Are dumpers relieved when you stop making contact?

[singme2sleep]

Many times over. I've been on both sides of the fence. Neither role is pleasant, but the dumper side is usually a lot easier than the other. And as for this:

I don't even know you, but I'm willing to bet cash money you're wrong about that. Lots of it.

 

I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to care. I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night wondering how I'm going to get through another day. I don't want to feel like a pathetic fool. I don't want to ache for him. I don't want to long for the sound of his voice or think about how good it used to feel when he held me.

 

But I do.

 

Help. I'm drowning.

[Samuel_22]

Yes, I have been a dumper in the past, and yes since when someone dumps you, that person has certainly processed the BU, long before putting forward the idea, and regardless they have spent a lot of energy and time to plot a break up. They will be relieved, once they have dumped you.

 

I myself cried whenever I dumped someone, but I was sure we had no future, and it was always hard for me for a couple of weeks, to live without those people. I have never dumped any of my girlfriends for someone else, and I have never dumped any one for an ex. So I have a clear conscience about that. I simply put broke up with them since I saw no future with them.

 

The thing you have to know is that, people plot break ups! I remember, when I was the dumper the last time, I acted as if I was broke, depressed, pessimistic about the future, but none actually made my ex say, she wants to break up, as the final straw, I made a phone call, I said I did not want to continue, I told her we don't work, I tried my best to boost her self confidence, I told her she was physically the most amazing girl I had ever seen, that I am sure I will never find anyone that attractive, but told her we live in different worlds, and our needs and desires are too different and we can't be.... she resisted, but finally accepted, I am soooooooooo happy, she has made friends with a very very handsome man today! I see her still on the way home, wanted to congratulate her, but... well, I decided to let things be the way they were... as if I even did not know

Edited October 18, 2015 by Samuel_22

[singme2sleep]

I miss him like hell. It's so hard not to reach out, but I know he doesn't want to talk to me, he made that clear. I don't understand how he doesn't want me. He used to tell me I was the only good thing in his life and I had his heart forever. How does someone say those things then leave? How?

[Simon Phoenix]

For the most part, when I've dumped I was completely done and yes, when they stopped contacting me I was like "Thank Christ". Even when I've circled back out of boredom/looking for a hookup (did this quite a bit in college) I was content even if they didn't answer or didn't react in the way I was hoping (i.e. hooking up with me). I was like "whatever" and went about my life.

 

I've never dumped someone and regretted it.

[TaraMaiden2]

I miss him like hell. It's so hard not to reach out, but I know he doesn't want to talk to me, he made that clear. I don't understand how he doesn't want me. He used to tell me I was the only good thing in his life and I had his heart forever. How does someone say those things then leave? How?

 

Like he did.

 

You're asking questions we can't answer, and he won't.

 

Which means you're focusing on the wrong thing.

Him.

You should be focusing on how to best deal with this situation for yourself.

 

He's gone. Which is precisely what he wanted when he dumped you, and what he wants now.

 

Switch your thinking from him, and his motives, to you and your remedy.

[singme2sleep]

Like he did.

 

You're asking questions we can't answer, and he won't.

 

Which means you're focusing on the wrong thing.

Him.

You should be focusing on how to best deal with this situation for yourself.

 

He's gone. Which is precisely what he wanted when he dumped you, and what he wants now.

 

Switch your thinking from him, and his motives, to you and your remedy.

 

But Tara how do I move on when I still love him? How do I even stop thinking about him?

[Simon Phoenix]

I miss him like hell. It's so hard not to reach out, but I know he doesn't want to talk to me, he made that clear. I don't understand how he doesn't want me. He used to tell me I was the only good thing in his life and I had his heart forever. How does someone say those things then leave? How?

 

People change their minds, they evolve. No one's interests stay the same throughout their life. Some things stick, most things don't. It's just the way of the world. Unfortunately in your case it didn't stick. It's not necessarily an incrimination on you, just a sign that your journey is still evolving and continuing. When one door closes, another opens. But you'll never notice the other opening doors if you keep staring at the one that's closed in your face.

[singme2sleep]

People change their minds, they evolve. No one's interests stay the same throughout their life. Some things stick, most things don't. It's just the way of the world. Unfortunately in your case it didn't stick. It's not necessarily an incrimination on you, just a sign that your journey is still evolving and continuing. When one door closes, another opens. But you'll never notice the other opening doors if you keep staring at the one that's closed in your face.

