Are dumpers relieved when you stop making contact?

[NoMoreJerks]

My ex, during this second break-up (third week now) deleted me off facebook immediately after going home after breaking up with me, and then blocked me as well. He has gone cold turkey on me. The breakup came a week after a small-ish fight, but we had talked through it and I thought we agreed that we'll give things time (for his friends to come around, because they were trying to sabotage our relationship) and see how it works out. He broke up with me a week later, and I was completely blindsided.He was bringing me cakes and saying I love yous, right until the day before.. and no fight took place the day before the breakup. I suspect that he talked to his friend (female) and she is very territorial about him, and she gave him an ultimatum. So he chose her instead of me. Anyway, it is odd that a dumper, who broke up because of his friends not accepting whom he loved, would go cold turkey and would be the one blocking. Which is why I conclude that he is trying to hurt me and play mind games. He wants me to suffer. Not sure why. Probably an ego thing, because I argued with him. He also created a dating profile (without his photo) and used a username that we made fun of (it's a word play). He also did not put the correct information about himself (that he has a son, etc.) on the website, but everything else is completely him and so is his location. It MUST be him. However, it made me wonder what the hell he was playing at. Is he trying to lie and get women to sleep with him? Or does he want me to find his profile ? (since last time, I told him that when he broke up with me, I signed up on that site). So if he wanted to go cold turkey on me, and doesn't want to contact me, why the hell is he doing that? He also did not reply to my email. Does this make any sense to anyone? Is this man playing mind games in order to make me suffer, as some sort of revenge thing? (not sure why, I guess because I fought with him after our reconciliation, because I wondered how long it was gonna last, his friends refusing to see me and him not inviting me to ANY of his social activities as a result). I guess he is sorta relieved I am not contacting him and maybe I am fooling myself into thinking that the profile is there just to piss me off. Maybe he is hooking up with women. But knowing him, I think he is doing it to get me to panic. And maybe to beg for him (because this time, I didn't beg, and anyway, I saw no point in doing so, because he seemed quite determined to end things). Why would someone who is so determined on breaking up, and on not responding to me, then do things like that? Also, he blocked me on facebook, but he has been checking out my website (I know his IP address). I find that weird, that he would block me on FB supposedly to move on? But then checks my website.... Which makes me wonder if the FB block is also a mind game, to hurt me. He knows I don't take rejection well, so the whole FB removal thing is kinda like oil on fire.

Edited October 31, 2015 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

Yeah Like I said in the other topic; Obviously I don't know for sure, the only thing I can tell you about is my own experience.

If a girl leaves someone out of the blue, without any real reason, there's a big chance there's someone else. Most girls want to be in a relationship.

Not true- i have dumped men without having anyone lined up. I actually just wasn't feeling it anymore, or they weren't making any effort, etc. I preferred to be single and alone, than to be in a constant state of frustration because they weren't satisfying my needs in terms of amount of contact, etc.

[Kehv]

Not true- i have dumped men without having anyone lined up. I actually just wasn't feeling it anymore, or they weren't making any effort, etc. I preferred to be single and alone, than to be in a constant state of frustration because they weren't satisfying my needs in terms of amount of contact, etc.

 

Whenever a woman leaves a man and everything was fine just days ago, then often there is someone else. In your case you probably showed him and explained him you were frustrated, right?

 

Anyways, same story goes for you:

Your ex decided to go date this other girl. He blocks you from FB because he doesn't want you to see the pictures he uploads in the future.

 

To be honest he sounds like a toxic person to be with, you don't want a partner who still wants to date around.

Anyways, you should act like you don't care. Don't let him know he may return whenever he wishes. Unless he's going to marry this person, a man will most likely return some day. Just don't let him make use of you because he will dump you again.

[itisdanielle]

I agree that I think it depends on the situation. I've heard from people that my ex (the dumper) struggled after the breakup, but he never reached out which I'm glad for as it would have really messed with my head.

 

One thing that does puzzle me though, that I keep reading on this forum is, 'as soon as you let go, the ex comes back' (particularly this thread which I did find helpful http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418763-if-you-ve-been-broken-up-broken-hearted-22.html )

Out of curiosity, not because I want my ex back, I really don't understand this? If you're doing NC properly, surely they have no idea whether you have moved on or not, for all they know, they have no idea whether you're wallowing at home or are out on dates?

[NoMoreJerks]

Whenever a woman leaves a man and everything was fine just days ago, then often there is someone else. In your case you probably showed him and explained him you were frustrated, right?

