Are dumpers relieved when you stop making contact?

[mightycpa]

Believe me, I've offered it. Crickets. Zero response. Which I interpret as either no, or not-no-oh-please-God-let-there-be-a-chance, depending on which way the breeze happens to be blowing.

 

But yeah. Open the door for me a millimeter and I would redress my earlier mistakes and marry her a thousand times over.

My guess is that it's more like "This isn't real change. This smells like desperation" and unless you're implementing at least part of that plan without her, then it probably is.

[Kehv]

My mate actuall went through something similar. his ex started chasing him like 6 months afterwards but he didn't take her back. After a year he was in a new relationship and his ex kept chasing him and although her messages are less frequently she still triest to contact him even 5 years after their breakup.

 

Somehow she even managed to find out what is e-mail at work was (he blocked her on all other media).

[jrode23]

The notion that a woman leaves only because she has another man waiting in the wings is incredibly sexist. It makes it sound like women are incapable of being independent and being on their own.

[Wewon]

How is that a general rule? What is your evidence to suggest that this is the case? Personal experiences? Posts on here?

 

You're pigeonholing an entire gender, saying unless something dramatic happens in a relationship, women seldom leave without having someone else lined up. This is a very dangerous, and downright incredible, leap to make.

 

Where are the statistics to show women are less capable of being on their own?

 

I don't think that this is really fair.

 

In dating we all draw on our personal experiences and wisdom and draw conclusions on how things work. And when it comes to romantic relationships, men and women see sides of the opposite sex that they often don't get to see in themselves.

 

Yes, there are exceptions, some qualifying variables, and maybe some specific demographics but ones experiences shouldn't have to be defended with peer reviewed research.

 

I've experienced the same thing with women in their 20s, it doesn't do harm pointing this out any more than women pointing out patterns that they experience with men.Especially if it helps someone else realize that their problems aren't unique or that he's struggling alone.

[Eighty_nine]

SingMe2Sleep, I can tell you with near certainty why he lost interest: you sound like your whole life was about him, making sure HE was happy, being an "awesome" girlfriend. Believe it or not, men don't want this. Men want women who do not NEED them-- women who put their OWN needs first. when a girl is all about a guy--blindly loyal-- this turns them off. Next relationship, don't worry about being an 'awesome' girlfriend... be yourself, be a good decent partner but make sure your own needs are met first. this is WAY more attractive to men. read 'why men love bitches' for more on this.

[K2z]

In my instance, my woman had alluded on a couple occasions that if we couldn't get married she would go her own way and just "be alone."

 

Obviously there is every chance some other guy came along, but I suspect that is the path she took.. resigning herself to being alone and pursuing money/career goals for the moment. But I simply don't know.

[Carriages]

I honestly believe its relief, relief that you as a dumpee will stop bugging them and making them feel guilty about leaving you, eventually itll be curiosity, but thatll just be for curiosities sake rather than anything deeper.

 

Although curiosity in itself does mean something.

 

I don't think we truly ever fully move on from any of our exes. All my relationships still mean something to me, even the ones dating back to my teenage years. No way do they ever become strangers, or even "just friends".

[Meli22]

Count me in to the women who left with no man lined up group. My ex was also convinced I had another man on the scene. Nope, was just fed up of being treated like sh*t

[Kehv]

Count me in to the women who left with no man lined up group. My ex was also convinced I had another man on the scene. Nope, was just fed up of being treated like sh*t

 

OK but that's the whole problem here. If you were being treated like **** (maybe you could explain what you mean?) it's not that odd to leave someone. I now know I was a great guy to my ex for most of the time. And no it's not about my Ego telling me I'm so amazing, I just know I was really good to her.

[TaraMaiden2]

OK but that's the whole problem here. If you were being treated like **** (maybe you could explain what you mean?) it's not that odd to leave someone. I now know I was a great guy to my ex for most of the time. And no it's not about my Ego telling me I'm so amazing, I just know I was really good to her.

Exactly.

My daughter, my aunt and my cousin all had amicable separations. Sure, sometimes during the separation process things got a bit heated. But that was due to issues relating to apportioning of property, finances and goods & chattels.

