

The reality is that someone can leave at anytime, and we all have our conditions upon which we will leave a relationship. You want something that can never be 100% guaranteed, so, if you go into with that attitude, the impact when the person leaves will be very great.

[singme2sleep]

The reality is that someone can leave at anytime, and we all have our conditions upon which we will leave a relationship. You want something that can never be 100% guaranteed, so, if you go into with that attitude, the impact when the person leaves will be very great.

 

Clearly, because I'm living it now.

[BC1980]

Clearly, because I'm living it now.

 

I went through the same thing. It was so rough when my ex left me because I put all my trust in him. I had this idea that he would always be there, no matter what. I think that's too much to put on one person. You have to accept that people change, and their needs change. It's not that I particularly like the idea of people being transient in our lives, but that is the reality.

 

The truth is that every relationship you have will eventually end, either by someone dying or leaving the relationship. The really unfortunate thing is that we crave permanence and stability. That need seems to be hardwired into our DNA. I wish I had some better answers, but I don't.

[singme2sleep]

It still doesn't feel real. I still expect him to walk through the door. I miss his presence in my life, miss talking to him. He was the light.

[TaraMaiden2]

That's not my point. This relationship was very different from any I was in before. I thought I loved in the past but nothing compared to this time. Nobody understands. I can't just un-love him. And if I can't, then I can't move on.

 

Ah, more of that self-sabotaging, healing preventative, stuck-in-lovesickness negativity.

 

No it is, it's negativity.

It's "woe is me".

And it's crippling.

It's emotional suicide.

 

It's the "sleeping pill" that numbs your logic, and prevents you from thinking in a clear-headed, level-minded way.

 

So you loved him.

So you still love him.

well bully for you.

 

I still love my dad, but no amount of love, self-sacrifice, mourning, moping or 'woe-is-meness' will ever bring him back.

 

You can love him all you want.

It doesn't stop you from moving on, but you won't move on if you choose to NOT move on.

 

And from where we're sitting, you seem to be stubbornly insisting that moving on is impossible for you..

What do you want from us, exactly...?

[Blanco]

Please understand that no one is asking you to stop caring about this guy. I still care to some degree about all of my exes, but none of them are people I want to be romantically linked to anymore.

 

No one has suggested that it's an overnight process of going from love to indifference. The problem I see right now is that you are still clinging to hope. You will never move on, or you will significantly delay the recovery process, if you continue to hold on to hope that he will be back.

 

It took me more than two years to really get over one ex; the only ex I ever saw an actual future with. I can look back clearly now and realize that it took that long because I never let go of hope that we would get back together. Had I accepted it was over after we broke up, I probably would've been back to normal within a few months to a year. Instead, I carried around hope for more than two years. And let me tell you something: When you carry around hope for that long, it becomes more of a burden than anything else. In many ways, I paused my life and avoided pursuing certain things because of my hope. I'll never let myself do that again.

 

There is danger in you blaming his depression on the end of the relationship. By doing so, you aren't accepting that it's over. By doing so, you're convincing yourself that IF he tackles his issues, he will come back to you.

 

What I can tell you with some confidence is this: I don't think his depression is why he ended things. And I think by continuing to believe this, you are setting yourself up for even more heartache when, weeks or months down the road, you find out he's dating someone new.

 

Continue to care for him, but not at the expense of your own mental well-being.

[Bo34]

Please understand that no one is asking you to stop caring about this guy. I still care to some degree about all of my exes, but none of them are people I want to be romantically linked to anymore.

 

No one has suggested that it's an overnight process of going from love to indifference. The problem I see right now is that you are still clinging to hope. You will never move on, or you will significantly delay the recovery process, if you continue to hold on to hope that he will be back.

 

It took me more than two years to really get over one ex; the only ex I ever saw an actual future with. I can look back clearly now and realize that it took that long because I never let go of hope that we would get back together. Had I accepted it was over after we broke up, I probably would've been back to normal within a few months to a year. Instead, I carried around hope for more than two years. And let me tell you something: When you carry around hope for that long, it becomes more of a burden than anything else. In many ways, I paused my life and avoided pursuing certain things because of my hope. I'll never let myself do that again.