No, I didn't.

[Kehv]

I agree that I think it depends on the situation. I've heard from people that my ex (the dumper) struggled after the breakup, but he never reached out which I'm glad for as it would have really messed with my head.

 

One thing that does puzzle me though, that I keep reading on this forum is, 'as soon as you let go, the ex comes back' (particularly this thread which I did find helpful http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418763-if-you-ve-been-broken-up-broken-hearted-22.html )

Out of curiosity, not because I want my ex back, I really don't understand this? If you're doing NC properly, surely they have no idea whether you have moved on or not, for all they know, they have no idea whether you're wallowing at home or are out on dates?

 

Good question but I think I'm able to explain this to you.

 

I'm not really a spiritual person however some people think there's this 'energy' that surrounds us. I slowly starting to believe this myself aswell.

 

When your ex dumps you, he/she still holds on to your 'power'. You should regain that power by doing your own things and focusing on yourself, move on from this person.

 

When you get over your ex he/she might feel that they are losing that 'power'. They are not sure what's wrong but they want that power back, the power you have regained. That's when they contact you in most cases. I do think this only applies to partners who were in the attachment stage and had a bond together.

 

A few examples of my own experience:

When my ex secretly went on a date with some other guy I felt something was wrong. I did not have anything to worry about, yet I still knew something was wrong.

 

One of my most difficult days was when my ex had sex with this guy for the first time. I still felt terrible because of the breakup, at this point I knew she was seeing someone else but I didn't know if they had sex already. On this day I felt extremely bad and I knew something was going on. My ex later admitted she had sex with him.

 

When I had a date with a cute girl (well.. she flaked on me but ok) I felt great. At this point I didn't talk to my ex for weeks and right when I felt good she wanted to come over (didn't do it because I don't want to be her friend).

 

one other story:

My mate has a girlfriend (not married but living together). He cheated on her several times with this other girl. The first time he cheated on her, he came home and his girlfriend woke up and asked him if he cheated on her. It appeared she had a dream about that.

[itisdanielle]

Good question but I think I'm able to explain this to you.

 

I'm not really a spiritual person however some people think there's this 'energy' that surrounds us. I slowly starting to believe this myself aswell.

 

When your ex dumps you, he/she still holds on to your 'power'. You should regain that power by doing your own things and focusing on yourself, move on from this person.

 

When you get over your ex he/she might feel that they are losing that 'power'. They are not sure what's wrong but they want that power back, the power you have regained. That's when they contact you in most cases. I do think this only applies to partners who were in the attachment stage and had a bond together.

 

A few examples of my own experience:

When my ex secretly went on a date with some other guy I felt something was wrong. I did not have anything to worry about, yet I still knew something was wrong.

 

One of my most difficult days was when my ex had sex with this guy for the first time. I still felt terrible because of the breakup, at this point I knew she was seeing someone else but I didn't know if they had sex already. On this day I felt extremely bad and I knew something was going on. My ex later admitted she had sex with him.

 

When I had a date with a cute girl (well.. she flaked on me but ok) I felt great. At this point I didn't talk to my ex for weeks and right when I felt good she wanted to come over (didn't do it because I don't want to be her friend).

 

one other story:

My mate has a girlfriend (not married but living together). He cheated on her several times with this other girl. The first time he cheated on her, he came home and his girlfriend woke up and asked him if he cheated on her. It appeared she had a dream about that.

 

Thanks for the response.

 

I see what you mean about the energy thing. I definitely have felt this while I was in the relationship - after we broke up I found out he cheated and when it had happened. I remember on that day, even though I didn't know he had done it until weeks after, I sensed at the time that something was wrong. I remember saying to a friend 'I get the sense he's going to end things', even though he wasn't acting that differently. Which is crazy because I'm not the sort of person to believe in the whole 'energy' thing.

 

So I guess I understand it when you're IN the relationship, because even if they're acting the same you're still talking/seeing each other and can pick up on vibes. But when broken up and in no contact I just don't get it. I get that say you're a dumper, and the dumpee is constantly texting you and coming to see you then you KNOW that they are not moving on. But then when they stop making contact they may think 'oh they've stopped messaging...now they're over me'.

 

Your examples are really interesting though in how that worked. So when your ex went on a date with someone else, you were in complete NC? And you were the dumper?

