solostand Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I am an OW. A very ex. I engaged in a 2.5 year affair with a man who was married for 37 years. It was a very intense affair but now that I'm well out of it I realize it was just the typical affair bubble ILY etc. etc. with no reality. During the course of this affair the MM said awful things about his wife and I actually saw her as my enemy, or competition. There was a horrible DDay, immense hurt for the BW, all sorts of horrible details came out. Now that I'm well out of it and in therapy, I feel terrible remorse about what I did to this innocent woman who did nothing but love her husband. I feel like I should apologize but I don't know if its appropriate. I know nothing about their marriage since the nuclear bomb dropped, everyone's blocked. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I would say leave it alone, your apology will mean nothing to her. Stay out of their lives and never contact either one of them. Apologizing will only be to ease your conscience. How long has it been since dday? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Any indication from the BW that she has any interest in speaking with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 Last time I spoke with her (the day after DDay) she was in shock but had a couple of questions (like when did it end?) He only confessed because he had to and it was clear he had lied to her about when it had ended. She also asked me if I would tell her if I ever returned to their hometown. (I had moved). Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 This thread bears out what I posted here. However, this is not something I would ever recommend doing now. If you're "well out of it" I presume it ended a while ago. What the state of their marriage now is, and at what stage they are in their dealing with it, any input from you is merely going to be a setback, no matter how well-meaning your sentiments. If it's mending, you're just the revival of a memory they're trying to put behind them. If they're divorcing, it just gives her more weaponry against her husband's story.... Admirable. But totally inadvisable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Last time I spoke with her (the day after DDay) she was in shock but had a couple of questions (like when did it end?) He only confessed because he had to and it was clear he had lied to her about when it had ended. She also asked me if I would tell her if I ever returned to their hometown. (I had moved). If I remember correctly (I've sporadically followed your threads), she asked you questions before and didn't get honest answers, right? I'm not beating you up; it's just a question. In my mind, the BS deserves the truth, particularly if she's requested it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I'm the bw - I wouldn't be too happy to hear from the ow, only because it would seem like too little too late. My feelings didn't matter during the affair, so it seems moot. I was the cold withholding evil wife - who knew? I understand you wanting to make this right, and wanting to apologize, but I say channel it into doing something good that will spread - volunteer with the homeless or walk puppies, collect books for children. There will only be good that comes from those kinds if actions. It's what I did, in tears, instead of retaliating on my h and the mow. Sobbed with the homeless, lol. Your contacting the bw may cause real pain regardless of your intentions. Your apology will fall flat. The mow in my case humiliated me (I was unaware of the affair) by attending family functions so she could get a good look at what a great family man my h was, and what an ungrateful overdressed vain sahm I was. I remember always asking my husband why the mousy underling was always around when she had 4 kids and a husband at home. It's so embarrassing to know that I was the unknowing part of a triangle game and they never let me have the option to play or quit. The game was only fun if I was stupid and unaware. Triangles only work with 3, so it's better to continue no contact, or risk being part of an ugly triangle again. Just live a moral life and model high standards and you'll get peace, I'm sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 If I remember correctly (I've sporadically followed your threads), she asked you questions before and didn't get honest answers, right? I'm not beating you up; it's just a question. In my mind, the BS deserves the truth, particularly if she's requested it. To add to this, as far as an apology is concerned, they sometimes do give the BS some benefit. And for many others, it is met with disdain. I think the apology is a crap-shoot. Giving her the chance to ask questions and get honest answers is something she may appreciate much more. Accompanying it with any apology isn't a bad idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 After reading your other posts I question your motives, you said in anither post you have already apologized so why would you want to apologize again? You had contacted him and his wife and daughter several times after you were supposed to be NC and now that none of them are engaging you any more you are wanting to contact them again under the pretext of an apology. You need to move on and leave the whole family alone. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I would not want to speak to the OW so I recommend leaving her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Anyone giving advice in this thread needs to read the whole, long, complicated story... Leave.them.alone. You need to focus on YOU now. It is time to heal from the whole mess and put it behind you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I think you've done enough damage, mind your own business, move on and hope it never happens to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I wouldn't say you are "well out of it" since your last thread about all the drama was only this past July, 5 months ago. 5 months is not a long enough time. It may feel like it to you, but it isn't much time considering you were in the middle of this for 2.5 years. I think it's good that you've gotten to the point where you want to apologize to her, that you recognize your part in all of this but it's too soon. It's best for you to focus on YOU. If you really feel like you need to apologize to her and get it off your chest, then write it in a letter to her but don't send it. I'm not sure there will ever be a good time for you to talk to her at all, but if there is, it will be because she initiates it. Until then, focus on healing yourself. Are you still going to AA meetings? How are you doing with that? Last I remember, you were in a bad spot. Do you feel better emotionally now? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 This is the first post to a thread by this OP, which is now over 60 days old and therefore inaccessible... Whats new Haven't posted in awhile since my disastrous suicide attempt and then broken NC with former MM. I just want to say that I think I have finally come to my senses. Finally put exMM in the past - where he will stay. I think of him less and less, and when I do, I put up a big STOP sign in my brain when his name comes into it. I have decided, finally, to move on, and as each day passes, the whole thing blends further into the past. I regret a lot of things I did during my crazy period - particularly engaging with his BW and grown daughter. I swear on my mothers grave I will never engage with ANY of them again. I had the strongest desire to tell his wife everything - now I don't want to and don't care. I want to leave their marriage alone. I have stopped drinking, my mental health is feeling very stable, and I am exceeding at my new job. My only challenge now is to find new friends and new things to do. I believe that's one of the reasons I was wallowing and struggling so badly before - loneliness. It isn't easy to move to a new town knowing no one. I've been reading alot, which I haven't done for awhile and really enjoy. I did hear through the grapevine that ex-MM was in a pretty bad car accident. Somehow, that helped with closure (he's okay). In the past, he would have called me from the ambulance if he could have, and I would have been sneaking into the hospital to visit him. Now, it's just news from afar of an old acquaintance. I pictured his wife at his side, nursing him through his injuries, and realized that I had no place in that family - no place at all, and never did. It made me think of him dying (he is 66) and how I can even handle that too, when it happens. When I do get melancholy, as I sometimes do, I remember past loves, how I thought I could never go on without them, and how they became but a distant memory. So overall things are looking up. I wonder if the OP is looking at this thread, and if she could please correlate the bolded contents of the above quoted post, with her first post in THIS thread....? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 If I remember correctly (I've sporadically followed your threads), she asked you questions before and didn't get honest answers, right? I'm not beating you up; it's just a question. In my mind, the BS deserves the truth, particularly if she's requested it. Some BW were ok with the OW apologizing. However if you were to contact her now she has to suspect your motivations to reveal she was lied to before. And, she has to doubt that she is getting the truth now. You have the chance to not sleep with her WH and you blew that one. You blew it again when you spoke to her after D day. Stick a fork in it, you are well done. Charred even. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I quickly perused a few of your other threads and while I commend your attempts to right your wrongs I must agree with the consensus here and say you should probably just leave them be. I could see in some scenarios how an apology from the OW might be accepted, but you got into an alcohol induced quarrel with their daughter by way of text messages(among other things.) I can't see her ever taking anything you have to say as being sincere no matter how much you might be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Honestly all you'll do is reopen a bad wound that you were responsible for so do the lady a favor and leave it alone. This isn't about you any longer but her. She doesn't deserve to relive a nightmare. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 After reading your other posts I question your motives, you said in anither post you have already apologized so why would you want to apologize again? You had contacted him and his wife and daughter several times after you were supposed to be NC and now that none of them are engaging you any more you are wanting to contact them again under the pretext of an apology. You need to move on and leave the whole family alone. This! OP I believe that you have said more than once that you always need some drama in your life and this just sounds like a way to invite more drama. I don't think there is anything you could say that would take away the hurt the affair caused the MM family. The kindest thing you could do is to stay completely away from them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Leave them (XMM and his family) alone, and NO more drama. After reading your other posts I question your motives, you said in anither post you have already apologized so why would you want to apologize again? You had contacted him and his wife and daughter several times after you were supposed to be NC and now that none of them are engaging you any more you are wanting to contact them again under the pretext of an apology. You need to move on and leave the whole family alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I think you should just leave it alone because you have done enough damage. She also has no reason to think you are genuinely sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Solo, let it go. You admitted many times that you're addicted to drama. You KNOW by reaching out and contacting her will stir it up again, and I think that's what you want, reaction. DO NOT DO IT. You have to let it go and move on. You keep making steps towards progress and then you do or say something that lands you backwards. Leave exMM, his wife and family alone. They need to heal and have peace. So do you, so please, do NOT contact her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I feel terrible remorse about what I did to this innocent woman who did nothing but love her husband. In other words, any apology would be to assuage your guilt over the affair - making it about you, not about her. If the BS contacted you looking for closure or after-the-fact information, an apology would be appropriate. Under any other circumstances, contact would be possibly hurtful and most likely unwanted. If it's helpful to you, journal your thoughts and what you'd like to say. I understand the need to put things like this in writing... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
HopeForTomorrow Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 She also asked me if I would tell her if I ever returned to their hometown. (I had moved). I've followed all your threads. Not sure if anyone else caught this, but you said "I had moved". Past tense. Did you move back?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 i say leave it alone. you've done enough damage. the problem i see with this, is the fact that it seems to be about "YOU"... it took counseling to help you realize what you were really a part of. now that you've been made to realize the damage that you were a part of, you feel this way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Sadly, I believe the OP has played her usual trick; posted a thread hoping to garner support for her dysfunctional behaviour, and then, seeing that everyone has basically contradicted her opinion or notions, has chosen to disappear, and not respond, because as usual, it's not what she wants to hear..... I suggest therefore that she follow through with what she intended to do. When they place a restraining order on her, then perhaps, she may understand that contact is not advisable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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