 

I get what you're saying, but it's not easy. The relationship was all that I wanted, it felt so right. My mind knows it's over but my heart won't accept that.

[Simon Phoenix]

I get what you're saying, but it's not easy. The relationship was all that I wanted, it felt so right. My mind knows it's over but my heart won't accept that.

 

Of course it's not easy -- no one claims that it is. But there's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is control you. I mean, you've wanted other things before this relationship and you'll want other things after.

 

Eventually your heart will stand down and realize that it's being counterproductive. It might not happen tomorrow, but it will happen if you allow it to happen. And the way to do that is to not give in when you have an impulse to check in on him.

Edited October 18, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Zapbasket]

 

The thing you have to know is that, people plot break ups! I remember, when I was the dumper the last time, I acted as if I was broke, depressed, pessimistic about the future, but none actually made my ex say, she wants to break up,

 

Wow. I hope you have outgrown this, because that it just about the most immature and hurtful thing I think I've heard regarding breakups. I've been on the receiving end of this twice, or so I strongly suspect, as I can never KNOW because they never even tried to communicate with me, just stagnated and went totally apathetic and silent and one of them even fed the lines to my mom that he is "so lost and confused / a spinning compass / can't take any responsibility right now." And being on the receiving end of that, you hang on because you think perhaps the other person is suffering and you want to be supportive to the extent you can, even while their apathy is destroying you. Just an awful and confusing thing to put anyone through.

 

To the OP: I've never been a "dumper," but I can surmise that yes, when someone wants to end a relationship, they hope the other person will make it easier on them by accepting it and moving on. Some people are selfish and confused and still want attention from the dumpee in the form of begging, being unable to move on, etc. But what is that worth? The universal bottom line is that when someone says they don't want you in their life anymore for whatever reason, give them exactly that. Not in hopes of them missing you or regretting their decision, but in order for YOU to better yourself, and give your time to your pursuits and dreams and the people who unequivocally WANT you in their lives.

[TaraMaiden2]

But Tara how do I move on when I still love him? How do I even stop thinking about him?

 

Nobody has said you have to stop loving him, or stop thinking about him.

But you have to prioritise, and understand that however strongly you feel about him, however prominent he is in your mind and hart - you can still move on.

 

Loving him and thinking about him do not prevent forward movement.

It is YOU who prevents it.

 

I get what you're saying, but it's not easy. The relationship was all that I wanted, it felt so right. My mind knows it's over but my heart won't accept that.

 

Your heart doesn't function with logic, therefore do not make decisions absed on what your heart wants.

 

because what your heart wants is unreachable.

Be kind to your heart.

But focus, and use your head.

[mightycpa]

But Tara how do I move on when I still love him? How do I even stop thinking about him?

You sound like you might be looking for the magic pill. It doesn't exist. You need a little time (maybe a lot) to feel grief, then to feel melancholy, then to feel better, then to feel good. It isn't linear and it doesn't happen all at once.

 

 

You say you love him... but what would you think if you just woke up tomorrow and you were fine? I bet you might think that maybe you didn't love him all that much after all. So, we all understand all too well that it is difficult right now, but we also understand that you'll get there, better than ever. It just takes some time, and to answer your next question

How much time?

We can't say. Everybody's different.

[singme2sleep]

You sound like you might be looking for the magic pill. It doesn't exist. You need a little time (maybe a lot) to feel grief, then to feel melancholy, then to feel better, then to feel good. It isn't linear and it doesn't happen all at once.

 

 

You say you love him... but what would you think if you just woke up tomorrow and you were fine? I bet you might think that maybe you didn't love him all that much after all. So, we all understand all too well that it is difficult right now, but we also understand that you'll get there, better than ever. It just takes some time, and to answer your next question

We can't say. Everybody's different.

 

There's no way I will wake up tomorrow and be fine, I just hope that someday I do.

[BrokenManAgain]

How do I even stop thinking about him?

Jump into a lake full of alligators but I strongly recommend against that.

[TaraMaiden2]

There's no way I will wake up tomorrow and be fine, I just hope that someday I do.

 

It may be sooner than you think, if you observe your mind-set and determine to change it for the better, for yourself.

 

It's up to you. Grow and evolve, or self-sabotage at every post.....

[singme2sleep]

It may be sooner than you think, if you observe your mind-set and determine to change it for the better, for yourself.

 

It's up to you. Grow and evolve, or self-sabotage at every post.....

 

Why did your last relationship end?

[TaraMaiden2]

It doesn't really matter.