The emotional separations went off quite well, all things considered....

 

I would immediately point out that the children were never embroiled in litigation, or made to feel stressed or anguished by push-pull behaviour of parents.

I will admit that's pretty unusual. My aunt's kids were virtual adults.

My cousin's children quite young, but I have to say both she and her H behaved very honourably with regard to their offspring.

[Meli22]

OK but that's the whole problem here. If you were being treated like **** (maybe you could explain what you mean?) it's not that odd to leave someone. I now know I was a great guy to my ex for most of the time. And no it's not about my Ego telling me I'm so amazing, I just know I was really good to her.

 

Sorry I hadn't read all of your posts so I wasn't aware of your situation fully. I just meant that not every girl has someone else lined up despite what men might think. Umm my break up in a nut shell - boyfriend was quite controlling: wouldn't let me wear fitted clothes, always accused me of looking at other men, made me feel like I was very unworthy. He didn't know how he felt about me anymore, kept me "there" whilst becoming even more paranoid/controlling. So I guess my break up isn't about me just not feeling a connection anymore, it was more about me getting tired of being made to feel like I wasn't good enough and a ton of messy things (I won't go into full details but you get the gist) I was just making a point about women and back ups

Edited October 30, 2015 by Meli22

[K2z]

...it was more about me getting tired of being made to feel like I wasn't good enough...

 

There is the essence of my split. She wanted marriage. After a year she was ready for marriage, if not earlier. I kept her waiting. It gave her the sense that she was not good enough, or not right for me. I can't begin to tell you how haunted I am by my mistakes.

[Meli22]

There is the essence of my split. She wanted marriage. After a year she was ready for marriage, if not earlier. I kept her waiting. It gave her the sense that she was not good enough, or not right for me. I can't begin to tell you how haunted I am by my mistakes.

 

There is a difference between waiting to get married and basically telling someone they aren't good enough for you. Please understand that you didn't make any mistakes by being ready for marriage; it's a huge commitment and frankly, I feel too many people feel it has to be sealed and done ASAP. My parents have been together for around 40 years and aren't married, they're very happy too. Don't blame yourself for not rushing into such a huge commitment, and don't let your ex girlfriend make you feel that by doing this you ruined a relationship. She shouldn't have let having a ring on her finger become such a huge focus and priority.

[K2z]

Thank you for your kindness Meli22. Very fascinating detail about your parents.

 

One of my worst traits is a sort of cerebral/emotional schizophrenia. In my "gut," in my emotions, I am attached and planning a life together. In my headspace, I convince myself that maybe this isn't forever and that there's this and that flaw, and that it wouldn't be the end of the world if it didn't work out.

 

Then it ends, and the gut reality overflows everything else like a tsunami, and I realize it was right all along. Generally speaking, trust your gut.

[Meli22]

Thank you for your kindness Meli22. Very fascinating detail about your parents.

 

One of my worst traits is a sort of cerebral/emotional schizophrenia. In my "gut," in my emotions, I am attached and planning a life together. In my headspace, I convince myself that maybe this isn't forever and that there's this and that flaw, and that it wouldn't be the end of the world if it didn't work out.

 

Then it ends, and the gut reality overflows everything else like a tsunami, and I realize it was right all along. Generally speaking, trust your gut.

 

Yep I agree with the gut, although sometimes it's not always right. I had a gut feeling for the first few months with my ex and it was causing me to put a barrier up. I couldn't explain! I just felt like it wasn't right. I noticed small signs of clinginess and neediness. Somewhere along the lines I fell for him and it felt right. But then he started commenting whenever I wore gym pants or fitted dresses, he'd say that if I wore looser fitting clothes then other men wouldn't think sexual things and that out relationship would be more special. I tried to argue that I like wearing gym pants and I don't feel nice in baggy clothes because of my shape, but it wasn't long before I gave in and started tying my jacket around my waist whenever I went to the gym. Soooo wrong and so silly, lesson learnt!

