Zapbasket Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 OP, one thing I think is hard to understand about someone leaving the way your ex did is that some people are generally very, very avoidant. Rather than lean into difficulties or conflicts in any area of life, they draw back, and draw back, and then finally shun what they perceive to be the source of them in any way they can. I know I'm a person who leans into conflict even if it makes me sick, since I like answers and I like fixing things. So I have a nearly impossible time understanding avoidant people and the lengths they will go to to avoid. But for the avoidant, the need to protect themselves from any kind of difficulty overrides any other consideration. This to say that while yes, perhaps your ex used "depression" as a convenient excuse to sever you from his life, consider that perhaps it really has less to do with YOU than with his perception of you as the source of some kind of conflict he'd rather not have to face. Maybe he's afraid of intimacy; maybe he's afraid of where his life is headed; maybe he feels like a mess inside. But it takes real maturity to be able to feel those things and keep a partner in the loop and by your side, through honest communication and the ability to be truly vulnerable before another person. Perhaps your ex lacks that maturity; it's certainly a possibility; and so you must realize that for a relationship to make it long-term, it's KEY for both partners to have that kind of maturity...and THEREFORE, he can't be the man for you. Keep in mind that people run away from love all the time. Often people run, not because they don't love you, but because the very presence of that love scares them. And rather than deal with their fear, they project that fear onto you and then must shun you as a way to shun the fear. Often, too, it takes such people YEARS to realize that that is what they did, if they ever realize it at all. Avoidant people often don't become very self-aware, because they avoid the very situations that would teach them the most about themselves. These people don't make good partners. Maybe, just maybe, OP, you dodged a bullet. That, too, could take years to recognize. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 How can you know that in months he'll be with somebody new? It was the depression, I saw it with my eyes and felt it. You don't know him, only what I've mentioned about him on here. What makes you think he will date someone else? I was an awesome girlfriend and gave him everything he wanted, everything. He doesn't need someone else. Please explain your thinking... Out of everything I wrote, this is what you choose to dwell on? OK, then. Here is my thinking and then I'll respectfully not provide any more insights, since it's become obvious you aren't interested in hearing anything that doesn't support your decision to stay stuck in your despair: This guy does not want to be in a relationship with you. I can tell you based on my 30 years of being a guy that we do not let go of relationships we want unless we feel we must. I have gone through some rough times in my life while in a relationship and my solution was never to dump the girl. If he really wanted the relationship and knew his depression was compromising it, he would've sought professional help and asked that you be patient while he works through these things. Instead, he ended the relationship, has shown no interest in reconciling, and has actually told you to leave him alone. Maybe *I* don't know him better than you do, but I can assure you that *he* knows himself better than you know him. I never said he needs someone else. That doesn't mean he won't date again. Your fatal flaw seems to be that you're naturally inclined to be a caretaker. You want him to need you, because that makes you indispensable from his life. But the reality is, he doesn't NEED you. Based on your posts, it seems like you are the one who needs him. A healthy relationship isn't about how badly one person needs the other. A relationship should add value to your life; not be what gives your life all of its value. I really don't think you see that, which is why you continue to repeat the same mistakes in your relationships. Like I said, I'll bow out from giving any more unwanted advice. Just keep in mind that after a while, people are going to grow tired of responding to your posts if you continue to dismiss what they say just because it's not what you want to hear. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Why is it ok for this person to have a little hope but not for me? Because he sounds like he's actually getting on with his life, whereas you are saying stuff like "I can't move on" and "I'll never love again." He keeps a sliver of hope, while being aware that it's unlikely she will be back. You are keeping hope alive while insisting that this guy wants to be with you, even though all of his actions say the opposite. His hope is not keeping him stuck. Yours is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 Because he sounds like he's actually getting on with his life, whereas you are saying stuff like "I can't move on" and "I'll never love again." He keeps a sliver of hope, while being aware that it's unlikely she will be back. You are keeping hope alive while insisting that this guy wants to be with you, even though all of his actions say the opposite. His hope is not keeping him stuck. Yours is. But then what did I do wrong? He used to tell me he loved me everyday and always did little romantic things. Why would he specifically not want me? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Because today was Monday, and tomorrow will be Tuesday. In other words, there's no point in asking the why's because the answer is simply that he didn't want to be with you any more. WHat is it going to take to get it through your head that this is where it ends, and you need to move on? Jeesh, drop the pointless questions and start promising yourself that you are your priority, not some wishful thinking you can never bring to fruit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I was an awesome girlfriend and gave him everything he wanted, everything. He doesn't need someone else. But he felt differently, and he gets a say in this. You don't have the right to decide that he needs you and not someone else. He is capable of making his own decisions, and he can decide he doesn't want to be with you. You don't know that you gave him everything he wanted. That is how you perceive the situation. Blanco made some good points about how you want to feel needed. You want to feel indispensable to him because that is the only way feel that he won't leave you. That is a dangerous line of thinking. I say all of this with compassion because I once thought along these same lines. I thought I knew it all and would not take any advice. I had to learn that I didn't know it all, and I wasn't necessary to my ex's survival. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 But then what did I do wrong? He used to tell me he loved me everyday and always did little romantic things. Why would he specifically not want me? There's probably nothing specific that you did wrong. Usually, people just don't "feel it" anymore. Feelings sometimes don't progress, or they end up dying away over time. If you can't point to anything specific, there probably isn't one reason that you can fix. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singme2sleep Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 There's probably nothing specific that you did wrong. Usually, people just don't "feel it" anymore. Feelings sometimes don't progress, or they end up dying away over time. If you can't point to anything specific, there probably isn't one reason that you can fix. I don't believe he just lost interest or fell out of love. My therapist even said he has a mental disorder. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I don't believe he just lost interest or fell out of love. My therapist even said he has a mental disorder. Your therapist doesn't know him any better than we do. Your ex told you he didn't want you to contact him anymore. He told you he was moving on and, when you refused to accept it, he blocked you so you would leave him alone. For whatever reason he lost interest and he is probably very relieved that you can't contact him anymore. With all due respect, what kind of answer are you hoping for? That he still secretly cares for you despite every single indication to the contrary? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I don't believe he just lost interest or fell out of love. My therapist even said he has a mental disorder. That might well be true. BUT, what good does that knowledge do you, really? I've been exactly where you are and I know how it feels when your ego simply cannot fathom or accept the rejection. You look for any reason why they might have left other than that they lost feelings for you, and when you find that reason, it's comforting for a moment, until your ego again rails against the abandonment. And then you must examine everything yet again, to find another possible reason. It's maddening, and I think what people are trying to tell you on your thread is that you need to keep working hard to accept that he ended it and the why doesn't matter that much, in the end. They're telling you this because they have probably been where you are, and know how much this kind of thinking you're engaging in compounds the hurt. It's strange, but lately I have begun to find it more comforting to just tell myself that my ex didn't love me ENOUGH, or maybe even didn't love me at all, and that's why he exited, and exited in such an emotionless, apathetic, checked-out way. He just didn't care. And it hurts unbelievably, but it feels much more realistic than trying to delve into his f'd up psychology to understand why. Why is: he didn't want to be with me anymore. He hasn't contacted me because by ending the relationship with me, he got what he wanted, which was not having me in his life. There was a time that I could not BEGIN to consider this. I was so sure that he loved me. I was sure he would contact me because he'd realize his mistake. I could not consider otherwise. But now, the facts speak for themselves. Now, your ex MAY have a mental disorder. He MAY truly care for you, even love you. But the FACT is that he left you. Stop defending him and start getting angry. I mean, do YOU think you're leave-able? No, right? So, castigate him in your mind for his poor judgment. And remember: people don't go to the trouble of leaving people they deeply want to be with. So what does that say about his attitude toward you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I don't believe he just lost interest or fell out of love. My therapist even said he has a mental disorder. He broke up with you and has said he does not want contact with you. Yet for some reason this isn't registering for you. I don't know if its ego that's preventing you from seeing reality, but I mean, what does he have to do -- come over to your house and yell at you, kiss another woman in front of you, do worse than that? I don't mean to be harsh, but you have to come back to reality and join the rest of us. And even if he does have a mental disorder -- which your therapist would have no idea about unless she deals with him and if she deals with him it'd be extremely inappropriate for him or her to discuss him with you -- what does that do? What does that matter? The result is the same and all that matters. He broke up, he's gone. That's all and that's it. The rest is superfluous. Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 When I met my ex he was off work for 6 months with bad anxiety. He didn't seek help for it. Anyway, the anxiety calmed down and he returned to work. Throughout our rship he was paranoid a lot of the time. This led to controlling issues, possessiveness, jealousy and creating scenarios in his head about stuff I did when he wasn't around. I spent so much of my time trying to console him and reassure him that I only wanted him. When his loss of feelings came about, he was still if not more possessive as usual. First off he blamed the loss of feelings on his anxiety, then he blamed it on an after effect of anxiety (something I hadn't heard of) and then he would blame it on me. It was all very confusing and looking back, I do feel he simply lost interest but who knows . He told his sister who I was close with, that it was his anxiety that caused him to lose feelings for me. I had no sympathy in the end because he was toying with my emotions and swaying from one reason to another. Also, he sought no help for his anxiety. Something was always "missing" for him and he said it wasn't me, it was all him. But then would blame me too. Go figure. So I don't honestly know if it was all BS. I do believe he had some issues of his own to figure out (don't we all sometimes?) but people need to recognise that themselves. I read recently an observation that some people are less "emotionally responsible" than others. When