[Kehv]

In the first example we were still together. I thought everything was fine untill one day she told me she would go out with friends. Sadly, she did not go out with friends but secretly went on a 'date' (i guess) with a colleague.

 

While I was sitting at home I just felt something was wrong, I couldn't put my finger on it. I trusted her 100%. After that date she found out the guy liked her obviously and 3 days later she dumped me after a 6year relationship. This happened 4 months ago.

 

 

I do think because of the connection/bond you got with your ex-partner you still feel it when something is wrong. Even though you may not be together anymore, that connection is still there for quite some time, especially if you were together for years.

 

So, I honestly do think that whenever I have moved on, my ex will feel she's losing my power, which will make her feel bad (just like I did before). There's a possibility she might reach out just then even though she doesn't know why.

 

I can't tell you if this will happen yet. Since it has been 4 months I'm not fully over my ex yet, I might be able to tell you more in 2 months. There appears to be something with the 6 month mark, most people are over their exes at that point and that's when they reach out.

[itisdanielle]

I can't tell you if this will happen yet. Since it has been 4 months I'm not fully over my ex yet, I might be able to tell you more in 2 months. There appears to be something with the 6 month mark, most people are over their exes at that point and that's when they reach out.

 

Have you had any contact since the BU?

 

Another NC question (sorry, so many questions!).. I have deleted my ex from all social media but not blocked him. So he still follows me on twitter/instagram, does it matter that he can see my updates? I think I've not blocked him because I feel like I want him to see that I'm getting on with things..which is probably/definitely stupid.

Edited November 1, 2015 by itisdanielle

[Kehv]

Have you had any contact since the BU?

 

Another NC question (sorry, so many questions!).. I have deleted my ex from all social media but not blocked him. So he still follows me on twitter/instagram, does it matter that he can see my updates? I think I've not blocked him because I feel like I want him to see that I'm getting on with things..which is probably/definitely stupid.

 

It doesn't matter he can see your updates as long as you don't see his. It's good if he can see you're doing great but don't post things which look too obvious you do this to make him jealous. Checking his facebook etc. could hurt you.

 

After 2 weeks of begging/pleading for my ex I stopped trying. Afterwards my ex wanted to see me a lot, she always wanted to hang out. We even had sex on time (Yes wrong I know....). Everytime we hung out I had some hope things would work out but it obviously did not. Maybe if I did things differently.... I was too emotional and not a real man at that point.

 

After 2 months I just had to cut her off, I did not want to be friends with her. When I told her she became furious and mad. She started chasing me because she desperately wanted me to stay in her life. She would go on a holiday with this guy the next day (Yes she already booked a holiday with him). She was mad at me because I rejected her and she went on that holiday with the guy.

 

After their holiday I haven't heard that much of her anymore and I haven't seen her since. She would only sent me little messages like "How are you?" "Congratulations" things like that.

 

Last contact was last week. Because she congratulated me for my birthday I thought I would do the same (not because I wanted to contact her). She said Thanks and asked "How Are you". I told her I'm doing fine. She said "We haven't seen each other anymore" (she lives nearby).

 

Then she asks some more questions like "What are you doing these days?" and she said I could contact her whenever I needed help with this study I'm going to do. I did not really respond to her offer.

[itisdanielle]

Yeah I can't see any of his posts because I unfollowed/unfriended him on everything and he has it all set to private unless you're friends.

 

That's good that you're at the point of not replying. I hate that my ex has never reached out since he ended it.

 

I feel like I'm very up and down, one minute I'm feeling that I don't deserve to be with someone like him and that I'm better off without him and would never take him back if he did try. Then I'm upset, like today, and wanting to see him and talk to him but I'd never reach out first to him. I think the fact he was the one to end it means that I should never contact. But it's bloody hard!

[Kehv]

Yeah I can't see any of his posts because I unfollowed/unfriended him on everything and he has it all set to private unless you're friends.

 

That's good that you're at the point of not replying. I hate that my ex has never reached out since he ended it.

 

I feel like I'm very up and down, one minute I'm feeling that I don't deserve to be with someone like him and that I'm better off without him and would never take him back if he did try. Then I'm upset, like today, and wanting to see him and talk to him but I'd never reach out first to him. I think the fact he was the one to end it means that I should never contact. But it's bloody hard!

 

Yes I know it's hard but it may be better if he doesn't contact you. If he would contact you and want to hang out with you it could give you false hope. Without any contact you will heal faster and it gives him time to start missing you.