[sambolini]

My ex wife wasn't. In fact, the more I pulled away, the more contact she initiated. And she was the one who initiated our separation which led to divorce.

 

I think it's about control. Her brother said it best. "In the beginning, she was rejecting you. Now, you're rejecting her. And it's driving her nuts."

 

Years after we split I still got bitched at via text from her because I don't want to be in the same room with her. I ignored it.

 

She's always had the push/pull dynamic with me though, which continues to this day. I just decided to always be the one pushing so it doesn't matter what she does...the outcome will always be the same.

 

She's got major issues that she's never dealt with. They'll impact her new marriage, and I'll be there for our daughter when that time comes.

[Kehv]

@Meli22

 

Yes that sounds very clingy and jealous of his part. My ex thought I was clingy aswell (she told me after she dumped me) but all I did was message her a few times when she was going out. But overall my ex had like 100 reasons to dump me but probably more to justify her own actions.

 

The funny thing is that he loved you so much he did not want to lose you to any other guy and that's exactly what drove you away. I agree this could be a reason to dump him (I don't know if there was any way to tell him before you did). In my opinion it's not exactly 'treating you like ****'.

 

I also agree with the 'gut' feeling. I knew when there was something wrong when my ex secretly dated this other guy and I knew when she spend the night with him the first time. I hope she will get this 'gut' feeling once I'm over her.

[Meli22]

@Meli22

 

Yes that sounds very clingy and jealous of his part. My ex thought I was clingy aswell (she told me after she dumped me) but all I did was message her a few times when she was going out. But overall my ex had like 100 reasons to dump me but probably more to justify her own actions.

 

The funny thing is that he loved you so much he did not want to lose you to any other guy and that's exactly what drove you away. I agree this could be a reason to dump him (I don't know if there was any way to tell him before you did). In my opinion it's not exactly 'treating you like ****'.

 

I also agree with the 'gut' feeling. I knew when there was something wrong when my ex secretly dated this other guy and I knew when she spend the night with him the first time. I hope she will get this 'gut' feeling once I'm over her.

 

I don't necessarily mean that the possessiveness was treating me like sh*t, I mean towards the end he would starve me of affection and say stuff that would kill my esteem, and act even more possessive than usual. He ruined my birthday over something like him asking me if I ever checked guys out at the gym, I said no, and he caused a huge scene and left. He's never seen me at the gym and his reasoning was that "most people look at other people" ... So yeah that's an example of what I mean.

[Kehv]

Yeah that's pretty excessive.

 

For the most part I treated my ex with respect. Perhaps I was TOO nice to her, perhaps she just thought she could do better. It doesn't matter now anymore.

[bmajor]

I broke up with a man i loved. I'm sticking to no contact and it's freaking PAINFUL! So no it's not easy for us. I wanted to spend my life with him but continually caught him in lies which was just as painful as the break up itself. He still emails me. It takes everything i have not to respond. I think about him constantly but i love myself enough to know i deserve the truth in a relationship. Side note... I broke up with him several times for the lying, gave him several more chances. So in my case, no it's not easy. I miss him, but have to move forward for my own sanity.

[Kehv]

I broke up with a man i loved. I'm sticking to no contact and it's freaking PAINFUL! So no it's not easy for us. I wanted to spend my life with him but continually caught him in lies which was just as painful as the break up itself. He still emails me. It takes everything i have not to respond. I think about him constantly but i love myself enough to know i deserve the truth in a relationship. Side note... I broke up with him several times for the lying, gave him several more chances. So in my case, no it's not easy. I miss him, but have to move forward for my own sanity.

 

Not saying I'm perfect but in my opinion that is a valid reason to dump someone. Everyone lies from time to time but I'm sure he did not lie about little things.

[jrode23]

I think my ex is probably relieved I stopped contacting her. Then again, no contact was her idea (she was the dumper) and she was the one who blocked me on social media (after I unfriended her on Facebook, which I thought was odd). I obviously would still have ways to contact her if I wanted, but I'm a week and a half into NC now.