 

There is danger in you blaming his depression on the end of the relationship. By doing so, you aren't accepting that it's over. By doing so, you're convincing yourself that IF he tackles his issues, he will come back to you.

 

What I can tell you with some confidence is this: I don't think his depression is why he ended things. And I think by continuing to believe this, you are setting yourself up for even more heartache when, weeks or months down the road, you find out he's dating someone new.

 

Continue to care for him, but not at the expense of your own mental well-being.

 

Hey Blanco: I agree with everything you said. I'm sorry to veer a little off-topic, but from your experience, is it possible to move on while still remaining aware that there is a chance your ex can come back? I'm moving on with my life in trying to find someone else, someone better. This is my goal. I've had a few dates, but thus far with no success. However I am still of the belief that there is a chance that given the reason for our breakup she may contact me again in hopes of getting back. Again, I'm not holding breath over this, or stopping myself from meeting other girls or going on dates. Therefore, I wanted to know if you think this okay, or not?

[singme2sleep]

Please understand that no one is asking you to stop caring about this guy. I still care to some degree about all of my exes, but none of them are people I want to be romantically linked to anymore.

 

No one has suggested that it's an overnight process of going from love to indifference. The problem I see right now is that you are still clinging to hope. You will never move on, or you will significantly delay the recovery process, if you continue to hold on to hope that he will be back.

 

It took me more than two years to really get over one ex; the only ex I ever saw an actual future with. I can look back clearly now and realize that it took that long because I never let go of hope that we would get back together. Had I accepted it was over after we broke up, I probably would've been back to normal within a few months to a year. Instead, I carried around hope for more than two years. And let me tell you something: When you carry around hope for that long, it becomes more of a burden than anything else. In many ways, I paused my life and avoided pursuing certain things because of my hope. I'll never let myself do that again.

 

There is danger in you blaming his depression on the end of the relationship. By doing so, you aren't accepting that it's over. By doing so, you're convincing yourself that IF he tackles his issues, he will come back to you.

 

What I can tell you with some confidence is this: I don't think his depression is why he ended things. And I think by continuing to believe this, you are setting yourself up for even more heartache when, weeks or months down the road, you find out he's dating someone new.

 

Continue to care for him, but not at the expense of your own mental well-being.

 

How can you know that in months he'll be with somebody new? It was the depression, I saw it with my eyes and felt it. You don't know him, only what I've mentioned about him on here. What makes you think he will date someone else? I was an awesome girlfriend and gave him everything he wanted, everything. He doesn't need someone else. Please explain your thinking...

[jrode23]

How can you know that in months he'll be with somebody new? It was the depression, I saw it with my eyes and felt it. You don't know him, only what I've mentioned about him on here. What makes you think he will date someone else? I was an awesome girlfriend and gave him everything he wanted, everything. He doesn't need someone else. Please explain your thinking...

 

I feel as though you and I are in similar situations. My girlfriend left me out of nowhere and I was sure she was the one I was going to be spending my future with. Not just because I felt it, but because she had told me along the way. I am hurt, I am saddened, I've never felt this way before and I am also angry. I broke down numerous times a day for four days, but now, the past day and a half? I haven't. To some degree, I have accepted that it is over and she will probably never come back. I want her back, yes, but I also want to recover and not be in this state.

 

I think it's fine to hope he comes back. To quote my favorite movie, "Remember Red, hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

 

However, don't hang your hat on that hope. Hope that he comes back, but don't neglect yourself. Don't allow yourself to sulk for too long. Don't live every moment waiting for him to contact you. Try to do things you enjoy. Try to live your life. It's terribly hard, but you have to try.

 

Who knows, maybe if you better yourself and he sees it, he'll come back. Then you can decide if that's what you want and whether or not you want to take him back.