 

However, I've read your original story and to me it all sounds a bit odd. It doesn't look like the breakup was really bad or anything but personally I would never break up with someone I really love.

He says he loves you and you are perfect but on the other hand tells you 'never say never' which doesn't really sound like he wants to marry you, right?

 

It could be he wants some space and work on his studies but that's no reason to dump someone. You are free to do what you please with other guys and most men would not like that idea (if they love you). Maybe there's more to it than meets the eye. Also, not contacting you isn't something someone would do in these kind of situations.

 

Like you, I still love my ex even after what she put me through. I know I don't deserve someone who does this to me, even though I've always treated her with respect. Still, I always thought we were an almost perfect match which is hard to find.

[itisdanielle]

 

However, I've read your original story and to me it all sounds a bit odd. It doesn't look like the breakup was really bad or anything but personally I would never break up with someone I really love.

He says he loves you and you are perfect but on the other hand tells you 'never say never' which doesn't really sound like he wants to marry you, right?

 

 

Thanks for all of your advice today. It's really helpful on the days that are hard.

 

Well, a few weeks after the break up when he said that, I found out that a couple weeks before he ended it he had kissed one of our mutual friends. So I guess that was more the reason for him ending it.

[Kehv]

Thanks for all of your advice today. It's really helpful on the days that are hard.

 

Well, a few weeks after the break up when he said that, I found out that a couple weeks before he ended it he had kissed one of our mutual friends. So I guess that was more the reason for him ending it.

 

OK so there you most likely got your answer. I don't want to make you feel worse but it seems like he's either dating this mutual friend, someone else or just wants to date around. I don't know this for certain ofcourse but better prepare for the worst.

 

Like I said, people don't just leave someone they love without any real problems.

He told you an excuse he had to study a lot, he simply did not want to look bad.

He doesn't contact you because he's most likely seeing someone else. If an ex has someone else they won't miss you that much.

 

He will most likely reach out to you soon to see if you still like him, perhaps he will start missing you.

Act like you don't care that much, act like you are happy without him.

 

You have been together for 3 years so he can't forget you that easily even if he wants to. He will probably realise his mistake and try to get back with you, it's up to you if you would take him back or not.

 

Unlike women, men often come back at some point.

Whatever he's doing right now, you don't have any control over it. I think no contact is the way to go in this situation. I don't suggest doing no contact if you split up because of a fight or other problems.

[Kehv]

I read your last reply on the thread you started.

 

You say you trusted your ex 100% like me. One day after my ex secretly went on that date with the other guy (and after I got that weird feeling), I decided to call her to see what she was doing. She said she was into town with her friend and I said "OK you're not cheating on me are you?" (It was meant as a joke) she said "No haha do you want to hear (friends name)"? I said "Sure". After the call I told this guy who was with me "Oh well.. I trust her 100%"....

 

You also say in your post your ex seemed happy the weeks/days before breakup.

 

Same thing here, there was nothing out of the ordinary. My ex was with me everyday of the week (she did not live with me due to cultural differences, marry first), we still had a lot of sex and didn't argue more than usual<- these are normally the signs when an ex is cheating on you.

 

We talked about marriage one week before she dumped me. 2 weeks before the breakup we had our 6th anniversary, took her to a nice restaurant. While we were at the restaurant she used my phone to message my brother saying "I'm going to propose to her tonight"... which was a joke ofcourse but still...

 

3 Weeks before she dumped me she bought plants for my appartment and other little things. We made a photo collage of our best photo's and hung it on the wall (Her initiative!). These are little things but is it that odd that I did not see it coming she would dump me soon after?

[itisdanielle]

I read your last reply on the thread you started.

 

You say you trusted your ex 100% like me. One day after my ex secretly went on that date with the other guy (and after I got that weird feeling), I decided to call her to see what she was doing. She said she was into town with her friend and I said "OK you're not cheating on me are you?" (It was meant as a joke) she said "No haha do you want to hear (friends name)"? I said "Sure". After the call I told this guy who was with me "Oh well.. I trust her 100%"....

 

You also say in your post your ex seemed happy the weeks/days before breakup.

 

Same thing here, there was nothing out of the ordinary. My ex was with me everyday of the week (she did not live with me due to cultural differences, marry first), we still had a lot of sex and didn't argue more than usual<- these are normally the signs when an ex is cheating on you.