you suffer things like anxiety, depression, paranoia, debilitating insecurity, anger management issues, etc., it's emotionally IRRESPONSIBLE to ignore the problem, because any one of those issues will severely affect your life and relationships. No one can help another person with these issues unless the person himself or herself wants to be helped and takes responsibility for their growth. Many people would rather just avoid. Sounds like our exes were that way. My ex never sought help with anything even while he admitted he recognized that he was stuck in life. One lesson I take from my experience with my ex is that from now on, I will actively look for signs that a person is emotionally responsible, as in, aware of how his behaviors impact a situation or interaction and willing to examine and take steps to correct it. I have finally learned that you can't make someone be emotionally responsible who doesn't want to be / isn't ready to be / is perhaps fundamentally incapable of being. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
EricWorm Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift, Which is why the call it the present. Never a truer word spoken. Live for now, OP is living in the past and refuses to move forward. Be mindful of where you are now. Take 3 full deep breaths and exhale slowly. Describe out loud where you are. I am in a room, in work, typing on a keyboard. It is 6pm and I will be heading home to cook dinner and then cycle into town to watch Spectre in the cinema with a friend. Do this every time you feel helpless and out of touch with reality. Take control of you, instead of letting your body run the worry-mill and waste all of your energy. Link to post Share on other sites
Draper Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) I'm one of those people who thinks you should take time after a breakup to evaluate what happened, what your role in the breakup was, and how you're going to change what you can to avoid the same mistakes in the next relationship. Once you've done that, I think it's good to at least get out and meet new people. Don't go looking for a new partner; let it happen organically. More to your question: I think it's possible to move on while not totally shutting the door on your ex, BUT, only if you're really willing to not let that hope sabotage a potential new relationship. If this hope is keeping you from building something with a new person, then no, it's not possible to move on while still holding onto hope. Personally, I was not able to do this. I held onto hope for years, which kept me from even trying to date. It was only when my ex told me that in no uncertain terms that we wouldn't ever get back together that I finally let go. And it was oddly calming to do so. I'm sure I felt crappy for a couple days, but after that, I felt free. There was someone I was interested in at the time, and within a few weeks of me letting go of hope, she and I were dating. I can't attribute it all to letting go of hope for reconciliation with my ex, but I do know that I didn't let my former feelings for my ex at all influence my choices with the new girl. Yup, hope is a dangerous thing. I had similar experience with an ex (not the one you may have seen me posting about on here). I held onto hope for months, and the fact that we were still talking and sometimes seeing each other didn't help. Anyway, it seems like sometimes you need someone to snap you out of that hope. For you, it was your ex telling you straight up there 0 chance. For me, it was oddly my father, who simply asked why the hell I was wasting my time seeing an ex. For whatever reason, that resonated with me. I haven't spoken a word to that ex since that day, which is a few years ago now. And honestly, I felt a hell of a lot better once I threw that hope out the window. Interestingly, that ex ended up sending me text after text begging and pleading for me to give her another chance. As I said above, I never replied to any of it. Anyways, hopefully we can be the ones to snap you out of it OP because it does indeed look like you're travelling down a slippery slope of hope and denial. Edited October 28, 2015 by Draper Link to post Share on other sites
Kehv Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I feel like this is an incredibly accurate response. Having been someone who dumped a guy after I'd already checked out emotionally, I didn't care to hear from him at all, and I think if he'd tried to message me I would've just blocked him. The begging he did when I was breaking up with him really repulsed me. However, I think if you care strongly for the person and broke up with them because of a desire to be single or just because things weren't working out, with the same level of feelings in tact, NC could cause them to have regretful/upset feelings for a while. If it's not enough to come back with their heart on their sleeve and ask for you back, though, it might as well be nothing at all. Do you know if you start to emotionally detach from a guy? My ex dumped me 4 months ago (6 year relationship) to chase a colleague. I know she must've been thinking about leaving me and since she got someone else lined up that would've been easier for her. To me it came out of the blue. I've read about how to know if a woman is checking out emotionally. Things like; argueing a lot, almost no sex and she keeps as much distance as she can. In my case none of these things happened. My ex wanted to keep me as a friend and became furious when I told her I could not be her friend. Nowadays we hardly speak but she checks up on me from time to time. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavyHeart15 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to care. I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night wondering how I'm going to get through another day. I don't want to feel like a pathetic fool. I don't want to ache for him. I don't want to long for the sound of his voice or think about how good it used to feel when he held me. But I do. Help. I'm drowning. This is me right now, every word. The pain is unbearable and letting go is incredibly difficult. They have let go a long time ago, it's time for us to do the same. Somehow we need to find the strength to move on, to accept our new reality and believe we will be happy again. The advice I've been given over and over is to give yourself time. Time heals. Edited October 28, 2015 by HeavyHeart15 Link to post Share on other sites