[Blanco]

Hey Blanco: I agree with everything you said. I'm sorry to veer a little off-topic, but from your experience, is it possible to move on while still remaining aware that there is a chance your ex can come back? I'm moving on with my life in trying to find someone else, someone better. This is my goal. I've had a few dates, but thus far with no success. However I am still of the belief that there is a chance that given the reason for our breakup she may contact me again in hopes of getting back. Again, I'm not holding breath over this, or stopping myself from meeting other girls or going on dates. Therefore, I wanted to know if you think this okay, or not?

 

I'm one of those people who thinks you should take time after a breakup to evaluate what happened, what your role in the breakup was, and how you're going to change what you can to avoid the same mistakes in the next relationship. Once you've done that, I think it's good to at least get out and meet new people. Don't go looking for a new partner; let it happen organically.

 

More to your question: I think it's possible to move on while not totally shutting the door on your ex, BUT, only if you're really willing to not let that hope sabotage a potential new relationship. If this hope is keeping you from building something with a new person, then no, it's not possible to move on while still holding onto hope.

 

Personally, I was not able to do this. I held onto hope for years, which kept me from even trying to date. It was only when my ex told me that in no uncertain terms that we wouldn't ever get back together that I finally let go. And it was oddly calming to do so. I'm sure I felt crappy for a couple days, but after that, I felt free. There was someone I was interested in at the time, and within a few weeks of me letting go of hope, she and I were dating. I can't attribute it all to letting go of hope for reconciliation with my ex, but I do know that I didn't let my former feelings for my ex at all influence my choices with the new girl.

[Meli22]

Sounds like we have dated the same kinds of people.

 

But do you think all of it was a load of BS? I have asked myself that time and again. My most recent ex, for instance, was unhappy with where his life was when I met him, and isolated himself from other people, and then over the years we dated was totally apathetic and I attributed it all to things having to do with HIM, and not to me, or to our relationship. But then when towards the end of our relationship we both entered counseling, individually at first but with the same therapist as the intent was for us also to eventually do couples counseling with this therapist, he lasted a couple of months and then quit right after we broke up. But in his break-up email to me, he said he knew that "something" was "tripping him up" in his life, and he had to focus on figuring out what that was. Quitting therapy certainly seemed so contradictory to that aim that that was the first time I began to wonder whether the whole apathy thing he did throughout our whole relationship was just a way of avoiding responsibility for where the relationship went, and maybe also because he just wasn't into me.

 

Anyway, sorry to get off-subject, OP. Just to get a different opinion, I don't think 5 months should mean you shouldn't feel intensely when the relationship ends. It's not time but what the person or relationship triggers in you that determines how easy or difficult it will be to let go. Maybe ask yourself what it was about this person that sucked you in so deeply. It might reveal a lot about your inner desires and old hurts that could help you towards moving on.

 

 

When I met my ex he was off work for 6 months with bad anxiety. He didn't seek help for it. Anyway, the anxiety calmed down and he returned to work. Throughout our rship he was paranoid a lot of the time. This led to controlling issues, possessiveness, jealousy and creating scenarios in his head about stuff I did when he wasn't around. I spent so much of my time trying to console him and reassure him that I only wanted him. When his loss of feelings came about, he was still if not more possessive as usual. First off he blamed the loss of feelings on his anxiety, then he blamed it on an after effect of anxiety (something I hadn't heard of) and then he would blame it on me. It was all very confusing and looking back, I do feel he simply lost interest but who knows . He told his sister who I was close with, that it was his anxiety that caused him to lose feelings for me. I had no sympathy in the end because he was toying with my emotions and swaying from one reason to another. Also, he sought no help for his anxiety.

 

Something was always "missing" for him and he said it wasn't me, it was all him. But then would blame me too. Go figure. So I don't honestly know if it was all BS. I do believe he had some issues of his own to figure out (don't we all sometimes?) but people need to recognise that themselves.

[singme2sleep]

More to your question: I think it's possible to move on while not totally shutting the door on your ex, BUT, only if you're really willing to not let that hope sabotage a potential new relationship. If this hope is keeping you from building something with a new person, then no, it's not possible to move on while still holding onto hope.

 

Why is it ok for this person to have a little hope but not for me?