It's in the past.

 

There was responsibility on both sides.

 

I'm over it.

[Blanco]

You were with him for five months. That's not nearly enough time to REALLY know someone. I know I and others keep bringing this up, but you seem to overlook this crucial detail. I'm going to re-post my comments from your original BU thread, because I think it's relevant and I think you really need to start addressing some of the issues I mention, rather than remaining fixated on your ex. I've seen countless people give you great advice, but it doesn't seem like you're doing much more than reading it and going, "Yeah, but..."

 

- You really need to let go of this idea of "The One." First, it's not true, and secondly, this romanticizes the person into being a holy grail. You were posting a lot during a breakup two years ago, and you mentioned at least a few times that you thought that guy was also "The One." You see a pattern emerging?

 

- Judging by your posts from earlier this year, it sounds like you had very little time between this relationship and the one before it. Why did that relationship end? What was your role in it? Did you correct those issues? I'm going to guess probably not, because with such a limited window of time between relationships, how could you? Which leads me to my next point.

 

- You are repeating the same mistakes in each relationship. The only difference is that you're swapping out the guy; the behavior remains the same. It takes two to tango, and I don't think you see your role in these breakups. Maybe it's because your role doesn't seem to be mean behavior or breaking trust. Your issue is that you sound overbearing in your relationship.

 

You posted in February about a guy you had been seeing for a few months needing space because you had been clingy in the beginning. It sounds like that relationship was basically over, but you didn't fix this behavior, because less than two months later, you created a new thread about the new boyfriend (now your most recent ex) about: How he felt smothered by your constant texting!

 

Overall: You sound like a very sweet girl, who very much wants to be someone's rock; their biggest fan; their partner through all that life has to offer. But you want these things so badly that you transfer all of these things to whoever you're dating, and you do it quickly. Instead of taking things slowly and getting to REALLY know the person you're dating, you're allowing infatuation and these desires described above to take over and basically tell you that this guy is THE ONE.

 

Of course a breakup is going to be crushing if you convince yourself that this is the guy you are destined to marry, even though logic says you cannot possibly know this guy well enough to make such decisions in such a short period of time. From what I gather, you two shared a nice four-month honeymoon phase, where naturally, everything was awesome. Then he started to pull back during that final month until he finally ended it.

 

It's good that you want to give your all to someone, but I think your biggest detraction is that you are not discriminating enough about doing so. The truth is, if you don't start examining and correcting some of this behavior, you'll just continue to repeat the same mistakes and yield similar results.

 

I know you mean well when it comes to acting this way, but the reality is, most people find it to be too much, even if they're really into you. If their interest is only mild, then being the recipient of such attention can be downright suffocating, which is what I think is happening in your relationships.

 

You need to take a step back and ask yourself why you base so much of your self-worth on being in a relationship. I think if you can get to the root of that problem and then work to fix that, you'll find yourself to be in a much better place emotionally. Then, and only then, will a romantic relationship be an enhancement to your happy life rather the reason you're happy

[singme2sleep]

Bianco- time doesn't matter, feelings develop when they develop. I would never tell you your pain was pointless or try to invalidate it. I'm just here looking for some support from strangers who aren't going to judge me.

[BrokenManAgain]

Gee, jumping into a lake full of alligators seems a lot easier, doesn't it? But don't do it. I believe Florida has laws against intentionally feeding the wild life and you will have a hell of a lot of paper work to go through to prove you didn't intentionally feed the alligators.

 

Made you smile.

 

It's a minute to minute fight. Just keep winning the minutes that you can.

 

I have this overwhelming desire to beg my ex to come back and it's a fight not to do it.

[singme2sleep]

Gee, jumping into a lake full of alligators seems a lot easier, doesn't it? But don't do it. I believe Florida has laws against intentionally feeding the wild life and you will have a hell of a lot of paper work to go through to prove you didn't intentionally feed the alligators.

 

Made you smile.

 

It's a minute to minute fight. Just keep winning the minutes that you can.

 

I have this overwhelming desire to beg my ex to come back and it's a fight not to do it.

 

Good thing I don't live in Florida.

[Blanco]

Bianco- time doesn't matter, feelings develop when they develop. I would never tell you your pain was pointless or try to invalidate it. I'm just here looking for some support from strangers who aren't going to judge me.