Draper Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 This is me right now, every word. The pain is unbearable and letting go is incredibly difficult. They have let go a long time ago, it's time for us to do the same. Somehow we need to find the strength to move on, to accept our new reality and believe we will be happy again. The advice I've been given over and over is to give yourself time. Time heals. Not only can you be happy again, but you can be better and stronger because of this once you come out on the other side. There's always going to be good times in life and there's always going to be bad times, but the bad times are where the growth happens - if you allow it to happen (hence why getting stuck on hope is so detrimental to healing). Don't let someone else's actions destroy you - tell yourself that when you bounce back from this, you'll be a better person than before. Time may heal, yes, but it's up to you to dictate how much time is going to be needed. I know it's easier said than done, but letting go is the fastest route to a new and improved you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thespacey1 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Hi OP, sorry I'm just chiming in late. Sorry for your pain. Yes you will get through this in due time... Dont expect it to be easy IMO, that mentality is a setup... Nope, we're not all relieved when or if the dumpee stops making contact. Of course it depends on the details of the situation, but overall we have feelings too. We REALLY do. When I left my ex I knew it would be painful for us both, but I felt like my pain was deeper because he's a guy. And guys seem to cover up their pain better. Granted I had to occupy my time as well, but I basically left him for things we'd discussed .... Still i was hurt and still healing. I felt very justified. He of course did not feel l was justified and became very bitter toward the end of our relationship, making it easier for me to not make immediate contact with him. But I was in pain,nonetheless. I wish he'd let go of his ego and tell me VERBALLY how hurt he was but instead he was more concerned w/ looking like a fool(by his own admission) because I never tried stopping our break up. He always expected me to read his mind. Now, foolishly enough I guess I expect him to read mine... All dumpers are not cold and heartless. Our fear just gives off that vibe at times... Link to post Share on other sites
K2z Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Does the dumper really have to come back "pleading" for there to be a viable chance at a reconciliation? My dumper was frustrated that I did not have a concrete enough life plan for us. I was sleeping at the wheel. If I got even a slight window of opportunity, I would pedal like hell to make amends, no pleading required. Link to post Share on other sites
Kehv Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Does the dumper really have to come back "pleading" for there to be a viable chance at a reconciliation? My dumper was frustrated that I did not have a concrete enough life plan for us. I was sleeping at the wheel. If I got even a slight window of opportunity, I would pedal like hell to make amends, no pleading required. In my opinion, if you want her back all you got to do is give her that lifeplan (if she is still interested). Marrying is something both partners have to agree on, if you do not want to marry and she does then there is no future for you, it's basically the same when one partner wants children and the other want doesn't. If you really love her, you should marry her otherwise move on. Link to post Share on other sites
K2z Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Believe me, I've offered it. Crickets. Zero response. Which I interpret as either no, or not-no-oh-please-God-let-there-be-a-chance, depending on which way the breeze happens to be blowing. But yeah. Open the door for me a millimeter and I would redress my earlier mistakes and marry her a thousand times over. Link to post Share on other sites
Kehv Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Yeah it all sounds a bit odd to me. If a woman really loves you she would let you make up for it. To answer your question (if a dumper needs to come back pleading): In my opinion it depends what the reason was to dump you. If she was wrong (she cheated, left you for stupid reasons... etc.) she has to come back pleading. If you were the one that screwed up you have to apologise and hope she changes her mind. In this case it's hard to tell who is wrong or right, I think neither of you are, just different opinions. If this woman really loved you, she will at least hear you out. Remember only no contact probably doesn't bring her back (maybe insecure girls). How does she react if you contact her? My suggestion would be to try to go grab a coffee with her. Don't start to talk about the relationship immediately but slowly build it up, see if she still cares. Link to post Share on other sites
Kehv Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I'm not 100% sure but from what I know infatuation lasts max. 2 years. He was at least 1 year in the attachment stage. Me and my ex talked about marriage even one week before she dumped me after 6 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I agree that any woman who leaves a good relationship JUST because she hasn't been proposed to YET, is probably not who you'd want to settle with anyway. I understand people leaving relationships because marriage is never going to happen but to leave a relationship because the other person is taking their time, it's just alien to me. The same way I don't understand people leaving relationships because one of the partners isn't ready for children YET but would be in the next couple of years. Yes us women have a biological clock ticking away but by the time we heal from that relationship, actually find another suitable partner, talk settling, the original partner would probably be raring to go for a family. I don't know, just my two cents worth. Totally off topic there.. Sorry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kehv Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 @Bo34 Yeah same problem here. I'm 30 now and most of my friends are in relationship or not going out a lot anymore to meet women. Tinder doesn't work well for me neither. I'm average looking so I don't get too many likes. There are some cute women but then I often fail in the conversation I do agree, most women leave when there's someone else in the picture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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