 

We talked about marriage one week before she dumped me. 2 weeks before the breakup we had our 6th anniversary, took her to a nice restaurant. While we were at the restaurant she used my phone to message my brother saying "I'm going to propose to her tonight"... which was a joke ofcourse but still...

 

3 Weeks before she dumped me she bought plants for my appartment and other little things. We made a photo collage of our best photo's and hung it on the wall (Her initiative!). These are little things but is it that odd that I did not see it coming she would dump me soon after?

 

I just read the thread you posted about it about whether you should want her back. It's weird how your ex got with this new guy but was still wanting contact/to spend time with you before you went NC - do you think it was to keep you as an option in case it went wrong? Do you still feel hopeful about contacting you/regretting it?

 

I don't think he is with someone else, of course I can't know for sure. But one of my friends messaged me yesterday and told me him and her aren't together and he's been avoiding even being in the same room as her, and that he has been beating himself up about what he did.

 

I don't think I could take him back even if he did come back to me because I would constantly thinking what if he leaves again? And that he had me in a relationship but chose to cheat, not admit it and break up with me.

 

But I still want him to contact me and tell me he regrets his decision. Damn hope! Any tips on how you dealt with that?

[Kehv]

I just read the thread you posted about it about whether you should want her back. It's weird how your ex got with this new guy but was still wanting contact/to spend time with you before you went NC - do you think it was to keep you as an option in case it went wrong? Do you still feel hopeful about contacting you/regretting it?

 

We have been together for 6 years so she was missing me, no doubt about that. She even told me she missed me but just did not want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

 

My ex told me (not sure if it's the truth though) she wasn't even sure about this guy, she told me she broke up with me but not because she was in love with him. After she dumped me she even went on Tinder for a few weeks (even though she was dating him).

 

I'm not sure if I was a backup option or not. She said she will not come back to me but she was constantly checking my facebook (through friends), watching my appartment and asking me what my dates looked like.

 

It could be because she felt guilty. It could be because she wanted an Ego Stroke. It could be because she needed me for emotional support. It could be because she was bored or because she wants to stay friends.

 

 

In the end it doesn't really matter what they tell you in the weeks after they dump you. You don't know if they are telling the truth, they could tell you they don't love you anymore, they could say they never want to see you again etc.

 

Yes, everytime she wanted to hang out with me I had some hope things would work out between us. Everytime I hoped things didn't go well with the new guy. Evertime I hoped I could convince her but these things hardly ever work. Especially that one time I had sex with her (she stroked my ego because she told me I was better and 'bigger' than him) I thought I could win her back that way.

 

I don't know if I ever could take her back. I still love her but obviously she should really show me she's sincere and show me I can trust her again. It doesn't matter at this point because there are still no signs she wants me back. The only 'positive' thing is that she did not cut contact with me so that means she still cares a bit about me.

 

Right now the only thing I can do is work on myself, become a better man, do whatever I want to do. I will just stay No Contact (except if she initiates contact) and get over her. In most cases you can't get an ex back if you're not over them yet since you are too emotional.

 

You can't make him contact you but I suggest it's best to leave him be. He will most likely reach out to you after a while because you've stopped messaging him and he wants to know if you still love him. Don't tell him you still love him, act like you don't really care, it will frustrate him.

 

Think about it: He knows he can get you back whenever he wants.

[itisdanielle]

Everything you say is so true. Thanks so much for your help!

 

I've only contacted him once since the breakup and that was almost three weeks ago. So I feel proud that I'm at least sticking to that

[Kehv]

Everything you say is so true. Thanks so much for your help!

 

I've only contacted him once since the breakup and that was almost three weeks ago. So I feel proud that I'm at least sticking to that

 

Hehe well ofcourse I don't know everything, just trying to help from my own experience. There is no tactic which brings your ex back 100%.

 

You should be proud you only contacted him once because I simply could not do that in the earlier stages. I'm quite surprised he did not even reach out to you yet although I think that will happen soon. Whatever you do, do not contact him. He's the one who dumped you, the least thing he could is contact you.

 

When he does contact you don't respond immediately, make him wait, act like your busy. It might even be better to just ignore his messages for a while, it will drive him crazy. Staying in no contact forever won't get him back unless he's desperate.

 

Meanwhile just go out and have fun, date around (you don't have to get in bed with everyone just date), buy new clothes, new haircut maybe, go to the gym and post a few pictures on Facebook or something. If this guy has any interest left in him it will drive him nuts!

 

When it comes to things like this women got it pretty easy