 

But you have shown a history of falling fast and HARD for every guy you're in a relationship. At the very least, you have shown a history of coming on too strong, which suggests you are too eager to prove to yourself that whoever you're with is IT. You've put this guy on a pedestal, and your reluctance to remove him (and yes, you are reluctant) is what will keep you stuck in your current state.

 

I learned a long time ago that even if you think the person you're with is someone you're meant to be with, it doesn't matter once they decide they DON'T want to be with you anymore. This guy finally made it crystal clear that this is how he feels about you.

 

LS is a great place to find support, but there comes a point where you are taking advantage of the time and kindness of these strangers by ignoring or dismissing the helpful advice that's offered to your situation. I don't think you intentionally mean to do this, but your posts in the last couple days show that nothing anyone has said since you started your thread a month ago has made much difference or been useful. You seem to be more comfortable remaining stuck in this awful place of wishing he would come back, even though he has done you the harsh, yet potentially useful service of telling you in no uncertain terms that he's finished with you.

[Wewon]

Most of us who are dumpees have prob made the mistake of trying to convince our dumper not to end the relationship, or to change their mind after the fact.

 

Now they say that one of the aspects of NC (even though it's used for us to heal) is that the dumper eventually wonders why we stopped reaching out. But is that true? Do they get curious when we finally go silent or are they just relieved and assume that means we accept the breakup?

 

Depends how it ended and the temperament of the dumper.

 

If it ended with begging and crying then they are probably relieved at NC. However, if it ended with a "It was good knowing you" then the dumper is probably confused. Temperament, a sympathetic dumper will probably assume that NC is a good thing, a dumper with a lot of hubris will become insecure and almost need the reassurance that they still had "the upper hand" with their ex.

[Liono84]

Bianco- time doesn't matter, feelings develop when they develop. I would never tell you your pain was pointless or try to invalidate it. I'm just here looking for some support from strangers who aren't going to judge me.

 

I think you're totally missing the point, OP. The biggest step in making progress is self-awareness and it appears you're clearly not self-aware with your actions as Blanco pointed out. You have a pattern. You have to realize this and stop making the same mistakes otherwise you'll keep getting the same results.

 

Most of us are here to support one another on this site. No ones judging you. No one wants harm. I came to this site in the immediate aftermath of my breakup for guidance and help. This site along with others here helped me out tremendously. I heard a lot of things I didn't necessary want to hear because it hurt, it was a cold dose of reality. I could have taken those opinions as harsh, but I was very welcoming to other ppl's points of view, because this was the truth. I was sick of the same B.S. advice from my close friends. As time went bye, I found this site to be self detremintal because it always reminded me of my breakup, so I stopped coming as frequently. Although I come less frequently, I still come on, not so much for help any longer, but to give advice to others like yourself now.

[Meli22]

Wow. I hope you have outgrown this, because that it just about the most immature and hurtful thing I think I've heard regarding breakups. I've been on the receiving end of this twice, or so I strongly suspect, as I can never KNOW because they never even tried to communicate with me, just stagnated and went totally apathetic and silent and one of them even fed the lines to my mom that he is "so lost and confused / a spinning compass / can't take any responsibility right now." And being on the receiving end of that, you hang on because you think perhaps the other person is suffering and you want to be supportive to the extent you can, even while their apathy is destroying you. Just an awful and confusing thing to put anyone through.

 

To the OP: I've never been a "dumper," but I can surmise that yes, when someone wants to end a relationship, they hope the other person will make it easier on them by accepting it and moving on. Some people are selfish and confused and still want attention from the dumpee in the form of begging, being unable to move on, etc. But what is that worth? The universal bottom line is that when someone says they don't want you in their life anymore for whatever reason, give them exactly that. Not in hopes of them missing you or regretting their decision, but in order for YOU to better yourself, and give your time to your pursuits and dreams and the people who unequivocally WANT you in their lives.

 

Your first paragraph is very true. My ex blamed his loss of feelings on his anxiety and depression so when i left (because I was the only one who had the balls to) he gave all of the "I thought you were going to help me through this" guilt trip speech. Of course I felt guilty and of course I wanted to help him! And he too gave my mother the big confusion/lost speech. It's all BS and extremely selfish. He lost interest and wouldn't take responsibility simple as. He, along with other people out there, was the kind of person who wouldn't ever take responsibility for any problem in the rship, and would instead blame all of his insecurities and control issues on me. He knows deep down how much he hurt me, and yet still tried to blame everything on me. It's fine because I'm ok now and I'm the one with the clear conscience. But that sort of behaviour is destructive to relationships.