 

For me, there's not a day that goes by that I don't hope she reaches out to me. I honestly can't say whether I would answer or not, but just getting a text from her, knowing that I was still on her mind would be a nice ego stroke. It's hard for me to comprehend how she can say the breakup was very hard on her too and then never want to reach out to me again. Then again, I am still just having a hard time understanding why things happened. I was very good to her and our relationship was great.

 

I have been able to implement NC from a reaching out standpoint, but I still find myself looking for updates on her life. One of her friends (who I am friends with on FB) posted a picture from their office yesterday and I saw it show up on my feed. It killed me to see my ex happy and smiling with co-workers.

 

I feel like most of the time it's harder for the dumper to deal with NC, but it seems like in my scenario, it's been easier for her.

[Kehv]

I think my ex is probably relieved I stopped contacting her. Then again, no contact was her idea (she was the dumper) and she was the one who blocked me on social media (after I unfriended her on Facebook, which I thought was odd). I obviously would still have ways to contact her if I wanted, but I'm a week and a half into NC now.

 

For me, there's not a day that goes by that I don't hope she reaches out to me. I honestly can't say whether I would answer or not, but just getting a text from her, knowing that I was still on her mind would be a nice ego stroke. It's hard for me to comprehend how she can say the breakup was very hard on her too and then never want to reach out to me again. Then again, I am still just having a hard time understanding why things happened. I was very good to her and our relationship was great.

 

I have been able to implement NC from a reaching out standpoint, but I still find myself looking for updates on her life. One of her friends (who I am friends with on FB) posted a picture from their office yesterday and I saw it show up on my feed. It killed me to see my ex happy and smiling with co-workers.

 

I feel like most of the time it's harder for the dumper to deal with NC, but it seems like in my scenario, it's been easier for her.

 

Yes it's hard but you should prepare for the worst and that is that there might be someone else. The reason why she blocked you is because she does not want you to know she's dating someone else (so she looks bad).

 

It has only been 1,5 week which is a long time for you but not for her, especially IF there is someone else. She did not forget about you and she will most likely reach out to you in the upcoming days/weeks.

There's a big chance she will miss you (even if she's seeing someone else) and she might even want to hang out with you. If she does want to hang out with you it does not mean she wants to get back with you but only use you because you're familiar.

Don't do what I did and don't hang out with her. It will only cause more pain, you will most likely find out stuff you did not want to know. She will try to put you in the friendzone aswell.

[jrode23]

I really don't think there is anyone else. I feel as though she ended things because she was getting pressures from me, work, friends, etc and just didn't know how to fit it all in. Of course, I may be wrong. I asked her to tell me if there was, and told her that I didn't care if she was blunt about it.

 

I'm still friends with her friends on FB, so she is not completely immune to me finding out about someone else if there was someone. I just think she got annoyed with me contacting her, trying to get answers.

 

Shamefully, I have logged in on a family member's FB account, just so I can see her account/profile picture/what little info you can see.

 

I almost want to see her with someone else, though, because at least that would make some sort of sense.

Edited October 31, 2015 by jrode23

[Kehv]

I really don't think there is anyone else. I feel as though she ended things because she was getting pressures from me, work, friends, etc and just didn't know how to fit it all in. Of course, I may be wrong. I asked her to tell me if there was, and told her that I didn't care if she was blunt about it.

 

I'm still friends with her friends on FB, so she is not completely immune to me finding out about someone else if there was someone. I just think she got annoyed with me contacting her, trying to get answers.

 

Shamefully, I have logged in on a family member's FB account, just so I can see her account/profile picture/what little info you can see.

 

 

Yeah Like I said in the other topic; Obviously I don't know for sure, the only thing I can tell you about is my own experience.

If a girl leaves someone out of the blue, without any real reason, there's a big chance there's someone else. Most girls want to be in a relationship.

 

I never caught my ex lying untill she dumped me she lied about everything. Before she dumped me I would trust her 100%. No one likes to be disliked/hated so she will not easily tell you. Also, there may not be any pictures with other guys right now but she blocks you just in case.

 

Again, I don't want to make you feel bad but I've been in a terrible situation 4 months ago.